involved

What a tangled web we weave... trying to heal myself and understand what the dynamics of the relationship were... and determine my part. I rediscovered the Karpman Drama Triangle... the XABF used these manipulation tactics even in recovery! And boy was I sucked in... he has women friends that I couldnt quite put my finger on why but I had always been insecure about...(but I know that I do have some insecurities anyways). also I became very resentful of his adult daughter and ex wife.
The ex wife was pretty clear case of his calling me her name, saying to me one time "mary me "her name", constant daily contact ie. phone conversations and inapropriate ❤️ texts and "your such a good woman", that set off an insecurity in me. He refused to cease even when I told him how much it hurt and affected me! He said he would stop but then he would continue to sneak and lie about it.... Continued
contact and would sneak over to her house ... which I interpreted as telling her she was more important than me! I would beg plead rage cry threaten walk away get sucked back in.... when he explains this to anyone he NEVER knows why I am so jealous!!! After all she has a boyfriend of 10 years and is never going to be in a relationship with him again! That she is a good and put together woman who has always been there for him..he also says she enabled him....( they have been divorced for 20 years) He has told his daughter, whom after 20 years of kmowing him and 1 1/2 years have never met...that I am unreasonable and have kicked him out over this situation and played to my being a bully over this...she has incredible close relationship with the mother but is very distant with the father. But he plays victim to get her sympathy with this move. He tells every one, meaning people who don't know me, that his daughter and I don't get along...he did recently try this in a couples therapy session but the therapist gave him the what do you get when you remove the alcohol from a liar cheat theif speach...we dont go to counceling anymore because after getting called out a couple of times he sabotaged the relationship.
But then there is the more subtle one...the old flame who quickly caught on to who he really is (lucky lady) but remained in his circle of people he could use...again women whom I had never met that he would keep his relationship with seperate and private. At one point one of these women whom he had stayed as a roomate with (before we got together) was calling him on his phone and he was agitated and wouldn't answer...he was moving across country and I was along for the ride as a friend...she left a voicemail that I overheard saying that he had been gone 2 days and it was unlike him to check in or return messages...so he finally called her back and reluctantly shared that I was in the passenger seat...she was overjoyed! Weird reaction but ok....anyways fast forward a year and he is back in my state for a visit and to put a roof on rental property that he still has here...we are now in a long distance relationship. I show up at the job site with sandwiches and see him standing there with an attractive woman. Now I admit that I am insecure so there is no surprise when I tell you that I had a rock in my gut immediately...but I walked over and he was immediately squirrely even before the hello's! After the introductions he turns away from me and continues conversing with her one on one...excluding me! So I said that I was going to go and went to kiss him and he shoved the sandwich in his face! I left in a ball of emotions with the wind nocked out of me and the fire raging! He later was telling me she just showed up and all kinds of crazy non issue things when I asked about the distance he put between us... I later snooped on his text messages to see that he had requested her to come there several times...so he's lied! Then he calls her and gives her some skewed story and she says when will his girlfriends understand that they are just bff's....and by now I am out of controll in a rage and she. An hear it...he later tells me she said he should dump me because I am a bitch...then he begs for forgiveness because he told her that wasnt true and he doesn't want anything to do with her for saying that. I spoke to her years later and explained my side and she said that he was too much drama and their friendship needed to end... but now years later he has tried to rekindle that relationship and she has accepted the invite.
There are several other stories...including him dragging my mother into one of these triangles...
So glad I am out of this mess! I know I was a willing participant in that mess...can anyone share anything about this kind of relationship?

FallenAngelina

The best thing to come out of messes is reflection on the extent to which I said "yes" to the mess every day that I was involved with it. Participation in Al-Anon is showing me that life is so much fuller, richer, happier and calmer when I take my focus off of all the perceived wrongs I was done and keep it on asking myself why I said yes to the extent that I did. Even better, when I keep my focus on what is interesting and fulfilling for me now that I've opted out of the mess. One thing I've learned is that nobody can diminish me unless I go along with it. Seeing my part in everything is enormously powerful and uplifting because with this perspective, I always have choices.

involved

Thanks Angel...I do go to al anon...and little by little it sinks in... probably why I can now see and accept that I did in fact say "yes". Now to figure out the why!

involved

I guess what I am attempting to deal with are the after effects of the relationship. I am also realizing that just as the "A" is not cured by simple abstinence, so is the same for me! Yesterday was a bad day! In trying to understand what happened and trying to acknowledge my part in it I wandered off from my side of the street. Sp just for today I will try to focus on me and what maintains my serenity... any wisdom on moving forward is much appreciated!