Think this is it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Think this is it
But then I reckon I've said that before. I'm here again after spending the last few months trying to mend and save my relationship and for a while I thought I had it - I really did think it was working again. But no.
Things were going so great, we seemed to be loving each other again, the home was happier but as i relaxed and enjoyed this happiness I let other things slide to do with my kids - and this led to a blow up from OH. And she brought up my apathy again and how I always let things slide and never kept anything up, and she keeps correcting my grammar, and moaning that I don't pick up the kids on this.
Last night she told me that I have smothered and destroyed everything she loves, passion, music, travelling. That I was never interested in her, nor wanted to learn from her passion in classical music. Pretty much that i had destroyed her and everything she loves. She is happy to remind me that her seriously abusive exGF listened to music with her (despite then beating her up) and how despite that - at least she tried to listen to music with her apparently.
I think we're separating. Despite everyone's advice I have fought and fought to save my relationship - I've tried to do everything that I thought would lead to a happier home. But all it's led to is me not being good enough still and her being desperately unhappy.
I have to let her go - this has been going on for years now. I'm tired of having to do everything, to mend everything, to never feel able to relax, be me, tired of having everything negative about me pointed out daily and never receiving anything positive, no affection, no kindness.
I'm tired and I think I'm out of fight. I can't go on like this. I don't know what will happen now but I can't fix it. And after hearing and feeling what she feels about me - I'm not sure I want to anymore. I can't give any more to someone who is so cold an unkind.
It's her birthday in a few days - don't know what to do.
Feel rubbish. Head has already started looking at how I can support myself financially.
Things were going so great, we seemed to be loving each other again, the home was happier but as i relaxed and enjoyed this happiness I let other things slide to do with my kids - and this led to a blow up from OH. And she brought up my apathy again and how I always let things slide and never kept anything up, and she keeps correcting my grammar, and moaning that I don't pick up the kids on this.
Last night she told me that I have smothered and destroyed everything she loves, passion, music, travelling. That I was never interested in her, nor wanted to learn from her passion in classical music. Pretty much that i had destroyed her and everything she loves. She is happy to remind me that her seriously abusive exGF listened to music with her (despite then beating her up) and how despite that - at least she tried to listen to music with her apparently.
I think we're separating. Despite everyone's advice I have fought and fought to save my relationship - I've tried to do everything that I thought would lead to a happier home. But all it's led to is me not being good enough still and her being desperately unhappy.
I have to let her go - this has been going on for years now. I'm tired of having to do everything, to mend everything, to never feel able to relax, be me, tired of having everything negative about me pointed out daily and never receiving anything positive, no affection, no kindness.
I'm tired and I think I'm out of fight. I can't go on like this. I don't know what will happen now but I can't fix it. And after hearing and feeling what she feels about me - I'm not sure I want to anymore. I can't give any more to someone who is so cold an unkind.
It's her birthday in a few days - don't know what to do.
Feel rubbish. Head has already started looking at how I can support myself financially.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Poppet,
Well, you know you'll get no argument from me about its being long past time that you let this one go. I'm still hearing you blaming yourself, though, for "failings." Please stop analyzing what else you could have done to "fight" for this relationship. It's like a hostage fighting not to be freed.
As for her birthday, it's just another day. If you must, tell her "Many happy returns," and go about your day. You absolutely CAN support yourself. Take the leap, you will land safely.
Well, you know you'll get no argument from me about its being long past time that you let this one go. I'm still hearing you blaming yourself, though, for "failings." Please stop analyzing what else you could have done to "fight" for this relationship. It's like a hostage fighting not to be freed.
As for her birthday, it's just another day. If you must, tell her "Many happy returns," and go about your day. You absolutely CAN support yourself. Take the leap, you will land safely.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Here are your threads, going back about a year. Sometimes seeing one's own words are more powerful than anything anyone else can say, so in case it helps you...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7834865
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7834865
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
She's so cross that I've not taken as much interest as she's wanted me to into things that she loves. Not learnt stuff from her. Not opened myself to her passion into classical music or sport. I feel so crap. I did try but apparently not enough. It felt like everything she likes is so much more important than anything else. I wen to God awful operas for her. But still I Should have spent my evenings siting listening to symphonies and talking about musicians. And then there's sport. I'm the world's most uninterested person in sport - she knew that. But I'm supposed to suddenly start apreciating sport.
I sound so selfish. Should I have been more open? I feEl rubbish and selfish.
