maybemaggie

It's only wine. It's only at night. I never had this problem until the last 5 years or so. It's changed me. Every day I say not again, and every night, I do it again. I'm not like other people, I tell myself, but I know that's not true. I don't drive drunk or get into fights or anything like that. It's a secret. But it spills over into everything else. My house is a disaster. The nightly projects I used to do to delight my kids when they woke up are so far in the past. I am fat now. I feel sick many days. I am sorry this is all about me. I don't know what to do and I am terrified I will never stop drinking. I hate it. I love it. It has a hold on me and I thought I was "better" than that. I don't remember much the next morning, most mornings. I feel silly saying I have a problem . It's just wine. It's just at night. That is what I tell myself, but I am addicted to it and I can't stop. My beautiful kids woke up in the middle of the night last night, and I took them out walking and we hung out watching tv. I don't remember any of it. I am sick to my stomach that they saw me that way (8 and 5) and I don't even know what I was like or if they can tell. Thanks for listening. I want to rip this out of my life. I have no idea how. I only want to stop until the night comes, then I want to drink. Coming here is, I don't even know what. It was hard to say all that.

SoberHoopsFan

Addiction, plain and simple. The good news is there is a way out of it, no matter how low you feel.

Coming here and writing that post is a good first step. Welcome aboard

BrandNewLife

Hugs. We all know the feeling too well. It really isn't "just" wine though. All alcohol is the same - deadly and addictive.

Only you can decide when enough is enough and you want to be free from the grips of alcohol. Lots of good info, resources, and support here. Good luck!!

noturningback2

well done on being here and recognising this is something you cant control and need to stop. I'm new (6 days), and wine was my weakness, wasn't into beer or hard liquor. I too have kids and have had times I have been blackout drunk infront of them, and is my biggest shame. Like you I felt sick to my stomach manier times, and swore I would do better, only to mess up again a few weeks later.

All I can recommend at this point is to get rid of any booze in the house. Put everything you can muster into a plan today to avoid buying it and to not bring any into the house. If you don't buy it you cant drink it. You can tackle tomorrow then, don't think about that. Just have the one aim today of going to bed sober, and do whatever is necessary to make that happen. Don't think about tomorrow or next week, just today.

You can make today, I believe you can do this and be on this sober journey too

maybemaggie

Thanks all. I have thrown it all out on a few occasions. Then I go to the store and buy more. It never lasts more than one night. It's almost like I forget how sick, depressed, and fed up I am all day. I don't even think of it once that switch flips. I can't even go one day at a time. It's insane how the moment when I start looking forward to that glass of wine at night, everything else, all my reasons to stop, just disappear. Like the shame, nausea, weird injuries, etc, didn't happen, even though I'd been in misery all day about it. I just go and do it again. I can't throw it out. Just the thought of it gives me anxiety. ???? So bizarre.

maybemaggie

I'm sure tons of people come here, post, and disappear, and I hope I don't do that, but if I do, I am sorry. I don't know what to do anymore.

August252015

Welcome.
And- not bizarre. Addiction. We can all share our own versions of what you have told us- when our lives became unmanageable and I was powerless over alcohol, it still look me a lot of loss and pain (for myself and others) until I finally quit.

You don't have to have the "yets" - as in, I haven't lost my kids YET, I don't drink during the day YET, so on and so on. Coming here is a great first step- perhaps check out the Newcomers Daily Support Thread and look at the Class of July for those quitting or thinking about it during the month of July.

Have you thought about going to a meeting? I fought it tooth and nail but AA saved my life.

Hope to see you around here. You CAN live a much better, peaceful, healthy life with your family.

tealily

Welcome. So glad you are here. This is a wonderful place, and posting was your first step toward getting your life back.

I recognize your story. That was me. I never drank much till later in life, when my kids were older, and little by little, somehow, wine took over.

It became my main "hobby" and occupation. Projects stalled. My health, looks and energy suffered. No one knew. I was able to get the bare minimum done. But all my "free" time was taken up with buying wine, hiding it, drinking it, recovering from it. I felt horrible every morning. I was ashamed of not remembering things my kids had told me. Every day I'd swear I'd not drink, only to give in as the night wore on.

It was a daily drinking treadmill, and it's no way to live. Your life gets smaller and smaller.



You can stop now, and your kids will grow up with you present and healthy and you will have a better life for yourself. You've recognized the problem. Fortunately the answer is simple, if not easy to do.

Here's my story: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rate-stop.html

I'm now over 2 months wine free and life is so much better, in every way! You can turn the corner too!

