Mango blast

My husband is just over 1 year sober and we're still living apart. I have these words from last Saturday still ringing in my head. It's the third time it's been said this summer.

"How long am I going to be punished?"

I need time and space to heal. I've said this. 30 years of marriage. Many, many years of alcoholism. Life flights from injuries sustained while drunk. He's driven while drunk. He's been to alcohol rehabs and mental health hospitalization. I'm not trying to punish him... I'm trying to take care of myself and our 10 year old son.

Most days I can quiet the accusations that echo back in my head. This morning, this week, this one I'm having a hard time with.

When he asks how long he's going to be punished, is there a different translation for that?

Hearing that "you're perfect for me" can mean "I put up with his crap" really hit home for me.

hopeful4

Your healing is not his punishment. And if he thinks it is, he is not in true recovery.

Big huge hugs!

Bekindalways

How long is he going to keep blaming his pain on other people?

LexieCat

It means he sees your separation as a "weapon" that was used to coerce his sobriety. He's thinking of you like that cop in the YouTube video in the past week, holding a gun on a vehicle's occupants for 9 minutes. He DID what you wanted--how long are you gonna hold the gun on him?

Of course, that's not why you separated, nor why you continue to need time apart. You are free to continue to live apart from him, but you must recognize that he has the equal right to decide he doesn't want to wait for you to heal. Hopefully you are at peace with the notion that he has the same right to "move on" that you do. If he wants to maintain the marriage he's going to have to accept your need for continued time apart. Just wondering, though, how you will feel if he decides he doesn't want it badly enough to continue to wait?

tomsteve

"When he asks how long he's going to be punished, is there a different translation for that?'

a couple translations could be,imo:
-when can i start drinking again?
-im a dry drunk.
-have sympathy on poor me that put you through hell but hasnt looked at that or worked on myself.
-im still self centered

the major translation,imo
- dont trust me and take care of yourself.

LeeJane

It's all about HIM.

Berrybean

I agree with all of the above. This is a man who may (or may not) be sober, but is not recovered or growing.

If you do not want to get back together with him indefinitely you may need to be more blunt, and then block him so you don't need to listen to him whine about how hurt he is.

You are not going to be able to convince him that your motives are about looking after yourself while he is in this ego-centric state. And unless he actually engages in some real recovery work he is not going to move past this state.

BB

Mango blast

Thank you.

I've been getting extra counseling this week. It seems like a lot of emotions are being brought out to deal with, and in that I'm getting some rebound-guilt within me.

Turning this over to my Higher Power and turning my attention back to what I can do for myself today.

Good nutrition. Reaching out to others. Connecting. Get some work done. Find some kind of play time.

dandylion

Ktf......My translation to "How long am I going to be punished?"-----"O.k...I am doing this sobriety thing to satisfy you so that things can return to the status quo".
I deduce from this that, at his core, he is not doing it for himself because it wants it for himself.
It also leads me to conclude that he is not working a diligent program...working a strong program...in which the thinking , attitude and actions are changed.
It doesn't sound like sobriety is the top priority....it sounds like getting back with you is the main goal.
There is a big difference between being "sober" and in recovery....
Recovery shows.....humility, honesty...respect for the boundaries of others....

There are no guarantees about relationship outcomes. Some relationships make it and lots don't.

It makes me wonder...why does he think that the relationship is going to resume? Was one year a marker that was agreed on?
Did you promise him anything?
There are lots...lots...of factors that go into making a satisfying marriage. More than just drinking or no drinking.....

What do you want? It takes two people to make a marriage...not just "Me, Me, Me"......

Don't get lost in the FOG....Fear...Obligation...Guilt.

You have every right to choose what you want. And, it doesn't hinge on whether others agree with it. Many times they never will....

Mango blast

We still get together for family time -- laughter, fun, good times. Not sure how to proceed other than taking things one day at a time. That's been very healing and has worked so far. No timeline has ever been set. I've been very clear that there isn't a timeline for healing.

