Do I always have to be right?

Old 10-22-2004, 09:21 AM
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Do I always have to be right?

I had and insight when I went to my therapist visit this week that I thought I'd send out to you guys and see what you thought.

First off although I had been doing pretty good the last few weeks -- Sunday was kinda bad. My AH is off on Sunday and since we didn't have any family plans, he was doing some things around the house. However, it seemed like he was always running off to the "hardware store" for some little thing that I know we have if he searched for it. The "hardware store" just happens to be next to the bar! So all day long I kept asking him if he was really going to the store or ... This just got me more upset because he always said he wasn't stopping in the bar and my gut told me otherwise and his behavaior increasingly said he had been drinking. By the evening I was really upset, especially when he was "taking a nap" in the middle of the day; so I called him on it -- he denied it -- I told him was lying --- yada yada same old story.

So I told my therapist if he would just be honest and tell me he'd been drinking then I could do the detaching thing and not get so upset. But it really bothered me cuz I just kept guessing. Well, he pointed out the obvious -- just assume he's been drinking. Well, yea duh but for some reason I need him to say it. Why he asks? Then it hits me - so I can say "See, I told you so." and then I would be right! Like a game - I would feel some sense of power that I was right and he wasn't.

Just realizing that and then realizing that I really didn't need to be "right" or to "win" was like a light bulb going on. What did I gain by that -- nothing! Of course he's been drinking. I guess I don't always have to be right -- I just need to remember that I have my own power and don't need to get it from my AH. It sure make letting go a lot easier knowing that I don't have to be right.
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Old 10-22-2004, 10:33 AM
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Congratulations! What a breakthrough! It sounds like you are doing some hard thinking and self examination. It is weird isn't it though, something that seems so obvious seems to elude people like us. I can identify totally.
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Old 10-22-2004, 10:59 AM
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Hi Joy!

I know you just helped a lot of folks. That's a great way to think of the need we sometimes feel to "prove" the drinking or drugging. And WOO WOO for YOU!!!!

Hugs,
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Old 10-22-2004, 11:00 AM
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yeah joy - i think a lot of us felt that same way - i'm right, i'm right, i'm right. i think it gets back to the messed up thinking before recovery of - i'm not sick - the a is!

recovery is hard!
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Old 10-22-2004, 01:06 PM
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HI -
I think your "insight" was right on the money.....and I can TOTALLY relate to your experience.

My husband liked to "go out to his "workroom" in the garage.

Funny...how no "Work" got done there in over 3 years.......except he DID end up having one of the MOST impressive beer can collections in the North Eastern U.S. !

I wanted SO desperatly for him to Just say ..."YES , IV'E BEEN DRINKING"
But he would always lie .......
or get this.....sometimes he would make the "grand confession" ...but he would lie about HOW MUCH he drank.
He would say (when questioned)...."I'm sorry ..yes I did drink...but it was only 2 beers" (it turned out to be 10 -12 beers...but hey..who's counting - right?!)

I wanted to know that "HE KNEW THAT I KNEW"....

I also HATE liars....and every time he would lie about his drinking......I would get so angry at him....almost more angry at the lie ..than the drinking.....almost.

All I can say is ....thank goodness I finally had the clarity to ask myself
" Did I want to be right .....or did I want to be happy "

Of course I wanted both.....and I found out that I was not going to get either one by asking HIM if he had been drinking.

I DID get both....By detaching from HIS problem...and trusting what I already knew - that he was an alcoholic & he was going to drink !

By working on myself ...I am HAPPY (or at least happier) ....and by trusting myself....I am "Right" (or at least I don't have to have my perceptions validated through HIM)

IT IS A STRUGGLE......and old habits die hard........but I am working on it.



Thanks for letting me share....
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Old 10-22-2004, 02:22 PM
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For me - it was a lot like you describe. I always thought of it as needing some sort of validation. I did need to be right - and I needed for AH to know it. I needed his family and friends to see that I was right - and I needed to feel that my feelings were justified.
You know what's sad, I still find myself doing that very thing even now that we've seperated. Of course, it's different now in some ways, but it still comes to the same thing.
Crazy, huh?

I'm happy that you see things in a new light now though. It should make it easier for you to progress on with your life. Sometimes we can most the most simple things so hard. (lol)
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Old 10-23-2004, 02:56 AM
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Hi, I relate to so much of what you say and so much of what other responders had to say, too. Do you think we want them to admit that they're drinking, not so much because that makes us right as that it makes us feel that we're justified in feeling wronged? Does that make sense? Guess that's just what Standing Strong said.

I know my husband is not only lying to me, he's lying to himself, too. Our hardware store is right next to the bar, too! And, mine, too will say "Yes, I stopped, but I only had one beer!" I know better - but he needs to justify it to himself.

I find that wanting to be right is something I struggle with in more situations than just my husband's drinking. It is something that I have struggled with all my life, when I think about it. It is still important to me today. I do try to make an effort nowdays though, to determine whether it does anyone else any good to KNOW that I am right (pointing out that THEY are wrong!) or if it's good enough just to know it myself. And I come away most of the time feeling better if I haven't pointed out that I am right, and they are wrong. It's okay if I know it!

There are times when it's much more important to do the thing that needs to be done instead of pointing out that we were right. What I find inspirational is that the things we learn in Al-Anon about control, choices, attitude, letting go - everything - can be used to help us in all the situations in our lives, not just in dealing with our alcoholic. That, maybe, is the silver lining in our gray clouds- we're learning skills to help us deal with all kinds of things that we might not have learned if it hadn't been for Al-Anon and people that we meet because of a negative situation in our lives.

And we're much more open to learn how to cope if we don't always have to be right. When my daughter was in 2nd or 3rd grade, she got something less than an A on her report card and I commented to her teacher at conferences about that grade. She usually got exceptionally good grades and she expected that out of herself. So when I told the teacher I was surprised about that grade, she pointed out to me that it was more important that she had learned something in that class than that she got an A. That was an interesting concept for me, and one I've remembered since then. Sometimes we learn more when we have to struggle to find the answer.

Anyway, I'm glad that you've had an epiphany about being right. Good luck to you!

SJW
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Old 10-24-2004, 10:35 AM
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The one liner THAT always works for me when I want to push 25 into 12 is

Do I want to be right or be happy!.

I used to need to be right no matter what. Today, thank you alanon, I have tools that work for me. One liners I can remember when the chaos starts and the committee in my head starts driving me to insanity. For me it is insanity for me to get into someone else's business. They will either drink or not. Use or not and I must only be responsible for my life one minute at a time. If I extending energy into proving I am right when all I am really doing is making someone else defensive, that is time and energy I am not putting into my life.

I hope that makes sense. I hope you celebrate your new insight and write it in your journal if you keep one. It's so neat to go back and re-read about baby steps. Because for me recovery is always baby steps.
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