Becki67

Hi Everyone,

Yep...still here....still with my AB. Still making excuses why I shouldn't leave. The home loan is in my name...he's great when he's sober (1/16th of the time)....it's such a hassle because I have to move my sister and her 3 kids out with me.....I'm used to it now....I've lived with it this long....

I look at places to move on a daily basis...I actually set appointments to go see those houses, and something stops me. I'm going to keep on looking at houses and making appointments and one of these days, I'm going to sign that lease.

I'm finding myself digressing....I think I know why, but I'd like your thoughts. I began my own company again that I work out of my home. I'm here all the time. I'm doing fairly well but it takes some time for consistent money to come in. I'm here all the time. He's drunk all the time. I am finding my old resentments bubbling to the surface again....I rise to the bait and we end up in an argument where he ends up calling me names. We've had one fight where he kind of got intimidating (if you call the drunken wobble in my face intimidating)...I threatened to call the cops and he called me names and then totally forgot what we were talking about and asked why I was so mad at him. I got really good at ignoring him, asking him calmly to leave me alone and talking when he sobers up...but lately, I find myself going back at him and lecturing him because he's drinking.

I need some tips on what to say or do instead of getting angry and trying to manipulate him to stop drinking. I will get out of this relationship...I will....I just can't say when.

AnvilheadII

maybe you've TRIED everything else and now all that is left to pull the trigger? you've sat in all the deck chairs, but the ship is still sinking, you just get a different view as she's going down.

you are frustrated for a reason.
you are angry for a reason.
you have run out of words for a reason.

LexieCat

Hold on--the house and mortgage are in your name and you are looking for a place for YOU and your family to move?

Why not make him leave? He can stay in a shelter, he can stay with a friend. Have you talked to a lawyer about your options? That doesn't commit you to a specific course of action, but at least it will spell out what the possibilities are. It sounds as if he is contributing zero but stress to your life.

LexieCat

Oh, and one other thing. Sometimes there IS nothing else to be done. We all reach our limits. Detachment and boundaries are not a permanent solution for continuing to live with alcoholism. At some point, your life will be as good as it's going to get unless you change the landscape.

tomsteve

im glad ya made it back and sorry to read YOU are getting worse.
seriously, YOU are looking to move from house in YOUR name?i guess im assuming its in your name since the loan is in your name. a house that has YOU on the home loan?
you have your sister and 3 kids there,too? and those kids are exposed to it.are you aware of how that can shape THEIR future? that being around it can damage THEM? you think moving them out would be a hassle- becki, that,imo, is quite self centered. the welfare of those children should be high priority.
along with your own.

you dont have excuses for why you havent left, but do for why you havent booted him out. if you reread this and some other replies of yours i think you'll read the fear.

"I need some tips on what to say or do instead of getting angry and trying to manipulate him to stop drinking."
first things first- you dont deserve the insanity.
what to do? decide that youre tired of the circus music constantly playing and surrender- admit and accept your way aint doing YOU any good.
then decide you will do whatever action is necessary.
what to say? seems pretty simple:"im done and you have to go."
what to DO is get him out of there. start the process NOW. start looking into what has to be done to evict him.

".I think I know why, but I'd like your thoughts. '
could you fill us in what you think is the "why' of it?

manipulate an alcoholic to stop drinking.
beings how hes sober 1/16th of the time, i hope like crazy ya dont think thats been workin nor will work.
idk, maybe someone else here can say they made that work?

Becki, idk if my words may read harsh. what i type from my heart. i went back and read through some of your past threads before responding. and what i read?
the old practicing alcoholic me.
if you stick around, youre in for a ride into a disgusting pit of gloom dispair,and agony. and it very well could be for years.

Becki67

Sorry...the home is in both of our names and the loan is in my name only. He's pretty much told me he wouldn't leave HIS house.

CelticZebra

Sounds like non-reaction is what you want! I convinced my husband to move out 6 months ago and got the house in my name, he's hardly here at all in the past few weeks since I've tightened my boundaries and feel hugely less anxious when I remember I don't HAVE to react to a problem that is no longer in my face, in my home and only in my head when I allow it to be!
He had fair warning that if the behaviour didn't change then something would because I'm not giving up my sobriety for ANYTHING.
It was me or him, life or death and I chose ME, my sanity, my daughter, my dogs, the peace at home is AMAZING and allows me to heal.

MsPINKAcres

Becki
Hate you are dealing with this. When I was going thru the Divorce with my ex ah, he wouldn't leave the house either It was a tough decision but I decided to turn my will & my life over to the God of my understanding.

I obtained a peace knowing I would rather sleep in a cardboard box on the street then stay in a house with active alcoholism & addiction. And it wasn't easy at first but my faith in the God of my understanding got me thru.

When we a ready the serenity & sanity & safety we want becomes more important than any other material possessions or what any one else thinks.

Keeping working on yourself & seek your HP's guidance. Trust in More Will be Revealed.

Don't give up before the miracle happens in you!
Pink hugs

atalose

Have you given al-anon a try? I know when I distanced myself from my own recovery all my old habit's and resentments came to the surface again.

Maybe in the past you were able to have a break from it by leaving the house for work but now the house is your work so it's in your face 24/7.

Have you consulted an attorney about his name being on the house but you being solely finance for it? Doesn't seem fair and I'm sure there is something that can be done. Does he contribute any fiances towards the mortgage?

LexieCat

Please talk to a lawyer about your options. They will depend on the law where you live, as well as the facts concerning the purchase/financing of the house.

As I said, it doesn't commit you to anything, but it seems to me you're making decisions about YOUR life based on the ramblings of a drunk.

dandylion

I'm with tomsteve....ca n you fill us in on the "why" of it? (You implied that you know why you are staying stuck)......

