qtpi

Finally a date was set for financial negotiation. I have not seen XAH in over a year. Lawyer said it is best if I am in the same room. How do I handle this? Such a mix of feelings- ambivalence, anger, fear, regret, guilt, disgust, feeling repulsed- need I go on? Of course he arranged for it to be the last possible day legally for him to do this. This could have all been settled well before the end of 2016.
Any tips on how to handle this meeting and the time leading up to it?

AnvilheadII

gosh, are you SURE it's crucial that you be present? i'm not saying your attorney is wrong. perhaps it's about appearances to the judge or panel? i've been divorced twice and never saw the inside of a courtroom, so i don't know.

if you must be present, you don't have to stare him down. you can look elsewhere. you can hopefully choose seating that keeps him out of your direct line of sight.

remember, he's not the boogie man. he's just a complete jackwad putz. maybe you can do the "i'm pinching your head" thing with your thumb and fore finger??

it's almost over babe. suck it up, bite on a bullet and just get it DONE!

Sasha1972

Could you ask your lawyer to ensure that you aren't seated in XAH's line of vision, so you can look ahead without seeing him? Focus on a point on the wall of the room (maybe a piece of artwork or a window or something) and keeping returning your gaze to that point if you feel yourself slipping. Focus on your breathing - four-count in, four-count out. Pretend that XAH is a giant beetle who has temporarily taken human form. Imagine you're in a movie and you're playing the part of a calm, self-assured person sitting in a room with their screwed-up ex. You're playing a role, you don't have to bring your "real" self into the room.

One small thing - take little sips of water. Apparently small slow swallows signal to your sympathetic nervous system that everything is fine, no need for fight-or-flight, and the physiological manifestations will calm down. Gulping doesn't work because it's like you're fueling your body to fight or flee. Sounds flakey but it works for me.

All of these are strategies I've used to deal with being in the same room as ex, which I will have to do for several hours tomorrow on custody issues. Good luck to both of us!

amy55

Is your lawyer going to be in the room with you? I would only reply to your lawyer. Don't even look at him.

qtpi

Yes. My lawyer will be there. I plan to not look at him or talk with him at all. They tell me max time is an hour. It wouldnt surprise me if he refuses to negotiate... Just fulfilling the courts requirement and then it goes to family court. More delays.

SaveYourHeart

We never mediate in the same room if it's an issue for the client. It makes no difference in our negotiations.

LexieCat

I know of no requirement that you be in the same room. When I did mediation for a lawsuit I was involved in, my lawyer and I were in one room, the other parties/their lawyers in another, and the mediator went from room to room talking with all of us.

I'd ask your lawyer to explain why she thinks it's necessary. If there's some good reason, arrange not to look at him and talk only to your lawyer (and the mediator, if that's appropriate).

qtpi

Well, I jumped through that hoop. As I expected he will not budge off his initial offer. It was a waste of an hour- lots of game playing for him to regurgitate the same offer he made initially. But he had to do it to be in compliance with court. There was no mediator. Just us and the 2 lawyers. He tried to sit across from me- and I got up and moved to the next chair. He tried to talk to me and I said to my lawyer- Tell him I will only talk through you. Then he got upset and he left for a few minutes- his lawyer came back with him and talked to me like I was a child- said we had to be civil- I said, I am being civil. Tell him I will only talk through you(meaning my attorney). His lawyer brought up how expensive going to court will be.- if we don't agree. I am not going to roll over and show my belly. This man makes more than double what I make and he lives in our huge house with a paid off mortgage while I pay for an 800 square foot apartment. It was really unbelievable- he said should not have to give up his lifestyle for me.

LexieCat

Good job! You handled that very well.

So that hoop has been jumped through, that item checked off the list. You're that much closer to being done. I'm glad you're not letting him and his condescending lawyer intimidate you.

Hang in!!

MsPINKAcres

Good for you doing what is healthy for you - sometimes it's a long, hard battle for what is fair

wishing you the best

qtpi

Thank you! I was so surprised when he ran out of the room. He could not get me under his control. I think his lawyer went after him and told him- if you walk out now- the judge will find in her favor. I did sip on water. At one point he complained he shouldn't have to give up his lifestyle for me- and I laughed and explained- I left with a part time job and no benefits- and I have had to adjust my lifestyle quite a bit. Hoping to get something equitable. His lawyer didn't give my lawyer all the requested papers until the day before- more game playing!

hopeful4

Good job! Stay the course, this is one thing you can checkmark off, and you did great!