Son gone astray
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 4
Son gone astray
Hi all I'm very new here, but not new to alcohol and substance abuse, being raised in house with my parents drinking heavily and all the dysfunctional behaviour that goes with it. I've had my own battle with my demons and for many years now part of a fellowship that has saved my life and taught me how to live a life of simplicity and gratitude.
Today I am grieving as I come to terms with my son's addiction to marijuana and how much he has changed over 18 months since leaving our family home. He hit a rock bottom 3 months ago with a suicide attempt and since then I have relocated to have him home and be closer to work. Our family pulled together to support him after his time in hospital and I've had him living with me for a month and during that time I believed the little stories he told me as to why his behaviour was odd.
I came home to a bong and bowl of weed in my lounge room a few days ago and that evening told him to leave. I am totally drained from carrying him during the month he has been with me both emotionally and almost financially. I can now see he has been using the whole time he has lived with me which i made clear at the start was not part of him coming home, he agreed he wouldn't and he wanted to get his life together.
I can now see I've been enabling him and am devastated in understanding his use.... possibly daily is reducing his ability to be a functional young man. He has resorted to lying, avoiding me and asking for money for bills as he is buying his drugs.
I keep second guessing myself on the harsh stance I took, then I look at how he abused my love, respect and trust for him and I know he's crossed a line where getting high is more to him than a healthy life.
I would love to hear from anyone else as I am struggling to accept my son has changed so much and I can't make him stop and I don't want him in my home whilst he is using but I'm scared of what will happen for him which is beyond my control
Today I am grieving as I come to terms with my son's addiction to marijuana and how much he has changed over 18 months since leaving our family home. He hit a rock bottom 3 months ago with a suicide attempt and since then I have relocated to have him home and be closer to work. Our family pulled together to support him after his time in hospital and I've had him living with me for a month and during that time I believed the little stories he told me as to why his behaviour was odd.
I came home to a bong and bowl of weed in my lounge room a few days ago and that evening told him to leave. I am totally drained from carrying him during the month he has been with me both emotionally and almost financially. I can now see he has been using the whole time he has lived with me which i made clear at the start was not part of him coming home, he agreed he wouldn't and he wanted to get his life together.
I can now see I've been enabling him and am devastated in understanding his use.... possibly daily is reducing his ability to be a functional young man. He has resorted to lying, avoiding me and asking for money for bills as he is buying his drugs.
I keep second guessing myself on the harsh stance I took, then I look at how he abused my love, respect and trust for him and I know he's crossed a line where getting high is more to him than a healthy life.
I would love to hear from anyone else as I am struggling to accept my son has changed so much and I can't make him stop and I don't want him in my home whilst he is using but I'm scared of what will happen for him which is beyond my control
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Hi Karen
My heart is breaking for you. I am a recovering addict, have been clean and sober for 17 months now.
But, I too have a son who smokes WAY too much marijuana and I fear that he's heading down the same path of destruction that I went down.
My son is 17, is still in school and lives at home.
The worst part of this is that it is his journey and I can't help him unless he wants help. That is not to say that he gets away with it. He is facing consequences of his actions (grounded; no cash etc).
I think you're doing the right thing but not allowing your son back home. It's called tough love, but nothing prepares us for the pain and worry that this causes us.
Good that you've acknowledge that you son's behaviour is beyond your control and that you are completely powerless over his decisions.
I will keep you in prayer and just encourage you to not back down on the boundaries that you've put in place
My heart is breaking for you. I am a recovering addict, have been clean and sober for 17 months now.
But, I too have a son who smokes WAY too much marijuana and I fear that he's heading down the same path of destruction that I went down.
My son is 17, is still in school and lives at home.
The worst part of this is that it is his journey and I can't help him unless he wants help. That is not to say that he gets away with it. He is facing consequences of his actions (grounded; no cash etc).
I think you're doing the right thing but not allowing your son back home. It's called tough love, but nothing prepares us for the pain and worry that this causes us.
Good that you've acknowledge that you son's behaviour is beyond your control and that you are completely powerless over his decisions.
