Michelle009

One of the major effects that drinking heavily had on me was that I would get angry. Not every time I drank by any stretch, and to varying degrees, but often enough that it was a clear pattern. In my truly bad moments I have:

- Driven my car across my front lawn
- Pulled my SO's hair
- Thrown beer bottles in my dining room
- Smashed a mug on my dining room floor

I'm sure there are others, but that's what I remember off the top of my head. Those are extreme examples, but many times it was just a slow burn of anger that I would eventually unleash onto someone - usually my SO or my ex-husband. I was just ANGRY. I'd find some topic that p*ssed me off and just spin it around in my alcohol soaked brain until I finally popped off.

I'm 28 days sober today. Yesterday, completely and 100% sober, I felt the same anger that I feel when I was drinking. My SO and I were sitting out by the pool. I was reading a book. The kids (7 and 9, one his and one mine) kept coming outside and being annoying. Nothing major, just tattling and bickering over snacks. It totally set me off. I just wanted to read my book in peace! They had had a fun busy morning. They have each other to play with, a play room full of toys, bikes, scooters, books, movies, etc. yet they can't just let us BE. I yelled, stormed into the house, slammed the door. I was SHAKING mad. But I don't know WHY. They're kids. I love them. They were being annoying, but it was hardly a huge problem.

I thought when I stopped drinking that the anger would dissipate. I thought the anger only existed due to my drinking. I'm realizing that the alcohol just added fuel to the flames of a fire that's always burning.

Now I have to discover the root of this problem and face it. I can't blame it on my drinking any more. I can't say I'm looking forward to that process.

Lava256

Wow.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't quite relate because I'm really good at controlling my anger when I'm sober. Another story when drunk.

I suppose the silver lining is that you have realized this and can now tackle the real problem. It's definitely hurting you and your whole family. I live with someone who cannot control his temper and trust me, it deeply affects everyone around you.

I wish you all the best and prayers to you.

Lava.

Bobbieka

One big thing that has helped me a lot is practicing mindfulness. There are books, websites, meditations all devoted to mindfulness. Mindful breathing, mindful meditations. I feel like a completely different person now. It took time but it also took work. Hugs.

kenton

Totally agree with Bobbieka, mindfulness is amazing.

Your thoughts and feelings of being annoyed when you wanted to read your book are completely understandable. We're all only human, we get irritated. However if those thoughts and feelings cause you to act in a way you don't like - that's how mindfulness can help. The thing with anger is to try to catch it before you start yelling and slamming doors and mindfulness teaches you how to do this. I'm still a mindfulness novice but I practice everyday and a couple of my kids love practicing with me. Two of my kids are the same age as yours ... maybe listen to a 10 minute meditation from YouTube with your kids? They'll probably giggle to begin with and not all my kids can stay still long enough to do it but the ones that can, they love it! I wish someone had introduced me to mindfulness when I was a kid. It really works. Good luck and don't beat yourself up about losing your temper, learn from it. And huge congrats on 28 days xx

MidnightRider

Congrats on your 28 days of sobriety.

We all get angry once in a while.

Perhaps, you can learn from this episode and Keep moving forward!!

August252015

In my humble opinion, stopping to drink is just the beginning. We then find out what was underneath our habit of drinking to [cope, escape, etc] and have to learn new reactions to , well, life.

My path is AA, accompanied by my faith work, a great psychiatrist, a regimen of meds, reading and studying to learn as much as I can about ways to be the best I can be....etc.

Lots of emotions came up for me as I worked the steps. Now, at 17+ months sober, the anger- the irritability- the anxiety- the escape/isolationism - all of these things that characterized my drinking and my early recovery are minimized, less extreme when they do happen, and I have learned how to manage "bad feelings" much more successfully. I am pretty even most days, am pretty good at what my fiance and I call "flipping it" (any situation, person, thing disturbing me) and just being- peaceable and happy.

I have put - keep putting- a LOT of effort into my recovery and it is the best investment I have ever made, in anything.

I hope you can find a program of action- AA or other- that begins to create a you that you are proud of, not angry with, and that you find a great life in recovery, too.

thomas11

Hi Michelle, first and foremost congrats on your nearly month of sobriety, its a great start. I will share what I can about my anger. I have anger issues, I know why they are there but I'm not comfortable sharing (I was not abused as a child, its from something else). I take medication. It changed my life. Having deep seeded anger is a curse, but I do think it can be managed. WIsh you the best.

2ndhandrose

Hi Michelle, congrats on 28 days!!!

I was a drunk rager and I, too, thought it would disappear once I stopped drinking.

But, I kept having episodes that left me feeling like the only thing missing was the alcohol. I felt horrible, emotional hangovers afterwards.

