How do you trust again
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
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How do you trust again
Long story short my AH is in recovery he hasn't had a drink since May. We have to make a decision soon about the living situation for the school year. Sometimes I just want to be alone because its a lot easier and I am peaceful, Then sometimes I feel that if I want this to work out then I need to try. I honestly don't really know what I want at this point and part of that is because I have no idea where to go from here. I have no idea how to rebuild trust with someone who has hurt me so badly. Do I have to be all in before starting to rebuild trust or does that responsibility fall on him? I feel like it should fall on him but is that healthy?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
viola, the only thing I can offer you is to say that you don't owe him anything. Your decision must be based on what you want for your life. This, to me, says it all:
That speaks to exactly where I am. If XAH got sober right this second and came w/an ironclad guarantee to stay that way forever, I don't think I'd want to marry him again. I am free, I am peaceful, I have no one to consider besides my dogs and myself. No one to justify things to. No one to accommodate. Ultimate flexibility to eat what I want when I want, get up and go to bed when I please, clean the house or let the dog hair pile up into drifts. I no longer feel incomplete on my own.
I did not feel this way in the early days of being single again. I wondered if/how we'd get together again. I wondered how I'd trust him if that happened. I spent a lot of time future-tripping. But eventually that faded away, as did the pain, anger, loneliness, feelings of betrayal and feelings that he OWED me for what he'd all done.
And when all that was pushed aside, what did I see? Well, one HUGE thing I saw was my part in all that had gone down--not in the sense that I caused the drinking, but in the sense of how my expectations and behaviors helped to drive the sickness and insanity of it all. I also saw that I was actually pretty happy on my own. XAH and I do talk via phone regularly. He comes for coffee a couple times a month and has done things like bring his drill over to put up curtain rods for me. We are pleasant to each other in the way of old friends who are not as close as they once were but who try to honor what they had while acknowledging the reality of how it is now.
To be totally honest, I think we are BOTH much happier now than when we were married. He still drinks, but in the intervening time span, I've come to firmly believe that the alcoholism takes a back seat to an ADD-type issue. He is unwilling to address either problem, though, and that is his right, just as it's my right to choose not to live w/those problems.
I'm just over 2 years divorced, and I can tell you, I NEVER EVER believed I'd feel like I do now--not in regards to XAH, not in regards to my own life. It's not all rainbows and bunnies. It's not like I never get riled or worried. But there is a sense of a firm floor of peace and strength underfoot, and that makes everything else possible.
That rambled a bit, but I hope there is something useful in it for you. My short message would probably be something like this: If you're worrying about how to trust him again, it's probably not the right thing to do--maybe just not now, maybe not ever. It's not about HIM and what he does or doesn't do--it's about YOU and what you want.
Sometimes I just want to be alone because its a lot easier and I am peaceful,
I did not feel this way in the early days of being single again. I wondered if/how we'd get together again. I wondered how I'd trust him if that happened. I spent a lot of time future-tripping. But eventually that faded away, as did the pain, anger, loneliness, feelings of betrayal and feelings that he OWED me for what he'd all done.
And when all that was pushed aside, what did I see? Well, one HUGE thing I saw was my part in all that had gone down--not in the sense that I caused the drinking, but in the sense of how my expectations and behaviors helped to drive the sickness and insanity of it all. I also saw that I was actually pretty happy on my own. XAH and I do talk via phone regularly. He comes for coffee a couple times a month and has done things like bring his drill over to put up curtain rods for me. We are pleasant to each other in the way of old friends who are not as close as they once were but who try to honor what they had while acknowledging the reality of how it is now.
To be totally honest, I think we are BOTH much happier now than when we were married. He still drinks, but in the intervening time span, I've come to firmly believe that the alcoholism takes a back seat to an ADD-type issue. He is unwilling to address either problem, though, and that is his right, just as it's my right to choose not to live w/those problems.
I'm just over 2 years divorced, and I can tell you, I NEVER EVER believed I'd feel like I do now--not in regards to XAH, not in regards to my own life. It's not all rainbows and bunnies. It's not like I never get riled or worried. But there is a sense of a firm floor of peace and strength underfoot, and that makes everything else possible.
That rambled a bit, but I hope there is something useful in it for you. My short message would probably be something like this: If you're worrying about how to trust him again, it's probably not the right thing to do--maybe just not now, maybe not ever. It's not about HIM and what he does or doesn't do--it's about YOU and what you want.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
may to july is THREE MONTHS.
you've been with this man for TWENTY YEARS.
which narrative have you lived the longest and know the best? you just moved out, got settled, got some peace. don't give that up for the moon. he CANNOT be trusted. drinking is not his only problem.
you've been with this man for TWENTY YEARS.
which narrative have you lived the longest and know the best? you just moved out, got settled, got some peace. don't give that up for the moon. he CANNOT be trusted. drinking is not his only problem.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by viola71 
Long story short my AH is in recovery he hasn't had a drink since May. We have to make a decision soon about the living situation for the school year. Sometimes I just want to be alone because its a lot easier and I am peaceful, Then sometimes I feel that if I want this to work out then I need to try. I honestly don't really know what I want at this point and part of that is because I have no idea where to go from here. I have no idea how to rebuild trust with someone who has hurt me so badly. Do I have to be all in before starting to rebuild trust or does that responsibility fall on him? I feel like it should fall on him but is that healthy?
