SoHurt2017

Hi Everyone,

I have found so much support and comfort on this site since I broke up with my high functioning alcoholic boyfriend about a month ago. Since my breakup, I have been struggling really hard to get over him. We were together for a solid year. I have been doing alot of reading and research about alcoholics and sociopaths and now I am wondering whether my ex boyfriend who is a high functioning alcoholic could as be a sociopath. I decided that our relationship was not going to work when he got so drunk one night, stayed out all night and slept out on the streets because he could not find his way back home. I was shocked at how easily he let me go. He never asked me to stay, never told me that he was willing to change, never showed me affection. It was just goodbye. He mailed me the rest of my stuff that I had left at his house two weeks later and that has been that. He has never made any attempt to contact me and reconcile and that has been so painful. I also have a strong feeling that he has already moved on to someone else and that hurts too. I am just wondering how someone who did the following:

bought me flowers, made me his girlfriend immediately when we met, called me everyday, visited me every couple of weeks, spent all holidays with me, took time off work to spend with me, went on regular trips with me, told me he loved me several times daily, showed me loads of affection both at home and in public, could not keep his hands of me (was very sexually attracted to me) every couple of days he wanted to make love, gave me lots of gifts, cards, did things around my house, made me a big part of his family, etc. etc.

How can a person like that just cut me off and erase me from his life like I never mattered? I am having a hard time processing this and it is really messing with my head. How can someone be such a heavy drinker and on the other end be "the perfect guy", then essentially just let you go without fighting for your love? In my heart I know I made the right decision to leave and I am not going to contact him again, but mann, my heart hurts so bad. Has anyone ever been through this?

honeypig

Common behavior for alcoholics, Sohurt. Read around on the forum and you'll see many, many cases the same as yours. I realize that probably doesn't make you feel a lot better right at this moment, but in time, if you keep working your own recovery, you will realize that his behavior has NOTHING to do w/you and EVERYTHING to do w/him.

I don't know that there is anything to be gained by trying to put a label like "sociopath" on him. To me, it just looks like garden-variety A behavior.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I'm glad you've ended things w/him. Now is the time to find support and education for yourself, here at SR as well as at a f2f resource such as Alanon. He brought his portion of dysfunction/addiction, and he's out of your life now. Time to deal w/the stuff you brought, so this doesn't happen to you again.

SoHurt2017

I don't know that there is anything to be gained by trying to put a label like "sociopath" on him. To me, it just looks like garden-variety A behavior.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I'm glad you've ended things w/him. Now is the time to find support and education for yourself, here at SR as well as at a f2f resource such as Alanon. He brought his portion of dysfunction/addiction, and he's out of your life now. Time to deal w/the stuff you brought, so this doesn't happen to you again.[/QUOTE]

Thank you honeypig. I just was not sure whether an alcoholic was capable of being so cold. I just haven't seen any remorse and I was wondering whether there were even deeper issues within him. But you are right, I need to keep working on myself and I have been trying so hard. It's just that every now and then I go through very tough moments that feel like I will never get out of this emotional trainwreck. I will keep working and trying hard. Again, thank you

Ariesagain

Have you read this?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ve-bomber.html

FallenAngelina

What appears to be a sudden change to you could have been months in the making. For whatever reason, he very well could have moved on in his mind long before he made it known to you. You have a strong feeling there is someone new, but how new? She could have come into his life quite a few months ago but she's only just now visible to you. That's pretty standard affair behavior, to hide everything about the other romance and when it all comes out, things look like "all of a sudden" to the cheated on partner.

I don't know if I'd jump to all kinds of drastic diagnoses and conclusions. It sounds like garden variety cheating mixed with alcoholism.

SoHurt2017

Hi Ariesagain,

Thank you so much for this. I just read it and I do believe he exhibited quite a few qualities of the love bomber with the endless affection. We were together for one year so he did not get to the point where he began to show aggression or possessiveness yet. What he did though I think, was play on my insecurities. In my past relationship, I had been constantly cheated on and I told this to my ex alcoholic boyfriend. After a few months he started to be very open with me about how beautiful he thought other women were and he would openly describe the physical attributes that he found attractive in other women. I found that disrespectful. He would say to me: "Honey you look like X celebrity and she is beautiful". At first I took it as a compliment but as he continued to do that often it started to bother me. Why couldn't he just look at me and say "honey you're beautiful". Period? Why was he constantly comparing me to other women? Once I challenged him about that he started calling me insecure and jealous and said that I was not secure with his love for me. But then, he would go right back to showing me pda and calls and messages and trips, etc. I suppose he did not like that so he cited it as a reason that we needed to end the relationship besides his huge drinking episode. I was so caught in his whirlwind of romance that I could not see clearly. I feel like such an idiot and I am beginning to wonder if he truly loved me. I know he was a high functioning alcoholic for sure but again, as i've read more and more I feel like he has even deeper issues.