PhoenixJ

Welcome. Blackouts and caring for children is obviously a red flag for you.
Ihe cycle continues unless we change something. Do not drink is obvious.
How? Not just hoping, or wanting- but doing. Detox, rehab, a doctor for physical health, meetings, counsellor, psychologist, journal- this is what I do.
Support to you. You have an awareness- use it.

2ndhandrose

Welcome, maggie

I hope you don't disappear, either.

Look around the site, read some stickies, read some threads (read lots of threads ), post questions, post for support. The wisdom and support on this site is amazing. Really, truly amazing.

We have all been where you are, in one way or another. It can feel like an impossible feat in the beginning. But, there are loads of people on this site alone, that are doing it. And doing it successfully and happily.

It is hard at the beginning, but look at you, here you are doing a hard thing, making your first posts, sharing your story.

Please stick around!

herculana

Hey... Guess what? Just for tonight, with the help of this site amd the loving community on it... Just for tonight... Dont drink.

Every moment of anxiety, every sleepless night, every fit of confusion, every moment of rage, every WIN, every milestone... You get to share that ALL HERE, and every single one of us will understand, root you on, give you support, tips and BE WITH YOU ON THIS JOURNEY.

One step at a time, love.

No worrying about the future for now.

Just for tonight, dont drink.

Keep sharing. Be a squeaky wheel here. See if anyone is on chat if you cant get fast enough support on these boards.

I relapsed after two months of WONDERFUL sobriety. Life was turning around for me VERY quickly when I got sober. Good things came rushing in with my sobriety.

And I was my truest, most authentic self... It felt so damn great to be living that way.

But I lost touch with these boards, stopped visiting here as often as I actually needed. Didnt reach out and talk about some cravings that were coming up for me.

And WHAM. A full three days in a row of drinking, the last one with me starting on whiskey at 11AM in the morning.... and all day long.

IT WAS NOT PRETTY, to say the least.


So please stay connected to us.

jbhall

I hear ya, Maggie. It doesn't have to be like that though. I'm no success story- yet, but I know exactly what you're going through. Depression and shame all day until you rationalize your next drink than magically, your energy and excitement has returned.
To get through the first 2 nights, I sort of treated it like I had the flu. I'm sick, I need to go straight to bed. Planned on being up most of the night so I planned on watching a lot of tv, sweating a lot, and being tired in the morning. All was true, except I felt pretty amazing not being hungover and I didn't have to shame myself and say all the terrible things we say to ourselves in the morning.
I hope you're able to have a sober night tonight.

loulou1981

Hey maggie, wine was my weakness too, im only on day 2 (actually 3 as it's past midnight now)!!
When u get the urge u need to come here & talk to us, we know how u feel

madgirl

Hi Maggie
Try picking up some ice cream or grapes - if you get grapes, stick em in the freezer - and some sparkling water (I love La Croix) or decaf tea. You CAN get through "the witching hour" - 5:30 til about 7:45 or so.

Eat dinner early. Harder to obsess about that dumb buzz with a full stomach.

Consider going for a short walk.

Start a game on your phone (I liked words with friends) and keep this site open. Come here and tell us what you are feeling. People here are sweet and patient and really get this "thing".

You CAN do this. Your peace of mind and self confidence are within your reach. ❤️

AAPJ

Welcome!

You are correct, many quickly disappear. But some stay.

For me your quote about waking up each morning and saying:
Not tonight, I won't drink, I won't.

Then 5:00 rolled around and there I was drinking again. Day after day after day. I remember that too. But today that's not happening. I didn't drink today. And it didn't happen yesterday either. I hope you experience this one day too.

Delilah1

Welcome Maggie!! Wine was my downfall as well.

You can do this, and I can promise you that while it is difficult in the beginning every day gets easier, and sobriety is so worth it.

Check out the July 2017 thread, and even the August of 2017 once it starts. Also, join us in the 24 hour thread and make the commitment each day to stay sober for that day, and then do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day....

There is a lot of support in this site, looking forward to seeing you!

Nonsensical

In other words, your drinking has progressed over a 5 year period.

If you continue drinking your drinking problems will continue progressing. Where will it be 5 years from now?

For more than 25 years I've had a voice in my head telling me I can't feel OK without alcohol. That voice is a liar and a thief. I stopped taking advice from a known liar and my life got a lot better. I highly recommend it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Bird615

Welcome to SR, Maggie!

aasharon90

It was sooo mind boggling to me as to
why drinking "just wine" would cause
me so much emotional, physical, spiritual,
physcological pain. I mean, it was just
wine, just like you shared.

I loved my beautiful red wine in a
crystal stem glass, so elegant, so
sophisticated, so alluring, intoxicating.

Yet, in time, a beautiful glass of wine
just didn't get it for me any longer. Why
would I make so many trips to the refrigerator
for my poison, wearing myself our.

