New here...not sure how to proceed.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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New here...not sure how to proceed.
Hi everyone. I have lurked and read similar posts from others, but now I am seeking input from those with experience. This is going to be long...
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years. He is former military, and he drank a lot when he was in the Marine Corps. He got out 4.5 years ago and moved cross country for school, and to be with me. He has always drank more than I have been comfortable with, but I don't really drink, and have had a number of alcoholic friends whose pain and struggle I have witnessed firsthand, so I have a pretty low threshold. I don't even like it when my friends or family get tipsy in social settings.
He has always loved to drink beer with his friends, or at night with dinner, but within the last year or so, he has started drinking bourbon. He became fascinated with all of the rare and hard to find bourbons, and would drive all over town to look for them. He joined a bourbon Facebook group, and started collecting it and drinking it every night. When he gets home from work, he will usually crack open a beer, he might have another one with dinner, and then 2 or 3 or more (I go to bed, so I don't really know) one ounce pours of bourbon.
Over time, it seems that he is drinking more and more. I raised the subject with him a few months ago, and he got extremely defensive, claiming he only drinks it because he likes the taste, and his pours are tiny, so he's not actually drinking that much, and he never gets drunk, so it's not a problem, and blah blah blah. He told me, "when it becomes a problem, then it makes sense to say something." I strongly disagree with that assertion. He also told me that he doesn't want to feel like I am judging him every time he pours himself a drink...but I can't help it. Every time he pours himself a drink, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Lately, when he comes to bed, he gives off the same sickly sweet alcohol smell that a previous employer who was a VERY HEAVY drinker gave off. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I smell it. I can't sleep facing him because the smell bothers me so much. Health and fitness are very important to me, and I can't stand the thought of what he is doing to himself, but whenever I try to raise the issue with him, he acts like I am making a big deal out of nothing. I should note that his father has had issues with drugs and alcohol and no longer drinks.
At this point, I am not sure what to do. I love him and I know he is planning to ask me to marry him in the near future. I am extremely concerned about the path he is heading down, and I don't want to head down a dangerous path with him.
I would love input from those who have been there. Thanks in advance.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years. He is former military, and he drank a lot when he was in the Marine Corps. He got out 4.5 years ago and moved cross country for school, and to be with me. He has always drank more than I have been comfortable with, but I don't really drink, and have had a number of alcoholic friends whose pain and struggle I have witnessed firsthand, so I have a pretty low threshold. I don't even like it when my friends or family get tipsy in social settings.
He has always loved to drink beer with his friends, or at night with dinner, but within the last year or so, he has started drinking bourbon. He became fascinated with all of the rare and hard to find bourbons, and would drive all over town to look for them. He joined a bourbon Facebook group, and started collecting it and drinking it every night. When he gets home from work, he will usually crack open a beer, he might have another one with dinner, and then 2 or 3 or more (I go to bed, so I don't really know) one ounce pours of bourbon.
Over time, it seems that he is drinking more and more. I raised the subject with him a few months ago, and he got extremely defensive, claiming he only drinks it because he likes the taste, and his pours are tiny, so he's not actually drinking that much, and he never gets drunk, so it's not a problem, and blah blah blah. He told me, "when it becomes a problem, then it makes sense to say something." I strongly disagree with that assertion. He also told me that he doesn't want to feel like I am judging him every time he pours himself a drink...but I can't help it. Every time he pours himself a drink, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Lately, when he comes to bed, he gives off the same sickly sweet alcohol smell that a previous employer who was a VERY HEAVY drinker gave off. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I smell it. I can't sleep facing him because the smell bothers me so much. Health and fitness are very important to me, and I can't stand the thought of what he is doing to himself, but whenever I try to raise the issue with him, he acts like I am making a big deal out of nothing. I should note that his father has had issues with drugs and alcohol and no longer drinks.
At this point, I am not sure what to do. I love him and I know he is planning to ask me to marry him in the near future. I am extremely concerned about the path he is heading down, and I don't want to head down a dangerous path with him.
