BF currently 6 days into constant bingeing - what do I do?

Old 08-03-2017, 09:11 AM
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BF currently 6 days into constant bingeing - what do I do?

Hello, I'm here because I am at a total loss about where to turn or where to get advice. Sorry in advance for the length...

I have been with someone for the last 3 months who suffers from social anxiety and depression. Over time it has become apparent to me that his drinking isn't healthy and that he is self-medicating his depression with alcohol. I've noticed wine bottles in his room from evenings I know he's been home alone, sometimes he doesn't remember conversations we've had and he needs a lot of alcohol to cope with any social interaction. He has also told me in the past that he 'has a problem with alcohol' and that he used to just binge for days, not go to work and isolate himself by sitting in his room drinking until he'd pass out and then carry on the next day. Whilst that worried me I thought that because he was in therapy, as he felt better in himself, that the alcohol would become less of an issue - I know how much of an idiot I must sound right now.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me because he's 6 days into a binge and I have no idea what to do. On Sunday night he called me threatening suicide, I rushed over and he was passed out. He woke up and kept on drinking whilst we spoke. He fell asleep and woke up at 3am and had more beer, fell back asleep and then carried on drinking in the morning. I naively believed he was going to be fine after hours of him telling me he would be - 'I don't need monitoring, I'm going to just recover quietly by myself, its under control' - and left. That was Monday and he's still there, still drinking, still hating every fibre of his being.

The goalposts move every day. He promises tomorrow he'll go back to work, tomorrow I'm going to sort this out etc etc and not having seen this before I spent days believing him, trying to support him and listen to him. He swings between defensiveness and pushing me away saying things like 'this is just who I am and you don't understand' to apologies and 'I know its bad but its just 'a phase''. He has a therapist for his depression but she is on holiday, he lives in a shared house with (nice) strangers and his family aren't fully aware of whats going on. His dad is also an A so that complicates their ability to help him. I am the only person he is talking to and I am exhausted and overwhelmed. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well and whilst I have been in a good place for some time I know that I am not robust enough for this.

I think I've done all the things you aren't supposed to do - I've tried reasoning, I've said how its made me feel, I've gotten angry. I'm worried I'm making things worse not better. I feel trapped, as if I might as well be in that room with him because it feels like nothing else matters until he pulls himself out of this. I feel like I'm willing hours to pass because it is another day over and hopefully another day closer to this ending.

At this point, whilst I really care a great deal about this guy - I'm crazy about him - I also know this is dangerous territory for me. I have strong tendency to need to help and heal and I have lost myself entirely in a narcissistic relationship in the past. I'm worried about my capacity to handle this and so ultimately think I will have to step away. I'm scared to do that now whilst there is no one else there fore him. He's currently ignoring my messages (see: I did the wrong thing and got angry. I have apologised) which on the one hand is almost a relief, on the other its really concerning.

How long do binges like this last? I've only read about withdrawal as an issue since coming on here and now I'm terrified of him being seriously unwell alone. I have 1001 worries and questions I haven't stopped feeling panicked since Sunday. I've never dealt with this before and I don't know what to do to help him but protect myself.

Any help or advice will be so appreciated
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Old 08-03-2017, 09:50 AM
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I've never dealt with this before and I don't know what to do to help him but protect myself.
Lucky for you, the same thing will both help him AND protect you--get out of the relationship and away from him, totally and ASAP. Presumably if he is able to get alcohol to continue his binge, he is not totally without resources. If he threatens suicide again, call 911 and direct them to his house--they are professionals, you are not. If he turns out to be serious, they will know how to handle it. If he is NOT serious, they will know how to handle that too.

You are only 3 months into this, and there is nothing to keep you there except your own "need to be needed", which it seems you are aware of already. One of the things that is often discussed on this board is how dating is a time to see what someone's like and how we get along with him/her. Is this what you want to sign up for over the long term, especially when you consider that this is the BEST he will ever be? (Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and he WILL get worse as time goes on.)

Please, read around this forum as much as you can. Educating yourself about alcoholism will do so much towards helping you decide what to do. I'd also strongly recommend checking out Alanon for some f2f support for yourself. Both Alanon and SR can also help you get in touch w/that part of you that wants to "help" and "rescue" and make sure that you use those impulses in a healthy way.