SoHurt2017

Hi FallenAngelina. WOW. This could very well be true. I must really be stupid but he appeared to have done a really good job of hiding the relationship if that is really the case. We spent alot of time together, holidays, extended vacations, etc. I had access to the password of his phone and whenever we were together not a single call or text ever came through from another woman the entire year that I dated him. The only texts that ever came through were from his family and from colleagues at work. I never once saw him display any suspicious behavior like avoiding calls, not answering text messages, etc. But alot of times we could be completely oblivious. He always told me that he would never cheat on me and that that was not his nature, but who knows? I do not have any evidence but you could be completely right.

FallenAngelina

Well, not every affair is obvious in the typical ways or even visible and it's just a theory on my part. My aim isn't to have you go look for evidence because that will only hook you in deeper to him. My point is that he didn't necessarily change on a dime just because you saw a behavior change so quickly. I suppose we always want explanations when we break up, but you'll very likely never know the truth, no matter what has been going on with him. Whether he's a sociopath, a love bomber, really good at hiding his cheating, really good at hiding his feelings or just another alcoholic with erratic behavior, you're still better off apart from him after only a year in. Now you see that no matter the reason, he is unstable and not a good long term bet. All of us learn the hard way to appreciate the good ones when they come along, so don't feel that you've wasted time or that you're an idiot. You'll appreciate a solid man all the more when you're ready to date again.


High functioning is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of person. It's important to know this because alcoholism is progressive. A high functioning alcoholic today is a sad, sad story in the years to come.

SoHurt2017

Such wisdom. Thank you so much FallenAngelina

tomsteve

seems the ONLY thing that gets looked at is the actions.
look at the thinkin of a so called high functioning alkie and its usually closer to no functioning.
even with the actions, it seems most actions revolve around alcohol.

SoHurt2017

That is so true TomSteve. I remember having specific conversations with him and often wondered: "Are you serious? That's your trend of thought? Or, that's the depth and scope of your thinking?" There were some things that he said at times that I just couldn't wrap my head around. So yes, I always looked at his actions and thought... Wow!, he maintains his house, holds a great job, has all of his material things almost immaculately in order, pays his bills on time etc. But at times, when I listened to him speak I've had some "What the heck did you just say?" moments. I've seen some people say on here that we may not like even our partner once he/she gets sober. Aww well It doesn't matter now anyway because it is best that we are over.

SoHurt2017

I really do not want to be just trashing my ex here. I truly hate that his problem with alcohol has brought me here. He has some very wonderful qualities that honestly set him apart from many men and I do wish him well. However, he still hurt me or I guess I've allowed him to hurt me and I am very thankful for the support that I have received from all of you here.

dandylion

SoHurt....Look at it this way---you are so ahead of the game by just the fact that you have come to the conclusion that he is "not the one for you".
Some of us invested much longer than one year to receive that information..
Like Fallen Angelina said---you have learned a lot....and, life lessons are worth gold.....
We are all capable of falling for someone who may be attractive, but are just "not the one for us" for whatever reason.....so, don't beat yourself up....
Go forward with your life....you will get past this, in due time.....

SoHurt2017

Thank you very much dandylion

FallenAngelina

Most of us are here because we love an alcoholic. We get it.

NYCDoglvr

Ditto: you're describing typical addict behavior. Alcoholics have a compulsion to drink (not for other people) and make booze their God, higher power, great loves of their life. They seek enablers and once you stop being one, are easily discarded. You can spend 24/7 trying to figure them out, come up with labels, and in the end it is alcoholism.

Shutterbug1

Good for you getting out after a year! Unfortunately, it took me 10

Maybe it's a good thing he's not contacted you. My ex bothered me for several years after I broke up with him. An awful experience I would wish on no one.

My life is SO much better, calmer, and freer than it was when I was consumed by my ex. I know yours will be too.

Stay strong and focus on yourself, give yourself the time and space, away from the drama, to heal. You will get though this! This is a great place for support

SaveYourHeart

I don't know, if calling him a sociopath makes you feel better, it doesn't hurt my feelings My AH is a sociopath and it's hard as hell to deal with him. I know it hurts, but I'm so happy for you that you're not in that relationship anymore. He's a jerk and he doesn't deserve you

SoHurt2017

Hi Shutterbug and SaveYourHeart,

Thank you so much for your support and advice. I am beyond grateful for the wisdom and compassion that I am receiving from everyone here. This is my first experience with an alcoholic and I am doing my best to work through the pain and get my life back on track. I guess I really dodged a bullet as I have been told by just about all of you, due to the fact that I was only with him for one year and that I did not marry him or have any children with him.

Well this morning he called to tell me that a mutual friend of ours had passed away. The conversation was decent, cordial and respectful. Toward the end of the conversation he told me that I should look out in the mail for a couple of shirts and sunglasses that he bought me and my son. I'm just wondering what his motive could be? I thanked him and told him that I would send him a text message to let him know once I received the package. SaveYourHeart, trust me, it doesn't make me feel good to label him at all. I have a very analytical/over analytical mind and I was wondering whether the fact that he gave me all of this intense love in the year I dated him, then discarded me because I would not put up with his drinking made him some sort of sociopath? But it doesn't matter. At the end of the day he is an alcoholic who needs help, and who refuses to get help and he is no good for me and my son. In the meantime, I am just working on myself and trying to get my mind back where it was before I met him. Again, I cannot thank you all enough.

SaveYourHeart

Have you tried al-anon? It really helped me.