itsjustmeSal

I've been dealing with my husband's alcoholism for 20 years. The worst if it has been the past 4 years. He lost his job (because he got caught drinking) and was denied unemployment for 2 years, he was diagnosed with early cirrhosis (after years of positive fatty liver results), he destroyed his shoulder by falling (when drunk) and has had minor dents all over his car but never got caught. He is disgusted by AA meetings and refuses to seek any other help. I love this man but I won't speak to him when he's drinking because he's loud, argumentative, obnoxious, and doesn't remember half the things we discuss anyway. This pisses him off. He claims my love is so conditional. It's not true though. I am at the point that even though o live him I can't stand being around him. I don't want to be with him anymore. Does this make sense? Also, my teenage kids have had enough and are so heartbroken by his behavior. Talking to him doesn't help, he is furious and says he's fine. He says he knows he's "the bad guy". Any comments or suggestions? I would appreciate it. Perhaps I should be doing something else?

itsjustmeSal

Typo
Obnoxious not innocuous

decchemist

All you say makes perfect sense. If it's making you and your children unhappy you need to take action.

However, only he can decide to stop drinking, he has to really want to do it for himself. Until he reaches this point, and he may not reach it, there is nothing you can do.

Anna

I think it's important for you to take care of yourself and your children. Are you able to get counselling or therapy for your children? I hope so. You might like to check out Al-Anon in your area as a support for yourself. And, you are always welcome to post and read here.

itsjustmeSal

Exactly, yes, thank you. I have come to the realization that all the crying, screaming and heart to heart talks have been ineffective. I am unable to leave with my kids at this time so I'm learning how to live with it even though I don't want to. He apologizes every so often when it really gets out of hand and I just say "I appreciate that" knowing that the next day will be the same.
He has 4 brothers and they are all heavy social drinkers. They have talked to him but he resents them for doing so. I don't blame him at all, who are they to tell him he needs to stop? His family drinks heavily around him during holiday get togethers and he goes off drinking where no one can see him. By the end of the night he can barely walk, talk, etc

BlownOne

You can't make someone stop drinking. If he cannot or will not stop, maybe it's time to move on with your life. Waiting around for someone to get their stuff together is wasted time. You don't have to be a hostage to his alcoholism, because that's exactly what's happening.

Forward12

Alcoholism is something that is progressive and gets nothing but worse. Also there is nothing you or anyone else can say or do to get them to stop, they have to make that decision for themselves and take the actions to get sober, which it sounds like he clearly has no intentions of doing.
Alanon would be a great place to start, also looking into options of moving out, or kicking him out depending on your living situation, so you and your children can have a healthy environment.

tomsteve

doing something else for????
for you and your children?
or for him?

itsjustmeSal

Should I be more supportive of him? I read and hear that we shoukd be supportive of the alcoholic but how do i do that? I don't support drinking...
Tomsteve I know I must sound like an idiot but I'm confused.

bllit

Unfortunately he has to be the one that want's to really quit . I haven't been easy to live with either for the last 17 yrs . I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this.

itsjustmeSal

Thank you, I appreciate that.

48heath

There is a forum here on SR,Friends and Family of Alcoholics.

That forum would be the one for you to post on ,to get advice.

Have you thought of Al-anon meetings?

Wishing you well.

Maudcat

Hi, itsjustmeSal. Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for your situation.
There is a lot of support here, as well as good information about alcohol addiction and its impact on families.
As 48heath mentioned, a useful forum for you would be to swing over to Friends and Families of Alcoholics.
There you find people who are where you are, or have been in situations like yours.
There are also information pieces, called stickies, here.
Knowing as much as you can about this dreadful condition will help inform you as you navigate this difficult time.
No advice, just welcome.

SereneEdition

Welcome to SR Sal,

For the record, you don't sound stupid at all. It's true that you can't will your husband to quit before he is ready, and until that point, you must focus on you & your family. Al anon, friends & family section here, etc are great resources and support as you navigate your situation, establish healthy boundaries, and heal.

RE: supporting alcoholics. Yes, once they are in recovery, you can support their recovery by doing things like not bringing alcohol into the house, not forcing them into social situations too early when they aren't comfortable, etc. Supporting recovery is very different than enabling alcoholism. Hope that helps!

itsjustmeSal

Thanks to all that responded. This was my first time posting a question and wasn't sure if I was doing it correctly. I will go on the family and friends forum. Thank you again🤞

BlownOne

Should I be more supportive of him? I read and hear that we shoukd be supportive of the alcoholic but how do i do that? I don't support drinking...
Tomsteve I know I must sound like an idiot but I'm confused.

I'm betting Tomsteve meant what are you doing for yourself to help YOU? That's very important. Sounds like you've already been bending over backward to support your husband, and he seems to be taking it (and you) for granted.

tomsteve

you dont sound like an idiot and im glad the confusion has brought ya here.
i am rather tired tonight to answer much- my melon is drained.
however, you found a great forum here with people who have been in your shoes or are in your shoes-LOTS of knowledge, advise, and support.
check out the f&f forum here and maybe even post this thread over there. theres quite a few people on the friends and family skde that dont visit this forum so wouldnt be able to offer help.

one thing i can get together is
you dont have to support drinking.

Berrybean

Hi Sal.

Glad you found us. I would suggest trying some AlAnon meetings for yourself. To help you work through some of your feelings and questions. Also, stick around here. Newcomers or Friends and Family. It's all good.

You mentioned conditional love. It seems to me that your love is pretty unconditional. What is conditional is his showing love for you. And what is it on condition of? - His drinking. He chooses to drink rather than show love to you and honour his marriage vows (unless you guys picked some real quirky alternative vows).

The reason he gets angry when you talk about AA and other recovery programs is that he doesnt want to change. And why would he? This set up suits HIM just fine. If it doesnt suit you - and there is no shame in admitting you don't want to like in a life and relationship blighted by someone elses alcoholism and refusal to treat his desease - then you might need to be the one who makes some changes.

There is a very good thread about enabling over on the F & F side, which might just highlight ways in which his marriage to you, over the years, has enabled him to carry on drinking and avoid his responsibilty, while you no doubt have been tying yourself in knots trying to hold things together and do the right thing. Truth is, alcoholics are lousy husbands but pretty great hostage-takers.

I hope that you decide you deserve better, and take steps to find a happier and more serene life for yourself. (Even if this involves staying with him but learning to make and stick to boundaries that keep you emotionally safe, and forming a network of love and support around yourself so that you feeel strong and happy to leave him to his devises while you get on with sober living with sober people outside the house rather than stick around to be verbally abused and disrespected when he is drunk.)

All the best.

BB

Dee74

Hi Sal

If your hubby wanted to quit drinking, he'd be worthy of all the support in the world - but if he's not going to quit there's nothing to support.

You will find a ton of support here tho - welcome

D

Fly N Buy

A family intervention of sorts provided a brief door of opportunity that I stumbled through 3 years back remaining sober ever since. While one has to be willing, sometimes willingness can be thrust upon them in my experience.

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/teen-corner-alateen/

Get your kids help. please - today