"Good" News

Old 07-20-2017, 06:03 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
"Good" News

Yesterday, the judge gave me everything I asked for at the restraining order hearing--and then some! I got all of the move out, no contact, and stay away orders granted for me and my daughter. When he asked how long, I said just until a permanent custody agreement is in place, but apparently, the judge was not a fan of AXBF, so he gave me... wait for it... AN ENTIRE YEAR!

AXBF showed up 15 minutes late and had to waste everyone's time being sworn in. He kept disagreeing with my testimony but then offering absolutely ludicrous rebuttals. For example, I brought up a time he threw a box and it made a hole in the wall. He told the judge yes, there is a hole in the wall but no, he didn't throw the box. The judge said, "So you just leaned it carefully against the wall and it made a hole?" LOL. The judge had jokes. He also told the judge that when he threatened to take our daughter to a different state and raise her without me that he was only speaking "hypothetically" to "get some empathy" from me, as in "how would you feel if I took her away from you?" I just sat quietly and shook my head. I didn't even have to bring up my biggest and best incident that prompted the dvro in the first place--when he trespassed on my property--because the judge was already fed up. He ended the hearing pretty abruptly and said he didn't find AXBF's testimony credible. I thought, thank heavens! Someone else can see through all of his BS!

After the hearing, he waited for me outside of the courtroom and tried talking to me several times--like an idiot. He said: "Are you really going to keep her from me for a year?" Uh, that's not even what I asked the judge for. Was he even paying attention? And the dvro, as the judge explained, allows for peaceful contact in compliance with custody orders, but of course AXBF didn't pay attention or read the paperwork. He also said: "You're never been this angry before." ANGRY? He still thinks this is all just me being spiteful because I'm still crazed with post-partum pregnancy hormones. I eventually had to go ask a sheriff to stand by and tell him to leave me alone.

Yesterday evening, I felt absolutely euphoric, mostly because I was so happy I wasn't feeling anxious with anticipation anymore. Today, my friend congratulated me and I realized the bittersweet nature of my "victory." I mean, this isn't by any means what I wanted despite what AXBF thinks. I wanted a family; I didn't want to be a single mom. I wanted AXBF to be a good dad, not a deadbeat drunk. And, most importantly, I wanted my daughter to know her father; I bet she already doesn't know who he is, not having seen him in almost a month.

Today, AXBF's mom was already asking me about mediation (in two weeks) and the next hearing (in five weeks), and she wanted to know if I was considering her as the supervisor for visitation or a third party. I didn't answer her directly, but I think she got my drift when I told her that the supervisor needs to be willing to report it if he shows up drunk. She has all the best intentions in the world, but she won't turn in her son. She was the one who drove him to the courthouse and picked him up. She even said she was going to make copies of all of his court documents and keep them for him at her house "because you know he won't do it for himself, haha." I told her that sounds like enabling to me. No wonder he never grew up. He didn't have to with mommy doing everything for him!

Anyway, I sure wish my "good" news actually felt good. But, trust me, I know it could feel a lot worse if it went the other way.
SaveHer is offline  
Old 07-20-2017, 06:49 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Wonderful news SH!!! You did awesome.

Now you can work on getting your voice back with your momma!!
maia1234 is offline  
Old 07-20-2017, 07:17 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
So glad you have everything in place SH. It's inevitable you'll feel a let down from the adrenaline of going to court, even with a positive outcome.

The judge sounds awesome. So good to hear of a judge who understands abuse and intimidation.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 07-20-2017, 09:04 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So glad it came out the right way! No, it doesn't necessarily feel good in these situations where there is no "winner," but at least you got some justice and were believed by the court. You and your daughter now have some real protections in place.

Great job!!
LexieCat is offline  
Old 07-21-2017, 08:17 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What a relief! It's so nice to hear about a judge that saw through his BS!

So so happy for you! Big hugs!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 07-21-2017, 09:52 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You may not have a "good" situation (no one actually WANTS to co-parent with an irresponsible and hostile drunk), but it sounds like you secured the "least-worst" situation possible in these circumstances. You should be proud of what you've done!
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 07-26-2017, 10:15 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Thank you for all of your well wishes, everyone. It is so nice to be able to share with people who know, firsthand, how absolutely crucial it is to have victories like this.

My mediation appointment is in a week, so I went back to the dv shelter for more advice from the attorney, and I received good news and bad news.

The good news: According to the family code in California, the judge usually cannot give physical or legal custody to the person who committed domestic violence, so it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that the mediator will recommend full custody for me. I suppose I should call this PHENOMENAL news!

The bad news: In response to me asking whether I should use child support as a bargaining chip to avoid going to trial, the lawyer said, "Oh, I hope you're not under any illusions about this: you are going to trial. He will definitely contest." Ugh... she doesn't even know him, of course, but she knows him in the way that they're all the same, these abusive, alcoholic narcissists. And I know she's right. He won't back down. He wants control. And I'll have to spend thousands to make sure he NEVER gets it.

