Trying to figure out a new element

Old 08-05-2017, 03:23 PM
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Trying to figure out a new element

I've just had a curve ball in the ongoing parenting issues with ex and am trying to figure out how I feel about this. I know I should not be focusing on HIM and what HE DOES, but I'm working through my own feelings, so my actions won't be too clouded by emotion.

Here it is - apparently ex is in the process of transitioning to live as a woman. I had noticed that he had started wearing nail polish and feminine-looking jewellery at the last few exchanges but didn't think much of it (other than midlife-crisis fashion experimentation). However, friend-of-friend told me ex has said he considers himself a transgendered woman, and this was confirmed by a couple of sources.

I should pause to say I have no issues whatsoever with transgender. I have trans friends and coworkers, and my dearest friend's daughter came out as her son a few months ago. Trans identity in and of itself strikes me as neutral, neither a good thing nor a bad thing. And if trans people are able to live more authentically by changing their gender presentation, that's all to the good.

Nonetheless, this twist takes me completely by surprise. I was with ex for 25 years without a hint that he wanted to live as or explore being a woman. There's no part of me thinking "ah, okay, I should have seen that coming". Apparently the new meth girlfriend is on board with her boyfriend becoming her girlfriend.

I should also note that ex has not said anything about this to me directly - this is all coming from other sources. He has told people in his workplace that he plans to return to work as a woman (if he returns to work at all). I have no idea what he's told Kid, but given his tendency to overshare I'm sure she's picked something up. (And she's bound to notice that her father wears more jewellery and makeup than her mother).

Alcoholism doesn't cause transgender or vice versa, but it still strikes me as alarming that ex may be embarking on this huge process while still actively drinking. There's nothing I can do about it, and he has the right to live as a woman if he wants to, but I'm also thinking "this could be another train wreck". I don't mean a train wreck because trans people are train wrecks (I have personal experience that tells me otherwise), I mean a train wreck because this is a huge, seemingly out-of-the-blue life change for someone whose ability to manage change and stress is not high.

Plus of course - what's wrong with me that I was married to someone who was not who I thought he was in terms of gender as well as in terms of addiction and substance use, and I didn't even notice?
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Old 08-05-2017, 03:38 PM
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Wow, Sasha, you certainly do have some interesting issues come up.

I can relate to how you must be feeling. I think I'd be feeling the same way. Is this one of those "big changes" they suggest avoiding during early sobriety? Of course, that's a moot point because your ex isn't sober--he's still a total mess in the addiction department.

I'd suggest just trying to divorce the trans issue from everything else, since he's such a mess otherwise. If he were sober, he could be a good parent regardless of gender, but by the same token, as a drunk his parenting will suck regardless of gender. I think if I were you, I'd just keep a laser-like focus on the drinking and associated behavior and risk.

And I don't think it's something that would necessarily be obvious even in retrospect to a former spouse. Many trans people go to great lengths trying to fit in before deciding they can't or no longer want to.
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Old 08-05-2017, 03:50 PM
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well - that's a new one!? ya just can't make this stuff up.

is it authentic? we could speculate but we'd have to be IN his head....and that's not a good place. it does seem rather SUDDEN, like in the last week?? a person who is struggling with gender identity had done so for a long long long time, and this is probably best explored with a qualified therapist. but it doesn't usually wait until later in life to express.....one may "hide" their sexual preference but a true gender identity 'crisis/conflict' would have expressed itself in some ways. it would not have gone unnoticed.

so why would someone "pretend" to be cross gender? you'd have to be pretty scrambled eggs mentally........i'm thinking drugs, like meth or crack. when i was on crack, my mind went to a LOT of strange places. sick, twisted, sexual based stuff. so i know the mind can go to some dark or just plain freaky places.

i'm sorry for your kiddo. if it were TRUE that her father is having a true gender identity shift or change, that's tough enough for a child, but is manageable. but if this is just one display of a truly defective person, she really has no "process" to grab on to.

let's see where this is in a week or a month.

don't put any of this on YOU. like you should have known. you aren't dealing with a normal person, but a very messed up person.
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Old 08-05-2017, 04:06 PM
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Wow. Given your ex's history, it wouldn't surprise me if this is some kind of tactic...like maybe he thinks this will garner him some kind of protection with regard to his "rights" or he will be viewed more sympathetically by the courts if he's going through this major transition. Maybe he thinks his addiction problem will be given a pass or overlooked.

Maybe it's real. Dunno. He's still going to be a person with some severe mental health issues and a drug addiction, man or woman.