I will keep you in prayer and just encourage you to not back down on the boundaries that you've put in place
Last edited by TraceyRecovery; 08-10-2017 at 01:39 AM. Reason: Forgot to mention
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Karen. My son became addicted to drugs in his early 20's. and remains addicted today about 20 some years later. He has had periods of sobriety, some as long as 3 years, but addiction is a progressive disease and his desire to stop was never greater than his need to use.
For years and years I tried letting him live at home, thinking a good safe home and love would help him find a better path. I tried tough love and soft love, enabling and no contact, and in the end nothing I did or did not do made one iota of difference...he continued his path of self-destruction and has been missing now for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere.
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
In the end only they can help themselves, if and when they are ready.
I lost thousands of dollars, some through his theft, some trying to buy him clean. I lost myself somewhere in the process when a life of dysfunction became my norm. HIS addiction almost killed ME.
What saved my sanity was going to meetings, for me it was CoDA and Al-anon, and coming to SR to surround myself with support and the wisdom of those who went before me. Reading books like "Codependent No More" helped me see how sick "I" had become and led me to a better way of living, regardless of how my son chose to live his life.
Today I get through my days by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to watch over my son and do for him what I cannot. Then I live my life in peace, finding joy in each day and beauty in the world that surrounds me.
My heart feels your pain, watching a child self-destruct is unlike any other pain I have ever known.
Please stick around, read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum and you will see that you are not alone here, you are among friends who truly understand what you are going through.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
For years and years I tried letting him live at home, thinking a good safe home and love would help him find a better path. I tried tough love and soft love, enabling and no contact, and in the end nothing I did or did not do made one iota of difference...he continued his path of self-destruction and has been missing now for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere.
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
In the end only they can help themselves, if and when they are ready.
I lost thousands of dollars, some through his theft, some trying to buy him clean. I lost myself somewhere in the process when a life of dysfunction became my norm. HIS addiction almost killed ME.
What saved my sanity was going to meetings, for me it was CoDA and Al-anon, and coming to SR to surround myself with support and the wisdom of those who went before me. Reading books like "Codependent No More" helped me see how sick "I" had become and led me to a better way of living, regardless of how my son chose to live his life.
Today I get through my days by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to watch over my son and do for him what I cannot. Then I live my life in peace, finding joy in each day and beauty in the world that surrounds me.
My heart feels your pain, watching a child self-destruct is unlike any other pain I have ever known.
Please stick around, read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum and you will see that you are not alone here, you are among friends who truly understand what you are going through.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Hi Karen01 and welcome, sorry for what has brought you here to SR. I think the fact you realized your help was “enabling” and took a stand on the boundary you laid out for him. It is very hard as parents when we have to ask them to leave our homes but it is the right thing to do even though it may not feel like it.
After experiencing life with an addict, finding al-anon and then ending that toxic relationship I believe I was prepared to tell my son who was drinking/smoking pot and who knows what else, to take his show on the road. It broke my heart and damaged what was a close relationship, for a period of time. I became first in a line of people in his life that detached from his addict behaviors and he eventually did find his bottom. Had I continued to rescue and attempt to fix him, I am sure he would not have had the need to hit bottom. When we ask them to leave it doesn’t insure they will hit bottom but at least we are no longer contributing to the disease and making it easy for them to continue to use.
