PerSe

Hi,

I have been reading and posting in the Friends & Family forum a bit, and it was suggested that I may post my question/situation here for additional perspectives and replies.

Basically, I have two sons 10 & 7. I've been married for 18 years to my husband who I believe is an alcoholic. Below is a copy/paste of my post from the F&F board. I welcome any and all replies, experiences. I feel so lost. Can we just forge through this and come out okay?



DH is a great dad. He is an engaged parent. However, it seems like when he's gone a few days without drinking, he can get really moody - edgy, impatient. Yesterday was a good example. He had the day off. He decided to wash the vehicles. He wanted the boys to help. The boys were probably 75% fooling around and maybe 25% helping. I swear he was like a drill sergeant out there. So 30 minutes into it he's all PO'd and the boys are feeling like crap. Then by mid-evening, after 3 beers and some wine, dad is suddenly mellow, easygoing, and pretty fun to be around.

And that is pretty much how it goes. After the boys go to bed, DH will then finish off at least one, often up to two bottles of wine, plus whatever beer he had. The next morning, he will be grumpy again. Repeat again on Saturday night. Then Sunday night he goes to bed early for work the next day.

For many years it was a lot more drinking than just the weekends. After I stopped drinking and told him how I felt about it he did cut back, and we are basically where we are now. Another factor - he has arthritis and self-medicates now with the wine, cannabis infused chocolate, and Tylenol 3. He is in pain quite a lot of the time which contributes to the low moods. But he was a binge drinker long before arthritis ever developed.

Anyway, I guess I wanted to just ask - has anyone out there decided that staying with their alcoholic partner was the best thing? I cannot tell if remaining in our current situation is better than the trauma of splitting up our family. We really are a pretty happy family. I just feel so concerned about the boys growing up seeing their dad's drinking habits as the normal. On the other hand, I often feel like I am creating this drama or worry over something that really isn't that big of a deal. I tend toward black & white thinking, so seeing some middle ground is difficult for me.

Thank you for reading. I am really grateful for this forum.

PerSe

spookyboo22

Hi!
Have you discussed how you feel with your husband?
My father was an alcoholic, he drank himself to death .
I was 14 and he was 46 when he died.
My mum I think was resigned to the situation. I remember asking her to leave him but she said she was staying because of me.
When he died it was a relief. Maybe your situation isn't that bad that your kids are asking you to leave.
As everyone will tell you alcoholism is progressive. In time you may come to the conclusion that it would be in the kids best interest to move out.
From what you said it seems that the good times outweigh the bad right now. How long that lasts is anyone's guess.
Start doing the ground work now. Save some money of your own and make plans for the future just in case.
Keep going to Al anon if you can .
Having an alcoholic father has really affected my life. I'm 50 now and I'm still working through it all x

ajarlson

Hi there. I did stay with my AH for the kids but that was after he went to rehab and was out of the house for 9 months. I took him back solely for the kids. He was better but just a sober alcoholic. He loved his kids and I felt that if he was trying to be a good father then they deserved to have him around. I knew if I threw him out he would go back to drinking and probably never see them. He started drinking again and I divorced him but the youngest was 18 so I didn't have to go through any of the child custody stuff. There are pros and cons. I have one child that was extremely angry that I didn't leave him, one that kind of goes back and forth, and 2 that are understanding and glad they at least had the relationship with him that they had while he was there. In retrospect, I would have never allowed him to come back after that 9 months but it's hard to look back and judge. I was full time working single mom to 4 kids and the scales just weighed in his favor to keep him around. My kids have been in counseling and so have I, which helped, but at this point I would say if he is actively drinking and shows no signs that he understands it's a problem and shows no signs of getting help for it, the damage to the kids will be more than you realize.

MsPINKAcres

What was asked to me by an old timer in AlAnon was if your child was in the same situation as you - what would you want for them??

What I have learned in my recovery is that I taught my daughters to accept unacceptable behaviors by exposing them to that unhealthy home life.

There are many children that survive an alcoholic home life with no scars - but many bring those scars & survival traits into adulthood

It is not any easy decision - the balancing of what is best for your family is hard. Hopefully you will find peace in what is best for you & your family.
Keep coming back - SR is a great resource for help

KES06

I'm replying as a child who was kept in that household (Dad was an alcoholic) for way too long. I feel it had definite ramifications on my emotional development in many ways. I am now a recovering alcoholic and let's just say I have many other "issues" from watching how my father treated my mother. And how she pretty much lost herself by staying in the relationship for the sake of the kids. They did eventually get divorced, but I feel like had it been done sooner, I may have had the chance to develop more healthy coping mechanisms. Your kids are just getting to the ages of "awareness" and are able to decipher what is going on around them. But kids internalize things. This is just my opinion as a kid having been there.
Love and Strength