Had a wonderful dinner with SO's family... Ending of Day 1
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Had a wonderful dinner with SO's family... Ending of Day 1
His mother offered to order me some sake, and I turned it down. I drank tea with the rest of them. Ate some of the best sushi Ive had in years.
We all chatted about the wedding.
I love his family, and they seem to be super pleased to see us as a unit. I sensed their warm approval.
I think they are happy to see Tom happy, and I think they like me.
Its been years since Ive had to face parents of a boyfriend! LOL.
My last long term relationship was with someone who was 10 years older than me, and his parents had already both passed when we got together.
In my 20's I always made a great impression on parents, it was a cinch for me.
I felt less confident meeting parents in my 40's and being 8 years older than Thomas.
But his mother doesnt care... She herself is 10 years older than her husband, and was around the same age as I am now when she began dating him.
She just giggles about it.
Was I tempted for even a second when the sake was offered? YES. For a split second I was.
But I said NO almost in a knee jerk way.
It was off the table for me.
Small win.
Its been a rough week.
I just ended it right.
That feels good.
We all chatted about the wedding.
I love his family, and they seem to be super pleased to see us as a unit. I sensed their warm approval.
I think they are happy to see Tom happy, and I think they like me.
Its been years since Ive had to face parents of a boyfriend! LOL.
My last long term relationship was with someone who was 10 years older than me, and his parents had already both passed when we got together.
In my 20's I always made a great impression on parents, it was a cinch for me.
I felt less confident meeting parents in my 40's and being 8 years older than Thomas.
But his mother doesnt care... She herself is 10 years older than her husband, and was around the same age as I am now when she began dating him.
She just giggles about it.
Was I tempted for even a second when the sake was offered? YES. For a split second I was.
But I said NO almost in a knee jerk way.
It was off the table for me.
Small win.
Its been a rough week.
I just ended it right.
That feels good.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I hope you take my comments in the spirit they are meant.
You didn't want to go to a wedding where there would be alcohol and you were anxious. You didn'tn want to say no to your partner and his family so went and had a drink.
On day 1 you went for a meal where there was alcohol and you were offered it. You did great saying no but putting ourselves in these situations really early on is definitely not something I could do.
Even if I didn't drink just being around it and being tempted by it so early on is just too challenging and unnecessary. I have learned how to say no to invites and that I am allowed to put myself first.
It's great your partner and his family like and accept you but please put yourself and your needs first.
You didn't want to go to a wedding where there would be alcohol and you were anxious. You didn'tn want to say no to your partner and his family so went and had a drink.
On day 1 you went for a meal where there was alcohol and you were offered it. You did great saying no but putting ourselves in these situations really early on is definitely not something I could do.
Even if I didn't drink just being around it and being tempted by it so early on is just too challenging and unnecessary. I have learned how to say no to invites and that I am allowed to put myself first.
It's great your partner and his family like and accept you but please put yourself and your needs first.
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Well, I am learning as I go.
I am planning on keeping ALL social invitations off the table for at least one month now, possibly two.
This time I wanted badly to cancel BOTH events. BELIEVE ME.
But... There is also damage control.
My boyfriend is having to put up with his girlfriend being sober, and he is being a total CHAMP with my mood swings and my need to be really selfish right now.
He doesnt quite understand because he's never encountered this lifestyle change before with anyone close to him, and he himself is not an addict.
But ... He is trying.
We are both trying.
I am trying to be a good enough communicator through this so he CAN understand the space I need.
He is trying to not push me into situations I am feeling really vulnerable about.
But... He really doesnt totally get how HUGE this is.... Becoming sober.
I think he, like millions of others unfamiliar with recovery, doesnt quite "get" why I am not suddenly all better because I am not hungover.
"youre not hungover. You should be totally fine now!" (he doesnt say THAT, but I am pretty sure thats how his mind usually works)
I love him in my life. I do not want this relationship to go south. I want to show effort.
I had a very hard decision to make about the wedding and being around his family the day after.
Old me would have canceled, not to stay sober, but to get away from my social anxiety. I would have disappointed my SO and I would have been selfish for the wrong reasons.
I know its not ideal the way I did it.
I plan on not doing this again for a long time.
Today I am not hungover.
Ive read these posts to my SO and the more I do that, the more he seems to understand how to navigate alongside me.
I am planning on keeping ALL social invitations off the table for at least one month now, possibly two.
This time I wanted badly to cancel BOTH events. BELIEVE ME.
But... There is also damage control.
My boyfriend is having to put up with his girlfriend being sober, and he is being a total CHAMP with my mood swings and my need to be really selfish right now.
He doesnt quite understand because he's never encountered this lifestyle change before with anyone close to him, and he himself is not an addict.
But ... He is trying.
We are both trying.
I am trying to be a good enough communicator through this so he CAN understand the space I need.
He is trying to not push me into situations I am feeling really vulnerable about.
But... He really doesnt totally get how HUGE this is.... Becoming sober.
I think he, like millions of others unfamiliar with recovery, doesnt quite "get" why I am not suddenly all better because I am not hungover.
"youre not hungover. You should be totally fine now!" (he doesnt say THAT, but I am pretty sure thats how his mind usually works)
I love him in my life. I do not want this relationship to go south. I want to show effort.
I had a very hard decision to make about the wedding and being around his family the day after.
Old me would have canceled, not to stay sober, but to get away from my social anxiety. I would have disappointed my SO and I would have been selfish for the wrong reasons.
I know its not ideal the way I did it.
I plan on not doing this again for a long time.
Today I am not hungover.
Ive read these posts to my SO and the more I do that, the more he seems to understand how to navigate alongside me.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Thank you for not taking my comments harshly. I re-read and hope they don't sound unfair.
It is really difficult isn't it. I totally get the social anxiety too. Even when I had a good deal of sober time I still had social anxiety but learned that that's just the way I am. I used to cover it with drinking but without the alcohol it was so wow out there
I accept that's just the way I am now. We don't all need to be or want to be the life and soul of the party and that is fine.
It's great that your SO is supportive. It's hard for 'normal' drinkers to understand. They just don't but they don't need to imo, as long as he is supportive they don't need to 'get' it.
Congrats on day 2
It is really difficult isn't it. I totally get the social anxiety too. Even when I had a good deal of sober time I still had social anxiety but learned that that's just the way I am. I used to cover it with drinking but without the alcohol it was so wow out there
I accept that's just the way I am now. We don't all need to be or want to be the life and soul of the party and that is fine. It's great that your SO is supportive. It's hard for 'normal' drinkers to understand. They just don't but they don't need to imo, as long as he is supportive they don't need to 'get' it.
Congrats on day 2
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