I sound so selfish. Should I have been more open? I feEl rubbish and selfish.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Exactly. Oil and water. This is a toxic relationship and not good or healthy for either one of you. Just because she's trying to blame you doesn't mean you have to accept that blame. What you DO need to accept is that this is who she is, and neither one of you will be happy with the other.
And YES--to thine own self be true.
And YES--to thine own self be true.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You could lose 40 pounds, change your hair color, wear new type of clothing, get interested in her music, sit through hours of unenjoyable music, take a grammar course, learn classical music and NOTHING YOU DO is going to change WHO SHE IS! So stop trying to get acceptance from the unacceptable.
You don’t want to feel like rubbish then get up and get away from the trash because the trash isn’t going to change, it’s always going to stink!!!
You don’t want to feel like rubbish then get up and get away from the trash because the trash isn’t going to change, it’s always going to stink!!!
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by Poppet35 
She's so cross that I've not taken as much interest as she's wanted me to into things that she loves. Not learnt stuff from her. Not opened myself to her passion into classical music or sport. I feel so crap. I did try but apparently not enough. It felt like everything she likes is so much more important than anything else. I wen to God awful operas for her. But still I Should have spent my evenings siting listening to symphonies and talking about musicians. And then there's sport. I'm the world's most uninterested person in sport - she knew that. But I'm supposed to suddenly start apreciating sport.
I sound so selfish. Should I have been more open? I feEl rubbish and selfish.
I sound so selfish. Should I have been more open? I feEl rubbish and selfish.
I hope you are serious about looking after yourself this time. The life you are choosing is no life at all.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Poppet, you have known this was coming for a VERY long time. You cannot make yourself into a different person. You should be happy to be YOU!!! She is always talking about what's wrong with you, maybe it's time she take a look in the mirror. Until then, you deserve someone who will cherish who you are. No relationship should try to change you as a person.
Big Hugs!
Big Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I think we're separating. Despite everyone's advice I have fought and fought to save my relationship - I've tried to do everything that I thought would lead to a happier home. But all it's led to is me not being good enough still and her being desperately unhappy.
you need to ask yourself WHY you made the decision to stay and TRY to make it work when it has been obvious that it never will, rather than just ACCEPT it for what it is and let go? what were you so desperately trying to PROVE? when stuff doesn't work, it doesn't work.
one more time - you will never ever in a million years MAKE her happy. or ANYONE. not your job. but especially not with HER. she CHOOSES to be miserable and she found someone who would feed her ego.
just.stop. so she has a BD coming up. big freakin' deal. buy her a card. and be done with it.
you need to ask yourself WHY you made the decision to stay and TRY to make it work when it has been obvious that it never will, rather than just ACCEPT it for what it is and let go? what were you so desperately trying to PROVE? when stuff doesn't work, it doesn't work.
one more time - you will never ever in a million years MAKE her happy. or ANYONE. not your job. but especially not with HER. she CHOOSES to be miserable and she found someone who would feed her ego.
just.stop. so she has a BD coming up. big freakin' deal. buy her a card. and be done with it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Last night she told me that I have smothered and destroyed everything she loves, passion, music, travelling.
I'm glad that you posted. I'm glad that you came back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
You have to be who you are, and although most of us make compromises for our partners from time to time.. like going to sporting events, or operas (ok maybe not that).. The point is its about give and take, and each respecting the other person for who they are. It doesnt sound like she respected your differences.. or respected your right to individuality.
I think its hard to be happy in an environment like that, and even harder to thrive and grow.
Also, when your honest up front that makes a huge difference. Some people pretend to like something, and then later declare they never did and it was all about making them happy. You were clear you werent into sports for example. Maybe she thought she would change you? Her problem, not yours
I hope you find someone who appreciates you, and then you can both live in harmony and happiness.
I think its hard to be happy in an environment like that, and even harder to thrive and grow.
Also, when your honest up front that makes a huge difference. Some people pretend to like something, and then later declare they never did and it was all about making them happy. You were clear you werent into sports for example. Maybe she thought she would change you? Her problem, not yours
I hope you find someone who appreciates you, and then you can both live in harmony and happiness.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
One more thought...don't traumatize yourself over her birthday.
No matter what you do, it will be wrong. Or it will be apparently just fine at the moment...and a day later she will blast you just as you start to relax a bit.
That's a tough way to live, yes?
No matter what you do, it will be wrong. Or it will be apparently just fine at the moment...and a day later she will blast you just as you start to relax a bit.
That's a tough way to live, yes?
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