Becki67

Lexiecat was right...now I'm home and it's in my face 24 x 7. This situation with my sister is this....I had guardianship of her two children for the past 9 years...those boys are 21 and 20 now, but still live here. She moved in last year with her 8 year old. She doesn't drive and I am the one that takes her to work every day and pick her up. I am the one that drives her and her son every where they need to go. I am the one that is responsible for everyone in this household...all the decision making is coming on my shoulders. She's totally dependent on me for everything. During that, I'm trying to build a staffing business and I'm dealing with him being drunk all the time. So, I apologize but I take offense to being called self-centered. I don't want to hurt anyone and I've always been that person in my family that everyone comes to, especially my sister. So, yes, if we decide to move out, then I am the one that has to handle everything and pay, for the most part, for everything. It is a big deal and a little daunting. I am the one that risks ruining my credit...but that is a small worry comparatively. He pays half of everything and he pays for most of the improvements because he feels they need to be done when I don't. He's not taking advantage of me when it comes to the house...which is another reason that I would have a hard time taking it away from him. This house has become a prison and I would be fine going somewhere else.

dandylion

Becki.....it appears that these family roles were established back in your childhoods,,,in your family of origin?
That sort of "programing" goes deep.....
I sure hope that you are not trying to work through this alone...I mean--without the help of a therapist equipped to help you with family issues....
I have a feeling that Co-dependency has woven itself in, also....
Alanon can help you there......as well as dealing with the impact that living with an alcoholic all these years has had.....
There are lots of people on this forum that say that they couldn't have gotten out of the "prison" that you speak of, without both alanon and therapist plus US, here on SR...lol.

If you haven't talked, in depth with a lawyer about the finances surrounding the house...maybe, that is the first call you need to make....
Know your rights....knowledge is power....

***I don't think the poster was saying that you are a selfish individual...but, just trying to point out that the dependent child (the 8yr. old) is suffering from this kind of atmosphere--and, the adults may be oblivious (or just ignorant) of that fact....Adults can get so wrapped up in their own pain that they forget that the young ones are the most impacted of all.....

dandylion

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-but-how.html

Living like this for the past seven years...No wonder you feel like it is a prison!

LexieCat

Becki, there is no reason why you have to shoulder all of the burden alone. The 20- and 21/yo young men should be paying rent at this point. So should your sister. We see people here all the time who suffer physical and mental breakdowns from trying to be all things to everyone. And why can the young men not drive their mom and brother where they need to go? Sounds to me like it's time for a family meeting--everyone in the household should be contributing, in some way, to the operation of the household. They've all gotten used to your doing it for them, but that doesn't mean it can or should remain that way.

Becki67

I'm sure a lot of you can relate but I feel so overwhelmed sometimes....like I'm drowning. Until I get my business up and running and getting a steady income coming in, I'm stuck. I have a meeting this afternoon with another company to mesh my company with theirs. They will provide the office space and the back office. I have been in this house every single day for 3 months....I need a break from everyone and all the responsibilities I'm under. I was taught to put on a brave face, put on my makeup every single day and "never let them see me cry"....I do that so no one really knows about all the turmoil in my head and heart. When I try to talk to my sister about shouldering the responsibilities, she starts to hysterically cry and immediately makes me feel like a horrible person. She has issues too and has been abused in the past. She's like a child in a 50 year old body sometimes. Throughout all of these years, I've never felt hopeless...until recently. I will look into an al anon meeting...it will help me feel as if I'm doing something to change things. That may set the tide rolling...

FallenAngelina

Why are you not participating in Al-Anon and working that program like your life depends on it?

Becki67

I'm going to start. I'm also going to talk to one of the boys tonight and let them know that they will be paying rent starting September 1. I'll talk to the other one when he gets home tomorrow about doing the same. I just had a long conversation with my brother. He boosted me up and kicked my butt. There's a meeting tonight....I'm going to go...someone else will have to pick up my sister. They are small steps but I'm going to start that way.

I'm embarrassed to say that I don't understand what the meeting titles mean. Does anyone know if this is an appropriate meeting for my 2nd one ever? 7:00 PM Steps & Traditions Book Study

dandylion

Becki.....yes, do seek out alanon....
Like FallenAngelina suggests, you need a lot of support, right now. Not just a meeting here or there...but, lots!. You should get out of that house once a day, at least. You need to find a therapist, if you don't already have one.
Don't you deserve, at least, this much for yourself?

Is there a reason that the two young adult boys are living there? Are they going to school/working?

It is a sad thing if your sister was abused....and she needs her own help, also. She needs specialized therapy and, perhaps, the help of a social worker (who specializes in mental health)....

You simply cannot hold up the whole world. It will break you....
I think you may be feeling that.....

Action...action....action.....

If I were you, I would take two or three days a week to spend the evening and night in a motel...alone..... with four adult bodies in the house...they should be able to survive without you....
That would give you some break from the turmoil...and, some quiet space...alone...to think and plan....and to focus just on yourself....

atalose

I think the problem with that idea is that you would be taking the other inmates along with you and all the same problems. You’d still be the taxi and chauffer driver, you’d still be the responsible one taking care of 3 other grown adults and a child and still be trying to grown a new business. The only part that would not be coming along would be the one helping you pay ½ the mortgage and home improvements but is drunk most days.

Why can’t the 20 and 21 year olds drive their mother back and forth to work and chauffer her and her 8 year old around?

Why can’t she use Uber to get herself back and forth to work?

I cannot see anything changing with a new address unless you set some strong boundaries and learn to say the word “NO”.

You have more than a plate full, and yes not dealing with an alcoholic on a daily basis would remove a spot on that plate but it would still be full.

Al-anon would do you wonders especially if you embraced the program.