Sheis2nice

My boyfriend went away to a 21 day program. He is due to return home this coming Tuesday. Lately I have been having real bad anxiety due to his return. His roommate was able to sneak a phone inside and he's been texting me from it today. From the way he's been texting me NOTHING has changed. I deeply feel he's going to go right back to his old ways. I can't continue to live the way l was prior to him leaving. He's very toxic & nasty! It's been so peaceful without him here and knowing he's coming home on Tuesday which doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want to stress like l was. I want to be supportive to his sobriety if that's what he plans on doinv. Please someone give me some inspiration on how do l move forward in a positive way ?

Debbyjay

I just had the same realization when talking with my XAH, who I secretly had hoped would be able to come home. Absolutely not. I'm divorced so I don't need to take him back. It doesn't sound like you are married, so you don't need to either. You can't help him anyway. It doesn't work that way. EVER! For me, I have enough to try to help myself. Honestly, I would do some serious soul searching. If you don't want to return to sick, abusive, dysfunctional relationship and life. DON'T.

atalose

That's because nothing has changed except he's been substance free for 3 weeks, and that might not even be true. If a cell phone was able to be sneaked in I'm sure drugs/booze could be to.

Someone who is serious about getting clean/sober and being honest doesn't sneak a cell phone into a rehab .

I can't blame you for being anxious, as you are witnessing nothing has changed.

grayghost1965

Sneaking a cellphone into rehab is addict behavior. You can do better than him.

Mango blast

That seems like a very healthy normal response. 3 weeks sober equals all the problems of 3 weeks ago without the alcohol. It took me quite some time to realize the alcohol was only one of the symptoms of the disease of alcoholism.

Calling and visiting my local domestic violence shelter helped me to see abuse in my relationship and the trauma that it caused. Much later, I came to realize I was carrying a ton of trauma with me from my childhood, which set me up for wanting to fix others instead simply wanting to take care of my own mental and physical health.

Good luck, keep asking questions... keep an open mind about taking care of yourself first. (((Hugs)))

honeypig

You have every right to have NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER with him. No contact NOW, while he's on his contraband cell phone. No contact IN THE FUTURE once he's out of rehab.

As others have said, nothing has changed. If he truly wants recovery, that is on HIM. There is nothing that YOU can do to either help him succeed or cause him to fail.

Have you looked into Alanon? One of the things you'd learn there is the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE his drinking.
You can't CONTROL his drinking.
You can't CURE his drinking.

Hope you keep reading and posting here and I also hope you get to Alanon for some f2f support and education.

FeelingGreat

Afraid is not a word that is used in a healthy relationship. Have you considered that it might be time to end it?
I'm not sure from your post whether you're afraid of him? Toxic can cover a big range of behaviour, and if you have any fears for yourself please consider talking to a local domestic violence service.

OpheliaKatz

Three weeks is not enough time to change anything. If you don't want to stay, don't stay. I didn't listen to my gut and made the mistake of marrying my AH. Now I'm experiencing grief, age, and depression. I wish I could turn back time.

Sheis2nice

No we are not married but we have kids together. If we didn't have kids together l would of kick his ass to curb a long time ago. But it's sticky now. I've been doing LOTS of soul searching during his time away & while he was here. He's toxic and blames everyone for his addictions but himself. I have a feeling he treated this like it's a vacation. Thank you for your feed back.

Sheis2nice

Exactly. This may not be true but the vibe that he's giving off makes it pretty clear to me that nothing's changed. He requested that l give him his bank card information because he wanted to order something. Not once did he ask about his daughter & myself or how are we doing. His only concern was, "what are you spending my money on?" I couldn't believe it. After that l blocked his number & it will stay blocked even when he comes out..

Sheis2nice

I definitely know l can. I just need to remind myself that this is his battle not mine!

Sheis2nice

I'm not afraid of him, l'm afraid of revisiting everything. Every morning he would be laid out on the floor drunk. My kids had to see this. As simple as it may sound, ending it isn't so easy.


QUOTE=FeelingGreat;6570865]Afraid is not a word that is used in a healthy relationship. Have you considered that it might be time to end it?
I'm not sure from your post whether you're afraid of him? Toxic can cover a big range of behaviour, and if you have any fears for yourself please consider talking to a local domestic violence service.[/QUOTE]

Sheis2nice

That's my goal. To not have any contact with him only regarding the kids. As l mentioned, if he goes to his mothers house that would make everything much easier. I did join a Al-anon but l was only able to make it once since l found it. I missed last weeks due a work. It's definitely a place l plan on attending. I'm done trying to change him. I thought l could but it's obvious I can't. Thank you for your advice!

Mango blast

This is where domestic violence shelters greatly helped me... in seeing abuse I couldn't see and in protecting myself and my son.

I'm legally expected to keep my son safe from alcoholic behavior, yet support from this area is the only way I found ways to do so.

(((Hugs)))

BlownOne

He's very toxic & nasty! It's been so peaceful without him here

This says it all to me. Are you willing to go back to the way it was after seeing how it could be? Your peace and sanity are worth more than his selfishness.

Debbyjay

The fact that you have a 'but' in your comment worries me for you. I used that word so many times! Do you think bringing a sick alcoholic into your home is good for your kids? I pray you can be strong. Keep seeking wisdom.

tomsteve

im not the smartest, but it seems like since you have kids together, it might be wise to start now on legal action necessary to legally get and keep him away.

LexieCat

This. As a parent, he has certain rights. Depending on where you live, without a custody/visitation order in place (which you need even if you weren't ever married), there might be nothing to stop him from picking up the kids and refusing to return them. Moreover, he has an obligation to provide financial support for his children.

Please get some legal advice ASAP for your own protection and that of your kids.

LexieCat

One other thing--depending on whose name the lease/deed to your home is in, it might be very difficult to prevent him from legally returning to your home. Another reason to consult a lawyer.