Anger and alcohol
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 13
Anger and alcohol
My dad is an alcoholic, I talked about it in my last post. He seems to always get angry so easily. The littlest things set him off. We were celebrating my birthday earlier and something as little as the ice maker making him angry. It's very frustrating how his issues ruin anything good for me. I really wish he wouldn't get so angry all of the time for nothing. I hate it. It puts me in a bad mood as well. I don't know what to do. Does anyone know?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
SB, I can only tell you that when I was your age I had no idea my mother was an alcoholic, but I did know that she was angry all the time, and that everyone else's duty in the family was to try to "keep Mom from getting mad."
I know now that there was nothing I can do or say or be to prevent her from getting angry, and I know now that neither her anger, her depression or her alcoholism had anything to do with me.
I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self that until she believed it, so that she wouldn't waste one more second of her precious life trying to manage someone else's happiness.
Get out of the house as much as you can. When he is angry, remind yourself it's nothing to do with you and that his anger is his to manage. As much as possible, try to protect yourself from being collateral damage.
You can't fix him. He has to fix himself, and first he has to want to fix himself. You can't do that for me. Take care of yourself as much as possible.
I know now that there was nothing I can do or say or be to prevent her from getting angry, and I know now that neither her anger, her depression or her alcoholism had anything to do with me.
I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self that until she believed it, so that she wouldn't waste one more second of her precious life trying to manage someone else's happiness.
Get out of the house as much as you can. When he is angry, remind yourself it's nothing to do with you and that his anger is his to manage. As much as possible, try to protect yourself from being collateral damage.
You can't fix him. He has to fix himself, and first he has to want to fix himself. You can't do that for me. Take care of yourself as much as possible.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Don't let his issues become issues for you. Use them as teaching tools instead. Learning what to do, is sometimes taught by reverse example. An example being that we learn about courage by encountering fear. When you encounter his anger, let it teach you about patience.
He might be captain of the angry team, but you can play for the other side.
He might be captain of the angry team, but you can play for the other side.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much you are dealing with this.
What helped me was "Never let me imagine that my happiness depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Alanon pg 234.
Also reading literature on Detachment -
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you. You deserve it.
Pink hugs (hope unity gratitude & serenity)
What helped me was "Never let me imagine that my happiness depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Alanon pg 234.
Also reading literature on Detachment -
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you. You deserve it.
Pink hugs (hope unity gratitude & serenity)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Do you listen to the Dear Sugars podcast? When my parents got ill, and my sister went AWOL emotionally and physically, this podcast really just helped me keep it together.
The first letter...
The Family We Carry | Dear Sugars
AND the sequel...you can skip to the 39:05 mark
Happy One Year Of Sugar | Dear Sugars
Another podcast that might be helpful (ignore the title!)
Dear Prudence podcast: The ?Bidet and Boujee? edition.
You can listen to the whole thing or you can skip to the 21:00 mark. I thought that Mallory/Prudence's answer was very much on the mark (she's has the second response.)
The first letter...
The Family We Carry | Dear Sugars
AND the sequel...you can skip to the 39:05 mark
Happy One Year Of Sugar | Dear Sugars
Another podcast that might be helpful (ignore the title!)
Dear Prudence podcast: The ?Bidet and Boujee? edition.
You can listen to the whole thing or you can skip to the 21:00 mark. I thought that Mallory/Prudence's answer was very much on the mark (she's has the second response.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
SB, I can only tell you that when I was your age I had no idea my mother was an alcoholic, but I did know that she was angry all the time, and that everyone else's duty in the family was to try to "keep Mom from getting mad."
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Try saying to him that his anger is making you feel anxious, and spoiling the fun for you. Another option is to remove yourself from the scene when he gets like that. You don't have to say anything.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I agree, my nickname for my axh is "angry Adam". Not sure why, but he's always pxssed off at someone. (usually me)
Hugs and leave the room, house or town when you see he's mad, so he doesn't ruin your day. Thats one thing I don't miss with my axh.