After experiencing life with an addict, finding al-anon and then ending that toxic relationship I believe I was prepared to tell my son who was drinking/smoking pot and who knows what else, to take his show on the road. It broke my heart and damaged what was a close relationship, for a period of time. I became first in a line of people in his life that detached from his addict behaviors and he eventually did find his bottom. Had I continued to rescue and attempt to fix him, I am sure he would not have had the need to hit bottom. When we ask them to leave it doesn’t insure they will hit bottom but at least we are no longer contributing to the disease and making it easy for them to continue to use.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi Karen01. I agree with atalose. I don't have a son, but I have a husband who is an addict. I took care of him for years, and every time he said he had quit, he had not quit. It got to a point where I was exhausted emotionally, physically, and financially and he was doing nothing about his problem but using enough drugs that he as overdosing on a consistent and regular basis. After AH had a near-death experience, I really woke up to the fact that no amount of love or money was doing to "cure" him and I was merely enabling him. It was too late by then and he had developed psychosis and seriously violent behaviors. I don't think you did the wrong thing. It is terrible to have to let someone go. I have heard that no matter how difficult my situation, at least I am not having to detach from my own child, but I will tell you that it was extremely difficult for me to detach from my husband because I felt responsible for his life. I felt that if he left, he would die. It took the realization that if he stayed, he would also die -- from an overdose -- and that would be (I felt) my fault because I had enabled him. If he is allowed the possibility of hitting rock-bottom, maybe he has a chance. I hope and pray that you and your son make it through this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi All.... always makes me cry.. as Moms we try so hard.. to have good kids. to become great adults.. almost lost my Moose to this ... everyone said . let him go . not my little mouse that grew into a 6 foot 4 moose not on my watch.. Moose and Eddie Lee just drove each other over the wall... sometimes I can laugh and then sometimes I just cry... Moose became a Chaplain Assistant in the US Army.. now remarried with a married in daughter that is ill a lot... he just keeps trying. has given up the drinking and smoking. so the new family he got helps.. kids our kids we just love them so much... ekkekekkekekeek prayers hopes for a better tomorrow...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Karen I am deeply sorry for your situation . Your post could have been mine as we are going through the exact same with our 23 year old son and weed . He lost his job Tuesday which he loved ,went out at lunchtime and smoked . He is gutted we are gutted the house is silent , we all feel lost . I,m 10 days sober an no intention of drinking but this post is not about me . He needs to face up to this cannibis habit as an addiction which he maintains is not . I/we don't know what to do next .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Karen. I am a mom of a recovering heroin addict. I enabled and nurtured and begged and lied and pleaded and anything else you can think of to "help" my son get better. As Ann said before, it didn't matter one iota what I did. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I don't think you mentioned how old your son is? Mine is 27 and this addiction battle has been 7 long years of in/out of recovery. I have learned through the process to always love my son, but not to support him while he is actively in addiction. In patient treatment has always been very helpful to my son, but he had to want it himself to really make any grounds. Keep reading here. And if you can or choose to go to Alanon, it really does help in understanding that our boundaries are really to help US not the addict.
Hugs,
TT
Hugs,
TT
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Bobtown, PA
Posts: 1
only a parent.
I have spent the last 45 minutes here reading stories that actually 99% of them apply to me as a parent!.....I definitely was an enabler. saw no wrong in my son, until I saw it. It was all just a major disaster, and I fell into it head first.
I was always a "giver", a "helper" a let me do that for you person. I like people, I love absolutely love nature, and all of it. I put the spiders outside..(could tell u so many stories on that one!)...have taken in stray cats, had them fixed, and their litters!
But the last 8 months of my sons addiction, I just had had enough.
Once you have had enough, seen enough, gone though enough, and lost enough.......u realize, "ENOUGH". I kicked him out...I left him high and dry, and never regretted it.
He never moved out, Until his 4th try at recovery, and I was beside myself. It is bad when a mother says, if I load the gun, would u???
(yes, I said that!)... I think back on that time, and say...yes, yes I did...and I was so crazy at that point, I just wanted his life intertwined with mine to quit....money, worry, worry, money. and its you, or me at this point...I thought about leaving, but had just acquired a new home.........I was NOT giving this up. something I waited 30 yrs. for.
what it all comes down to is............its us..it's them...and no u cannot help them, as much as we want to, love them, beg them, plead........it never works.
he has been clean and sober for 2 yrs............but daily I think
that 15 seconds from the next fix,,,,,,,,,,,,,will always be there! and my mind is there daily.
Patti L
I was always a "giver", a "helper" a let me do that for you person. I like people, I love absolutely love nature, and all of it. I put the spiders outside..(could tell u so many stories on that one!)...have taken in stray cats, had them fixed, and their litters!
But the last 8 months of my sons addiction, I just had had enough.
Once you have had enough, seen enough, gone though enough, and lost enough.......u realize, "ENOUGH". I kicked him out...I left him high and dry, and never regretted it.
