herculana

Ive had a very unusual life compared to many of my peers, and its too much to go into right now, but...

I have trouble with PLANNING. Always have.

Plans feel to my spirit and mind to be tyrannical.
(that would make a great book title, THE TYRANNY OF PLANS.)

They have always felt to be scary and weighty... and the perfect trap for me to be a failure.


Even when I was a dedicated yogi I was tyrannized by my own mind to make sure to do yoga every day.

If I did yoga one day, I was a sucesss, if I didnt do yoga on another day, I felt guilt.

The in-between doing and not doing, and the decision place of when and how I choose it what I do or dont do... Is a blurry place within me that I do not quite understand.

Here is my plan so far:

No more weddings for the next 4 months
(but thats weird, because it was good that I went to the wedding, Wish I didnt drink. But I am not going to beat up on myself for that. My relationship is stronger because I showed up for Thomas. It absolutely IS stronger, and that feel like a huge win).

No more social engagements for the next four months.

Reinstate yoga and meditation into my life TODAY. Make it a daily commitment.

Gratitude list daily.

Spiritual reading daily.

I was going to post here and in my other group EVERY day... But I dont know if thats realistic... Would love feedback on that one.

Thanks.

herculana

And in the past three months Ive gone to 2 AA meetings.

I am OPEN to going to AA meetings more in the future.

I want more sober time before I go to another one. Its far too intense for me in the early days.

Please understand that I grew up in AA. My whole family are AA folks. I love it because it feels like home, and I have some heavy baggage around it, too.

Poppy79

Sounds like a great plan. I find myself reading and posting on here multiple times a day since my recent 'blip'. I find comfort in knowing that everyone on this site understands this battle is really hard at times.
I had 260 wins and 1 loss recently. I keep telling myself I'm only human and I will mess up but it scares me to fail. I don't like failing at anything.
You sound a bit like me and most people on here, all or nothing outlook. Success or failure. No in between.... but I am finding there is in between. A lot of it.
That is awesome that you can see a positive out of a negative experience with your partner and you becoming stronger
Sounds like you are thinking properly and being kind to yourself. Keep it up.

herculana

Thank you, and ... I hope we see one another here often!

ReadyAtLast

Posting on here daily and reading many times a day really helps me. I have a busy life, work, family, friends but I desperately need time for me. alone every day. It keeps me sane. Being around others drains me physically and mentally.

Balance is so important in recovery and in life.

Poppy79

I'm sure we will I slowed down visiting this site in the lead up to my 'blip'. Not letting that happen again.
I never know what comment/post on here will resonate with me but a few of yours have over the last week. I don't feel like I am going through this battle alone when there are others across the globe going through the same battle, in very similar circumstances to myself. So thank you for posting. You have helped me

Berrybean

Reading and posting here daily has definitely helped me, as well as AS with the 12-step program (prayers, inventory making, working with other alcoholics in recovery, spiritual seeking).
I also found listening to AA speakers on whichever step I am focussing on to be helpful as well, esp on days I couldn't make it to a meeting. I downloaded them onto a cheap little mp3 player and listened to them on my commute. I downloaded them from this site (it's free and you don't have to register or anything) https://www.recoveryaudio.org/

BB

Time2Rise

Below is a quick and simple short term plan that I use. I understand what you mean about having a plan and feeling guilt about failing to live up to it. That is a very real and common experience when it comes to using plans. But this is just a simple tool (among many), so I don't think failure to use it all the time is a big deal. Maybe it's something you can use:

Short Term Plan:

The next time I consider drinking, I will stop whatever I’m doing and do a quick mindful meditation (or urge surfing) until the desire subsides. I will also remind myself that I no longer drink and that the cravings will pass and while they are uncomfortable they will not hurt me.

BTW, I think the rest of your plan is solid, but try not to be too distressed if you fail to live up to every component tent of the plan.

tealily

Herc,

I am no expert, but I can share my point of view.

I too would have gone to the wedding. I know plenty of people would advise otherwise, because it would be a temptation early on.

But I guess I don't see a wedding as a drinking occasion. More of a family and religious one. I just don't associate it with getting hammered. Never did. It seems it was a great opportunity for you to connect with your boyfriends' family and friends.

The problem came when you decided to put your hands around a glass (or bottle) and drink. That's the moment of truth, the crux. Not being around people, or at a social event. That's life.

But if you are not drinking alcohol anymore, if you are choosing a better life, you DON'T DRINK. Whether you are anxious, nervous, excited, happy, sad, worried, overwhelmed or not.

I would probably decline going out to a bar specifically to drink, or a tasting at a winery, but other than that, I don't have any "no-go's" as far as events go.

I see not drinking as MY choice, and in my control, not anything to do with the people or occasion around me.

I've been to my book club, where people drink wine, been out for celebratory dinners. I don't feel the need to cut myself off from family and friends. The thing that has changed is:

**I don't drink alcohol.**

I know that sounds simplistic, but it seems that simple to me. I'm still going to family gatherings. I'm still in a book club. I'm still going to go out with girlfriends for coffee or hors d'ouvres or dinner. We are still going to have cookouts.