Hugs and leave the room, house or town when you see he's mad, so he doesn't ruin your day. Thats one thing I don't miss with my axh.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Soapbubbles
My dad is an alcoholic, I talked about it in my last post. He seems to always get angry so easily. The littlest things set him off. We were celebrating my birthday earlier and something as little as the ice maker making him angry. It's very frustrating how his issues ruin anything good for me. I really wish he wouldn't get so angry all of the time for nothing. I hate it. It puts me in a bad mood as well. I don't know what to do. Does anyone know?
My heart really felt for you when I read your post.
No one deserves to have to deal with a parent's drinking on their birthday.
I went through some difficult things when I was your age, and the thing to remember is that your life will not always be like it is right now - it will get much better as you get older !
Keep reminding yourself of that, and before you know it, you will be an adult and in your own home and with a partner who cares about you.
It is tough at your age being in a difficult situation, but you will get through it.
Have you had a look at the Just 4 Teens section on the Nacoa site ? If you scroll down this page from the link below, there is also some info about AlaTeen which is a group for teens who have a parent who drinks too much ...
Just 4 Teens ? NACOA
This article might also be helpful ...
http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coping-alcoholic.html
There is some info about Alateen and Alateen meetings here ...
http://al-anon.org/for-alateen
Alateen also has chat meetings here ...
http://al-anon.org/try-an-alateen-chat-meeting
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Oh yeah, I know this well...
My alcoholic husband has ruined just about every major and minor holiday for 10 years. It's almost like there is something about all the promised joy and fun that makes some of them want to destroy it for everyone.
Happy birthday, by the way. I'm so bummed for you that your dad ruined what should have been a very special day for you. I wish you were remembering the cake and presents and not dad's rage-fit.
Have you expressed your feelings to your dad? Do you think he knows he has a problem and that it is affecting you?
My alcoholic husband has ruined just about every major and minor holiday for 10 years. It's almost like there is something about all the promised joy and fun that makes some of them want to destroy it for everyone.
Happy birthday, by the way. I'm so bummed for you that your dad ruined what should have been a very special day for you. I wish you were remembering the cake and presents and not dad's rage-fit.
Have you expressed your feelings to your dad? Do you think he knows he has a problem and that it is affecting you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
How old are you, soap?
I did not have an alcoholic parent but my mom certainly parent like she was mentally ill. I know that she suffered abuse as a child but has never dealt with it.
you are so wise already and I'm glad that you found your way here.
hugs.
I did not have an alcoholic parent but my mom certainly parent like she was mentally ill. I know that she suffered abuse as a child but has never dealt with it.
you are so wise already and I'm glad that you found your way here.
hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
What's sad is the alcoholic is angry, and then the spouse (me) gets angry because the A is being an A, and being angry. Not good at all. My AW got trashed at our son's 4th b-day party. Luckily, he was so wound up and distracted with everything going on and all the people around, he didn't even realize how bad she was.
I'm sorry, Soap, that you have to deal with this. I hope you can find a school counselor to talk to, or Alateen, or something. Everyone's home should be their safe place, and it's not that way for you.
COD
I'm sorry, Soap, that you have to deal with this. I hope you can find a school counselor to talk to, or Alateen, or something. Everyone's home should be their safe place, and it's not that way for you.
COD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by WhiteFeathers
Oh yeah, I know this well...
My alcoholic husband has ruined just about every major and minor holiday for 10 years. It's almost like there is something about all the promised joy and fun that makes some of them want to destroy it for everyone.
Happy birthday, by the way. I'm so bummed for you that your dad ruined what should have been a very special day for you. I wish you were remembering the cake and presents and not dad's rage-fit.
Have you expressed your feelings to your dad? Do you think he knows he has a problem and that it is affecting you?
My alcoholic husband has ruined just about every major and minor holiday for 10 years. It's almost like there is something about all the promised joy and fun that makes some of them want to destroy it for everyone.
Happy birthday, by the way. I'm so bummed for you that your dad ruined what should have been a very special day for you. I wish you were remembering the cake and presents and not dad's rage-fit.
Have you expressed your feelings to your dad? Do you think he knows he has a problem and that it is affecting you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by cocokramer
How old are you, soap?
I did not have an alcoholic parent but my mom certainly parent like she was mentally ill. I know that she suffered abuse as a child but has never dealt with it.
you are so wise already and I'm glad that you found your way here.
hugs.
