Karivan

Good morning, everyone. It's early here in Colorado but not too early for me to check his computer. I know I'm not supposed to do that but how else am I going to know? I woke up at 3:00am and went downstairs to get a drink and he was home for lunch (he works graveyard)... when my alarm went off at 4:45, he was still home! What's going on? He only gets an hour lunch. He left right after my alarm went off. I checked his computer and his cookies, his recycle bin and his history were all cleaned out so I couldn't tell what he had been looking at.

How can I trust him? How can I know for sure? I can't let him back in my bed unless I know for a fact that he isn't looking at porn. It would gross me out to think that he is fantasizing about what he saw on the internet instead of thinking about me.

I know I'm not supposed to be checking on him and I'm supposed to be working on myself but if I don't trust him to be honest with me... how can we even begin to work on our marriage? Back to step one.... breathe....

gelfling

Dear kari,

Don't put yourself through the hell. Don't check his computer. Don't imagine what he's looking at. Don't try to get into his head. You don't want to be there.

Just take care of yourself. What he does, he will be accountable for in way or another.

Get to some meetings and talk to other people there. Share your story with them and they can inform you how they handled such a situation.

Please don't make yourself sick over something that doesn't involve you.

Blessings, Kathy

Lorelai

karivan -
I stopped checking up on my H when I realized that, even if I found out something, it wasn't going to make any difference.

If you check his computer and find something, what good does that do? You'll tell him you found it, he'll say he didn't do it or that there was nothing wrong with it. You'll be mad. He'll go right on doing it.

Checking up on him just takes time away from your recovery. It just keeps sucking you back in. Maybe you could try telling yourself that you're not going to check up on him for one month. You can always go back to it if you want to. Just take a break. I think you'll be surprised how much better you feel and that you won't want to go back to it.

I had to believe that if he was doing something awful and that I was meant to know, I would find out - without any snooping or obsessing. That's letting go.
L

cwohio

lorelai makes a good point - if you are meant to know - it will happen. when i stopped looking for the bottles i did feel a big weight lifted off my shoulders.

WHYOWHY

HI - I know what you are going through........

My husband looks at porn occasionally on the computer. He has also rented porno movies (without my knowing) and watched them.

At first I felt very threatened by it...and it brought up a whole lot of "self - esteem" issues for me.
Was I not sexy enough?
Did it mean that he wanted to have sex with someone else?
How could I possibly compete with these air-brushed "fantasy" women who would do "everything" - with full make-up & no cellulite to boot!

Over the years I have "lightened up" on the "porn thing"

I guess what I AM SAYING is that ....
I think that a good majority of Men like to look at porn & pictures of naked women. I also think that a good majority of men fantasize about other women..........
I also think that this does not automatically mean that they have "alterior motives" or are "leading a double life" etc...etc.

I think as long as it does not become an addiction or crosses over from fantasy to reality...then ..........my feeling is

" It does'nt matter so much where he gets his appetite....as long as he comes home to eat" (smile)


I don't think that men looking at porn is the problem.............

I think it has more to do with the fears & self doubts about ourselves that WE have when we find out that they DO look at it........

I am probably putting my head on the chopping block & you will no doubt get some posts from people who totally dissagree with me.........

Just felt that it would be O.K. to share my thoughts.......

journeygal

Hi Karivan,

As a reformed snooper, I know how hard it is to control the compulsion to check up on our SOs but please try to let go of the snooping. If and when you're meant to know, you will know. Snooping just steals your peace and drives you crazy. Plus, how would you feel if he checked your history to see what sites you've visited? You probably don't have anything to hide, but it's still an invasion of privacy.

Hugs,
JG

Karivan

Thanks everybody. I know I need to read step one again and detach from it. It's all about the controlling issue again.

Why, I'm not going to jump on you for your feelings. I just feel differently about it because of the deceit. I don't like being lied to and he lies more than he ever has and he has never admitted to the porn thing. Until I caught him that is.

I've been on the pity potty today and even thought I deserved to feel sorry for myself for awhile. My son is God knows where doing God knows what and my H is an A and looks at porn. I'll get off the pot and feel better tomorrow. I know there isn't anything I can do about either one of them and I need to work on my peace of mind.

I just would really like reality to be different.... ya know? :raincloud

brightlight

I know Karivan!! ((((Karivan)))) I hate the lying too. He just stands there and lies to me and it is a game. He is making my life miserable and my kids, but the truth is I have let him. I am going to stop this nonsense.