rainyengland

Is there anybody else with a self destructive mind ? Think it's all related - alcohol and the ability to screw things up?

Take me

Wonderful wife
Great kids (sometimes !)
My own business which is fairly successful and just got cash boost it needs
Lovely home
Lovely holidays
Great friends

As soon as everything starts to go well and drop into place I seem hell bent on destroying the lot and blowing it all up - what is wrong with me ??!!!

When I'm getting off my head on alcohol I could have blamed it on that but not now - I'm clean and still even though I know I'm a fool seem ready to destroy it and inturn when I have done it hit the bottle again

Is it my AV playing tricks to get me back ?

Feel so fed up and shouldn't - I am blessed more than most

:-(

herculana

Thats addiction.

You have the power right here and now to choose to do it differently this time.

There is LITERALLY nothing good to come from drinking except a few minutes of numbing out... You likely can't even truly ENJOY being drunk anymore. I know I cant. I tried, two weeks ago. Didnt enjoy it! And had to pay all the next day and also forfeited two solid months of sobriety. Traded it for self loathing, shame, sickness, and annihilation.

Every single day you become sober, wether those days are good or bad, you are making an incredible investment in your strength, self trust, self respect, love for your family... The list is endless.

While you might feel resentful on some days of your sobriety, the more you push through that and dont give in, the more joy and wholesome GOOD waits for you in another day.

And according to people who have some solid time under their belts, you wont even think much about drinking anymore. It will get easier. Far, far easier. Drinking or sobriety wont be on your mind 24/7 like it is before you quit, and in new sobriety.

Learn how to take care and responsibility for your disease. Thats what you are doing now. Its wholly good. Its a worthy and important endeavor. Its GOLDEN.

Get proactive... Watch some videos on alcoholism, maybe:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tcm3IDZ2ho (Mummy2 posted this today. Its... brutal though, so I dont know if its right for you right now or not)

One more thing... This excerpt below calls to me... and I have kept it close to me now for years. But NOW I apply its message to DRINKING. Instead of the word SUICIDE, I replace it with DRINKING... (they are, in essence the exact same thing)

See here:
Excerpt from a book I read, Signals, by Rothschild.
True story. The author relates a dream he had in which a deceased friend of his gave him a profound message (the friend had committed suicide, unable to cope with AIDS) ... The author was, at the time, contemplating suicide himself, after losing so many friends to AIDS.... and he himself was sick (AIDS related illness) at the time as well. Here was his friends message: "You need what i am about to give you. Its less than a pinpoint of what i now know. Its a tiny molecule, less than a speck of dust from where i am. But it will carry you through the rest of your life.
When I was alive I thought life was good only if everything was going well. Life was worth living when it was going the way I thought it should. You must not take your own life. You must go as far as you can in this one. Know that every moment matters. Each moment is the same in many ways. Ways you have not yet seen. The good and the bad. The healthy ones and the sick ones happy sad bored or thrilled. They are the same. With each and every breath, every moment, you are working things out, things that are connected to something FAR GREATER. You are part of something much bigger. We are ALL part of this larger purpose. We are individual universes tied together. Individual spiritual growth is tied to collective growth. All experiences are connected to a greater good."

joandmelandhan

^^^^ what herculana said 100%
NEVER give up to rainyengland it's soul destroying starting again. Take care

kenton

I'm definitely inclined towards self sabotage. My dad was too and he was also an alcoholic so maybe it's common amongst alcoholics? I don't know. Guess that's not important. What's important is trying to work out what's at the root of the self sabotage.

For me, I think it's feelings of worthlessness. I sometimes think that if everything is going great, something will probably happen to ruin it all so I might as well speed up the inevitable and ruin my life myself. At my core I feel like I'm not worth the good stuff (good home, husband, kids etc) and that one day it will all be taken away from me.

These feelings of worthlessness were a big part of why I drank. The really good news is that with more sober time, the feelings of worthlessness are diminishing. I think my AV played on my insecurities to try to get me to drink. By staying sober I'm proving to myself that I am worth the life I'm working so hard to create and I got no intention of throwing all that hard work away.

I think your AV is definitely testing you at the moment Rainyengland. In my opinion, staying strong and committed to sobriety will give you the best chance of understanding and eliminating what's at the root of these feelings of self destruct.