I'm very thankful for all the counseling and support I have from others who've been through this.

dandylion

KTf.......If the "good times"....laughter, fun, time together, also includes the horizontal tango.....it seems like there really isn't much of a separation....It sounds like you two are still very much entwined. To the kids, I wonder if they see it as daddy lives in another house.....(that can be confusing to kids).....
It just sounds very "blurry", to me.....

given that, I can see why it would seem logical for him to ask...."when is my "time out" over?

do you think that you may be giving double messages to him?

Have you made your boundaries and intentions crystal clear?

Mango blast

Lol! No... no intimacy.

We're in different cities and visit a couple times a month. Miniature golf. Going to the lake. Going out to eat. We very rarely did these things before.

We've been learning how to slow down, do less, plan less, enjoy time with each other. Most of our visits have been very good.

He has some other transitions going on, not involving us.

More will be revealed. Things will either improve or get worse. I'm finding how to be comfortable with my own core self, and in that I'll be okay either way.

dandylion

Jrf....one more thought...If you ever want to know where an alcoholic is at....just tell them "NO" about something they want.....and, the truth will all come rolling out.....

AnvilheadII

It's the third time it's been said this summer.

"How long am I going to be punished?"

it says everything you do not want to hear. he has no concern for how you are doing, what you are feeling, any healing you feel you need. he does not see this past year in a good light, or a positive thing. only a nightmare to be endured, like PRISON.

i think you two are viewing this time apart completely differently. i think perhaps it's also quite possible you two are viewing any time spent together differently as well.

dandylion

Ktf....lol...good...because that makes it all sooo much harder.....

honeypig

ktf, do you honestly feel that you could ever resume the relationship, given the damage that's been done? If so, then perhaps you do need to start testing the waters with him to see if in fact there IS something left, some point to either go back to or to begin again from. But I'd suggest taking it very, very slow, remembering that it IS just a trial to see if this is something you both want to pursue. You’ll both be fighting the habits of 30 years and it will be TOUGH to avoid falling into the same ruts you’ve worn so deeply over those years. I’d also like to echo those who’ve said that it is still all about him, and say that I would doubt the depth of his recovery work.

And if you honestly don't think you can get past everything that has happened, then perhaps you owe it to both of you to say that, clearly and up front. That way, both parties know exactly what the score is and can move on in whatever direction seems best.

I recently came across a saying: There is no room for the new if you keep hanging onto the old. I see a number of ways this could be applied to my life; maybe you see some ways it might apply to yours, too.

ETA: Just read your post about spending time together, etc., and it sounds like you are and have been "testing the waters" already. Not sure how useful my post will be.

atalose

I’d tell him, ask me in 30 years!!!

I agree, he doesn’t sound like he’s really recovering it sounds more like he’s itching to get back into his old comfort zone.

Mango blast

Very useful... all these replies help.

Honeypig, I hadn't thought of it as testing the waters. It's very helpful to have different viewpoints on this!

Ariesagain

One other possible translation..."when are you going to have sex with me"?

With my XAH, anything he did "for me" meant he expected a quid pro quo. His entire life was a barter system.

(His new wife is a marriage counselor, which makes me giggle.)

P.S. If you do resume having sex, to him that will probably mean a complete return to the status quo for everything else.

Maudcat

Hi, keeping.
Something I have observed with alcohol dependent people is their ability to dodge and swat away responsibility for their actions.
It is always, always, always someone else's fault.
That your husband feels he is being punished tells me, my opinion only, mind, that he is not in recovery.
Not yet.
If he were, he would accept that damage has been done, and there is no timeline for your healing.
This isn't punishment, though it must seem so to him.
This is about how you want to craft the rest of your life.
Really, when you think about it, it has very little to do with him, and a whole lot to do with you and what you want.
And what you are daring to ask for.
Good luck.
Peace.