He never moved out, Until his 4th try at recovery, and I was beside myself. It is bad when a mother says, if I load the gun, would u???
(yes, I said that!)... I think back on that time, and say...yes, yes I did...and I was so crazy at that point, I just wanted his life intertwined with mine to quit....money, worry, worry, money. and its you, or me at this point...I thought about leaving, but had just acquired a new home.........I was NOT giving this up. something I waited 30 yrs. for.
what it all comes down to is............its us..it's them...and no u cannot help them, as much as we want to, love them, beg them, plead........it never works.
he has been clean and sober for 2 yrs............but daily I think
that 15 seconds from the next fix,,,,,,,,,,,,,will always be there! and my mind is there daily.
Patti L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by TraceyRecovery 
Hi Karen
My heart is breaking for you. I am a recovering addict, have been clean and sober for 17 months now.
But, I too have a son who smokes WAY too much marijuana and I fear that he's heading down the same path of destruction that I went down.
My son is 17, is still in school and lives at home.
The worst part of this is that it is his journey and I can't help him unless he wants help. That is not to say that he gets away with it. He is facing consequences of his actions (grounded; no cash etc).
I think you're doing the right thing but not allowing your son back home. It's called tough love, but nothing prepares us for the pain and worry that this causes us.
Good that you've acknowledge that you son's behaviour is beyond your control and that you are completely powerless over his decisions.
I will keep you in prayer and just encourage you to not back down on the boundaries that you've put in place
My heart is breaking for you. I am a recovering addict, have been clean and sober for 17 months now.
But, I too have a son who smokes WAY too much marijuana and I fear that he's heading down the same path of destruction that I went down.
My son is 17, is still in school and lives at home.
The worst part of this is that it is his journey and I can't help him unless he wants help. That is not to say that he gets away with it. He is facing consequences of his actions (grounded; no cash etc).
I think you're doing the right thing but not allowing your son back home. It's called tough love, but nothing prepares us for the pain and worry that this causes us.
Good that you've acknowledge that you son's behaviour is beyond your control and that you are completely powerless over his decisions.
I will keep you in prayer and just encourage you to not back down on the boundaries that you've put in place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by atalose
Hi Karen01 and welcome, sorry for what has brought you here to SR. I think the fact you realized your help was “enabling” and took a stand on the boundary you laid out for him. It is very hard as parents when we have to ask them to leave our homes but it is the right thing to do even though it may not feel like it.
After experiencing life with an addict, finding al-anon and then ending that toxic relationship I believe I was prepared to tell my son who was drinking/smoking pot and who knows what else, to take his show on the road. It broke my heart and damaged what was a close relationship, for a period of time. I became first in a line of people in his life that detached from his addict behaviors and he eventually did find his bottom. Had I continued to rescue and attempt to fix him, I am sure he would not have had the need to hit bottom. When we ask them to leave it doesn’t insure they will hit bottom but at least we are no longer contributing to the disease and making it easy for them to continue to use.
After experiencing life with an addict, finding al-anon and then ending that toxic relationship I believe I was prepared to tell my son who was drinking/smoking pot and who knows what else, to take his show on the road. It broke my heart and damaged what was a close relationship, for a period of time. I became first in a line of people in his life that detached from his addict behaviors and he eventually did find his bottom. Had I continued to rescue and attempt to fix him, I am sure he would not have had the need to hit bottom. When we ask them to leave it doesn’t insure they will hit bottom but at least we are no longer contributing to the disease and making it easy for them to continue to use.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 4
A huge thank you to your repsonses and warm welcome, I feel like I've come out of isolation dealing with a problem/addiction and its actually not mine to fix, its my sons. Healing my hurt and love for him has to be a priority.... easier said than done. Acceptance and action. Thank you for letting me know of the support groups I will be reaching out as I desperately want to heal from the pain I am in from seeing my son (21yr old) destroy himself
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by Karen01
Thank you Alatose, your right i want him gixed yesterday. He's had a rock bottom recently and that wasn't enough. I'm still reeling from that and I can see he isn't amd the aftermath for me is more mess to clean up and this 2nd round is enough for me.
TT
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