Things that remind me that despite all my high-functioningness I still need recovery
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Things that remind me that despite all my high-functioningness I still need recovery
So this evening I'm driving and the car starts making a funny noise, a medium-loud clatter under the front/centre of the hood. I bought the car two weeks ago, so I'm not familiar with its quirks yet. I call the dealer I bought it from and they say bring it in tomorrow and we'll get it fixed up. All straightforward, right?
But my first response when I heard a weird car noise was "ohmygod I broke the car. I am so stupid". And my second thought was "if ex finds out about this he'll have more evidence of how stupid and incompetent I am. He can never know. I really hope Kid doesn't tell him 'the car made a funny noise while Mom was driving', because then he'll have an excuse to tell Kid what a crappy parent I am. This is a disaster. I am about to be revealed as the useless idiot that ex always thought I was".
This is way out of proportion. I didn't break the car, it's just acting up a little. The dealer will service it tomorrow. This problem has a solution. Not everything that goes wrong around me is my fault. Even if Kid tells Dad "Mom's new car was acting up", and Dad goes on and on about how Mom probably broke it because she doesn't know anything about cars, that is his crap, not mine. What on earth is ex still doing in my head just waiting for something to go the slightest bit wrong so he can pounce? Why have I internalized him as the voice of relentless criticism?
Things like this are what remind me that Al Anon is a really good idea, and that even though I don't feel "sick" all the time, I am still in need of recovery.
But my first response when I heard a weird car noise was "ohmygod I broke the car. I am so stupid". And my second thought was "if ex finds out about this he'll have more evidence of how stupid and incompetent I am. He can never know. I really hope Kid doesn't tell him 'the car made a funny noise while Mom was driving', because then he'll have an excuse to tell Kid what a crappy parent I am. This is a disaster. I am about to be revealed as the useless idiot that ex always thought I was".
This is way out of proportion. I didn't break the car, it's just acting up a little. The dealer will service it tomorrow. This problem has a solution. Not everything that goes wrong around me is my fault. Even if Kid tells Dad "Mom's new car was acting up", and Dad goes on and on about how Mom probably broke it because she doesn't know anything about cars, that is his crap, not mine. What on earth is ex still doing in my head just waiting for something to go the slightest bit wrong so he can pounce? Why have I internalized him as the voice of relentless criticism?
Things like this are what remind me that Al Anon is a really good idea, and that even though I don't feel "sick" all the time, I am still in need of recovery.
Sasha, it takes a long time for those "voices" in your head to go away. I know. The voices in my head aren't gone yet, I'm just trying to deal with the triggers because once I deal with one, I'm usually good with the next one that comes along, with that same trigger.
One of my triggers was, my ex told me that I could never take care of paying the bills, that I was a complete idiot in that area. Well, my bills are paid of time, I have a credit rating of 820, but I'm still not satisfied. I want the 850. Just kidding.
Let us know how it goes tomorrow with the car.
More hugs for you.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
One of my triggers was, my ex told me that I could never take care of paying the bills, that I was a complete idiot in that area. Well, my bills are paid of time, I have a credit rating of 820, but I'm still not satisfied. I want the 850. Just kidding.
Let us know how it goes tomorrow with the car.
More hugs for you.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
It's unbelievable how deeply rooted these negative patterns of thought are, isn't it?
All you can do is keep seeing it, acknowledging it & correcting it with positive, forward-moving thoughts.... & you'll start to see a big change in your mental chatter before you know it. Hang in there Sasha, you're handling this all really great!
All you can do is keep seeing it, acknowledging it & correcting it with positive, forward-moving thoughts.... & you'll start to see a big change in your mental chatter before you know it. Hang in there Sasha, you're handling this all really great!
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