I then switched to those big plastic red
stadium cups to hold so much more than
those pretty crystal glasses of mine.

I was a stay at mom of 2 little ones
while my husband went to college and
worked full time. Being responsible
for 2 was my everything along with
my pretty poison.

At night I found an outlet to allow
me to leave the house while my
husband babysat the kids. An outlet
to the clubs where music, men and
poison flowed.

Several night or I should say wee hours
of the morning id roll in intoxicated and
my husband would be so angry with me.
He was the normal half of our marriage
with no addiction. So for him to see me
in the state I was in caused arguments.

One night I was on my way home and
hit a notch cut out in the road where
some construction was going on less
than a mile from our home and flew off
running smack dab into a concrete
culvert sitting on top the ground.

Thank God a deaf man saw the accident
and summoned help for me. I don't remember
them cutting me out of the mangled car
nor remember my one and only ride in
the EMS truck.

Family was called and met me at the
hospital in the wee hours of the morning
to a sight I'm sure wasn't pretty to
see or remember at all. I was pretty
messed up with numerous broken
ribs, bones, contusions, a punctured
spleen and lung....just a mess.

That incident was in Feb 1990 where
I spent 10 days recovering in the hospital.
The next few months I healed nicely
with no alcohol because of the meds
I was on.

Come August, the urge and cravings
were so strong that I ventured out
once again, same place, same ride
home, safely this time yet another
argument and off to bed I went after
I called it quits in my mind and heart
to end this craziness and failure as a
wife and not having control over my
drinking.

I had had enough. I was tired and just
want the madness to stop and end, so
I downed a hand full of pills left over
from my accident not thinking about
the consequences that would follow
my actions.

Kids tried to wake me with no success
until I heard a faint ringing of the phone
next to my bed. It was my MIL but to this
day believe it was my HP, God of my
understanding calling me.

I answered the phone with slurred voice,
grogginess hearing my MIL yelling at me
to get up. I did and got myself to the bathroom
to throw up all I had in my system.

As the day progressed, my husband returned
home from work to try to take me to the
hospital to have my stomach pumped but
I fought him with every ounce of strength
I had to ward him off.

No sooner I realized I was finally alone,
I was greeted by my IL's and husband
along with authority, 2 officers to escort
me to their car and taken to the hospital
for evaluation for my state of mind.

I passed my family with daggers in
my eyes, hatred in my voice in disbelief
that they had to call for help.

Today, I understand why they did
what they did and am truly grateful,
bless and thankful because they
did for me what I certainly couldn't,
didn't want to do for myself.

To get me the help I so desperately
needed to save my life from destruction
and ending my life.

I rode in the back of that police car
feeling like a criminal, yet I knew I
wouldn't harm a hair on anyone. Not
me. So full of anger and emotions.

That first night I spent in the mental
ward watching others sick, shuffling
across the floor, rocking back and forth,
mumbling, thinking to myself that surely
I wasn't that far gone.

The next day I was evaluated and passed
all mental test then was told that I only
had a drinking problem. WHEW, I said.

It was explained to me about my addiction
to alcohol, which I never thought I had
until it was explained to me that very
day. Then accepted a 2 week stay to
be taught about my addiction and ways
to live without it.

At 2 weeks they could see I wasn't
ready to leave knowing all to well
that if I returned to my home inviroment
still holding onto resentments and
issues I hadn't dealt with, I would
surely drink again and wanted to send
me off to a halfway house further away
from my babies.

With much pleading I asked to stay where
I was and that I would do whatever I needed
to do to be taught and learn about my
addiction along with a recovery program.

I stayed for 28 days with a 6 week outpatient
aftercare program attached to complete my
rehab program.

This happened 26 yrs ago as I approach
27 yrs sober come August 11th.

This journey I have been on has been
filled with many changes in my life.
Many wonderful blessing and gifts
granted as long as I remain sober
incorporating all that was taught to
me a many one days sober ago.

I had to be taught about addiction
and I had to learn healthy ways to
live my life accordingly without
poison.

Wine, that pretty red wine, is nothing
but poison to me. All I see now is a skull
and cross bone on all those bottles today.

It doesnt do me any good to romanticize,
wish, hope that one day I might be able
to drink successfully like others do, because
it never will ever happen.

As I read about others struggling with
addiction some 26 yrs after I entered
recovery, not working, still taking them
down one by one, I know with out a
doubt it never will work for me.

It never has and it never will.

For my new life addiction free today,
I am grateful for what was taught to
me, passed on to me by so many
traveling along the same road as me.

It's not the destination but the journey
of recovery that has gotten me where I
am today. Happy, joyous and free.

BlownOne

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost
the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes
practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring
into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the
suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are
without defense against the first drink."

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 24~