**I just don't drink alcohol.**

I really don't have a formal "plan". I know that's recommended, but I'm being honest.

The extent of my plan is that

--I don't and won't BUY alcohol. (if my husband wants it, he can get it). I don't order when I'm out. I'm not going to touch it or put it up to my lips and am not going to swallow.

--I'm coming here a lot, I will confess, because as a writer myself, putting my thoughts and problems and challenges into words helps me. And hearing others' stories, and pitfalls and problems, helps me figure out how to stay the course as well. Helping others, and getting out of my own head all the time, helps me.

--I'm reminding myself, every day, about the benefits I'm gaining from not drinking, and using that to reinforce my decision.

--I'm reflecting and remembering all the angst, misery and damage I caused myself and others by drinking (even if it was just by omission) and how I don't want that anymore.

--I remind myself that cravings or urges to drink are only thoughts, and I don't have to act on them.

I'm so happy that your new relationship is so solid and promising. I encourage you to remember and realize -- I know you know it intellectually -- that it has a much better chance to keep going strong if you don't drink.

In my experience, heavy drinking undermines every relationship. Every thing.

You can't be your best self.
It does NOTHING but harm.

Rambling a bit, but wanted to reach out to you in honesty. You know I'm wishing all the best for you.

xo

t

herculana

No, its ALL helpful. All of you. Thank you. I am taking it all in.

I have diagnosed acute anxiety. I have been to the emergency room 3 times in my life (as an adult) because of panic attacks that were so acute, I thought I was literally going to DIE.

The only thing, I know this, the only thing that is going to help me is yoga and meditation and I have been putting it off for YEARS (I used to do it every day for years, and it solved the problem completely).

Yeah, my trigger is always stress or anxiety.

So I am thinking that the only truly effective way to work on my sobriety is to go to the root and "massage" those bad reactors with the medicine that helps best for me, which is reinstating my yoga and meditation practice and making it fundamental... ALONG with major involvement in this group and my other group.

Daily gratitude lists ALWAYS help me in a major way, but, go figure, I never "feel" like doing them. Insanity. I know it helps me and I still try to get out of doing them.

So I am going to commit to doing them.

I dont go to parties or major celebrations much at all, anyway. I stopped going to bars many years ago (because they led to some of the worst nights of my life).

My family doesnt drink, and my boyfriend rarely drinks, and WONT drink if I ask him to abstain at least around me.

I have not discussed this much, but I do have a friend who I sincerely love... she is my only friend in SF (all the rest have moved away)... and she lives close by.

I have had to put up some major and painful boundaries with her because she is very addicted to drama and stress and extremely negative. Shes one of those people who every single time we meet or talk on the phone there is a new horrible chaotic drama exploding in her life. There is more often than not crying, yelling, profanity, mentions of suicide... Its too much for me. And its been going on for well over a year.

She doesnt know how to live better. She really has very little practice living her life differently... But its proven to be a major trigger for me to drink if I am around her. Its exhausting to be her support. Ive told her several times to see a therapist (she has zero experience in therapy).

I explained to her recently that I need to take care of my self right now, and that it will mean that I wont see her or talk to her very much.


So that is a part of my "plan" which I have taken care of now. I need to seriously limit my interactions with people whose energy is a trigger for me.

My mom can be a trigger, but thats far more complicated. Shes mentally ill and she actually does need me. I also happen to live her very much, and desire to be there for her in her later years (shes 78).

Thanks again. I am getting a clearer picture of how I need to come at sobriety this time around.

Maudcat

Sounds good, herculana.
Just stay on the sober bus.
You got this.

Anna

It sounds good, Herculana. Motivation is the key.

You said no social engagements for 4 months, but there are lots of social activities that don't involve alcohol. Hopefully you can still go out and have fun sometimes.

Dee74

I have trouble with planning too.
But a recovery plan is essential IMO.

A recovery plan is about you thinking about your drinking, why you drink, where you drink and how you drink - and devising strategies and support for the next time you find yourself in those situations or feeling those feelings.

The changes you'll need to make to lifestyle, problem solving and ideas of fun reward and entitlement come into a plan too.

It's kinda like a self written Lonely Planet guide for the unfamiliar territory of being sober

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

D

Berrybean

You say you are going to AA. Does this mean you have a sponsor and are working the steps, or is this something you are considering for the future?

I had to chuckle when I read the bit about finding it hard to actually sit down and make a gratitude list. I am the same, and often, when anxiety (fear - not something that comes from God) is rattling around inside me, that is when I can be most resistant to prayer. I was heartened to hear a Bishop talking about orayr at the weekend saying that procrastination can be a problem for him when aiming to sit and pray in the mornings. Finding willingness to do what I need rather than what I want is always a tricky area for me, but I have learned that the sooner I focus on God's will rather than my own, the sooner I will find peace.