Welcome to SR.
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Old 08-03-2017, 09:59 AM
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It sounds like his alcoholism started well before you came along, and likely will continue well on once you're gone.
When it comes to addiction, there is nothing anyone can do to help them unless they truly want it themselves and take the actions to make it happen.
On the plus side, you are only 3 months in so stepping away now shouldn't be too difficult. You for sure don't want to get yourself sucked into this type of relationship.
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Old 08-03-2017, 10:34 AM
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first off, welcome!
2nd,you are not dumb!
but what i think you truly are is quite sick, and this lil bit here says a LOT:
"At this point, whilst I really care a great deal about this guy - I'm crazy about him - I also know this is dangerous territory for me. I have strong tendency to need to help and heal and I have lost myself entirely in a narcissistic relationship in the past. I'm worried about my capacity to handle this and so ultimately think I will have to step away. I'm scared to do that now whilst there is no one else there fore him. "

reads like untreated codependency,being show it reads like youve jumped from trying to save one person tot he next.
which there IS a solution for.

im not sure what " I'm crazy about him " means here, but it reads like youre crazy as insane and not crazy as in love. it reads like youre completely wrapped up in trying to rescue someone( again?) that doesnt want to rescue themselves.
and possible to try and avoid your own issues?

youre worried about YOUR capacity to handle this- welp, imma thinkin if you look at the facts of the last 3 months( youre crazy in love after 3 months?) you dont have the capacity nor the ability to handle him nor is it your responsibility.

doesnt matter if theres an army there for an alcoholic or addict- until THEY want to get clean/sober, that army cant to squat except sink down with the alcoholic/addict.
even when an addict/alcoholic- like myself- wants to get clean/sober, the help is best to come from someone that has been in their shoes.
witch, its been 3 months. how much longer do you want to spend losing yourself? it reads like youve lost yourself quite bad here and you dont deserve it.
and TRYING to rescue someone doesnt appear to be helping find yourself. im thinkin theres the possibility that youre doing that to avoid underlying issues- ones that WONT go away no matter how hard you try to resue someone.

PLEASE take any and all advise given from these awesome people here and run with it. they have been in your shoes.

p.s.
if this is an adult, hes responsible for himself. NOTHING you do will help him.
and hes lived without you up until 3 months ago. what happens after is up to him and not your responsibility
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Old 08-03-2017, 10:35 AM
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I also know this is dangerous territory for me. I have strong tendency to need to help and heal and I have lost myself entirely in a narcissistic relationship in the past. I'm worried about my capacity to handle this and so ultimately think I will have to step away. I'm scared to do that now whilst there is no one else there fore him.
So before you came along who was “there for him” who was his care taker before you and what happened to them?

Maybe you are not currently getting lost in a narcissistic relationship again but you are getting lost in a codependent one.
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Old 08-03-2017, 10:36 AM
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it's only been THREE months. get out and be done with this insanity. his problems long preceded you and it was never your JOB to try and fix them he's a mess, and he's showing you exactly what you are in for if you stay and think you can somehow make a difference.

YOU CANNOT.

the next time anyone threatens suicide, do not race over yourself, call 911, let the professionals handle it.
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Old 08-03-2017, 11:17 AM
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Yep, can relate on every level. I agree with the above to GET OUT. I started dating my BF and 6 months into the relationship he had his first "binge". I knew at this point he was an alcoholic, but was going to meetings and had it under control from what I could see. I knew nothing about addiction either. Then 6 months later I was blindsided and he disappeared. I had no idea this was a normal thing for him to vanish for days at a time and drink himself silly alone in his room. The thing is, is that I didn't understand and I was naive and only 6 months in I decided to stay. That was the worst mistake I ever made. I had every reason in the world to leave (there were other reasons beside the drinking too), but I stayed. And guess what? It happened again every several weeks at a time. So basically what was one binge 6 months in with him, turned into another 9 months in, then another 11 months in, then another....and another....and over two years later not a single thing has changed. Not. ONE. THING.
3 months is super short to be in a relationship. If you left today you would be over him and the experience before you know it. If you stay, stick around and read through my threads and tell me if you think your anxiety and depression could withstand that. I know right now you feel like you are in love and that you love him, but this is so much bigger than you what he is dealing with. And when he comes out of this binge, it will happen over and over and over again. You will be looking forward to a life with police visits, ambulance rides, fights, lying to friends and family, looking for him all over town in the middle of the night, throwing away bedding and furniture he destroys because alcoholics can't hold their liquor in the physical sense either, dealing with consistent unemployment since he likely won't be able to keep a job, and flushing away all your years in trying to help a futile cause. He will not ever get better until HE decides. I have done everything in the book to help my BF. I have manipulated, threatened, gave ultimatums, it doesn't matter. When they are gonna drink, NOTHING you can do will stop them.