I would love input from those who have been there. Thanks in advance.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It sounds to me like he does not having a problem with his drinking, but that you do. And that is a perfectly valid feeling that you don't need affirmed from him for it to be true.
I wouldn't venture to say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic. I have no idea. But here are some things to consider:
a) Alcoholism is a progressive condition. What is normal now will not be normal later.
b) Recovery from alcoholism first and foremost requires recognition, admission, and acceptance of a problem from the alcoholic themselves.
Knowing those two things, and suspecting, as you do, that he is potentially an alcoholic, are you comfortable committing to this relationship?
We can't change other people, so if your goal is to get him to see the light, well, you can see how well that's worked out so far.
At the very least, he seems to have developed a deep interest in something that makes you not even want to sleep in the same bed with him. I would strongly consider whether that is something you want in a lifelong partner.
At the worst, he is an early-stage alcoholic. Is that someone you want to build a life and a family with? Marriage and children are not enough to change an addict in denial. It just enmeshes you and any children you have into the cycle of addiction.
There are lots of people out there who don't drink. Making a life with someone based solely on the hope that someday they will be the person you'd rather they were is a gamble I personally wouldn't take. That's true of any relationship, not just one that potentially includes addiction. It might be worth considering whether it would be kinder to both of you to let go of this relationship so you are both free to find someone with whom you are more compatible.
I wouldn't venture to say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic. I have no idea. But here are some things to consider:
a) Alcoholism is a progressive condition. What is normal now will not be normal later.
b) Recovery from alcoholism first and foremost requires recognition, admission, and acceptance of a problem from the alcoholic themselves.
Knowing those two things, and suspecting, as you do, that he is potentially an alcoholic, are you comfortable committing to this relationship?
We can't change other people, so if your goal is to get him to see the light, well, you can see how well that's worked out so far.
At the very least, he seems to have developed a deep interest in something that makes you not even want to sleep in the same bed with him. I would strongly consider whether that is something you want in a lifelong partner.
At the worst, he is an early-stage alcoholic. Is that someone you want to build a life and a family with? Marriage and children are not enough to change an addict in denial. It just enmeshes you and any children you have into the cycle of addiction.
There are lots of people out there who don't drink. Making a life with someone based solely on the hope that someday they will be the person you'd rather they were is a gamble I personally wouldn't take. That's true of any relationship, not just one that potentially includes addiction. It might be worth considering whether it would be kinder to both of you to let go of this relationship so you are both free to find someone with whom you are more compatible.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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I just want to reiterate what SparkleKitty said... whether or not he is an alcoholic, whether or not he sees his drinking as problematic, YOU DO.
That is a very valid feeling and it is worthy of your consideration as you plan a life with this man. You owe it to yourself to build a happy life. For many of us here our lives became unbearable married to alcoholic spouses.
Uggggg....I remember that smell all too well... I was pregnant with my second baby the first time I smelled it. It isn't exactly the smell of liquor in their mouth but rather their breath trying to expel the alcohol that their livers can't handle. It's disgusting...and heartbreaking...and all too common, many if not most of us here know that smell. I'm glad I don't have to smell it any more. I am not saying your boyfriend is an alcoholic, I do not know him, but I know I mentally associate that smell with alcoholics.
Hugs and Good Luck Ellie, I hope you stick around, and I hope you keep reaching out. I wish I had gotten educated about addiction and codependence a heck of a lot sooner than I did.
That is a very valid feeling and it is worthy of your consideration as you plan a life with this man. You owe it to yourself to build a happy life. For many of us here our lives became unbearable married to alcoholic spouses.
Uggggg....I remember that smell all too well... I was pregnant with my second baby the first time I smelled it. It isn't exactly the smell of liquor in their mouth but rather their breath trying to expel the alcohol that their livers can't handle. It's disgusting...and heartbreaking...and all too common, many if not most of us here know that smell. I'm glad I don't have to smell it any more. I am not saying your boyfriend is an alcoholic, I do not know him, but I know I mentally associate that smell with alcoholics.
