Soapbubbles

Hi, I'm 16 years old and I just joined this forum. I'm not sure if this forum is only for recovering addicts or people affected by them as well. I am extremely frustrated with my dads addiction to alcohol and I'm down to my last straw so I found this website. Even if I can't help him, I really need to help myself and reach out to people who understand what I'm dealing with. I've tried so many times to help him but in the end he needs to want to get better and I'm sick and tired of trying to push him into it. He's admitted he's an alcoholic but he just won't get help and I don't understand why. He becomes a different person when he's drunk, he can't stand still, he can barely walk properly, literally a few minutes ago he fell down. He also says things and doesn't remember saying them by morning. He is a high functioning alcoholic, he goes to work everyday sober but comes home and gets drunk every night. He thinks because he takes care of his responsibilities he doesn't have a problem. Which makes me very angry because he clearly has an issue. He constantly makes fun of me for everything and claims it's only a joke and that I need to just laugh. Why would anyone laugh at hurtful jokes directed towards them, coming from their inebriated parent? He tries saying I am miserable and that I need help when the entire reason I'm miserable is because of him and what he does everyday. I have no siblings or anyone to help me, my mother is also an alcoholic and i no longer have a relationship with her anymore, she lives with someone else. I think I am very resentful towards my parents because their problems took away a huge chunk of my life. I was forced to grow up mentally at a very young age just so I could get by and because of that I really don't fit in with any kids my age. I was never able to have friends over, because I feared my drunk parents would cause a scene. There was constant fighting between them when they were together, but now there's constant fighting between me and my dad, all because he initiates the fights and I want to help him get better. I don't know any other kids that are burdened by their parents poor choices in life and it is very upsetting to me. I don't have many friends because I have become a very closed off person after dealing with this my entire life. I don't think I will ever feel better until I wipe my parents from my life (unless they choose to be clean and apologize. Which will never happen.) I'm not sure what I expect from this forum, I just wanted to see if anyone else understands what I am dealing with, it would make things a bit better. I feel very alone when it comes to dealing with this. Thank you for reading. I believe I posted this in the wrong section as well, I will try to figure out how to post it somewhere else.

Dee74

Hi soapbubbles - welcome to SR

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this at such a young age, but you will absolutely find support here - this site is definitely for the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics as well, and this Newcomers forum is for everyone

There are forums here tho that deal specifically with helping loved ones deal with addicts/alcoholics:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I hope the support and understanding here help a little bit and make you feel less alone

D

PhoenixJ

SB- I was that Dad, I think. My sons do not speak to me...they are adults with their own lives and I am sober for a respectable period. What I expect my son's to do with me- is look after their own health and lives first. You are 16, so not independent- which has to be scary. As Dee said- there as forums here to help with that. Is there a local community centre, youth support group, church based community program, AL-A - TEEN? Perhaps if you have a doctor, a student counsellor at school, a relative? Do you have a relative you could stay with so you feel safe?
Support, compassion and empathy and prayers to you and your family.
Addiction really is the pits.

D122y

Soap,

I deal w an alky co worker. We used to be drunk together, but I quit drinking.

At 16, it is not fair that your Dad verbally abuses you. I can only tell you to avoid him, I avoid my coworker as much as possible. He realizes that and it bothers him.

He tries to drink less and when he manages he thinks he is better. He doesn't want to face the truth that it will take him over a year to stabilize.

If you can't get away from him and are at your last straw, you can always call the police. They might take you out of the situation or scare your Dad sober.

If he is mentally abusing you, he deserves a little suffering too.

Trust me, once the police are involved, he will not touch you. The police would destroy him.

Berrybean

Hey Soapbubbles. I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.

You are not alone. There are plenty of people who have walked your path and can support you and understand what you're going through.

It looks like there are lots of AlAnon and AlaTeen meeting going on where you are...
Ontario South Al-Anon - Alateen -- Meetings

Everyone is welcome here on the newcomers forum, but there are other areas that might be useful for you to explore on here as well, and perhaps even repost there so the people who have been in your situation are most likely to read and respond. The friends and family area is generally busy and responsive. ..

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

These areas are more specific, but also have less traffic...

Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics (Parents, Sons and Daughters, Siblings) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information


Have you spoken to anyone at school /college about your experiences, concerns and feelings around your parents ? Or perhaps your doctor? Someone who could act in a safeguarding capacity for you?

Wishing you all the best. Prayers going out for you (and your family) today.
BB

least

Can you speak to a counselor at school? If you're only 16, he's not bringing you up properly. Let an adult know your situation.

BlownOne

Start documenting on paper what he's doing and when, how he's acting and what he's saying, especially anything to do with alcohol. Then talk to a responsible adult you trust who can help you. School counselor, social services, parent of a friend, etc. You shouldn't have to live with an irresponsible alcoholic as a parent, period. Just because dad goes to work and brings home a check does not mean he doesn't have a major problem with alcoholism.

Nowsthetime

Hi:

I want to send you an hug and remind you that this will not be forever and that it will pass. You will have a lot learnt from this and you will make a great life. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. All this struggle has made you the strong amazing person that you are. You also sound self-aware and like you know that your dad's words are wrong and abuse. This has nothing to do with you, this nastiness is all about him and his addiction. I was mean to me hubby and would say horrible things to him and that was really all about my inner rage and sadness.