I know I'm preaching to the choir but if I can save anyone else from the mistakes I have made, it is worth it. Like I said, read through some of my threads. Nothing int he world is worse than wondering every day if they are dead or alive. it does a number on your emotions. I know that feeling too well of being there mid-binge and wondering how long they can go and praying every day that they are "done". but even when they are...it's just they are done for now. It will keep on going....
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Old 08-03-2017, 11:20 AM
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And yes, agree with the suicide threats. don't race over there.....send ambulance. Sometimes it's just drunken ranting - my BF would do that and start crying, the moment I called the ambulance guess what? He stopped real quick. I'm not saying he wasn't serious, but addicts are notorious for that kind of behavior. They are like small children who want you to leave them alone, but not really....
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
what i think you truly are is quite sick,
Possibly I've used clumsy language, as I say I am at a total loss and reaching out. 'Crazy about him' is just a turn of phrase and perhaps the wrong one. But I don't think it helps to label me as 'sick' when I've told you I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am aware of my limitations and how untenable this relationship is and perhaps I didn't make that clear enough. I intend on getting out of it. This has happened so quickly that I'm just working out how to feel and how to negotiate this as compassionately as possible. Perhaps your point is that, that isn't possible, I have no experience here and I defer to yours. However, calling me 'sick' on the basis of a nervously typed and desperate post feels hysterical. I've never seen anyone self-sabotage like this before. I'm not sick, what I am is worried for someone I have come to care for and sad that I have to walk away from a connection I have forged with someone.

How do I remove myself from this kindly? Without worsening this situation? Do I wait until he finds his way back - I am I naive to think we deserve a sober conversation bout this - or do I just leave now? The latter means sending an email to someone in a really bad place (he won't let me see him right now). Do I say 'I can't be there for you whilst this is happening, get in touch when you feel better' and then have the discussion about why I have to say goodbye when he is more robust? Practical advice about extracting myself in the least harmful way would be really helpful.
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:42 PM
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Three months? IMHO throw that one back and walk away. Good luck to you.
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:43 PM
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it's only been three months - you don't really need to ritualize, formalize and compassionately deliver your Farewell speech. take the drinking out of it, it just ain't working out. learn to escape short term relationships quickly and efficiently. it's very healthy. dragging out the drama......not so much.

and while i am not suggesting tit for tat, you think he gives a rats azz what you are going thru right now?
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Old 08-03-2017, 02:55 PM
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witchx.....we are not usually told (warned) that the usual ways of dealing with relationships...with normal, stabilized, reasonable people....are turned topsy turvy with addicts and alcoholics.
The dating period is to determine who would be a good fit for you....

It is o.k. to decide to end it....whether he agrees with your decision or not.
Your welfare is your first responsibility.....
You have every right to just end it. You don't have to go a step further....
His life...his decisions, and their consequences are his responsibility.....

I suggest that you send him a message (write a letter, if you must)....and simply say that this is not working for you...it is not a good fit...and, you wish him the best.

Anything further with him is inviting a world of pain and hurt into your future, I think.....
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Old 08-03-2017, 03:40 PM
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have you ever successfully extricated yourself from a telemarketer call? you know where you didn't buy light bulbs, roof gutters, sponsor the policemen's ball or a gym membership? did you notice that the longer you kept TALKING, the longer they kept up their sales pitch? and that no matter what reason you gave, they would come back with a response? (oh it's your mother's funeral tomorrow, well even better reason that we close the deal now, don't you think? one less thing to worry about!). and finally about the only thing left to do is one or two things:

1) tell'em to FOAD
and/or
2) hang up

trying to leave a short term relationship with an alcoholic can be a lot like that. THEY don't want YOU to be the one who leaves, because it threatens to expose the drinking problem - the one that doesn't exist. if they can get YOU to come BACK, then Wah Lah, there is no problem. and they will pull out all the stops to get you to concede, give in, give them another chance.