Regardless, the only thing that matters here is how it affects your daughter. Have you been able to communicate with her counselor? Because this is another huge change for your daughter to process.

We have an expression in my house, which is a quote from Dorothy Parker...whenever we hear a text or email come in...or the phone rings, one of us intones, "oh what fresh hell is this?"

Kinda works in your world these days, yes?

Sending you a hug.
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Old 08-06-2017, 12:22 AM
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Not that I have any issues with authentic gender identity, I don't, but me thinks "something" might be mething with his head!
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Old 08-06-2017, 12:18 PM
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I wouldn't bother spending any bandwidth on trying to figure out if his gender transition is legitimate or not. Either way, switching genders does not give you a ticket to become an irresponsible parent.

An acquaintance of mine underwent a gender transition. I attended her wedding when she identified as male. She had pursued her now ex-wife for a fricking YEAR before ex-wife said yes to dating her. Like Lexie said, many trans people go through extreme efforts to extinguish the voice that tells them that action is required.

Concentrate on your daughter, and you will be good.
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Old 08-06-2017, 02:33 PM
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Thanks all. I'm a bit worried about this transgender thing generating sympathy for him - poor him, living a lie, no wonder he drank because he was miserable. But if he's drinking he can't be a safe parent, no matter what gender he identifies with. (It might make the argument for sole custody as a "period of transition" stronger - give ex the time he needs to stabilize various aspects of his life, which may now include gender identity along with finances, mental and physical health, addiction, etc).

If the makeup and jewellery is part of a transition to a happier and less troubled self, that's a good thing. But if it's another manifestation of flailing around and indulging in extreme behavior, like the overspending and the binges and the meth girlfriend, that's a bad thing because it exposes Kid to more of her father's decline. Who knows which it is? I will just have to continue being stable and there-when-you-need-me for Kid.

This was really one of life's WTF? moments.
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Old 08-06-2017, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
(It might make the argument for sole custody as a "period of transition" stronger - give ex the time he needs to stabilize various aspects of his life, which may now include gender identity along with finances, mental and physical health, addiction, etc).
I think I'd avoid making that argument. If the court does it on its own, that's one thing, but you certainly don't want to give the appearance of assuming he's "unstable" by virtue of the alleged gender identity issue. Believe me, he will jump at the first opportunity to accuse you of bias, of tainting his relationship with his child because of the gender issue, yada yada. That's why I was suggesting you simply keep the focus on the drinking and behavior issues. If he claims that his gender identity issues have caused his drinking, I'd just respond that you hope that's the case and will look forward to his being in a position to spend more time with your child once the drinking issue has been addressed. Keep the ball in his court, IOW.
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Old 08-06-2017, 07:06 PM
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Thanks Lexie. That makes sense. I can definitely see ex taking the position that he's being persecuted because of his gender identity and is the victim of discrimination, and making that into the central issue, rather than his drinking. I'll ignore the gender transition thing in custody discussions unless ex brings it up.

I don't know what he's told Kid - and I'm reluctant to just open a conversation with her with "so, I see your dad's wearing makeup now, wanna talk about it?". I'm guessing that for a twelve-year-old, talking about anything related to a parent's sexuality or gender would just be too awkward for words.
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Old 08-06-2017, 09:48 PM
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Wow... just wow...

Whether this whole transgender thing is genuine or some kind of ploy doesn't matter. What matters is it is distracting you from what is important: a) Kid and b) preparing for this arbitration thing you have coming up.

As much as I know how confounding this must be and nearly possible to ignore, that is what I would suggest: to ignore it.
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Old 08-08-2017, 12:41 PM
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Goodness. It's one thing after the next isn't it?

Just sending a big hug to you and your child. Stay the course!!!
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Old 08-08-2017, 01:20 PM
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As we say around here……………more will be revealed. I think for now just be there for your daughter should she need a (listening ear) if she has the need to vent/talk about her own feelings regarding this.
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Old 08-08-2017, 02:04 PM
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Yes, I don't see any point in adding to the drama by pushing Kid to share her feelings with me about this development. She's already very protective of her father and his issues, so I'm not going to put her in a position any more awkward than the one she's already in. And officially I "don't know" about this, although ex has apparently been telling his boss (on leave from work) and his friends (who then tell me). This is not unlike addiction itself - a secret that's not really a secret, with plenty of intrigue about who "knows" and who "isn't supposed to know". Continuing to move agonizingly slowly towards a resolution of custody ...
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