I know we can all relate...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
I know we can all relate...
That awful sinking feeling in the gut when you start to suspect drinking again. The inetense anxiety until you find out for sure, frantically searching for clues. And then when you're certain, the tears and the intense sadness so strong you can't stand up. Your kids asking where daddy is and you're trying to keep it together but seeing them rips your heart out even more.
That's me right now. AH had a good stretch of 7 weeks, the longest stretch of sobriety outside of rehab.
I wish I could be indifferent, but it still cuts to my core so strongly. I'm just broken right now. Any words of encouragement or tips to pick myself back up would be great. I need to be strong for my babies...
That's me right now. AH had a good stretch of 7 weeks, the longest stretch of sobriety outside of rehab.
I wish I could be indifferent, but it still cuts to my core so strongly. I'm just broken right now. Any words of encouragement or tips to pick myself back up would be great. I need to be strong for my babies...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
stay strong hon. he's not drinking AT you, he is drinking because he has not successfully found a way to arrest the disease and live in remission - aka Sobriety. he either isn't ready or doesn't wanna.............
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Surviving......The 3c's You didn't Cause it; You can't Control it; and you Can't fix it...
Alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it will get worse unless it is put into remission by complete abstainence....
It doesn't sound like he is ready to commit himself to a vigorous program and complete abstainence...for the rest of his life....
Meanwhile...you and two very young children are suffering...a lot...You have a toddler and a newborn baby...?
I must ask you a question...do you know where and how to get help?
If not...let us know and we can help you. There are lots of people on this forum...and those who have been where you are, right now....
I know that, last year, you were determined to stay with him....is that still the case, right now?
Alcoholism is progressive...meaning that it will get worse unless it is put into remission by complete abstainence....
It doesn't sound like he is ready to commit himself to a vigorous program and complete abstainence...for the rest of his life....
Meanwhile...you and two very young children are suffering...a lot...You have a toddler and a newborn baby...?
I must ask you a question...do you know where and how to get help?
If not...let us know and we can help you. There are lots of people on this forum...and those who have been where you are, right now....
I know that, last year, you were determined to stay with him....is that still the case, right now?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Yes, I have been where you are. It was a living hell.
I am sorry you are still living through this horror show. I know how painful, terrifying and exhausting it is.
I hope you are reaching out to all possible sources of support. I didn't... and I suffered harder and longer because of it.
Big hugs for you and your babies.
I am sorry you are still living through this horror show. I know how painful, terrifying and exhausting it is.
I hope you are reaching out to all possible sources of support. I didn't... and I suffered harder and longer because of it.
Big hugs for you and your babies.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
I feel for you and understand how you feel. Going through the same things my self along with my teenagers.
We need to stay strong set boundaries as I've been told. Trying to enforce a boundary now but not sure it'll work.
Hugs to all of you.
We need to stay strong set boundaries as I've been told. Trying to enforce a boundary now but not sure it'll work.
Hugs to all of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
Thank you all. I do have help, I have lots of family and friend support, but it's really on me. After all this time I still can't bring myself to detach or come up with a boundary that helps ME. I've actually filed for divorce but I don't want that I don't think. I only foresee it causing more issues honestly. It certainly wasn't the last straw to encourage him to change, which is why I think I did it in the first place.
It's also really hard when he has good days, or weeks. He's sober more than drunk at this point, and when he's sober he's an awesome dad, helps around the house, fun to be around. Maybe my problem is the good outweighs the bad for now? But when it's bad, it's so, so bad. I guess I worry about "throwing the baby out with the bath water."
It's also really hard when he has good days, or weeks. He's sober more than drunk at this point, and when he's sober he's an awesome dad, helps around the house, fun to be around. Maybe my problem is the good outweighs the bad for now? But when it's bad, it's so, so bad. I guess I worry about "throwing the baby out with the bath water."
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
After all this time I still can't bring myself to detach or come up with a boundary that helps ME. I've actually filed for divorce but I don't want that I don't think. I only foresee it causing more issues honestly. It certainly wasn't the last straw to encourage him to change, which is why I think I did it in the first place.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I can definitely relate to the intense sadness. I think it's because there's still a vestige of hope that maybe this time will be different - and when that hope gets squashed, it hurts all over again, even though you knew all along that this time probably wasn't going to be different.
Even if he's fun to be around and helps around the house when he's not drinking, the problem of his drinking remains. I wish it were possible to separate people into parts so we could take the best of them and leave the worst of them. Unfortunately, it's not possible. If he won't stop drinking, he's not a good parent and spouse, no matter how nice he is when he's sober.
Even if he's fun to be around and helps around the house when he's not drinking, the problem of his drinking remains. I wish it were possible to separate people into parts so we could take the best of them and leave the worst of them. Unfortunately, it's not possible. If he won't stop drinking, he's not a good parent and spouse, no matter how nice he is when he's sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Surviving...when you said that you were "broken right now"....I took you literally....lol.