Hugs and Good Luck Ellie, I hope you stick around, and I hope you keep reaching out. I wish I had gotten educated about addiction and codependence a heck of a lot sooner than I did.
Last edited by SmallButMighty; 08-03-2017 at 08:02 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
You don't have to put up with anything you don't want to. It doesn't matter if he sees it as an issue or not. You do. And that's enough. You don't have to justify yourself to him. Even if you could, he probably wouldn't hear it, because alcoholics do not like to be called out on their drinking. I know I hated it, and it made me defensive. Best wishes for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
It sounds to me like he does not having a problem with his drinking, but that you do. And that is a perfectly valid feeling that you don't need affirmed from him for it to be true.
I wouldn't venture to say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic. I have no idea. But here are some things to consider:
a) Alcoholism is a progressive condition. What is normal now will not be normal later.
b) Recovery from alcoholism first and foremost requires recognition, admission, and acceptance of a problem from the alcoholic themselves.
Knowing those two things, and suspecting, as you do, that he is potentially an alcoholic, are you comfortable committing to this relationship?
We can't change other people, so if your goal is to get him to see the light, well, you can see how well that's worked out so far.
At the very least, he seems to have developed a deep interest in something that makes you not even want to sleep in the same bed with him. I would strongly consider whether that is something you want in a lifelong partner.
At the worst, he is an early-stage alcoholic. Is that someone you want to build a life and a family with? Marriage and children are not enough to change an addict in denial. It just enmeshes you and any children you have into the cycle of addiction.
There are lots of people out there who don't drink. Making a life with someone based solely on the hope that someday they will be the person you'd rather they were is a gamble I personally wouldn't take. That's true of any relationship, not just one that potentially includes addiction. It might be worth considering whether it would be kinder to both of you to let go of this relationship so you are both free to find someone with whom you are more compatible.
I wouldn't venture to say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic. I have no idea. But here are some things to consider:
a) Alcoholism is a progressive condition. What is normal now will not be normal later.
b) Recovery from alcoholism first and foremost requires recognition, admission, and acceptance of a problem from the alcoholic themselves.
Knowing those two things, and suspecting, as you do, that he is potentially an alcoholic, are you comfortable committing to this relationship?
We can't change other people, so if your goal is to get him to see the light, well, you can see how well that's worked out so far.
At the very least, he seems to have developed a deep interest in something that makes you not even want to sleep in the same bed with him. I would strongly consider whether that is something you want in a lifelong partner.
At the worst, he is an early-stage alcoholic. Is that someone you want to build a life and a family with? Marriage and children are not enough to change an addict in denial. It just enmeshes you and any children you have into the cycle of addiction.
There are lots of people out there who don't drink. Making a life with someone based solely on the hope that someday they will be the person you'd rather they were is a gamble I personally wouldn't take. That's true of any relationship, not just one that potentially includes addiction. It might be worth considering whether it would be kinder to both of you to let go of this relationship so you are both free to find someone with whom you are more compatible.
I tried coming up with an analogy that didn't involve drinking to see if it changed my perspective on the situation. If he was really into auto racing, and I'd had a friend or two seriously injured in an auto racing accident, how would I feel about him continuing to pursue that hobby? Would I try to stop him? I don't think I would. Would it cause me this much anxiety? probably not. I don't know if that's a reasonable analogy. Probably not.
I can't decide if I am overreacting or not, and I feel like there is no right decision here.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
I just want to reiterate what SparkleKitty said... whether or not he is an alcoholic, whether or not he sees his drinking as problematic, YOU DO.
That is a very valid feeling and it is worthy of your consideration as you plan a life with this man. You owe it to yourself to build a happy life. For many of us here our lives became unbearable married to alcoholic spouses.
