JLynn80

I've only posted once but read for hours almost daily. It is amazing that just reading others stories gives me strength but it does and it did tonight. I have been with AH for 22 years and ashamed to say that I rode this roller coaster not ever knowing if things would get better. Time and time again AH would lash out, say he was leaving, sometimes leave, sometimes not, things would improve and repeat every few months for the entire marriage.

It took me a very long time to connect the dots. He has only in the past 5-6 years developed a huge dependency to alcohol but has always drank. His DOC was marijuana. After many years I came to recognize when he would run out or here lately, try to quit, he would lash out in a rage, was extremely irritable and would pick fights. The only thing that would end this behavior was to resume smoking. He never really worked a recovery program to combat this and just kind of white knuckled it. Well, 2 days ago he quit again and the poop hit the fan. He sent me a long email today. I know....email right? Except he reallly did admit a lot and it was better than trying to talk to him right now. He said (again) he thought it was best that he left for a while to work on himself. Obviously this isn't a first but what IS A FIRST is that I responded to him and agreed that it would be a good idea. I have NEVER done that! In the back of my mind for many years I have known it was a good idea but always wanted to keep the peace and tried to smooth things over. I did not do that this time. I sat in the other room and had dinner while he packed his bag.

2 hours later when he did go to leave, he asked me if I had anything to say to him (?). I said no, not really and he slammed the door and left. He is so used to me chasing after him and I don't think he knew what to do when I didn't. That said, I know that it won't be smooth sailing, I'm not sure how long I can stay in the house. Although he does have a very good job and I also work full time so it's not totally out of the question.

All I know for now is that the knot in my stomach that tightens when he is upset has lessened a bit. As I sit with my son and my dogs watching a movie together, everything is just fine right now.

dandylion

JLynn....it sounds like you may have finally detached enough to accept the reality of the situation...?

JLynn80

Yes Dandylion, I feel that I have. It may have taken a painfully long time for me to get there but I am not willing to be walked on anymore. Dealing with this crap through the years has caused me illness that flares with stress, especially when I hold it all in. I deserve more and I am going to look out for me now. I went to Yoga this morning which makes me feel better physically and mentally and I'm going to start taking care of ME. I still Love him of course but my happiness doesn't have to depend on him.

honeypig

JLynn, that reminds me of a different quote from my "Wisdom of SR" files:

It's huge when we realize that our happiness is just exactly and only and precisely that, OUR happiness. I don't need anyone else, not my family, friends, co-workers, boss, clients, neighbors, random passers-by on the sidewalk, to be happy in order to be happy/peaceful myself.

It's nice if they can be, of course, way more pleasant to be around others who are happy, but if not? Well, I'm still OK.

That's a big revelation for you; kudos on seeing the truth of it.

Maudcat

Hi, JLynn. Welcome.
We all have a turning point.
Think maybe you have reached yours.
Good luck going forward.