It is wonderful that you have the support of finds and family...but you say that "it is all on you".....May I ask, what part is on you that they don't help with?
I do know that friends and family are often very uninformed about the dynamics of alcoholism and the effects on the spouse or loved ones, as well.
And, almost everyone underestimates the effects that it has on the children.....
Does your husband go to any kind of program or does he try to "white knuckle" it?
You indicate that he has been to rehabs...so, he certainly knows where the help is. Has he ever been evaluated for a dual diagnosis?
From your other posts, I know that y ou know about the support of alanon and the importance of a counselor to guide you....
If you are feeling so bad...you could still use the help of these people who will understand what you are going through...
I know the incredible pain of when they go back to the bottle....it feels like your heart has been slammed to the bottom of the ocean.....
The emotional stress is l ike trying to function with a large millstone strapped to your back.....
If the longest that he has ever been sober (outside of rehab)...I get the feeling that you are, essentially functioning like a single parent, anyway.
If thing got even worse...would you ever consider the possibility of living separate from him? You don't have to get divorced to live seperastely...at least, you would have some peace and some mental room to devote to yourself an the kids....
It is wonderful that you have the support of finds and family...but you say that "it is all on you".....May I ask, what part is on you that they don't help with?
I do know that friends and family are often very uninformed about the dynamics of alcoholism and the effects on the spouse or loved ones, as well.
And, almost everyone underestimates the effects that it has on the children.....
Does your husband go to any kind of program or does he try to "white knuckle" it?
You indicate that he has been to rehabs...so, he certainly knows where the help is. Has he ever been evaluated for a dual diagnosis?
From your other posts, I know that y ou know about the support of alanon and the importance of a counselor to guide you....
If you are feeling so bad...you could still use the help of these people who will understand what you are going through...
I know the incredible pain of when they go back to the bottle....it feels like your heart has been slammed to the bottom of the ocean.....
The emotional stress is l ike trying to function with a large millstone strapped to your back.....
If the longest that he has ever been sober (outside of rehab)...I get the feeling that you are, essentially functioning like a single parent, anyway.
If thing got even worse...would you ever consider the possibility of living separate from him? You don't have to get divorced to live seperastely...at least, you would have some peace and some mental room to devote to yourself an the kids....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Surviving...when you said that you were "broken right now"....I took you literally....lol.
It is wonderful that you have the support of finds and family...but you say that "it is all on you".....May I ask, what part is on you that they don't help with?
I do know that friends and family are often very uninformed about the dynamics of alcoholism and the effects on the spouse or loved ones, as well.
And, almost everyone underestimates the effects that it has on the children.....
Does your husband go to any kind of program or does he try to "white knuckle" it?
You indicate that he has been to rehabs...so, he certainly knows where the help is. Has he ever been evaluated for a dual diagnosis?
From your other posts, I know that y ou know about the support of alanon and the importance of a counselor to guide you....
If you are feeling so bad...you could still use the help of these people who will understand what you are going through...
I know the incredible pain of when they go back to the bottle....it feels like your heart has been slammed to the bottom of the ocean.....
The emotional stress is l ike trying to function with a large millstone strapped to your back.....
If the longest that he has ever been sober (outside of rehab)...I get the feeling that you are, essentially functioning like a single parent, anyway.
If thing got even worse...would you ever consider the possibility of living separate from him? You don't have to get divorced to live seperastely...at least, you would have some peace and some mental room to devote to yourself an the kids....
It is wonderful that you have the support of finds and family...but you say that "it is all on you".....May I ask, what part is on you that they don't help with?
I do know that friends and family are often very uninformed about the dynamics of alcoholism and the effects on the spouse or loved ones, as well.
And, almost everyone underestimates the effects that it has on the children.....
Does your husband go to any kind of program or does he try to "white knuckle" it?
You indicate that he has been to rehabs...so, he certainly knows where the help is. Has he ever been evaluated for a dual diagnosis?
From your other posts, I know that y ou know about the support of alanon and the importance of a counselor to guide you....
If you are feeling so bad...you could still use the help of these people who will understand what you are going through...
I know the incredible pain of when they go back to the bottle....it feels like your heart has been slammed to the bottom of the ocean.....
The emotional stress is l ike trying to function with a large millstone strapped to your back.....
If the longest that he has ever been sober (outside of rehab)...I get the feeling that you are, essentially functioning like a single parent, anyway.
If thing got even worse...would you ever consider the possibility of living separate from him? You don't have to get divorced to live seperastely...at least, you would have some peace and some mental room to devote to yourself an the kids....