You talk about your much loved elderly mother being a 'trigger'. And an unavoidable one. It sometimes helps me to pinpoint what about a person or situation makes them triggering for me. One tool I use for this is a kind of inventory, in the form of a prayer for humility that I adapted from a Catholic Litany which I heard once...

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire (think ego here!)of being:
admired,
loved,
praised,
favoured,
accepted,
consulted,
well known,
and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised,
ridiculed,
humiliated,
falsely accused,
persecuted,
disbelieved,
despised,
and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.

So, if I need to call my father (who has been quite triggering for me in the past and continues to threaten my serenity if I don't do work around my interactions with him) I tend to feel a little jangley beforehand. As I read down the prayer, usually certain words will jar with me. Almost causing anger, or stress. Then I know that this, IN ME, is my trigger. Not the person, situation or thing. But my learnt response, which needs (over time perhaps, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) to be unlearn, and a more useful reaction put in its place.

So, if for example it is fear of being criticised and falsely accused, then that is the specific area that I try to work on, but sometimes just recognising that is where the jangley old fear is coming from is enough to make it less threatening and triggering to me. Some of the things that come up most frequently from this prayer have then been things that I have collected other prayers about. So, for this example I'd probably then go to the Do It Anyway prayer...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

Anyway. I hope you keep posting and working your plan.

BB

Poppy79

Wow BB. Powerful post. I'm stumped for words here and just needed to say thank you even though it wasn't actually directed at me per say. But it was sort of, we are all here for the same reason. To be helped and to help others.
Thank you x

Berrybean

Hugs to you Poppy x

tealily

Same from me, BB. Wow, thank you for sharing.

BixBees505

This is a really beautiful thread from OP through all responses. I, too am really appreciative of the practical and yet meaningful issues presented AND tools/approaches shared. I have made extensive notes!

Thanks to all.

Edit: one comment from my own experience with plans...
I understand Herculana's resistance to the "tyranny". I now accept and try to seriously accommodate my need for variety day to day. Variety is HARD for me to fit in, due to my isolated location combined with the long hours and energy demanded by my work. But if I don't treat variety as medicine for my mental health, my frustration and boredom and loneliness will become threat to my sobriety at some point. I'm still working on this, myself.

Mizzuno

In regards to a plan, I had to make it functional for me and work towards how I wanted to spend my time. It went and still goes like this:

Wake up and drink coffee. Log onto SR and read. Participate.
Gym
Work
After work I come home and eat. Dinner is important as my work is physically and mentally demanding.
Take a bath to wash off the energy of the day.
Couch time. Netflix and SR or reading.
Bedtime.
Rinse and Repeat.

After weeks of this conscious plan I am able to do this daily without thinking about it. It has become habit.

When the weekends roll around, I do the same but with chores around the house and longer runs. I relax. On Saturdays, I take up a lot of space on the couch.

It has and will continue to work.

tealily

Just want to amend and add to my earlier post above, especially after reading Dee's and others' comments.

When I said I don't really have a "formal plan", I think I was trying to get the point across that I'm seeing it as a pretty straightforward, simple equation, when it's boiled down: I'm just not going to drink.

I am pretty new to the recovery world, and don't know all the language for it yet. I guess I do have a plan.

Dee said: "A recovery plan is about you thinking about your drinking, why you drink, where you drink and how you drink - and devising strategies and support for the next time you find yourself in those situations or feeling those feelings." And I have been doing that. So I guess I do have a plan.

I'm not buying alcohol, ever. I'm not ordering it out, ever. I'm avoiding even handling a bottle of wine. I WILL NOT pour it, put it up to my lips or swallow.

If I have cravings, I know they are just thoughts.

I distract myself, with healthy things. I go for a walk, I stay busy, I count blessings, I itemize my improved life, I eat chocolate, I drink tea.

What's nice is that it's not as all-consuming a thought process as it was in the first few days/weeks. I'm hopeful it will continue to be less and less.

It definitely has been different this time around, after trying to quit and/or moderate countless times before. Something has clicked, where I realize I was making it too complicated before. I'm just better off in EVERY way without alcohol in my life.

I just won't drink, no matter what the emotion, or the circumstances. Not when I'm stressed, not when I'm anxious, not when I'm happy. Not alone, not in a crowd. Not at a wedding, not in an airport, not in my house.

Hahaha, typing that out makes me someone needs to write a Dr. Suess-ish Green Eggs and Ham style story about not drinking.

I do not drink wine, beer or booze.
I will not drink them, so I choose.

I will not drink them in the house,
I will not drink them with a mouse.
I will not drink wine, booze or beer,
I will not drink them, that is clear.

I will not drink them in a bar.
I will not drink them in a car.
I will not drink ANY wine,
I will not drink it, any time.

OK enough of that!

After Berrybean's eloquent prayer suggestions above, the quality of discourse is sinking fast!