Sandra16

Hi everyone, this is my first post. My profile asked me to say a few words about myself. I couldn't. Mother, special needs preschool teacher of 26 years, closet alcoholic, anxiety, depression, burnt out were thoughts that came to mind. I desperately want to reclaim the person I was, but don't know where to start. My husband is at his end with me. I need help. Please.

resolute50

Hello Sandra, welcome to SR.
I'm so glad you found your way here.

Why do you feel lost, Sandra?
Are you actively drinking still or working toward sobriety?

This is a wonderful forum with folks that have been through all kinds of difficulties working towards sobriety. Lots of support.
Use the site to help you quit for good. I did just over 4 years ago. And you can also.

HTown

Welcome. This a great place for support. Read and post often. It really helps. Good luck

Sandra16

I feel lost because I haven't reached sobriety yet. My home is my trigger. Work is my trigger when I get home. I am desperately trying to set ground rules for myself, and find it hard to find guidance for sobriety for a "secret alcoholic".
Thank you all for you support.

CaptainHaddock

Hi Sandra, I am glad you found us.

You can reclaim the the person you were before, and get your life back! Hiding your drinking is no fun (I should know).

The way to start is to stop drinking, so why not make a decision to do that and then a plan on how to get through the difficult early stages (first week or so). If you are concerned at withdrawal, get medical advice to assist you and make it safe and a bit easier.

You said that your home and getting there from work is a "trigger". Perhaps it is more just your current drinking routine. Break that routine and replace it with something else that you'll do sober (going to gym, for walk, reading, etc) and before you know it things will get easier.

Post and keep reading here - you find some great support!

Sandra16

Thank you- this is a good start. It helps to hear it from someone who has been through it. God Bless.

AnvilheadII

the only ground rule that works perfectly all the time is to NOT drink, EVER. that's a pretty scary thought, isn't it?

over time we have "nominated" certain people, places and things as our triggers. work - drink. home life - drink. tuesday - drink. payday -drink. car got a flat tire - drink. what we begin to see is there is one commonality among all our triggers - that is that EVERYTHING becomes an excuse to drink. we've lost the ability to handle life on life's terms without alcohol.

but we can relearn. and yes, it's a daunting challenge, but we can relearn and we DO recover.

PhoenixJ

support and empathy and compassion to you. Ignore the anxiety over the label- try AA meeting. See your doc- get a counsellor. Keep posting . You are worth it and not alone.

Sandra16

Thank you- what I needed to hear. Keep it coming- I will too.

Sandra16

Thank you. Will keep pushing forward.

Anna

Sandra, I understand how lost you feel. I felt just the same when I stopped drinking. I had completely lost myself and had no idea how to begin to live a sober life. You can do this and be the person you want to be. Do you have a plan for how to stop drinking and to recover?

Sandra16

Not yet. Day to day at this point, but I'm reading up and looking up meeting sites. I don't want to admit it, embarrassed, but I know this is my future. I am determined to get there. Thank you

Anna

Well, we have lots of different ideas of recovery programs and this thread has a good description of different options:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Chilledice

Hey Sandra do you self medicate for your issues with anxiety and depression? Maybe those conditions are the driving force behind your drinking?

Sandra16

I am on medication for anxiety and depression, but the term self medication certainly fits. It is very scary to me to have the foresight and knowledge of what I am doing, yet feel powerless at the same time.

Sandra16

Often when I get home from teaching, I feel there is nothing left of me. I have to find a different way of lifting myself up and/or relaxing and forgetting about the day.

Chilledice

Well...I'm goona tell you something you already know and that is alcohol only worsens those conditions

But no need to worry because you have reached out for help by coming here so high five to you for that

Have you sort out professional help such as AA and therapy etc?

Everyone's journey into a new life ALWAYS starts with a day one by putting one foot in front of each other....we are here for you, you can ask us anything and share with us as you feel ok ?

mm1741

I used to feel the exact same way, Sandra. I felt like without alcohol or drugs I just had nothing, that there was nothing to look forward to in life. It would almost send me into a panic. At the least all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and not wake up until I could drink again.
It just isn't true. Just the opposite, in fact - you can't experience LIFE when you are chained to the bottle. And what is life? Literally everything BUT drinking!

Please stick around, drinking or not. Please read, and post. You are in a place where we all understand, deeply, where you are coming from and how you feel. You will find many, many people on here could have written your exact first post. YOU AREN'T ALONE!!

Sandra16

I will stay. I have to, for so many reasons. Thank you all for your support today. My journey is just beginning, and I look forward to all of your feedback and insight.

mm1741

Oh, I want to add that the self-awareness of what you are doing to yourself might be the worst part. For me it certainly was. I knew, every time I drank or got high, that I was hurting myself. I knew I would never be happy if I kept doing it. I kept doing it any way, and there is no more crushing feeling than feeling enslaved to a substance.
Once you reach that point, once you are aware that you have a problem, the joy and pleasure you once had in getting intoxicated is gone.
The plus side is that it makes the path you need to take quite a bit clearer. In my case, I knew that the ONLY chance at any sort of happiness I had was to stop drinking. Easy? NO. Worth it? YES. A thousand times yes.