HTown

Perhaps you feel you do not deserve good things. You must learn to love yourself and truly believe in your worth. You are worthy and deserving of a good life just by virtue of being alive. Write a gratitude list, write down your positive attributes. Love yourself.

nez

I can relate. That was my story for years. When things got tough, I would soldier on in my efforts to not drink. Then when things would be going good...that's when I would pick up again...WTH!!!

I had to go on a journey of self-realization and really explore every nook and cranny of my cranium before I could change my behavior patterns. Digging deep on what my core beliefs, convictions, and moral philosophies actually were.

Once I had determined that, I decided to live up to those to the best of my abilities.

Part of that was to reflect on my past and figure out times that I had not done a good job at doing that. Then I set out to do repair work on the damage that resulted from those times.

Today, I assess my behavior as I go along and when warning signs pop up that I might be straying from my core beliefs, convictions, and moral philosophies, I take corrective action.

I no longer self sabotage, or at least for very long, because one of my core beliefs is "do no harm"; and that includes to my self.

rainyengland

Thank you all

My head is such a mess,just feel very lonely at moment - can't see the woods for the trees

I am a very insecure person for sure

I don't know - hopefully things will come together,I just want happiness inside and it's not there currently

rainyengland

Everyone I look at always seem to be in control and happy,why can't I have that ????!!!!!!!

herculana

Stop comparing your insides with everyone elses outsides.

What you believe you are seeing in others... is a myth.

Your comparing your insides with peoples best masks! The masks of "I have it totally together" ... Dont you realize that everyone wears these masks?

Every single person on this planet is a messy human hiding loads of self doubt, self loathing and shame. Its the most common affliction on this planet!

herculana

I was miserable two weeks ago.

I am only happy today because I am sober and I am RELIEVED to be sober. i am right now relieved to not be hungover stinking mess. I am relieved that my life is no longer a sinking ship.

I am finally on a life-boat.

A drowning mans ecstasy of finding a raft.

HTown

Please think about taking the focus off others and comparing yourself. That at least for me, was always a no-win situation. Someone will always be thinner than me, or richer, or better at making friends, etc. I stopped trying to compete. Can you do one thing every day that makes you happy? Stop for an ice cream? Rent a movie? Go shopping? Try it, it helps when I am down.

hpdw

Good reading here . I need to watch out for this pattern rainyengland . I can be very vocal on here and quite emotional in the early sober days weeks sometimes a few months ,2 years one time then i slip .
Thank you all

rainyengland

Thank you

I guess my underlying problems have always existed but blotted out by the alcohol,the last 4 months or so I have dealt with my sobriety and been very focused on that

Most days drinking doesn't enter my mind,what I need to address are the very issues that started the drinking and acting like a complete plank all these years ..I don't dont do that and I'll be back to square one fairly sharpish

Thank you for the replies , it helps a lot and I'm sorry a lot of my posts are negative currently

rainyengland

Thank you - I need to hear this :-)

PippoRossi

(((rainyengland))) I could have written your posts. I feel exactly the same way. Like nez, I would typically pick up when things were going good. Crazy! Hang in there. Things will continue to get better for you.

PhoenixJ

I relapsed so many times- despite doing very successful rehabs, for years.
Why? Because when stuff was good- I thought that meant I was okay. I did not have the cognitive and emotional tools mature enough to deal with the world on it's terms. So- if the world gave me what I wanted- drink. Also if stuff went badly- I drank to escape. Then when I lost work- I just drank. Then I lost my lovely home. wife, 2 adult sons, and finally (briefly) my life. CBT and a psychologist have been very successful for me.

SimplyFree

Hang in there Rainy! The mood swings can be very difficult. You might visit with your doctor if they get to overwhelming. Stay strong. It's always good to see you here! Great job posting instead of giving in.

rainyengland

Thank you :-) I made a decision yesterday that I'm going to concentrate on me ! Not things out of my control or stuff that I shouldn't be involved in

Dee74

I used to think I did but now I don't.

I think when I stopped regularly poisoning my mind with drugs and alcohol I got some sanity back.

We only get one life - I want to ride this one out to the full, right to the end - I've wasted enough time and good health already

D

Bottletop

Self destruction is me too a tee! Life is going good.....everything that a normal person could want..💣💥🌋. Madness. My family never understood.

Came from within me. Like you....subconsciously felt it was going to implode at somepoint so i seemed to pre-empt it. Beware the Highs and the Lows!

Good to know I'm not the only one....