tr4vionz

Hello Everyone,

It finally happened for me. After years and years of drinking and drinking I finally lost my job due to alcohol abuse. I can't understand how I EVER let things get this bad. Financially I should be ok for maybe a few months but I can't even think that far ahead right now.

While I don't want to blame anyone I just never have known how to really handle stress well and my job was extremely stressful. From day one I was bullied around and picked on and I never spoke up. I just went home, picked up my good friend from the liquor store, and drank the pain away. But that's always been my MO when things got crazy or out of hand in life. Alcohol has always been there for me as a friend, never argued, never judged me and always seemed to make me feel invincible. Over the years I have lost friends, 2 marriages, and other significant others due to my drinking ways and this week I have finally hit the the mecca.

I don't think reality has struck in quite yet but I haven't shed a tear or felt any type of way about this situation quite yet. I just feel completely numb and for some reason at ease. I think I feel like even though this is a bad situation I can finally write my own path and stop lying. My whole adult life I have been bullied, picked on and pushed around and I've ran away like a child each time, drowning myself in alcohol. I guess this situation is allowing me to truly feel empowered and to make a turning point. It could be so much worse but all I lost was a job and now it's time for action.

So please bare with me as I continue to share these next couple of weeks with updates and I am so glad to be apart of this community. I don't have any friends in my real life so being here and sharing with you guys is all I have.

Thank you guys,

- Travion

FreeOwl

This CAN be bottom, if you choose it.

Or....

This can be just the beginning of finding out how terribly, desperately, tragically deep the bottom goes from here.

I'm sorry you lost your job.

I hope you choose sobriety and step onto the elevator that will take you up to glorious new heights in your life.

tr4vionz

And that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't want to find out how far I can go from here. I don't want to find out those true depths...because I was there before. This isn't the first time I've lost a job to addiction but it was because of marijuana and I truly lost everything that time. I had to join the Army just to get out of it. But the drinking just got worse and worse and I never learned how to get help for the undying problem that I am a true addict. First a pot head now 10 years later an alcoholic. I'm terrified at this point to even drink man I don't know what else to do right now so I came here to just type and vent.

MidnightRider

Sorry to hear you lost your job.

Please seek help and get sober .

You can get through this !

Stay close to SR.

tr4vionz

Thanks and that's exactly why I'm here to find help services. I want to try AA but I think I'm not strong enough or disciplined enough at this point for this. I truly think that's the biggest problem I have in all of this. I've never learned to be strong as a man and face my fears head on. I've always had a crutch...weed, cigarettes, alcohol, mental health, but I've never been strong ya know?

After so many disappointments in life I just let go and gave up and from there I've just been attacked by the lions ever since. I guess at this point the thing that I am looking for is strength and my survival skill has always been something self destructive. Even the friends and wives I've lost saw that I was weak and ran me over. My own mother and brother have said that I am soft and it tears me up inside because I truly am and I run away, hide in my apartment, lay in my bed and drink all day because I am weak.

At my last place of employment everyone knew it too. From my former bosses, to my current boss, to my lead, to my coworkers, I was the weak one. A 6'1'' 250lb weakling and because I never said anything I was pushed around. My whole life I've never known how to defend myself and drug and alcohol always soothed me like a warm hug. I have bipolar disorder (which I think is Aspergers like my son has) and I fear that if I blow up on someone I'm going to lose it like my mother would do with my father when I was growing up yelling and screaming. Or like my brother on the 4th of July this year yelling at my mother. Or like my ex wife who use to scream at me. Or like my sons mother who hustled me. (my son who I haven't seen in 8 years but pay $800/m in support) Or like the people who love to yell at me and I crawl away and sink into a bottle.

If I had one wish in all of this is that I could find strength. I wish that I could be confident and stand up to those who take my kindness for weakness and run me over. I've even had to change barbers twice this year because they treated me like crap, my whole life has been like this and I'm tired now. I want to fight back but I don't have it in me and I fear I will be sober for awhile and then because like my mother said "you're an easy target" I'll fall back into running away and finding the bottle to face the world.

MidnightRider

I read your post and thankful you are "letting" your thoughts out. This is NOT a sign of weakness. This is a sign of strength!