I have blogged previously on this and too have been hurt badly. It can feel like your life is limbo. I guess the degree of hurt and pain will guide your course foward. Try not to fear the future and if you (and I !!!) Can do this our lives will be much easier and enjoyable 😀
Stay strong and take care
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think that you don't need to have all the answers right now. You've been married for 20 years to this person, and in an earlier post you said you met when you were 17 - that's a really long time, and if you've only been separated for three months, you may still be getting used to the huge changes in your life. I think it is okay to say "for now, I want to continue living on my own". Maybe you will feel the same way in six months. Maybe not. It is not unreasonable to expect your husband to be patient while you wait to see if his sobriety is long-term or if he's going to start drinking again, and while you are in the process of figuring out you really want to continue in the marriage. These things take time.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I categorically trust my mother, my sisters, my daughter, and my female friends and co-workers.
I don't think I'll ever trust a woman to whom I am emotionally/physically attracted. Ever. Being attracted to them is my first clue they are not to be trusted.
Having said that, the first person I need to learn to trust is me.
Cyranoak
I don't think I'll ever trust a woman to whom I am emotionally/physically attracted. Ever. Being attracted to them is my first clue they are not to be trusted.
Having said that, the first person I need to learn to trust is me.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by viola71
Long story short my AH is in recovery he hasn't had a drink since May. We have to make a decision soon about the living situation for the school year. Sometimes I just want to be alone because its a lot easier and I am peaceful, Then sometimes I feel that if I want this to work out then I need to try. I honestly don't really know what I want at this point and part of that is because I have no idea where to go from here. I have no idea how to rebuild trust with someone who has hurt me so badly. Do I have to be all in before starting to rebuild trust or does that responsibility fall on him? I feel like it should fall on him but is that healthy?
In your post there was a comment about not knowing what you want and resting in the peace and quiet. So maybe you need some more time to do this? I would suggest thinking long term health for yourself and your marriage versus rushing things just to be under one roof.
Im not advising one way or another.. but Im in a bit of the same place and have been apart from my husband for a few months now while I get myself together and try to figure things out. We have been seeing each other on a regular basis and he has been rebuilding my trust slowly. Im at a place now where Im asking myself, am I ready to be back with him under the same roof and just move forward? Or do I need more time?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Originally Posted by viola71
Long story short my AH is in recovery he hasn't had a drink since May. We have to make a decision soon about the living situation for the school year. Sometimes I just want to be alone because its a lot easier and I am peaceful, Then sometimes I feel that if I want this to work out then I need to try. I honestly don't really know what I want at this point and part of that is because I have no idea where to go from here. I have no idea how to rebuild trust with someone who has hurt me so badly. Do I have to be all in before starting to rebuild trust or does that responsibility fall on him? I feel like it should fall on him but is that healthy?
The trust I have wavers constantly depending on how I am feeling and my recent interactions which keep proving to me that my heart feels safer while I am removed from thinking about his drama.
My thoughts on the future also fluctuate depending on mood/sleep/weather and so many other things that it's hard to let go of trying to predict how things may become. Trying to take it slowly, I need time for recovery and reflection too and relaxing, no need to make any big descisions immediately about things that take time.
Hugs and peace
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I have struggled with trust for years. I just don't know where I stand on it.
Short story. She drank 6 years. She slept with best friend for 6 months. She tried to kill herself. Been sober since Sept 2009. We separated just prior to that (I kicked her out) and took her back in Jan 2010.
Do I trust her? No. She betrayed my trust sleeping with him. I will never allow myself to trust her that way again. Do I trust she is sober. Yes. She found her God and leans on him for strength.
I just had to come to terms with things and how much of a role trust played in if I wanted to be with her. Not trusting her is more of a protective measure. If I don't let myself trust her in theory if she hurts me again it won't be as bad and I won't feel a fool for taking her back.
Should I let go and trust her? Good question.
To me trust has always been huge. We used to joke about side boyfriend/girlfriend. It was always a joke because I never thought it could happen. Now every song, every movie that talks about infidelity reminds me.
TBH, I take each day as it comes. We've been together 24 years this past June. Will it last? Time will tell...
Short story. She drank 6 years. She slept with best friend for 6 months. She tried to kill herself. Been sober since Sept 2009. We separated just prior to that (I kicked her out) and took her back in Jan 2010.
Do I trust her? No. She betrayed my trust sleeping with him. I will never allow myself to trust her that way again. Do I trust she is sober. Yes. She found her God and leans on him for strength.
I just had to come to terms with things and how much of a role trust played in if I wanted to be with her. Not trusting her is more of a protective measure. If I don't let myself trust her in theory if she hurts me again it won't be as bad and I won't feel a fool for taking her back.
Should I let go and trust her? Good question.
To me trust has always been huge. We used to joke about side boyfriend/girlfriend. It was always a joke because I never thought it could happen. Now every song, every movie that talks about infidelity reminds me.
TBH, I take each day as it comes. We've been together 24 years this past June. Will it last? Time will tell...
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
I think it takes time...lots of time...and it's based on consistent actions over a period of time, not words.
I don't trust my husband (we're separated). There was alcoholism, massage parlors and a romantic relationship with a woman. I don't think the trust will come back in a full and complete way like it used to be...at least not for me. The innocence is gone.
It's not to say there's no hope for others when trust is broken, but a lot is lost.
I don't trust my husband (we're separated). There was alcoholism, massage parlors and a romantic relationship with a woman. I don't think the trust will come back in a full and complete way like it used to be...at least not for me. The innocence is gone.
It's not to say there's no hope for others when trust is broken, but a lot is lost.
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