they will make the Alcoholic Oath - variations not withstanding:

I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It Will Never Happen Again

this may or may not include a hand raised for a solemn oath.
there may be promises of all sorts - they will get better, they will get help, they will, they will, they will...........they will not yet have actually DONE anything, i mean no reason to RUSH things.
they may say they can't do this without you.
they can't LIVE without you.
that you mean everything.
they've never met anyone like you, they know you are the one.
they know they need to moderate their drinking, that's all.
on and on and on. talk talk talk.

and none of it will matter. not once they get you to come back.

see you aren't the first one- you are just the next one.
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Old 08-03-2017, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by witchx27 View Post
Hello, I'm here because I am at a total loss about where to turn or where to get advice.

...

I have been with someone for the last 3 months who suffers from social anxiety and depression.

...

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me because he's 6 days into a binge and I have no idea what to do. On Sunday night he called me threatening suicide, I rushed over and he was passed out. He woke up and kept on drinking whilst we spoke. He fell asleep and woke up at 3am and had more beer, fell back asleep and then carried on drinking in the morning. I naively believed he was going to be fine after hours of him telling me he would be - 'I don't need monitoring, I'm going to just recover quietly by myself, its under control' - and left. That was Monday and he's still there, still drinking, still hating every fibre of his being.

...

I think I've done all the things you aren't supposed to do - I've tried reasoning, I've said how its made me feel, I've gotten angry. I'm worried I'm making things worse not better. I feel trapped, as if I might as well be in that room with him because it feels like nothing else matters until he pulls himself out of this. I feel like I'm willing hours to pass because it is another day over and hopefully another day closer to this ending.

...

At this point, whilst I really care a great deal about this guy - I'm crazy about him -
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're telling many parts of my own story, wrapped up in a shorter time frame.

Things I found that helped me...

1 - Walking out. Walking away.

2 - Calling others to hand him over to since I was truly afraid for his safety and sanity: police, AA members, mental health departments

They were able to help in ways I never could. And... he still drank until he finally didn't. All the help from professionals along the way did help, but it couldn't get him to stop drinking. That was his choice that took a very long time to come.

I tried doing the second step above before the first and that never, ever worked out. I had to get out of the way first and then hand it over to others before things started to change for me and my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.

Alanon, prayer, connecting with my inner self, therapists, etc. help me heal, but getting away PHYSICALLY from this family disease of alcoholism was absolutely necessary for my healing.

(((((Hugs))))
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Old 08-03-2017, 04:42 PM
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Great advice above, but one thing to add is that there is NOTHING wrong with feeling terrible because it's "only been 3 months". You are getting a lot of that here and nobody means to diminish the hope and excitement and promise that you thought you had in this new relationship. It can feel pretty rotten when you think you just started something beautiful and amazing only for the rug to be pulled out from under and reveal what feels like yet another disappointment. Saying goodbye to something that felt like it had so much potential. The thing is, is that there are a lot of people on SR who have gone through the hell you are (for decades!) only getting a tiny taste of right now. Everyone advising you to walk away is doing so because we have been there. Seen the worst of it. We know how this story ends and if one person can be saved from the horrific moments that you will no doubt be embarking on if you stick around to find out, it will be worth the urging. 3 months is yes, a lot to date someone and develop real feelings for, nobody is saying that it doesn't mean less because you haven't been in the relationship very long, but they are saying that you are soooo early in this relationship that simply cutting ties and walking away and tending to your own life, is much easier to do this early on. You stay a bit more, you start to take on more that in years from now, will likely not change. Better to put your chips on the fact that what you are dealing with today is just a sneak peek of what your future looks like if staying
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Old 08-03-2017, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
they may say they can't do this without you.
they can't LIVE without you.
that you mean everything.
they've never met anyone like you, they know you are the one.
they know they need to moderate their drinking, that's all.
on and on and on. talk talk talk.
AnvilheadII - thank you so much for this. Its really struck a cord. There has been a lot of 'you are perfect' 'I think I might love you' etc since he started bingeing. Obviously they mean very little from someone under the influence and I haven't taken them seriously.

I think what my personal struggle here is that I can feel the codependent part of me screaming to be let out, to 'fix' and to get all the nourishing self-worth from being in this relationship. Meanwhile 2 years of therapy has introduced a voice that is being pretty stern about not going any further into this for the sake of my own survival. I am ashamed to say my core wants 'therapy voice' to FO and let me have this. I know I can't and I won't continue, but it feels like a battle of wills right now and its paralysing. All this whilst my therapist is out of town for a month!

