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Relapsed , incredibly regretful.

Old 08-10-2017, 04:14 AM
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Relapsed , incredibly regretful.

So I've posted here a couple of times already. I was already Sober and clean for about 7 months, was finally getting my life back together. Started running again and was training for a marathon... When i relapsed about 3 and a half weeks ago . It started with a casual dose of heroin every couple of days, and last weekend i went on a binge of alcohol + heroin + some random party pill(dont remember) . It all happened so fast, i felt like it was a day but a whole week had passed by. I dont remember so much of it but my parents found me outside of my apartment passed out in the stairway. I woke up the next day, ran out of my house and got ********* again. Woke up the next day to the shakes and a horrible headache . It was the first time in a long time that i've felt like that, my body demanded for more alcohol or heroin. Spent the next couple of days in complete misery and amnesia, i also started having some mild hallucinations through the night and it was just so horrible. I have not felt like that since my last time in rehab back in August 2016 when i was withdrawing from a bunch of things. Parents just had a talk with me and i broke down completely and even more when they told me things like " Why did god curse me with you? , and " you've not done 1 good thing for the family, you have only brought us down " . The sad thing is whatever they say is completely true. Im 19 years old, and i have not accomplished anything in my life. I dropped out of school when i was 15 because of drugs and alcohol. Went back to school a bunch of times but couldn't handle the stress and the anxiety and depression and went right back to drinking and smoking H . Got a job and lost it ( twice) .





I feel so hopeless right now. my parents locked me in the house so i wouldn't go out and score some or drink. I'm blessed with a family that still gives a **** about me, but why did i end up this way? . Why is it i wake up every single day wanting to die or get high . I'm sorry if this was too much to read or if i was blabbering , but i honestly feel hopeless and suicidal again after a long time . I know that i should get help etc, but i already have! , i've been admitted to a psych ward (twice) , and been to rehab. My parents paid everything for me. They can't afford to do it again. The way my mom just talked to me , its as if they just want me to go ahead and kill myself. i dont know what to do anymore.
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Old 08-10-2017, 04:22 AM
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Sorry your feeling this way, sometimes as a parent we say things because we are scared for our children and at a loss as to what to do, sounds to me like your parents love you so much but are worried for you, and so they should be, can you get to a doctor, look at this and keep reminding yourself you can do it, you have already proved you can feel happier again, wishing you all the luck in the world
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Old 08-10-2017, 04:27 AM
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You are the same age as my elder son. Your story makes me feel like crying for you and your parents. They do still love you. They probably got mad because they are at their wits end in knowing how to help you. At least they have locked you in the house - if they did not care they would not have done this.

You have shown you can do 7 months. You need to remember this through what will be a very hard detox again.

There is no such thing as a casual dose of heroin. I think you misspelled that and it should read causal.

Keep close to SR for advice and support.
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Old 08-10-2017, 04:54 AM
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Thanks decchemist and Mummyto2 for the replies. I was dumb to not expect 2 weeks of using to make me completely dependant on it again. It's crazy how i rationalised using again and it completely destroyed my mind, life and progress.
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Old 08-10-2017, 05:00 AM
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HI Corse,

You did great for 7 months and all that time isn't loss because of the last 3 weeks. Now you have to work on your plan and learn from whatever happened that caused the setback.

Once you get to feeling better I hope you complete that Marathon. That is quite an accomplishment. Running isn't easy. I can't do it.

I am sure as soon as you get back on track and show some effort on wanting to be sober again things will start to get better with your parents. It is still early on and their still upset.
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Old 08-10-2017, 05:04 AM
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Now put a plan in place to turn your life around and make yourself and parents happy and proud, you have your whole life ahead of you, put this down to a mistake that won't happen again, you can do this good luck
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Old 08-10-2017, 05:06 AM
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Hi Corse. Thanks for sharing your story. I have come to give you good news. First, there is no question that your parents love you and want to help you. It's just that they probably finally realize that you are the one that has to help yourself. Second, great job on joining SR. Here, you will get support from others who have suffered from addiction and will never judge you. Third, it is apparent to me that you are intelligent and caring. These are great traits! Fourth, you are incredibly young. Get this disease under control and you have an opportunity to start living a great sober life, one where you can accomplish anything you desire, at an age that thousands of us at SR wish we could have. Finally, this will take some time, but I hope that you are able to let go of the guilt and shame and look at your addiction for what it is - a disease. Treat it, just like you would treat other diseases. Make a plan, develop a support system, and execute that plan. A wonderful, long sober life awaits you my friend.
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Old 08-10-2017, 06:13 AM
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Hey - I totally understand .... Things seem so bad ... But they are not!

