Corazoncito

Hello,

I am new to the forum even though I have been reading posts for quite a while.

I met my ABF 5 and a half years ago when I was a student in his country. We are from different countries and I was 21 at the time. I was attracted to him immediately, he is a gorgeous man, charming , kind and caring. We started going out and things were going great. He wasn't drinking at the time. On our first date he had a beer without alcohol (huge red flag right there that I ignored). I even remember I felt so lucky to have found a man that didn't drink because I disliked drinkers. How naive of me. But of course God had different plans for me.

I had to move back to my country once my semester ended and we continued to stay in contact and remained in a long distance relationship. He came to visit me and I did too. During all this time I was unaware of any problems even though looking back I believe it was when he started drinking again. After a year or so I decided to move in with him and continue my studies in his home city. That's when I saw his behaviour. He would go out once a week with his friends and return drunk in the early hours. It took me a very long time to realise and accept that he had a drinking problem. I was in denial myself. I come from a very stable home and never had to experience anything similar my whole life. He was also working full time and I kept making excuses in my head.

Once I realised there was a problem I think was when my codependence started to kick in. Things were getting worse, there were days that he drank for entire days and wouldn't stop until he passed out from exhaustion. He even didn't go to work some days. At this point I was so sick (and scared) of his behaviour that I decided to leave and go back to my country. I removed myself physically but not emotionally. We continued talking on the phone and having a long distance relationship all while I was hoping he would change.

Then it occurred to me that if he came to my country that things would get better, since my family is a very stable and caring one and it is something that he didn't have. BTW his dad is an A as well as his brother. His family was very dysfunctional when he was growing up. So he came to live in my city, he got his own apartment and I believe he wanted to make a new start as well. Of course, as you might have guessed, things got worse since the problem was within him not in the place of residence and on top of that I felt responsible for him because he didn't know anyone else but me. That was when my codependence became worse even though I didn't even know the word at the time and I was keeping everything secret from my family.

To make a long story short I made him return to his country and ever since we have been travelling back and forth visiting each other. When I visited last time it was hell and decided to not visit him any more, it seemed that when he was in my "territory" he controlled himself better. When he visited me last December he was exactly the man I knew he could be. He never drank in a month and a half that he was here. He seemed calm and happy. My family fell in love with him. It was the best I've ever seen him. In January he had to leave because he found work and that was the last time I saw him. I kept my promise and didn't visit him since I wasn't sure of his sobriety.

So these past 6 months, he has finally admitted to having a problem and has gone to AA meetings but has relapsed many times. He has used prescription pills to fill the void though. His doctor prescribed them to him and when he mentioned that he attends AA she said "Can't you just do it on your own?". I know right. But the thing is I have lost my patience. Everytime I feel he is hiding something I talk to him in a derrogatory manner, I snap at him and we end up fighting. I think my behaviour has caused many problems as well and the distance isn't helping either. I have read "Codependent no more" and I am trying to better myself.

So I guess my question is, how do I know if he is taking his recovery seriously? I have read the thread about the signs of someone in recovery and I am not sure if he has truly surrendered to his disease. We were planning his visit in August but I don't want to go through the same again. But then the memory of his last visit and the perfect time we had makes me feel hope. We have been talking about breaking up and he says that he sees how unhappy I am and tells me to work and focus on myself. This is true but I am feeling pressure of getting older and things are still very unclear. I want to have a family and I want to have stability in my life. I am torn between giving our relationship another chance or, since it's been 6 months since we last saw each other, just let go?

I still can't understand why God would put this man in my path, who is everything I've ever wanted but has the most destructive disease I've seen in my life. The odds of meeting him in another country were very slim and I know this was meant to happen to me but I still can't see why? Why did I have to go through all that? I know I handled the situation poorly many times but I didn't know any better. I am now educating myself on the issue and hope to do better in the future.

Sorry for the big post. English is not my first language, I hope I have made myself understood. Any advice is welcome.

Mango blast

Welcome to SR friends & family forums.

There are two ways of looking at this.

1 - There are no easy answers. Alcoholism is a counter-intuitive disease that effects all who are close to the alcoholic. Alcohol is a symptom of the disease not the root of the problem. The potential in the man you think you love is a projection of fantasy and unfair to put on him. He is in a life or death struggle, whether he realizes it or not.

2. The answer to your question is very simple and easy. Pray. Look inside yourself. Connect with others as you're lead to, to understand what you really want out of life and your relationships. Spend time alone surrendering thoughts in prayer to connect with God, Great Spirit, Mother Earth, Father Sky... however you relate spiritually... Ask for guidance and look for direction.

theuncertainty

Hi, Corazoncito. Welcome to SR Friends and Family.

While your behavior may have been less than you wished it would have been, and he may have reacted in a certain way, please know that you didn't cause him to drink, to drink more, or to drink or less. His drinking habits are entirely his own issue to regulate and he holds the responsibility. IMO, being in a new location for a short while, makes it easy to change behavior for a short while. There are new sights to see, new experiences, new people. The problem is that after a bit, the "new" is no longer "new," and without new coping skills to replace the old ones, changes won't hold.

Others may be able to help you with questions about how to tell if he's really committing to recovery; my qualifier (ex-husband) has yet to admit he has a problem.

The decisions you make regarding your relationship are fortunately/unfortunately ones that only you can make. If stability is something you need in your life, I would encourage you to step back and review the way this relationship has been in the past. Not just focusing in on the individual instances (*that* was a great trip, *this* week was horrible), but the overall pattern. Has it had a few ups and downs and the remainder was fairly steady? or have there be many peaks and valleys with a few level periods between? Has it provided, in the pattern it presents, what you want?

maia1234

Welcome and your English is great!!

