My Marriage is Failing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
My Marriage is Failing
it's not due to my drinking. Even though I've relapsed a bunch, I have been sober enough to know something is missing with us. When I was drinking hard, I could mask it. But not now. She offered to quit drinking with me, but this past weekend she had a "girls night out", and came home hammered. And when we're sober together it's like watching paint dry.
I am not going to go on a bender. But reality is setting in. She doesn't love me. At least not how I want to be loved. It is transactional. I makes good living, and I take care of her daughter and mother. Pay for her school and new car. She's be crazy to leave me now.
I feel so alone. I am 49 years old facing a failed marriage. Funny, had I not been trying to get sober, I would not have realized this. Booze masked the fact we are emotionless together without alcohol.
So I will go home, and she will study (she's in grad B school), ignore me, go to bed, and give me a peck on the lips in the morning. booze won't make that better. At least I know that.
Damn.
I am not going to go on a bender. But reality is setting in. She doesn't love me. At least not how I want to be loved. It is transactional. I makes good living, and I take care of her daughter and mother. Pay for her school and new car. She's be crazy to leave me now.
I feel so alone. I am 49 years old facing a failed marriage. Funny, had I not been trying to get sober, I would not have realized this. Booze masked the fact we are emotionless together without alcohol.
So I will go home, and she will study (she's in grad B school), ignore me, go to bed, and give me a peck on the lips in the morning. booze won't make that better. At least I know that.
Damn.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
I'm sorry, Horn, for your situation. Recovery opened my eyes to some things I didn't want to see either. But, I'm glad it did. I didn't want to go through life, feeling numb, and ignoring my real feelings. Have you considered some kind of counselling?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,358
Horn, us married folk have a different time of sobriety especially the one of us is not sober. My husband and I barely know what to say to each other sober. Give it time and tell her what your dreams are for the relationship
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I wasn't married to my now ex but, together for a long time while drinking. Up's,downs,breakups,makeups,ect.. Once I stopped drinking I could see the writing on the wall. We were nothing more than drinking 'buddies' and co-dependent on each other. There was NOTHING there without me drinking so, I had to walk away. I'm still processing that daily and it sucks but, it's best for her and I. We all deserve to be happy doing what makes us happy. Sobriety didn't help my relationship but, it helped me see what a vicious cycle my life had become in all aspects. I'm not saying this is the case for you at all but, booze hides a lot of cracks in 'things'. Try not to make any rash decisions and give it some sober time of thought. Good luck to you and your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Thanks guys. As I predicted, I came home and we've hardly said 20 words to each other. Now I think I know why my drinking got so bad -- trying to make my time with her bearable. Then it got out of control. I was happy 4 years ago.
Thankfully we do not have children together. But I do need much more sober time to sort things out. My perception could be off because of the emotional adjustments that come with quitting alcohol.
But I do not want a life of silence and separation, especially when I am on the hook financially for her daughter (baby daddy's in prison and can't pay child support), and her mother. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I'be been feeling this way for a while, but having some scotch before I got home made things more enjoyable. Bearable.
Well, the upside is I just finished Day 2 and on Day 3. No thanks to the ice queen who is my wife.
Thankfully we do not have children together. But I do need much more sober time to sort things out. My perception could be off because of the emotional adjustments that come with quitting alcohol.
But I do not want a life of silence and separation, especially when I am on the hook financially for her daughter (baby daddy's in prison and can't pay child support), and her mother. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I'be been feeling this way for a while, but having some scotch before I got home made things more enjoyable. Bearable.
Well, the upside is I just finished Day 2 and on Day 3. No thanks to the ice queen who is my wife.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 236
Congrats on finishing your third day. What an awesome accomplishment. Try not to make any major decisions about your life right now. You just need to get thru these early days. One foot in front of the other. Support yourself by listening to the many great AA speakers out there. Do this listening to earbuds, maybe while taking a walk. She's not talking to you now anyway, use this time for yourself. You'll get inspired and will see what an amazing life awaits you, with or without her.
Best of luck to you.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by Horn95 
Thanks guys. As I predicted, I came home and we've hardly said 20 words to each other. Now I think I know why my drinking got so bad -- trying to make my time with her bearable. Then it got out of control. I was happy 4 years ago.
Thankfully we do not have children together. But I do need much more sober time to sort things out. My perception could be off because of the emotional adjustments that come with quitting alcohol.
But I do not want a life of silence and separation, especially when I am on the hook financially for her daughter (baby daddy's in prison and can't pay child support), and her mother. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I'be been feeling this way for a while, but having some scotch before I got home made things more enjoyable. Bearable.
Well, the upside is I just finished Day 2 and on Day 3. No thanks to the ice queen who is my wife.
Thankfully we do not have children together. But I do need much more sober time to sort things out. My perception could be off because of the emotional adjustments that come with quitting alcohol.
