pagirl123

Hi,
I'm new to this forum, but upon searching for that question I found this place. Hoping to find some insight..
My fiancé and I are engaged to be married in May and I'm afraid of all of the red flags I know I can see.
We've been dating 5 years (post his first rehab), he was sober. And then we've been through several relapses, all the lies, and a final dose of 30 days rehab this past September (11 months ago).
So everything has been fine the past 9 months, until 2 months ago he decided he doesn't need AA. (He never followed the program his first 4 years struggling, so that was a big change getting out of rehab this last time, realizing that he just needs to work the program forever to stay sober). But now he's done and I don't have anything left to fight about it anymore. I don't go to al anon bc I'm in grad school, but I know WAY more now and I'm way stronger now than I was before I was ripped into several tornados in the past.
Question is I guess- can anyone relate? I don't know if I don't want to give up or I'm scared bc I'm almost 30 or bc we have such a history and life together, not all the times we're bad. We've had countless amazing times too..

pagirl123

Also, his shift in gears 2 months ago really brought back his past addictive behaviors. He cut ties with his sponser (who he loved) mid step work. He became hyperfocused on his physical body (and has massively changed his physique in 8 weeks time) and hyperfocused on work (he's the best in his division, so it feeds his cycle even more).

So it's reasons like above that I'm just terrified, like so terrified to go back to the dark place we were such a short time ago. He's "fine" and sober now yes, but for how long? Our wedding date is 9 months away and i can't bring myself to try on a dress, or call a photographer, or makeup artist for fear that I'll just be handing over empty deposits. (Our venue already has our deposit for our date)

grayghost1965

I would get your deposit back.

Debbyjay

Pagirl,
I had red flags before marrying my now exAH. And, yes, I regret marrying him. I am way worse off now, 2 years later, then I was when I met him. I feel ugly, dirty, abused, manipulated, controlled, lied to, dishonored...need I go on? Don't do it!

Ariesagain

You see red flags and you're closer to the situation than anyone. Honor your instincts, yes?

Postpone the wedding and see how things go along? It's much easier to disentangle yourself if you aren't legally tied to him. And please be careful not to become pregnant...if you read so many threads here you can see how even more complex and painful it is trying to protect a child In these circumstances.

Sending you a hug.

P.S. If he has massively changed his physique in only eight weeks, there may be substances other than alcohol involved here?

maia1234

Pag,
Your question was would you marry an addict? Absolutely not! !!!!!!!!!!!

The pain, heart break, the selfishness, the money, the fights, the mental, and verbal abuse, the lonelyness, the lies, the cheating and so on, I think you get the idea.

Truly working a program is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Is he doing that, has he ever done that?

In my mind I would run the opposite direction. Finish school and find someone who can love truly love you, as addicts only love one thing and it's not us. Hugs my friend, good luck with your decision.

atalose

I think your inner voice is shouting at you not to proceed with this marriage…………please listen to it.

From my own personal experience with my ex, he changed his drug of choice, steroids was one of those drugs and his physique changed rapidly in a short period of time. He was 6’2” 250 and went up to all muscle and 285, everyone thought he was a professional football player.

My ex also had a history of relapses and most of them involved different substances.

LeeJane

Listen to your what your gut instinct is telling you.

honeypig

pagirl, welcome to SR. If you are able to take some time to read around the forum here, I think you'll find a lot of posts that resonate w/you. In most cases, you'll see that "not everything is bad", same as in your situation. If it WAS, most of us wouldn't have stayed. The thing is, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and those good things and good times will inevitably become fewer and further between as time passes.

I spent 22 years w/an A, 19 of those married. Much of the time we had together I felt was good, until eventually the truth became unavoidable. He lied to me, again and again and again. He lied about things that didn't make one bit of difference. He spent money that I believed was being put away for retirement and home improvement. He gaslighted me about financial issues. (You can look that term up if you're not familiar.) He said lovely things to me like "well, but what if I go get help and then I find out I don't like it here and I leave?", knowing that I feared abandonment. And it goes on.

Being married to him made things bad enough that I ended up here and in Alanon, where I finally began to learn things that healthy people learn much, much earlier in life. That part has been worthwhile, and my life since starting my OWN recovery has been much, much better than ever before. However, I think it was definitely the hard way to learn those lessons. If I could go back and get a "do over", knowing what I know now, there is NO WAY I would marry him again. (We are divorced for just over 2 years now, if you're wondering. He no longer even pretends to be trying to get sober.)

You can also check out these threads, for starters:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-fiance.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alocholic.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-spouse.html

FeelingGreat

Addiction aside pagirl, if you don't want to go shopping for the dress, book the photographer etc it just shouldn't happen. Keep pretending and something's going to give eventually, maybe at a time when its' even more disruptive.
It may not be a big shock to him if you call it off now, and as others have suggested there are some red flags in the body transformation.

anodes7102

Pagirl

Follow your head heart and guts - sounds like gym addicton is just a substitute addiction. I get the fun times..... I married an alcoholic and we have three kids. AW is in recovery but marriage is not. Separate rooms under the same roof. Take stock, don't be rushed and be certain - you have one life one make it one you want 😀 take care

honeypig

I'd like to add one more thread to the "reading assignment" I gave you earlier :

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lou-quote.html

I hope you're able to take in all that you're hearing here and begin to see your way clear as time goes on.

