Rubyx

I used to be a daily drinker and I started cutting back over a year ago. I started with cutting back to weekends only and now I will go anywhere from 1-3 weeks without drinking until I decide that it's a good idea to pick up a drink again. Then I wake up feeling like crap and have the strength to go on for a few weeks until I give in again. I go to meetings, have a sponsor. I've started working on the steps. I read self help books. I feel like a crazy person. Have any of you gone through this? I feel like such a loser because I go to meetings and I'm telling you most people say that they just got up one day and decided they had enough and quit just like that. I'm starting to feel like a hopeless case. I don't understand why I keep slipping when I know I don't want this for my life anymore. It's as though I am constantly forgetting how bad it is

Behappy1

I wrote myself day 1 notes of exactly how I was feeling. Sick, dizzy, shaky, disappointed etc. That helps me to re-read to remember just how bad it was. You're not alone. I have had many, many day 1's.

joandmelandhan

I think the road to long term recovery is different for us all. I went from daily drinlimg to about a year of on off binging whilst "trying" to get sober. That was actually worse and I got more and more unwell.
Don't lose hope but please keep trying. Acceptance is the key. No more alcohol ever again. Not one sip. Ever. That's the only way I think now. Any crack in my armour is a potential disaster so I am vigilant and never let a day go by where I'm not actively doing something for my recovery.
You can do it but don't expect a lightening bulb moment it takes work and commitment.
Take care xxx

Ironhorse1

I don't think many people here made it on their first attempt (or second or third, etc). Read around on here and you will see that a lot of people struggle for a long time to stay stopped...that's why there are so many "Day 1, again" threads. Slipping up is pretty normal, but it's not an excuse. Be mindful of the events and thought patterns leading up to your slips, and make a plan to avoid drinking next time you find yourself in that headspace.

Mummyto2

I think the problem is, in my case anyway, is that my AV was saying it wasn't that bad you will be fine, then when we slip omg the dark times set in, perhaps write down exactly how you felt at your worst, and then perhaps that may help, good luck

tealily

Something I've realized in looking back is that all that "trying" to quit/cut back is exhausting. I hear that in your post, too.

Think of what you've been through -- physically and emotionally -- in the last year of trying to moderate. Imagine if instead you had put that physical and emotional energy into something more meaningful and healthy, what you could've accomplished.

You said you feel like a "crazy person" and, looking back, that is what I was. Trying so desperately to keep alcohol in my life, when I needed to just kick it to the curb.

I found it's so much easier to just take drinking -- AT ALL -- completely off the table. It seems impossible: "Oh no, how can I live without it?" But you CAN live and live so much better. It's an addictive poison, not worth what it's putting you through.

I'd suggest getting rid of what you have in your home, don't buy any more, don't order it when you go out. Just do that one day, and then another.

Instead of missing it, focus on what you are gaining.

Then you, too, will be able to say, I've finally had enough.

Hang in there and keep posting! You can do it too!

Anna

You are definitely not hopeless, and many of us here have struggled to stop and recover. For me, I needed to shift my thinking. I needed to fully accept that drinking was no longer an option, ever. Then, my mind began to work to find healthy ways to deal with life.

RetiredGuy

As stated above, the key for me was finally accepting that I am unable to moderate my drinking. Once you accept that fact, never drinking again is the only logical thing to do ( other than drinking yourself to death which is not very logical).

The one thing that I have been pleased to discover is that the longer I am sober the less I miss the booze. Visiting these forums regularly is also a big help.

CelticZebra

I've found that so true RetiredGuy Its not the booze That's missed per se but the fun times I had when there was no serious problem with addiction to alcohol in my life (20+ years ago). I'm finding a new and better way to create fun in my life and don't really remember the feeling of being controlled while duping myself into believing I was in control of the on/off cycle, it happened several times over the years until I surrendered the illusion of control I had and gave in after my final binge to learning how life seems calmer on this side of the cycle. Some people have said aim for a year and then add more years, I stayed months at a time sober, and binge relapsed for years wasting my life to reach the only decision I haven't regretted once in my journey... NO more, ever!
You deserve more

Rubyx

Thank you everyone. I think that the problem is that I haven't fully accepted that I can no longer drink ever again. That is a scary thought for me for some reason.

nova84

Hi Rubyx,

I recorded a video to myself on my phone when I was hungover the last time I drank (about 9 weeks ago) talking about how rubbish I felt and how overwhelming the anxiety, guilt and shame was to serve as a reminder of why I was choosing to embrace sobriety. Wishing you well on your recovery journey x