You can get back to the "clean" you... Like the 7 months you just had!

Get back to clean you... Training and running.

Please understand.. it only takes a "Glimmer" of positiveness and toughness. To get back to the place your were .. during the 7 months you were clean and sober.

THINK about it... But don't try to think too far ahead.

Think about getting through today (miserable as it will be). Get a huge jug of water... Keep your computer tablet or phone on SR. Take it one minute, hour at a time.

POST here and let's get through it..

The truth.... By Saturday or Sunday you will be over the worst.

You know, people want to help those who help themselves. Show yourself ... You can put all the BS behind. Yesterday don't matter .... It's only now. Today. THis minute.... Forget about the BS. It's over now.
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Old 08-10-2017, 06:27 AM
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Corse, You can overcome your addiction! My, God, you are a runner...you KNOW how to go the distance! This was just a stumble. Get back in the race better and stronger! Your life is important and has meaning so don't even think of ending it. You have so much to share and the stronger you become the more power you have over your addictions. Someone is going to need you to help them along so get yourself together and make your life count.
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Old 08-10-2017, 08:19 AM
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Pick up, dust off, quit beating yourself up, look at the bright side and all the positives... you can get back on track.
Stay close to SR, you are not alone! You can do this!
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Old 08-10-2017, 11:40 AM
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Corse, you have something that I wish I had 9 years ago, awareness.

Believe it or not, there is a lot of people that take a while to realize they have a problem.

I inflicted so much pain to my parents during so much time, and it generated me a lot of pain too because I love them like crazy.

Do know something, there is a way out.
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Old 08-10-2017, 11:56 AM
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Corse, I am a Momma of a recovering heroin addict. I have spent 7 years dealing with his heroin addicition while loving him and praying for his sobriety. Your parents ADORE you, and what they are saying comes from the fear of the addiction because you have shown them you can be sober. You can do this! Heroin kills. Stop and never look back. Its taken my son a long time, and he has done a lot of things to his family, but we have never stopped loving him. We have (however) not supported him to stay high on drugs. I am sure your parents want that amazing person who they had for the 7 months. Hugs and prayers for your continued commitment to a better life.
TT
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Old 08-10-2017, 12:49 PM
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I also lapsed a few weeks ago and felt helpless. Was in a very dark place. The mind is such a powerful thing especially when there isn't much clarity going on due to the poison we consumed.
Try (and it's not easy) to talk positively to yourself. Your inner conversation needs to be affirming and kind, not negative.
Every time you feel helpless and utterly depressed, talk to yourself positively. You are not a bad person, not evil, or a psychopath, you have an illness and an addiction. You can get through this rough patch. You will get through it as you have proven already that you can stop.
Be kind to yourself hun, you are worth it!
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Old 08-10-2017, 04:16 PM
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Some good advice here Corse - how are you doing now?

D
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Old 08-10-2017, 11:51 PM
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Thanks for the replies everyone! . Reading all those replies really made me feel alot better and realise that my depression is just making me feel more hopeless than the situation really is. Decided to stay home for now(locked in anyway) , and just focus on getting well and get through the intense cravings. Reading all the stories of others on the forum really gives me hope. Thanks again everyone , i appreciate every single reply .

Corse
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Old 08-11-2017, 12:07 AM
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Corse..

Love as a parent is unconditional and that makes them hurt more.

What's done is done. Question for you. Would you change it now if you could? Might seem a silly question but when I went let myself go back to my old ways i realise now i hated the way I felt but didn't really regret it, until last time. So whilst i felt like sh1t3 with myself I hadn't go to where I needed to be. Losing something precious woke me up and knowing now the whole extent of what i could have lost....

You have proved you can get through the worst....which you now get the pleasure if again. See that as a good thing. You won't want to do it too many more times!

Dark places feel lonely and insurmountable. You have people who care...you're luckier than alot!

Stay strong.
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