Uggggg....I remember that smell all too well... I was pregnant with my second baby the first time I smelled it. It isn't exactly the smell of liquor in their mouth but rather their breath trying to expel the alcohol that their livers can't handle. It's disgusting...and heartbreaking...and all too common, many if not most of us here know that smell. I'm glad I don't have to smell it any more. I am not saying your boyfriend is an alcoholic, I do not know him, but I know I mentally associate that smell with alcoholics.
Hugs and Good Luck Ellie, I hope you stick around, and I hope you keep reaching out. I wish I had gotten educated about addiction and codependence a heck of a lot sooner than I did.
That is a very valid feeling and it is worthy of your consideration as you plan a life with this man. You owe it to yourself to build a happy life. For many of us here our lives became unbearable married to alcoholic spouses.
Uggggg....I remember that smell all too well... I was pregnant with my second baby the first time I smelled it. It isn't exactly the smell of liquor in their mouth but rather their breath trying to expel the alcohol that their livers can't handle. It's disgusting...and heartbreaking...and all too common, many if not most of us here know that smell. I'm glad I don't have to smell it any more. I am not saying your boyfriend is an alcoholic, I do not know him, but I know I mentally associate that smell with alcoholics.
Hugs and Good Luck Ellie, I hope you stick around, and I hope you keep reaching out. I wish I had gotten educated about addiction and codependence a heck of a lot sooner than I did.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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ellie....I don't think you are overreacting at all. I do think, however, that you are trying to avoid pain....(a natural human thing). I think you are sensing that the future with him may be problematic (and, it will). You also are fearful of the pai n that will come if you break off the relationship. So, in either direction you see "pain".
And, if that is the way you really are seeing it...I agree with you...that is the reality of the situation.
This is what I would share with you about this dilemma......The pain of making a marriage with an active alcoholic who doesn't commit to a life of total abstainence is ongoing. Alcoholism, unless interrupted by Total abstainence, only gets worse over time. It is well known to be a progressive disease.
The pain you feel now, is nothing to the pain of merging yourself legally, financially and worse of all---having children with an active alcoholic. You should read more of the stories written by those who have done that.
And, yes, ending a relationship is painful....no doubt about it...and, now way around it.....
Look at it this way....the pain of ending a relationship with an alcoholic fades away, over a few weeks/months. The pain of hitching your wagon to practicing alcoholic just gets worse and worse....it doesn't end.....
I have always said---Ending a toxic or destructive relationship is short term pain for the long term gain.....
I think it is best to look at life changing decisions in the long term.....
What do you want your life to look like in 2 yrs./5yrs./10yrs...?
And, if that is the way you really are seeing it...I agree with you...that is the reality of the situation.
This is what I would share with you about this dilemma......The pain of making a marriage with an active alcoholic who doesn't commit to a life of total abstainence is ongoing. Alcoholism, unless interrupted by Total abstainence, only gets worse over time. It is well known to be a progressive disease.
The pain you feel now, is nothing to the pain of merging yourself legally, financially and worse of all---having children with an active alcoholic. You should read more of the stories written by those who have done that.
And, yes, ending a relationship is painful....no doubt about it...and, now way around it.....
Look at it this way....the pain of ending a relationship with an alcoholic fades away, over a few weeks/months. The pain of hitching your wagon to practicing alcoholic just gets worse and worse....it doesn't end.....
I have always said---Ending a toxic or destructive relationship is short term pain for the long term gain.....
I think it is best to look at life changing decisions in the long term.....
What do you want your life to look like in 2 yrs./5yrs./10yrs...?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I tried coming up with an analogy that didn't involve drinking to see if it changed my perspective on the situation. If he was really into auto racing, and I'd had a friend or two seriously injured in an auto racing accident, how would I feel about him continuing to pursue that hobby? Would I try to stop him? I don't think I would. Would it cause me this much anxiety? probably not. I don't know if that's a reasonable analogy. Probably not.