If I can be honest... you should go to AA meeting. You will be amazed that you are not alone and many people struggling just like you.

Even if you are nervous to go.. just go. You don't have to say anything. Just listen.

You need to make a new fresh start.... your confidence will be there is you don't drink. Drinking strips you of your confidence.. don't you see.

You say people treat you like crap... really? Couldn't just be how you Perceived the moment. Imagine same moment .. straight clean sober. I bet you'd have a different perspective.

Seek help.. AA .. see your doctor too ..

This can be your New start Brother.
Make today a great day ... Stay close to SR too!

PhoenixJ

Weakness is a strength. Think about that- carefully. For most of my adult life I have struggled with the big, black dog and drinking. 4th gen. to do so. I tried every thing BUT AA. Why? Because I had shown strength in my work, qualies..getting stuff. So going to AA meant I was weak. So to accept this- means I was too weak to stop- so I had to prove I could stop by will power because I was different. I am garden variety. I definitely reached the very, very bottom. which involved burns and death- mine.
What I did not have is the sober awareness you now have. Or even knowing places like SR existed or that going to AA was a strength- because like any successful person knows- to identify and accept a weakness means we can change that.

soberandhonest

Hey Travion. My thoughts go out to you my friend. It sounds like you're really struggling and I hope you know to stay close to this board. There are tons of us who have been through the pains of alcoholism and seen it through to the other side. You will get lots of support and zero judgment here, so stay close.

I agree with other posters on AA. Seems to me like you are looking at reasons not to attend. Here is one really good reason to attend that should trump all of those other reasons: you have a drinking problem! It's okay. Don't beat yourself up over it. I've been sober for 19 months and I still have a drinking problem, so don't fret too much over it. Just go to a meeting.

tr4vionz

Thanks guys and I am going to stay very close here. It's hard to admit that I have a problem but I do. It's hard to let go of the feelings that I have been bullied and I don't know how stand up for myself so I drink ya know? Most importantly it's hard to admit that over the last 3 years I have lost a lot do to my drinking. I am also a 3rd generation alcoholic and it's crazy to think that.

I'm leery of AA only because I don't know what to expect. I don't know if it's going to really help. What am I gonna do when I get out of those meetings and I have cravings? What am I gonna do when I'm withdrawing at 1 in the morning and start walking to my car? What am I gonna do when/if I find another job and the bullying or disrespect starts again? I might be spiraling a little bit here but this is what I've thought about the last 48 hours. I've never faced all this at once and I know I'm going to have to. I need to do this for me to know I can be strong but I do have so many fears and insecurities. I'm planning on going to a meeting this morning at 9 and I'm going with an open mind and heart. I just need strength to make it through for good this time and that's all substances. People see me as weak because of these crutches and I have no self control ya know? I want to fight life back now but this will be the hardest fight I've ever had to touch..

mejorando

Midnight Rider is right-this is definitely a sign of strength and facing your fears.

I was in a similar situation. I couldn´t believe I had lost my job due to drinking and started to think it was the beginning of a terrible path. I started on a program with others and I´m 4 years sober and am quite amazed at what a quick turnaround sobriety brings. Not to brag, though, because my life is far from perfect. But, seriously, sobriety is so badass that I couldn´t imagine my life without it now. I´ve saved over $50,000 of what I used to spend on alcohol and weed, have been able to travel a LOT as a result and today I am looking at my first home to buy (finally). And I was less than broke years prior and being evicted. I just want you to know that there´s hope.

I hope this is your bottom! You can certainly try meetings as you mentioned and other programs that are available. There are so many great supporter for you here on SR and if you keep asking you´ll get what you need.

Take care of yourself! Be selfish for awhile in self-care and things will fall into place

STDragon

There was a point in my life - not that long ago - when work stress and responsibilities ramped up and I thought "I can't quit, I need the alcohol to help me cope with the stress". I later discovered I was completely wrong. The exact opposite was true. I needed to quit so I could handle the stress. Things didn't come quickly, but once the brain fog started to lift I found I was much more capable than I gave myself credit for. This in turn became confidence and strength. I hope you stick around and continue to post your about your journey and thoughts.

Coldfusion

Welcome!

AA gives you a 12-step program of recovery and the support to make that program work. If you live in a city, I suggest you try several different meetings because they can vary quite a bit.