The good news is that the further along into recovery I went, the less angry I felt. I learned to stop being so reactive and more accepting of things out of my control. The stronger my sense of self grew, the less angry I felt.

28 days is fantastic, but it is very early days. Please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time to recover, to get to know yourself better. To love yourself. It is not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

Onward with patience

FreeOwl

I found therapy and counseling not based on alcohol or addiction but simply on my emotional well-being and on coping with life was a really powerful addition to my sobriety.

It turns out that - addiction or not - we are all human beings.

And it also turns out that Being Human comes along with complexity, emotion, trauma, frustration, paradoxical realities of everyday living... in short; it ain't easy.

Taking time and focus to understand ourselves, to unpack our emotional baggage and to let ourselves out into the light to work on growth is really a critical piece of being a whole human.

When we spent years dealing with all of that by numbing it, we can actually experience it all even more intensely when we take away the anesthesia.

Don't get too down on yourself. When I've blown up at my kids in sobriety, I've made a point to go back and apologize. To let them know that's not the Dad I am or want to be, that my frustration is valid but my response to and way of venting that frustration wasn't appropriate. That I'm sorry and that I'm taking steps to deal with my own frustration and emotion in healthier ways. I let them know, too, that sometimes it's human to blow up. Anger is a human emotion and even the blowing up is something that we needn't be ashamed of, but rather take as a sign that something within us is in need of tending to.... and taking steps to do so.

teatreeoil007

I'm kinda big into getting to the root cause[s] of things. I don't know if that always serves me well or not........

But anyway.....I think a lot of anger is caused by hurt/pain, and frustration.

But here's the deal with me : Even if I KNOW what is causing me to feel angry, it's still up to me to do the work of dealing with the anger in better ways.

What helps me: Outlets such as music, writing, physical activity. My house never got such good cleanings as when I was royally ticked off and started "banging the pots and pans". Mindfulness, sure.

Also, work on HEALING what is HURT or has been hurt. We carry a lot of left over pain from things that happen years and years ago. We stuff it down, because, you know, life happens and gets away from us.

But I personally believe the anger will come out in some fashion....sideways....depression....health issues....addiction....temper tantrums....explosions.....acting out.....

teatreeoil007

Now, if we all were just a little more like Spock and Data, this might not be such a problem. BUT: We're humans, dang it! We are emotional creatures.

applewakesup

The best thing for me regarding anger has been exercise. Not a little walk around the block. The kind of exercise where you really sweat, think you can't do it, etc. For me, it is long distance running or spin class. I have been doing this even before I got sober, and I can't imagine sobriety without hard exercise.

I find that pushing myself hard physically makes me just physically tired enough to mellow out and sleep well. It's worth a shot.

tomsteve

former rageaholic here and anger was one of the major things i wanted to address when i got sober.
the wild thing was i NEVER had it when things went my way.it ONLY happened when things didnt go my way.
i wanted what i wanted and when that didnt happen or people interfered and changed my plans- nuclear meltdown.
i was quite amazed how selfish and self centered i was.

"They have each other to play with, a play room full of toys, bikes, scooters, books, movies, etc. yet they can't just let us BE."

welcome to the world of being a parent. they are doing THEIR job.
yes, they have all that, but what about parents? are their parents present for them? are they there to listen and teach them? to join in THEIR fun?


why should they just let you BE? they are your children- they come to YOU for guidance,learning,understanding, teaching,and the number one thing- LOVE. love is an action.

michelle, its going to be a learning process. yes, alone time is good, but ya might want to schedule that at a more oppertune time. expecting to sit back and read a book by the pool while the youngens are home is pretty much setting up yourself for disappointment. they are kids- they are going to do what 7 and 9 year olds do because they are kids.
it might be wise to plan book reading time for when the youngens are in school or over a friends house.

Nonsensical

+1

You think the effects of alcohol are completely out of your body after 28 days, but they are not. Your brain will continue to overcompensate for your past persistent alcohol use for several months. One of the ways it overcompensates is to increase your anxiety levels.

Patience...

28 days Rocks!

AnvilheadII

100% sobriety guarantees exactly ONE thing - no more drunks, no more hangovers for being drunk.

a program of RECOVERY will help with everything else. ok, MOST everything else.

they say - what do you get a if you sober up a horse thief?
a sober horse thief.

you anger is deep and wide - you have taken your rage out on people, places and things. you have been violent towards others. that isn't going to just float away. you need to develop tools to manage your anger, as well as dig in and find out where the rage comes from. your kids didn't do anything wrong, they simply wanted time and attention from their parents. the ones who were sitting by the POOL....while they were expected to go off and entertain themselves.

Anna

This is exactly right. We need to remove the alcohol from our lives, but for me, there was a lot of work to do. And, it's hard, but it's worth it.