But I do not want a life of silence and separation, especially when I am on the hook financially for her daughter (baby daddy's in prison and can't pay child support), and her mother. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I'be been feeling this way for a while, but having some scotch before I got home made things more enjoyable. Bearable.
Well, the upside is I just finished Day 2 and on Day 3. No thanks to the ice queen who is my wife.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I can relate to the "Ice queen" part. When we were drinking it was either awesome or insanity! Once I stopped I expected the awesome to continue..nope. We'd set and watch what ever brainless tv show(s) she wanted and not really speak . I think the last actual meaningful convo I had with my ex was 3yrs ago. I became bored to death around her when I wasn't drunk or drinking. EVERYTHING she said(when we did talk), the way she treats/speaks about other people,ect..struck me to my core! I had been having this facade of a 'relationship' for so many years and masked it with booze/drugs. Crazy!
I'm not an avid AA'er but,do go to meetings as a form of free therapy. Might be worth a look for you. When I go I attend open meetings and listen to others,talk if I feel the need. It's really helped me..Again..good luck to you. As of now sobriety is your #1 priority..keep that in mind.
I'm not an avid AA'er but,do go to meetings as a form of free therapy. Might be worth a look for you. When I go I attend open meetings and listen to others,talk if I feel the need. It's really helped me..Again..good luck to you. As of now sobriety is your #1 priority..keep that in mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
3 days sober and you think that your marriage should be fixed? Just like that? Come on Horn. Just take it one day at a time. Focus on staying sober for now, don't make any changes, and keep your focus on your recovery and health. Then you can put your honest healthy heart and mind into figuring out what's next in your marriage. Just my 2c
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Horn,
Great job on day three, glad you are using SR as a support. Realize that your emotions are all over the place at this point too. Give yourself some time to work on sobriety, and then take some time to work on your marriage. Maybe counseling would work, maybe you will be able to talk to her about how you are feeling. Marriage isn't easy, and maybe things will not work out, but you need to give things a little time before going there.
Great job on day three, glad you are using SR as a support. Realize that your emotions are all over the place at this point too. Give yourself some time to work on sobriety, and then take some time to work on your marriage. Maybe counseling would work, maybe you will be able to talk to her about how you are feeling. Marriage isn't easy, and maybe things will not work out, but you need to give things a little time before going there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Dallas Texas
Posts: 579
"As I predicted, I came home and we've hardly said 20 words to each other" Chill out! Try saying some kind words or bring her a snack she likes. What is it? Starbucks or donuts-they all like something. You shared alcohol together but your alcoholism is not her alcoholism. there is something in her other than a drinking buddy that attracted you to her. I would try not to resent those that keep drinking when I am trying to quit. Mostly it's about you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK, South Coast
Posts: 605
I feel for u, drinking deffinately masks issues. I think ur wise in not making any quick decisions as these early days are so hard, u r just going to have to focus on ur sobriety for now & re-visit ur future with ur wife in a few weeks time. Do u have any close friends u could stay with for a dhort time or is that not possible?
Keep sharing, we're behind u!!
Keep sharing, we're behind u!!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Kampala, Uganda
Posts: 327
I, too, can relate to the 'ice queen', only, that ice queen is me... I think. I've also noticed that my husband and I seem to be drifting farther and farther apart. We don't really talk much anymore. He mostly commands and I obey.... OK it's not thaaat bad but sure feels like it.
I have, thus, developed into an ice queen. If I had school, trust me, I'd be doing exactly what your wife does... Come home from work, head straight for my computer, study till late and then go to bed. Next day, quick kiss good morning and out of the door.
For the most part, that's how it is now.... Our only shared interest is our son, so we mostly talk about/with him. Our 'us' time is between 9:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. every night, which is spent in front of the TV. If I'm watching one of my shows, he's on the phone... and vice versa.
I miss the days when we had only one couch to share and had to squeeze on it together and watch each other's shows happily. I actually grew to like many shows on the History channel because of him. But now, we have three couches and each one sits on their own, with dogs between us... Just yesterday, he set up a separate TV for me in a different section of the living room so that I could 'watch my shows in peace and on a big screen'. I know he meant well but I was thinking that this would only push us farther apart. This means we don't even share a common space anymore!!!!
Wow, are most marriages like this?
Sorry for what you are going through, Horn95. I didn't mean to rant about myself. Your post just struck a cord with me. My DH, though, is not an alcoholic. I am....
I have, thus, developed into an ice queen. If I had school, trust me, I'd be doing exactly what your wife does... Come home from work, head straight for my computer, study till late and then go to bed. Next day, quick kiss good morning and out of the door.
For the most part, that's how it is now.... Our only shared interest is our son, so we mostly talk about/with him. Our 'us' time is between 9:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. every night, which is spent in front of the TV. If I'm watching one of my shows, he's on the phone... and vice versa.