OpheliaKatz

Oh no. I married my (X)AH because I was 39 and I thought, it's now or never. I started dating him at 30 after spending so much time in grad school and ignoring my personal life that people started telling me that my fertile years were running out. He said he had tried some drugs, and that those years were behind him as he only dabbled in pot from "time to time". Turns out it wasn't pot, and it wasn't from "time to time" and those years were not behind him.

My gut was telling me not to marry him the night before the wedding. He said that if I didn't marry him, he would kill himself. So I married him.

Biggest mistake of my life. And I thought I was an educated person. I guess I wasn't good at spotting covert manipulation. So many lies, all my money gone, my youth is gone, etc. I feel old and ugly, like a chewed up, spit out piece of gum on the sidewalk. Now I will probably grow old and die alone.

Listen to your gut.

dandylion

pagirl......from my experience, anything that is an issue before marriage, becomes a much bigger issue after marriage.

I have never known of dropping out of one's program to be a good sign.....
From what I have seen, it is a setup for relapse.....I know that he knows that, from the AA contact that he has had....whether he accepts that is another story.
In any case, I think it is important for you to know...not so that you can control him...because you can't....but, for you to know the reality of what you are up against.....

LOl...you think that 30 is old...I knw that it is not! You still have many decades ahead of you....and your future is shaped by the decisions that you make.....

***Interesting side story---Lady Diana (of England) had misgivings about marrying, just before her wedding. Many red flags, as it turns out. She talked it over with her friends....and she was reminded that the towels already had the monograms on them.......too late to turn back (or, so she thought)......

I don't think it is ever too late to change one's mind about something as life altering as this......

Eauchiche

I believe that most people entering into marriage plan to never divorce. Look at the stats anyway.

Someone else posted here that you should be careful to avoid pregnancy. I am advising that you not have sex with him. If he is cheating on you, as many addicts do, you could end up with an incurable STD. Some of them can be caught through a condom.

pagirl123

Thank you so much for the honestly and taking time to respond. I agree completely that i'm afraid of having a child for fear of living through a relapse with them. I couldn't imagine anything much worse. And i don't think theres other substances involved for the working out - just a dry drunk who's 100% obsessed with getting ripped. Scary part is i know that nothing else is being taking, bc i know him better than he knows himself (definitely a curse not a blessing.)

pagirl123

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to respond. I cried reading a few of these. Its nice to have just straight opinions of people who actually understand the disease. I have a great support system of family and friends, but no one who truly gets it gets it from the inside.

Many of you have mentioned cheating and I don't think he has/would ever do that. It's not characteristic of his past relapse behaviors, he cares about vodka hah not so much other women - but i guess in time all things progress so who really knows what the future could hold.

We're also going to therapy now (and our therapist is in recovery for alcohol so that helps) but he is questioning me when I state that eddie is not himself. When i mention that he's "off AH" who doesn't really care about my opinion and our conversations have changed to superficial bc he's hyper focused on other things. (mind you, these are all past behaviors i've lived through around relapses) But the therapist is questioning that - what if this is the new AH? What if he stays sober like this forever and this is my new reality? Just keeping his mind busy on work and gym and perhaps after some therapy he refocuses me back into the circle...

I just can't wrap my head around someone dropping out of AA 9 months in, not completing the steps and being "okay forever" to stay sober. He says he only went to AA for me the past few months, stating he used to enjoy it and get something out of it but lately it was just a "check box" to make me happy.

I'm scared i've wasted 5 years. Literally stuck by him when everyone else turned their back to be emotionally abused enough until he went to rehab - and for nothing in the end

pagirl123

Lastly, (sorry for repeat post!)

I think i'm just skewed because my AH's family is also in recovery. Both of his sister's attended rehab 6 years ago the first time he went - and both of them are still living sober healthy happy lives. So he has the most unbelievable family support from people who really get it, and I have them to look at and just wonder like WTF why can't he be more like them.

pagirl123

thanks honeypig, for sharing your insight and story and posting those other forums. I can relate to so many things within them it scares me and makes me feel grounded at the same time.

atalose

I don’t mean to sound glib but having to go to therapy together BEFORE getting married to someone with substance abuse issues who doesn’t feel he needs help and can do it on his own is like buying a new car but first the dealership needs to replace the transmission then wants you to wait and see if that’s the issue or not. Is that really the car you want to invest your future in?

That’s because he’s not really working any kind of recovery and they obviously are.

No matter how much we want it to be, we plead for it to, we seek out others to tell us it will be……….the round peg is never going to fit into the square hole.

You want the kind of life that he probably just isn't going to be able to give you.