Each day since it began though I have been hardening my resolve. I've moved though 'this is a wobble, no biggie' to 'okay, lets get him through this, then 'get support and it'll be okay' to 'I'm scared, what would my future look like with this guy' to 'you cannot fall any deeper into this, you have to get out'. I just need to do jump the last hurdle but I'm not going to beat myself up for not running at it full speed, I'm battling some ingrained core beliefs to do it, its okay if I jog.

Thank you for your advice, its given me a good idea of what to expect back and what the pitfalls are.
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Old 08-03-2017, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 View Post
Great advice above, but one thing to add is that there is NOTHING wrong with feeling terrible because it's "only been 3 months". ... It can feel pretty rotten when you think you just started something beautiful and amazing only for the rug to be pulled out from under and reveal what feels like yet another disappointment. Saying goodbye to something that felt like it had so much potential.
Thank you Smarie78 you've voiced exactly what I was struggling to articulate

I hear everyone loud and clear on the 'this is just the beginning' and I am so grateful to you all for sharing your experiences with me, I'm just sorry anyone has gone/is going through this. I'm blown away by the support here and I feel so much more informed and certain about what I have to do.
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Old 08-03-2017, 05:23 PM
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Even though your in this situation and its painful and confusing. YOU sound like you are thinking about it very rationally as you are acknowledging its triggering you and feels unhealthy. I dont think you need to feel guilty about that because its a healthy response in my opinion.

I also understand you are worried, and feel like you are the one who he is reaching out to right now. There is nothing wrong with being upset or worried about someone who is in this situation. It makes you compassionate. But knowing that you have to preserve your own sanity, health, emotions, and plans for your life - is really crucial. I lost myself for a while when I went through this with my husband.

When my husband was binging it was very hard, sometimes impossible to really talk to him because his thinking was so warped. I think in the case of a suicide threat its best to call 911.

Basically from what you posted, it looks like his pattern is to binge for days. He apparently did seek help at one point, has a therapist, and Im assuming a Dr. So, he has their support if he reaches out for it.

This is just another thing I will throw out there.. I have had mixed success with this one.. if you know his family, or any of his close friends, and think they might be a support or encouragement to him then contact them. It will be their choice in deciding what kind of involvement they have at that point. They can always choose not to get involved if they so desire.

I contacted my husbands family and it was pretty much a mess because they do not interact well with him, and basically always make things worse. However much later I reached out to my family, and they became the greatest support for both of us.

Dont feel guilty for stepping back during this binge, or for deciding you need to leave the relationship if that ends up being your decision.
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Old 08-03-2017, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
if you know his family, or any of his close friends, and think they might be a support or encouragement to him then contact them.
Thank you aliciagr - I have been wondering about this. Unfortunately, his social anxiety means it has been hard to maintain friendships and he hasn't really got anyone like that.

I don't know his family as we hadn't really gotten to that point before this all happened. I know his mum and sister on FB and I could message them. They know about me and they also saw him on Monday and realised he was drunk and hadn't been to work. I don't know how much he told them or if he's told them since he's fine and at work etc. They are aware of his depression/anxiety and must be aware of his drinking?! I think the only complication is that his dad is an alcoholic and perhaps there is less willingness for everyone in his family to acknowledge whats happening with BF because it would also expose his dad (it seems to be an accepted/unspoken thing in their family that his dad is a high-functioning alcoholic).

I think I am going to make a decision about whether or not to contact them based on his reaction to my stepping away. If he says anything really concerning I don't think I'll have a choice.
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Old 08-03-2017, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by witchx27 View Post
AnvilheadII - thank you so much for this. Its really struck a cord. There has been a lot of 'you are perfect' 'I think I might love you' etc since he started bingeing. Obviously they mean very little from someone under the influence and I haven't taken them seriously.
.
actually, those words can mean alot. ive said it because they would allow my behavior and take care of me before,during,and after a drunk. that made them perfect.
im sorry you took offense to saying youre sick.
i was referring to the untreated codependency. i was pretty sick myself at one time.
i also have depression, which is being treated accordingly.
imo,"sick" isnt a label.
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