Notices

Ugh

Old 08-11-2017, 11:25 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Missoula, Montana
Posts: 164
Ugh

I think this is likely the umpteenth million time I've typed the word UGH in a thread title.

I find myself back here again and I wonder if my basic struggle comes from my marriage, the hope I have that he actually loves me and the memory of all the horrible (and I mean horrible) things he says to me that echo and echo and echo.

I left once. I came back. He doesn't hit me. But he's mean. And I am so disgusted not only that I am me, and obviously worth only his disdain and cruelty, but also that I willingly take it and am afraid to leave. What the hell is wrong with me?

He starts in and I want to drink. Bottom line. And I am such a weakling I cannot leave. So wrong on so many fronts.
ckoures is offline  
Old 08-11-2017, 11:43 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jules714's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Hi.
Abuse is abuse is abuse. Him abusing you is causing you to abuse you. What a vicious cycle. My goodness, big hug.
You left once you can do it again. Do you have a place to go? Do you have support? Do they know what's going on?
I would try to come up with a solid plan of getting out of there and into a rehab and perhaps a sober living situation if I were you.
Take care,
Jules
Jules714 is offline  
Old 08-11-2017, 11:52 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chilledice's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 2,057
Wow he really HAS made you feel disgusted with yourself hasn't he?

I have seen abuse first hand both physical and emotional and I can tell you without a doubt that you have been brainwashed into believing LIES about yourself!

Make that first step and come away from him and healing will come.

Do you have any family members that can help or a close friend?
Chilledice is offline  
Old 08-11-2017, 12:45 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Missoula, Montana
Posts: 164
Thank you both. And if I were sitting on the outside, I'd say the same thing. And then I look at things I have done, things that have hurt him that he consistently flogs me over, and I realize I deserve it. I've made the first step before and at 53 years old, I have no money and no security without him. 53. A whole goddamned life. If I honestly could blot myself from the earth, I would do it. But that hurts other people and there's been enough of that. I feel stuck in a cage. I didn't drink until my 40's. These problems overwhelmed me and I became what I would hate for anyone to be. Good god, what a pity party this is.
ckoures is offline  
Old 08-11-2017, 12:54 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chilledice's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 2,057
Originally Posted by ckoures View Post
Thank you both. And if I were sitting on the outside, I'd say the same thing. And then I look at things I have done, things that have hurt him that he consistently flogs me over, and I realize I deserve it. I've made the first step before and at 53 years old, I have no money and no security without him. 53. A whole goddamned life. If I honestly could blot myself from the earth, I would do it. But that hurts other people and there's been enough of that. I feel stuck in a cage. I didn't drink until my 40's. These problems overwhelmed me and I became what I would hate for anyone to be. Good god, what a pity party this is.
I want you to take a deep breath and sit back and think of what you just said about yourself, CLASSIC of someone who has been the victim of abuse!

My mother's friend in her early 50s found out that after thirty years of marriage her husband was sleeping with prostitutes , he also treated her like rubbish! Slowly but surely she is rebuilding her life and so can you.
Chilledice is offline  
Old 08-11-2017, 12:54 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jules714's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
You are likely going to feel that way while you are drinking. It's a depressant. You're probably even going to feel that way for a while after you quit.
I'm no expert. I'm not very far along in this sober journey. Maybe just work on the sobriety and see what comes of that??
It will be worth it.
Jules
Jules714 is offline  
Old 08-11-2017, 04:13 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,937
Hi Ckoures

No one deserves to be abused. No one. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

No matter who started it or why, it sounds very toxic to me.

There is a great sticky in the Family and Friends forum about abuse and how to leave.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

This need not be your life

D
Dee74 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:49 AM.