How can I get my husband to understand

Old 07-25-2017, 05:06 PM
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How can I get my husband to understand

I'm the spouse of a recovering addict. He doesn't want to acknowledge or validate my feelings when he engages in behavior that sends me in tailspin back to the horrible days. I think he's abusing adderrall now but since he has a prescription he tells me I'm crazy despite the fact he was caught getting some for a friend from someone else. I don't know. I feel so stupid.
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Old 07-25-2017, 06:26 PM
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Hi Non,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My ex husband was also addicted to pills and was supplementing his prescription by buying extra off friends. His addiction progressed rapidly and he eventually moved on to street drugs. I definitely went right down with him- I completely lost myself trying to get the old him back. And I never did. I went absolutely insane dealing with his constant lies. I started drug testing him, but even when they came out positive he'd say they were defective. It was a miserable life.

If I could go back, I'd have worked on myself sooner, instead of always trying to fix him. I'm now very diligently working my own program, and have been for over a year. I've learned a lot about addiction, and a lot about enabling. I see now that I was just as sick as him.

I hope you will do your best to get out of his head. Stop trying to understand, because you never can. Stop believing that he doesn't see your point of view, because he most likely does. He knows he's out of control. He's just not ready to admit it yet. That's kind of bad news, by the way. He's not even at the first step yet.

Work on yourself. That's all you can do. Start setting boundaries and stick to them.

All the best.
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Old 07-25-2017, 07:07 PM
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I'm the spouse of a recovering addict. He doesn't want to acknowledge or validate my feelings when he engages in behavior that sends me in tailspin back to the horrible days.
I don't know... he doesn't sound like he's a recovering addict to me if he's on a gaslighting campaign. Recovery looks like recovery.

People abuse alcohol even though it's legal. People abuse prescription meds too.

Have you heard the phrase "dry drunk"? It describes a person who is no longer drinking, but continues to act in dysfunctional ways. IF (and it is a very big IF), your husband is no longer abusing drugs, he's still treating you like an emotional punching bag, and that really isn't acceptable at all.
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Old 07-26-2017, 07:37 AM
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If he is still abusing, he is not recovering, he is just an addict. Know that.

I think the thing is that you are looking for validation from someone who is not able to give it. Addiction becomes their best friend, their bride, their everything. They will do all they can to manipulate the situation so they can continue to use.

I would say that your own focus should be put on you, your wants and needs, and getting yourself help so that you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way in life. I did this through therapy and going to Celebrate Recovery. And of course the fine people here at SR helped me as well.

You cannot will or love them into recovery, if that was possible none of us would be here in the first place.

Hugs to you.
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Old 07-26-2017, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by non2016 View Post
I'm the spouse of a recovering addict. He doesn't want to acknowledge or validate my feelings when he engages in behavior that sends me in tailspin back to the horrible days. I think he's abusing adderrall now but since he has a prescription he tells me I'm crazy despite the fact he was caught getting some for a friend from someone else. I don't know. I feel so stupid.
that reads like active addiction. either that or im doing recovery seriously wrong.
"How can I get my husband to understand"

something is telling me you have probably tried a few thousand different ways with no success.
we dont have any secret magic way to get it through the head of someone in active addiction.

quite some time ago my sons' mother came over to my place to talk to me about how my drinking was effecting my son. in all honesty, it was the 1st civilized conversation we had ever had. i sat there listening and agreeeing.
then said,"ok, i gotta go to the store for a 12 pack. need anything?"

non, i hope ya stop trying to get it through to him. i hope you stick around and get support and solutions FOR YOU. please dont disappear for 2 or so more years.
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Old 07-26-2017, 08:45 AM
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I'm the spouse of a recovering addict. He doesn't want to acknowledge or validate my feelings when he engages in behavior that sends me in tailspin back to the horrible days. I think he's abusing adderrall now but since he has a prescription he tells me I'm crazy despite the fact he was caught getting some for a friend from someone else. I don't know. I feel so stupid.
Sounds like your “recovering” addict hit the addict lottery – a prescription for speed! He’s abusing it, that’s why he needs more “for a friend”. Trust your instincts he’s no longer a recovering addict he’s very active again.

And you will never get an active addict to acknowledge or validate your feelings with any honesty, stop wasting your time on that one.
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Old 07-26-2017, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Sounds like your “recovering” addict hit the addict lottery – a prescription for speed! He’s abusing it, that’s why he needs more “for a friend”. Trust your instincts he’s no longer a recovering addict he’s very active again.

And you will never get an active addict to acknowledge or validate your feelings with any honesty, stop wasting your time on that one.

I ageee. He's got into my brain for sure. Even if he's not he sure as hell acts suspicious. Oh changed his pcp that's probably how he hit the lottery. Dr we've had for 20 years. Ugh I feel so stupid.
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Old 07-26-2017, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
that reads like active addiction. either that or im doing recovery seriously wrong.
"How can I get my husband to understand"

something is telling me you have probably tried a few thousand different ways with no success.
we dont have any secret magic way to get it through the head of someone in active addiction.

quite some time ago my sons' mother came over to my place to talk to me about how my drinking was effecting my son. in all honesty, it was the 1st civilized conversation we had ever had. i sat there listening and agreeeing.
then said,"ok, i gotta go to the store for a 12 pack. need anything?"

non, i hope ya stop trying to get it through to him. i hope you stick around and get support and solutions FOR YOU. please dont disappear for 2 or so more years.
That just hit me like a ton of bricks. Your comment about disappearing for two years. I'm trusting my gut. He's been out of house since march. I'm just waiting for som sign of life. I know it's time for me to move on and take care of me. I have a great job and can do this on my own.
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Old 07-26-2017, 10:44 AM
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Ugh I feel so stupid.
Why do you feel stupid? It’s hard not to want to believe someone we love especially when it directly affects our lives and future.

I'm trusting my gut. He's been out of house since march. I'm just waiting for som sign of life. I know it's time for me to move on and take care of me. I have a great job and can do this on my own.
Always trust your gut! If that gut tells you it’s time to move on, listen!!!
Because I believe you are seeing the “signs” of life and it is still filled with his addiction.
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Old 07-27-2017, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by non2016 View Post
. I have a great job and can do this on my own.
the great fact is the part of working on yourself doesnt have to be done alone- you have a GREAT amount of experience,strength,hope, wisdom, and suggestions right here.
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Old 07-27-2017, 01:21 PM
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My husband is behaving like a dry drunk, not abusing anything as far as I know, except me, the kids etc...
Wish I'd trusted my gut 'way back when'.
It's so hard looking after myself and my daughter.
His behaviour has become unacceptable and I will get through this just like you will, we have to start putting our own lives first and take steps to care about ourselves enough to do this.
Refocus the energy, stay strong, you can do it!
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