RuneStone

Travion-I'm the same. I've lost friends, jobs and marriages. I too am at the brink. You have my understanding and support.

tomsteve

future trippin sucks, especially when its negative.
what if you walk into an AA meeting, find your home, read the big book, find you described all through it, like the results it says are possible from following some simple suggestions,start doing what it suggests, learn what makes ya tick, learn how to change, have the mental obsession removed,start loving yourself, no longer be a doormat, find peace and serenity, learn how to live life on lifes terms, and end up having a life instead of just existing???
what if THAT happens?????
go to AA or not, youre going to have the mental obsession.
if you already thing your going to have withdrawls, go to the doctor NOW.

so, what to expect at an AA meeting-
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

howz about lookin up "big book online" and do some reading in it,eh? first 164 pages are the suggestions( that book -published 27 years before i was born- described me pretty dam good) and after that are personal stories from members.

the doors to your 1st meeting will be the hardest to open. thats been mentioned many,many times here over the years. happened to me,too.

myluckyday

I just wanted to stop in and say that today I have reached 90 Days sober. Never in a million years would I ever think that I could make it this far. I have had some horrible things happen and a lot of temptations along the way, but I just keep my eye on the prize and I keep going. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time if need be. I am no one to counsel anyone. If you look at my posts, I'm always the one receiving so much help here. It's been rough, but it's been worth it. I haven't lost my job, but if I go back to drinking I will lose my life. I highly recommend you staying close to these good people here at SR. They are life savers! I just wanted to share this with you here so you can see you are not alone and sobriety is possible even when it seems impossible. If I can do it, so can you!! I wish you much success!!!

nez

There is only one way that I know of to answer that question. Go and find out.

If you are like me at all, I would suggest attending a few meetings before figuring out if it is for you or not. The first time I went skiing, I had a horrible time and swore that if I ever got off the mountain, I would never go again. If I had stayed true to my word, I would have missed out on what turned into one of my greatest joys and pleasure.

If you don't go to a meeting, what are you gonna do when these things occur. I found answers to these questions in AA. It didn't happen right away like a light switch. It was like my first experience skiing, but going to AA, turned into one of my greatest joys and pleasure.

AA taught me how to live the life I always wanted. The one I couldn't figure out how to do on my own. Today I am living the life I wanted, even before I picked up my first drink. Today I am comfortable in my own skin. What a blessing!!!

tr4vionz

Thank all of you for the support. I went to an AA meeting this morning and the people there instantly embraced me. Hearing people share their stories and how long they have been sober is truly astonishing. I even received a big book to read and I'm currently diving into it now.

I'm realizing just how much alcohol has ruined my life and how each time God has given me a path to choose. Each time I chose to drink and/or smoke weed through the situation and it made things worse. I have learned to cope through addiction instead of facing it head on and this time, through losing my job, I hear God loud and clear. I want to live life more fully, I want to have fun again, I want to have friends and not be withdrawn.

Alcohol has taken away the very best of me little by little and I want that confident, outgoing and fun man back. Its gonna be tough but I'm ready to fight.

FallingLeaves

My heart goes out to you, Trav. The confident, outgoing and fun man is still there, you just need to find him again. Do good things for yourself, drink water, eat healthily, read a book or go for a walk. You deserve the very best, my friend.

CreativeThinker

Hi Tr,

Just read through your thread and you've received a lot of great advice. Good for you for taking control over the downward spiral you were headed on so quickly. Posting here and going to an AA meeting shows just how serious you are about making a positive change in your life. Your actions, by all means are NOT those of a weak person.

While losing your job (and others) may feel daunting right now, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Make your recovery the most important thing in your life and you will find that you are a lot stronger than you ever thought you were.

Best of luck to you in your recovery!

Taevans64

Can't add much more to what has already been said. But stick with it, stick with SR, the guys here are fantastic with their support and advice

You already have taken the first steps and know that the life you want to have is achievable if you give up alcohol. Once you are free of it's chains your life will open up. You are not weak, by confronting your situation and seeking help to deal with it, you are showing strength. Use every day, hour or minute you are alcohol free as evidence of the strength you have to beat this.

Keep fighting!