Walking away from an alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
Walking away from an alcoholic boyfriend
We have been together for nearly 7 years. Planning a life together. Helped him buy a cabin and making it financially easier for him to do so. His drinking increased substantially as did the verbal abuse. (he has destroyed several relationships in the process))
I have walked the typical path of trying to help, making suggestions, trying to get him into treatment (of which he has twice) but drinks through the process. Lots of empty promises.
I finally kicked him out a year ago, as his drinking and verbal abuse was out of control and I discovered he had a "secret" girlfriend who he justified as being nice while I was mean and he had fun with her, while I only complained about his drinking. etc...
He was devastated to not have a place to live and drank himself into the hospital, of which he denies having anything to do with alcohol. His siblings have nothing to do with him, he is estranged from his parents and his kids have anger and addiction issues as well.
Finally after a lot of heart ache, verbal abuse, cheating, pleading with me. I agreed with the conditions of sobriety, active involvement with treatment and couple counseling...I would "let us try again".
This worked for 2 months and he has been "slipping" every two weeks and denying it. I keep calling him on it and bringing up that he is still using and has contacted this woman again. He of course feels shame and doesn't want to talk about it. Saying that I never let it go and he won't be with someone that never gets over anything and makes him pay for it over and over again. I've said that I let the past go, but the behavior doesn't change. He finally said that I am hurting him too much and he can't be with me anymore, calling me names etc. (excuse me? I am hurting him?)
I am otherwise a very stable person, but his man brings out such emotion in me, he aims well below the belt in verbal harm, going deeper and deeper until I respond and then in my emotional reaction, I am the crazy one.
I am going to Al Anon and will continue to do so. But trying to talk with him is crazy making and now all that I endured, he thinks I'm the one with issues. I had such a hard time walking away, for reasons I don't yet understand. I hung in there with him, and now he leaves me. I feel the fool. The fool for staying, the fool for trying, the fool for believing in him. I now feel humiliated for not leaving him and waiting for him to do this to me. I gave him the power to hurt me.
I need to walk away, not look back and continue with Al Anon. But since AlAnon doesn't give advice, I am wondering if there is anyone with insight that may help me well and truly let go and go forward in a healthy way. To not feel ashamed for being the "nag" and waiting until such a sick person leave me. Sometimes I wonder about now having self respect. Thanks for listening and I hope someone out there reads this and learns to take care of themselves before enduring such pain. Thanks
I have walked the typical path of trying to help, making suggestions, trying to get him into treatment (of which he has twice) but drinks through the process. Lots of empty promises.
I finally kicked him out a year ago, as his drinking and verbal abuse was out of control and I discovered he had a "secret" girlfriend who he justified as being nice while I was mean and he had fun with her, while I only complained about his drinking. etc...
He was devastated to not have a place to live and drank himself into the hospital, of which he denies having anything to do with alcohol. His siblings have nothing to do with him, he is estranged from his parents and his kids have anger and addiction issues as well.
Finally after a lot of heart ache, verbal abuse, cheating, pleading with me. I agreed with the conditions of sobriety, active involvement with treatment and couple counseling...I would "let us try again".
This worked for 2 months and he has been "slipping" every two weeks and denying it. I keep calling him on it and bringing up that he is still using and has contacted this woman again. He of course feels shame and doesn't want to talk about it. Saying that I never let it go and he won't be with someone that never gets over anything and makes him pay for it over and over again. I've said that I let the past go, but the behavior doesn't change. He finally said that I am hurting him too much and he can't be with me anymore, calling me names etc. (excuse me? I am hurting him?)
I am otherwise a very stable person, but his man brings out such emotion in me, he aims well below the belt in verbal harm, going deeper and deeper until I respond and then in my emotional reaction, I am the crazy one.
I am going to Al Anon and will continue to do so. But trying to talk with him is crazy making and now all that I endured, he thinks I'm the one with issues. I had such a hard time walking away, for reasons I don't yet understand. I hung in there with him, and now he leaves me. I feel the fool. The fool for staying, the fool for trying, the fool for believing in him. I now feel humiliated for not leaving him and waiting for him to do this to me. I gave him the power to hurt me.
I need to walk away, not look back and continue with Al Anon. But since AlAnon doesn't give advice, I am wondering if there is anyone with insight that may help me well and truly let go and go forward in a healthy way. To not feel ashamed for being the "nag" and waiting until such a sick person leave me. Sometimes I wonder about now having self respect. Thanks for listening and I hope someone out there reads this and learns to take care of themselves before enduring such pain. Thanks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
Thanks D...
As time separates the last "big" event, I am feeling stronger. Last year, it took me down for weeks. He has already sent a message that he loves me and sorry........ with little recollection of actions.
I just wrote back that health is in sobriety and I don't want to hear from him until he is walking in sobriety. Of course, insulted ensued, name calling, threats, etc..... It won't be the last I hear from him.
One day at a time. My son took me aside and told me that I"m not the same woman that raised him, that I have let this man squelch my spirit. That is so very sad, that I have let this happen, fallen prey to the insanity and tried to live and make sense of it.
It gets to a point where one can identify with trying to save a drowning person and how awful it is to let go, instead of save them. Heart wrenching to say the least. My effort is to listen to the people that love and care about me in a healthy way and trust that letting go of this relationship will bring me strength I forgot I had. Thanks for listening.
As time separates the last "big" event, I am feeling stronger. Last year, it took me down for weeks. He has already sent a message that he loves me and sorry........ with little recollection of actions.
I just wrote back that health is in sobriety and I don't want to hear from him until he is walking in sobriety. Of course, insulted ensued, name calling, threats, etc..... It won't be the last I hear from him.
One day at a time. My son took me aside and told me that I"m not the same woman that raised him, that I have let this man squelch my spirit. That is so very sad, that I have let this happen, fallen prey to the insanity and tried to live and make sense of it.
It gets to a point where one can identify with trying to save a drowning person and how awful it is to let go, instead of save them. Heart wrenching to say the least. My effort is to listen to the people that love and care about me in a healthy way and trust that letting go of this relationship will bring me strength I forgot I had. Thanks for listening.
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