First off: "I want to have a family and I want to have stability in my life."

This will never happen with an active addict. I waited 34 years for this, never happened. I lived a very lonely, unhappy life with my selfish addict. I stayed because I "loved" him. Ugh!!

Waiting for an addict to hit rock bottom is a long road. Us codies end up suffering more then the addict. In my opinion, you have already invested almost 6 years of your life with this man. He has shown you who he is. He does not want to grow up, sober up and work a program. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking.

He is not going to change for "you". I know this hurts but I wished someone had said this to me at year 6 or 16, or 26.

There is an old saying on SR.....
If you leave and he gets sober, good for you
If you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you.

Educate yourself about addiction, hit some alanon meetings or open AA meetings. Build your strength to make some hard decisions in your future.
Hugs to you, we care and understand everything you are going through.

SmallButMighty

I am not a religious person, but even if I was, it wouldn't be up to me to decide what it was God wanted for anyone else... but perhaps it would behoove you to think of this relationship as a learning experience of what not to accept in a relationship. You have grown stronger and educated yourself about addiction and codependence. You have witnessed behaviour you do not find favorable. You know things you didn't know before. You have become wiser. I would suggest you take those lessons and build a better life for yourself, one that does not include any type of addiction, including that of codependence.

Hugs and Good Luck as you figure out your path.

P.S. Your English is excellent.. much better then some of us who were raised speaking and writing it!

BlownOne

I want to have a family and I want to have stability in my life
If the above is really what you want, then let him go with as much love as you can and turn the page of your life. This man is not for you. It pains me to say it, but the odds of him ever recovering fully and long term are slim to none. Hugs to you.

LexieCat

This is simply not true. It's impossible to know what the odds are that someone else will recover fully and for the long term. It IS, however, possible to say that he is displaying no signs of doing it in the foreseeable future. Many people take years/decades before they are ready for the hard work of recovery. Many of the ones who finally do decide to take it seriously and do the work do recover--fully and over the long term. But given that it will happen (if it does at all) on his timeline and not yours, it is a waste of your life to hang around on the off chance that it will happen anytime soon.

If you want a future with a nice, functioning family, this is not the place to find it.

As for "why" this man was "put" into your life--well, if you believe it really is part of a plan (as opposed to just plain bad luck), then maybe it is so you will learn something about what makes for a healthy relationship and to teach you that we cannot fix other people--only ourselves.

Bekindalways

So glad you found us Coranzonzito!! And so sorry for the reason that brought you.

The description of yourself and your family sounded familiar. I too come from a good family and fell in love with a man who became an addict. It tested me beyond anything I could imagine. I too asked, "Why God???!.". The answer for me is a bit of what Lexie said above along with to learn: humility, the geography of my own disfunction, and to learn to love in a way beyond my own needs and fantasies.

Leaving my qualifier was the hardest thing I've ever done and the one time I think I truly loved someone. My leaving allowed him to spiral down to a rock bottom that was his alone. He actually did get sober and has led a decent life. I was long gone. This might be codie thinking but I speculate that my choice to leave him helped him to rock bottom and eventual sobriety.

This is not easy stuff. Please let us know how your get on!

BlownOne

This is simply not true. It's impossible to know what the odds are that someone else will recover fully and for the long term

Respectfully disagree with Lexiecat. The percentage of addicts and alcoholics that I've seen in my life who have chosen recovery long term and productive over active addiction is tiny in my experience. Yes, I know a lot of people who have embraced recovery. But many times over far many more who do not.

LexieCat

Are you seeing these people over the course of a lifetime? Or just for the window of time they happen to be in your orbit?

I'll agree that those who recover fully are in the minority--the point is that it's impossible to tell which ones those will be. I totally agree there's no point in waiting around for it--I just don't like writing off every alcoholic/addict as a hopeless case. Many "hopeless cases" do recover.

BlownOne

I'll agree that those who recover fully are in the minority--the point is that it's impossible to tell which ones those will be. I totally agree there's no point in waiting around for it--I just don't like writing off every alcoholic/addict as a hopeless case. Many "hopeless cases" do recover.

Agreed. Nor did I write off the person in question as a 'hopeless case' as you put it. Simply said the odds were very slim. I guess I just like to be more realistic about how many choose recovery as opposed to those who don't. As far as those in my orbit are concerned, I'm simply saying what I've observed in the world around me. Those who chose to recover vs those who end badly without ever making an effort.

Corazoncito

Thank you very much everyone for the replies.

It was very hard to take all the information in and I was still very skeptical until I got a phone call from him while drunk. Of course he had been lying about being sober all this time. He was verbally abusive on the phone and he even told me that he was going to cheat on me. The next day when he sobered up, he apologised and I told him it was over. He didn't object to it. That was our last conversation.

It's been 5 days since that happened and I already feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. It is very hard to let go of all my hopes and dreams for this relationship but I also feel like it was all a lie. I am even questioning his fidelity now but I'd rather not know and leave everything in the past.

I will keep working on myself and I will see a psychologist. I am still wondering why I have such low self-esteem to endure all this for so long.

Hugs to everyone!

Bekindalways

That's huge Corazoncito! And yes it is so so so hard. Many people just can't let go. I get that.

Please take super good care of yourself right now. There should be some kind of intensive care unit for people in your situation.

Abrazos.