I miss the days when we had only one couch to share and had to squeeze on it together and watch each other's shows happily. I actually grew to like many shows on the History channel because of him. But now, we have three couches and each one sits on their own, with dogs between us... Just yesterday, he set up a separate TV for me in a different section of the living room so that I could 'watch my shows in peace and on a big screen'. I know he meant well but I was thinking that this would only push us farther apart. This means we don't even share a common space anymore!!!!
Wow, are most marriages like this?
Sorry for what you are going through, Horn95. I didn't mean to rant about myself. Your post just struck a cord with me. My DH, though, is not an alcoholic. I am....
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Horn, yay for day 3!!!
In my experience, my whole first year sober was kind of, let's say, hellish
I agonized over my marriage. My AH continued to drink, I continued to respond in really unhealthy ways.
It took time for my recovery to kick in, for me to see my part in things, to understand that I wasn't the center of the universe. It took time and work to unkink my thinking and my view of things.
I have found my footing. My AH still drinks but my reaction to him is completely different, 2 1/2 years into my recovery. I am finding happiness in myself and in my marriage.
I realize your marital issues are not around your wife's drinking but what I am trying to say is that it takes time, a lot more time than 3 days, to clear the haze. What you see today could be the polar opposite of what you see in a year's time. Or it could be exactly what you see today.
Take your time, focus on your healing and your recovery.
And onward we go in our sobriety
In my experience, my whole first year sober was kind of, let's say, hellish
I agonized over my marriage. My AH continued to drink, I continued to respond in really unhealthy ways.
It took time for my recovery to kick in, for me to see my part in things, to understand that I wasn't the center of the universe. It took time and work to unkink my thinking and my view of things.
I have found my footing. My AH still drinks but my reaction to him is completely different, 2 1/2 years into my recovery. I am finding happiness in myself and in my marriage.
I realize your marital issues are not around your wife's drinking but what I am trying to say is that it takes time, a lot more time than 3 days, to clear the haze. What you see today could be the polar opposite of what you see in a year's time. Or it could be exactly what you see today.
Take your time, focus on your healing and your recovery.
And onward we go in our sobriety
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Originally Posted by Lava256
I, too, can relate to the 'ice queen', only, that ice queen is me... I think. I've also noticed that my husband and I seem to be drifting farther and farther apart. We don't really talk much anymore. He mostly commands and I obey.... OK it's not thaaat bad but sure feels like it.
I have, thus, developed into an ice queen. If I had school, trust me, I'd be doing exactly what your wife does... Come home from work, head straight for my computer, study till late and then go to bed. Next day, quick kiss good morning and out of the door.
For the most part, that's how it is now.... Our only shared interest is our son, so we mostly talk about/with him. Our 'us' time is between 9:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. every night, which is spent in front of the TV. If I'm watching one of my shows, he's on the phone... and vice versa.
I miss the days when we had only one couch to share and had to squeeze on it together and watch each other's shows happily. I actually grew to like many shows on the History channel because of him. But now, we have three couches and each one sits on their own, with dogs between us... Just yesterday, he set up a separate TV for me in a different section of the living room so that I could 'watch my shows in peace and on a big screen'. I know he meant well but I was thinking that this would only push us farther apart. This means we don't even share a common space anymore!!!!
Wow, are most marriages like this?
Sorry for what you are going through, Horn95. I didn't mean to rant about myself. Your post just struck a cord with me. My DH, though, is not an alcoholic. I am....
I have, thus, developed into an ice queen. If I had school, trust me, I'd be doing exactly what your wife does... Come home from work, head straight for my computer, study till late and then go to bed. Next day, quick kiss good morning and out of the door.
For the most part, that's how it is now.... Our only shared interest is our son, so we mostly talk about/with him. Our 'us' time is between 9:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. every night, which is spent in front of the TV. If I'm watching one of my shows, he's on the phone... and vice versa.
I miss the days when we had only one couch to share and had to squeeze on it together and watch each other's shows happily. I actually grew to like many shows on the History channel because of him. But now, we have three couches and each one sits on their own, with dogs between us... Just yesterday, he set up a separate TV for me in a different section of the living room so that I could 'watch my shows in peace and on a big screen'. I know he meant well but I was thinking that this would only push us farther apart. This means we don't even share a common space anymore!!!!
Wow, are most marriages like this?
Sorry for what you are going through, Horn95. I didn't mean to rant about myself. Your post just struck a cord with me. My DH, though, is not an alcoholic. I am....
1) At some point during every day, set aside 15 minutes just to talk about neutral subjects. No barrages--no complaints--no honey-do lists. Just a concerted effort on both parts to be kind.
2) Go on date nights. Make it as nice as you can afford (going for a walk is free). You will each know that the other is going out of their way to show you a nice evening. Again, no unpleasant subjects.
Those two little things can go a long way toward thawing things out.
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