Active alcoholism is NOT a "hobby." Far from it. It is an addiction. He may be presenting it as a "hobby", joining a bourbon club and whatnot, but I think that's a pretty thin cover. He doesn't drink b/c "he's really into it." He drinks b/c he HAS to. His mind and body need and crave alcohol like you need oxygen. Alcoholics will choose to drink over ANYTHING else--spouse/partner, family, friends, job, life itself--ANYTHING. It will gradually consume everything recognizable, everything HUMAN, about him, leaving a shell of the person you believed you knew and loved.
And just b/c he's not drunk at any given moment doesn't mean he isn't still in the grip of alcoholism. Unless he gets and stays sober, working a program of recovery, his mind will still be an addict's mind, not that of a normal, healthy, loving person.
Ellie, auto racing as a hobby and active alcoholism are not in any way comparable...
Edited to add: Even if he is NOT an alcoholic, there is a basic incompatibility. You state that health and fitness are very important to you, while he's made it clear that drinking is very important to HIM. I don't see those 2 things working out together, the same way it might be hard for a NASCAR fan and an opera buff to have a good fit...just 2 very different viewpoints and lifestyles. (No offense intended to either NASCAR fans OR opera buffs!)
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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If he is an alcoholic or not does not really matter at this point because the bottom line is that HIS drinking affects you and not in a healthy way. It affects you so much that you sought support here.
I can't decide if I am overreacting or not, and I feel like there is no right decision here.
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Originally Posted by ellie86
I can't decide if I am overreacting or not, and I feel like there is no right decision here.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Well moving forward your eyes are wide-open, nothing to shock you as his drinking will progress and making plans to marry him will mean you accept him and his drinking just as he is and for who he could become as the alcohol grabs a hold of him even more.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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It IS going to be hard, Ellie, no doubt about it, terrifically and painfully hard. Please feel free to lean on us as much as you need to. I think it's safe to say that almost everyone here has been in your shoes and had to make a decision similar to the one that faces you now. We do understand, will listen and help you as best we can.
The thing to remember is, as dandylion said in her post, that the pain of breaking up is going to be transitory--there will be an end to it eventually. The pain of living with an active alcoholic will not end as long as you both shall live.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
The thing to remember is, as dandylion said in her post, that the pain of breaking up is going to be transitory--there will be an end to it eventually. The pain of living with an active alcoholic will not end as long as you both shall live.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
If you're thinking of having kids, think long and hard if you want your boyfriend to be their daddy. Do you want your kids to think that this type of alcohol consumption is normal? If your child had similar drinking habits, how would you feel if he/she used the same arguments as your boyfriend is using?
The knowledge of your boyfriend's drinking is a "strangely wrapped gift". So many people get married not knowing their partners are addicts/alcoholics. You've been given clarity. Don't turn away from it.
The knowledge of your boyfriend's drinking is a "strangely wrapped gift". So many people get married not knowing their partners are addicts/alcoholics. You've been given clarity. Don't turn away from it.
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Thank you very much, everyone. I met with my therapist this morning and she helped bring some clarity to this, and helped me come up with a plan. I am going to write him a letter with a list of facts. I am going to tell him that I am done with alcohol, whether he is or not. He has a choice...and I know the odds aren't in my favor, but I can't keep sitting idly by while he drinks. I will give it to him on Saturday, and probably book a night in an AirBNB to give him the evening to sit with it. I will let you know how it pans out. My stomach hurts. 
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I love you, let's get married = I found someone who will put up with my crap.
I've been married 30 years. Many good things don't make up for the drinking, the mind games, the emotional abuse, the progression of this family disease of alcoholism.
It affects the non-drinkers just as much, simply in different ways. Stress kills.
I've been married 30 years. Many good things don't make up for the drinking, the mind games, the emotional abuse, the progression of this family disease of alcoholism.
It affects the non-drinkers just as much, simply in different ways. Stress kills.
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