Look for support starting here and rely on us as much as you need. I see that somebody already posted the friends and family forums and that will be a great resource for you. I also want to thank you for posting here because it gives all of us that reminder and perspective that we need and it also allows you to get feedback from the alcoholic's perspective.

Welcome to the family.

Mizzuno

I can empathize with you.

When I was 16 I was homeless. My mother had a severe meth addiction for most of my life and my father was absent living across the state. He also suffered from alcoholism. They both were abusive, neglectful and overall terrible at life and raising children.

At 16, I became legal to work. I dropped out of school and was "trying" to live as an adult. None of that "adulting" was easy and I learned everything the hard way. Trial and error. I stayed with "friends" or with people who would let me sleep on their couch. It was not stable and it affected every aspect of my well being.

I am now 37. I am married with a step-son. A professional in a very unique field. I have worked very hard to get here and it is not due to anyone but myself, my belief system and the kindness of others.

Suggestion:

Is there anyone that you can stay with so that you can focus on school and have stability? Finishing your education is imperative.

Are you willing to call the authorities and be placed into temporary housing with a foster family? Do you find the situation bad enough to need the states intervention?

Do you have any family members that you can relocate to?

Are your grandparents healthy and willing to help?

Do you have a job? Are you able to get a job? My first job was as a Barista making coffee.

This will get easier for you. It may not seem like it now. I know the feelings and I know what this is like. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I know you can make good decisions. Fight for what is right and do not ever give into what your parents are telling you about yourself. Abuse is unacceptable. Verbal abuse, mental abuse and emotional abuse are never an acceptable way to treat anyone.

Keep posting here and keep looking for answers. Keep moving forward into your life.

WallaceFunk

Soapbubbles just want to express my sympathy for what you are going through. You can be caring and supportive for your Dad but keep in mind this is on him not you. As others have said you need to care for yourself above all. You can't make him change ,only he can do that. Prayers and thoughts with you.

v0da12

It's always sad when children of alcoholics have to deal with their parents addiction but you being too young i dont see what you can do really. Your dad is really unlikely to take advice from you let alone about alcohol. Just try stay away from him when hes drunk. And high functioning alcoholics are still alcoholics just not your typical drunk 24/7 homeless looking kind of alcoholic. What i have noticed is that certain people can manage everyday life on alcohol and some cannot but an alcoholic is an alcoholic no matter if he manages to keep a job and provide for their family... Just sad that instead of looking up to your dad your suffering because of who he has become.

Also it is worth pointing out that you should stay away from alcohol as alcoholism is notorious for running in families..

FreedomCA

Try your best to avoid engaging with him when he is drinking. Try your best to limit contact with him. You cannot change him and will only drive yourself crazy trying to. Finish school, work on finding a job and then renting an apartment to move out of this mess, possibly with others to limit the expense. Addiction is never easy for anyone involved. Good luck!

tealily

SoapB

How are you doing? As a mom of teenagers myself, my heart breaks for you. You shouldn't be burdened with this.

Is there anyone in your extended family you can reach out to? A trusted teacher or someone at church maybe? I know that there probably are resources for you at your high school if you are comfortable seeking them out.

You have been completely honest with your dad about how much this is hurting you right? But he's just dismissing it?

Please keep reaching out for help. We care and are here for you.

tealily

SoapB, how are you doing today?
Concerned about you.

expongo291

hi, I am that parent (without the verbal abuse though). I have two teenage sons and all they have ever known, other than two years of being sober once, is me as a "functioning" alcoholic. Sadly, unless he finds help himself there isn't much you can do for him but you need to find help for yourself. I have sat here for years saying, "Yeah I have a drink problem" but they are just hollow words unless I seek help and its the same for your dad.

IDK where you are from or legal situations regarding guardianship but here in UK the support network for people your age, especially if they are at school/college is very good as it falls under a banner of Safeguarding which is a legal act. I would suggest your first port of call is your school/college and speak to guidance counsellor to discuss your options. Both my lads have spoken to their respective school for assistance.
You can't change your dad, only he can do that but you can help yourself, if he decides to get help then you can support him if that's what you choose to do.
My decision to try to change was on the back of a medical when I got told I wouldn't make 50 (I am 43) and its flipping hard to break the drink cycle even though I know my life depends on it.
You are still young and you have your whole life ahead of you, I tell my kids everyday to live their lives but I know the emotional bond to a parent means you don't actually want to see them die!!
Seek help at school and get all the advice and assistance you can, your dad, like me, is a grown man and at sometime we need to grow up and man up.
Hope you get it sorted.

Dee74

hows it going soapbubbles?

D

Soapbubbles

I'm doing good today thank you

Soapbubbles

I am good today, thank you for thinking about me

DontRemember

Glad you are doing better today,soapbubbles. I to, was that parent. I was not often verbally abusive but, when 'situations' came up with my daughter, I was NOT in the correct mindset to handle them like the 'adult' because I had the mindset of a kid myself. Active alcoholics are very child like in their thinking. A lot of 'me,me,me..I want, i want' ect... Hang in there and reach out in your area for mental support,or on here. Take care of yourself first and foremost.