I did not have an alcoholic parent but my mom certainly parent like she was mentally ill. I know that she suffered abuse as a child but has never dealt with it.
you are so wise already and I'm glad that you found your way here.
hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by timetohealguy
Hi Soapbubbles,
My heart really felt for you when I read your post.
No one deserves to have to deal with a parent's drinking on their birthday.
I went through some difficult things when I was your age, and the thing to remember is that your life will not always be like it is right now - it will get much better as you get older !
Keep reminding yourself of that, and before you know it, you will be an adult and in your own home and with a partner who cares about you.
It is tough at your age being in a difficult situation, but you will get through it.
Have you had a look at the Just 4 Teens section on the Nacoa site ? If you scroll down this page from the link below, there is also some info about AlaTeen which is a group for teens who have a parent who drinks too
My heart really felt for you when I read your post.
No one deserves to have to deal with a parent's drinking on their birthday.
I went through some difficult things when I was your age, and the thing to remember is that your life will not always be like it is right now - it will get much better as you get older !
Keep reminding yourself of that, and before you know it, you will be an adult and in your own home and with a partner who cares about you.
It is tough at your age being in a difficult situation, but you will get through it.
Have you had a look at the Just 4 Teens section on the Nacoa site ? If you scroll down this page from the link below, there is also some info about AlaTeen which is a group for teens who have a parent who drinks too
Thank you, I am going to try the online chat.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 07-25-2017 at 08:55 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
hey soapbubbles, im very glad you found this site and applaud you for reaching out for help.
im truly sorry you are experiencing what you are.
PLEASE know that NOTHING your dad says to you or about you defines who you are.
good on ya for checking out the alateen chat meetings!
i see you are in toronto. im not the best at searching sites, but it looks like toronto doesnt have alateen meetings? however, it looks like theres a lot of alanon meetings. maybe you could attend some alanon meetings? from what i read, teens are welcome at alanon meetings and you deserve the f2f support from people who understand and can help you with solutions.
you deserve sooooo much and im very glad to read you reaching out for help now.
and please keep posting here about anything- theres a TON of experience, strength, and hope here
im truly sorry you are experiencing what you are.
PLEASE know that NOTHING your dad says to you or about you defines who you are.
good on ya for checking out the alateen chat meetings!
i see you are in toronto. im not the best at searching sites, but it looks like toronto doesnt have alateen meetings? however, it looks like theres a lot of alanon meetings. maybe you could attend some alanon meetings? from what i read, teens are welcome at alanon meetings and you deserve the f2f support from people who understand and can help you with solutions.
you deserve sooooo much and im very glad to read you reaching out for help now.
and please keep posting here about anything- theres a TON of experience, strength, and hope here
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by tomsteve
hey soapbubbles, im very glad you found this site and applaud you for reaching out for help.
im truly sorry you are experiencing what you are.
PLEASE know that NOTHING your dad says to you or about you defines who you are.
good on ya for checking out the alateen chat meetings!
i see you are in toronto. im not the best at searching sites, but it looks like toronto doesnt have alateen meetings? however, it looks like theres a lot of alanon meetings. maybe you could attend some alanon meetings? from what i read, teens are welcome at alanon meetings and you deserve the f2f support from people who understand and can help you with solutions.
you deserve sooooo much and im very glad to read you reaching out for help now.
and please keep posting here about anything- theres a TON of experience, strength, and hope here
im truly sorry you are experiencing what you are.
PLEASE know that NOTHING your dad says to you or about you defines who you are.
good on ya for checking out the alateen chat meetings!
i see you are in toronto. im not the best at searching sites, but it looks like toronto doesnt have alateen meetings? however, it looks like theres a lot of alanon meetings. maybe you could attend some alanon meetings? from what i read, teens are welcome at alanon meetings and you deserve the f2f support from people who understand and can help you with solutions.
you deserve sooooo much and im very glad to read you reaching out for help now.
and please keep posting here about anything- theres a TON of experience, strength, and hope here
Perhaps give the central office a call and let them know what you are going through and see if they can suggest a meeting (meetings are all a bit different in character).
http://al-anon.org/al-anon-in-ontario/toronto
There will probably be a newcomer liaison who will be available to answer questions and help put you in touch with a sponsor. Your sponsor will be there for you to talk to and will work the program with you.
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