He tries to white knuckle it. He's been to rehab, inpatient, outpatient, AA, many counselors. I just don't think it's in his heart to quit. Or he underestimates how difficult it is. I don't know if he's been evaluated for dual diagnosis. He's HORRIBLE with communication. Horrible. He's seems almost incapable of honest self-evaluation, or coming to terms with his issues. And he constantly sweeps things under the rug, as if those things are totally in the past and don't need to be thought of or worked through anymore.
I'm going to seek some counseling today and see what I can come up with. He's out of a job right now, so money is tight, so I'm not sure what I can do. I need it so bad right now though.
We are separated. We have been since last September, but really the "separation" has been more of he runs off to his place to drink, and is around our house and me and the kids when he's sober. So he's been easily able to lead 2 lives, and I guess it's been good for me in the sense that I don't have to see the drinking anymore. But after he recently lost his job, he's been living at home again, knowing how his apartment is just a hideaway, and I guess I had some hope since he lasted almost 2 months. His lease is up the end of this month though, and now I'm not sure what to do. There isn't money for him to have a place anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So he's been easily able to lead 2 lives, and I guess it's been good for me in the sense that I don't have to see the drinking anymore.
I know money is tight and I think it would be great for you to seek out some counseling. Also keep in mind al-anon is free! They ask for donations usually of $1.00 or $2.00 dollars and if you can’t swing it it’s never an issue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by atalose
Allowing him to move back home permanently you will have to come face to face with the drinking again. Then add the fact he’s not working, it’s not going to make for any kind of happy home for very long.
I know money is tight and I think it would be great for you to seek out some counseling. Also keep in mind al-anon is free! They ask for donations usually of $1.00 or $2.00 dollars and if you can’t swing it it’s never an issue.
I know money is tight and I think it would be great for you to seek out some counseling. Also keep in mind al-anon is free! They ask for donations usually of $1.00 or $2.00 dollars and if you can’t swing it it’s never an issue.
And today I will seek counseling. I keep saying I need it, but haven't done much, but I will today!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
Surviving...you might want to peruse this website.....
It is educational in nature...and, it is arranged by state....
It doesn't replace your lawyer, of course, but it does give good information on about every angle of divorce.....and it does give some good resources, also...
The more prepared and informed your are....the more confident you can be...
Knowledge is power....
You may be more afraid of the divorce process than you actually need to be. Fear is not, necessarily, fact.....
In many ways, you are already doing the hard part...and, living like a single parent (in many ways).....
I think that a counselor or therapist can help you break down and face whatever your fears are....
Surviving...you might want to peruse this website.....
It is educational in nature...and, it is arranged by state....
It doesn't replace your lawyer, of course, but it does give good information on about every angle of divorce.....and it does give some good resources, also...
The more prepared and informed your are....the more confident you can be...
Knowledge is power....
You may be more afraid of the divorce process than you actually need to be. Fear is not, necessarily, fact.....
In many ways, you are already doing the hard part...and, living like a single parent (in many ways).....
I think that a counselor or therapist can help you break down and face whatever your fears are....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
I am sorry he has broken your heart again, addicts continually do that, if we let them. I was one of those people who was waiting for the miracle. I wasted 34 years of my life, hanging on by a thread, because I loved my addict. I divorced, loving my addict. Almost 3 years post divorce my addict is till actively partying and miserable, I'm not.
I am grateful every day, that by the grace of God, I moved on. I have no idea what shape I would be in if I stayed longer. Take care of you and your kids, as they deserve a healthy mom. Mom's can't be 100 % when they are consumed by an addict.
Listen to your gut, don't let him back in. Maybe him homeless, jobless, family less, and in active addiction, he might seek help, but maybe not. Our addicts are very strong willed people. Hugs to you, you will make the best decisions for you and your kiddos.
I am sorry he has broken your heart again, addicts continually do that, if we let them. I was one of those people who was waiting for the miracle. I wasted 34 years of my life, hanging on by a thread, because I loved my addict. I divorced, loving my addict. Almost 3 years post divorce my addict is till actively partying and miserable, I'm not.
I am grateful every day, that by the grace of God, I moved on. I have no idea what shape I would be in if I stayed longer. Take care of you and your kids, as they deserve a healthy mom. Mom's can't be 100 % when they are consumed by an addict.
Listen to your gut, don't let him back in. Maybe him homeless, jobless, family less, and in active addiction, he might seek help, but maybe not. Our addicts are very strong willed people. Hugs to you, you will make the best decisions for you and your kiddos.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by dandylion
[You may be more afraid of the divorce process than you actually need to be. Fear is not, necessarily, fact.....
We just filed for divorce yesterday after a 3-1/2 year separation. When we left after signing the papers, we hugged each other and said we love each other.
I dreaded divorce for the entire time we have been separated. It was my biggest fear. The biggest part of that fear, was that my ex would lose health coverage. This is getting worked out too.
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