Now, I'm left contemplating my plan of attack. She told me exactly what to add to my list of wishes: 1-2 supervised visits per week for up to two hours with a professional supervisor to be paid for 100% by him with no alcohol consumption eight hours prior to visits and random hair follicle drug testing. She also prepared me for how to handle his rebuttals. She said I do not have to be compromising because it is an issue of safety for my daughter. I feel good now, but I can already feel the anticipation and anxiety mounting. Any advice and/or hugs are always appreciated.

On a side note, AXBF tried contacting my best friend through Facebook yesterday. She ignored him, so I'll never know what he wanted, but my guess is he wanted her to "talk some sense into me." A part of me thought, just let him try to relay a message to me through her, which would totally be a violation of the "no contact" order, but then I realized, he'll find some other way to keep digging a deeper hole out to climb out of.

It still amazes me. All he needed to do, and all he still needs to do, is just get some help, and none of this would be happening. It seems so simple (operative word: seems).
SaveHer is offline  
Old 07-27-2017, 09:50 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow SaveHer congratulations on the whole process coming out really good!!! I don't know the background, but you saying how the system knows these types (abusive, Narcissistic alcoholic) says it all!!! I'm very impressed with the homework you did (observing other dvro cases in process - GREAT idea) and setting your strategy using the tools and resources available is absolutely terrific! He's messing with the wrong (REALLY SMART) lady!!!
Refiner is offline  
Old 07-27-2017, 11:58 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It sounds like really good news to me. You are pretty much sure to get full custody, and you can set the conditions under which he sees the kids. It sounds like it could take a while for everything to play out, but ... the train has left the station and it's chugging down the tracks, just a matter of time (and money, unfortunately) before it reaches the destination.

It amazes me how professionals who deal with these kind of people (addicts with psychological problems) for a living can spot the patterns and the personality types with accuracy. And yet each one of us thinks our situation is completely unique and we are the only one dealing with this kind of irrationality.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 08-01-2017, 06:56 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Last minute ESH needed before mediation tomorrow!

In the mediation questionnaire, it has a final section that says "please describe any other agreement (about your children) you would like to have with the other parent." I'm stumped. What is the additional space for? I already requested sole legal and physical custody; all holidays with our daughter except for Father's Day and AXBF's birthday; and 1-2 supervised visits per week for up to two hours with a professional supervisor with no alcohol consumption eight hours prior to visits and random hair follicle drug testing.

I'm just hoping I'm not forgetting anything, and I thought maybe those of you who have been there, done that might be a good second set of eyes.

Oh, and even if you don't have practical advice, hugs are always welcome!
SaveHer is offline  
Old 08-01-2017, 07:41 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You might want to set parameters around communication with your ex (can't recall if he's prone to harassing emails/phone calls/texts), saying that communication will be restricted to matters directly involving the children. That doesn't mean he won't still overcommunicate but it means you are on better ground to just ignore him if he does.

Other possibilities:

-Do you want to be notified by ex if he will be attending kid events (sports, school functions, etc)?
-How about contact between the kids and any members of his extended family?
-How about contact between ex and any members of your family?
-How about communication of information about kids to ex - do you want to commit that you'll send him copies of all school and medical reports (might be a nice gesture to throw in, after you've set strict rules around how much he can actually see the kids)?
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 08-01-2017, 08:01 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Could be anything--from providing for childcare to who decides/pays for things like activities, private schools/ college. I'm assuming support is part of what's to be determined here?
LexieCat is offline  
Old 08-02-2017, 09:21 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, SaveHer.
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 08-03-2017, 10:02 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Thank you, Sasha and Lexie! Throughout this entire experience thus far, which has been stressful and lonely yet somehow empowering, your experience and expertise has been invaluable. Truly.

Mediation was yesterday. As usual, every update comes with good news and bad (although, thankfully, the good once again outweighs the bad).

The good news: The mediator was AMAZING. She seemed completely knowledgeable about addiction and verbal abuse and told me her recommendation would be "very conservative." I already received the report today, and boy is AXBF going to be livid. I can't go into detail because the report has all these disclaimers about confidentiality, but I am pleased beyond my wildest imagination.

The bad news: There is no way in hell AXBF is going to accept the mediator's recommendation, which means I'm more than likely going to trial. Also, his mother told me today that he has now convinced his father that I am trying to keep his baby from him for a year (because he cannot seem to read the dvro which very clearly allows for brief and peaceful contact for court-ordered visitation, which we are obviously in the process of establishing). Either he is a complete idiot, or he just hears whatever he wants to hear, whatever justifies his victimhood. It is so infuriating! Apparently, his father has now deemed me "a psycho" and is funding AXBF's search for a lawyer.

I am just hoping and praying that the judge at the next hearing and potentially for the trial is as sympathetic as the mediator and the previous judge. And perhaps it's time to lawyer up.
SaveHer is offline  
Old 08-04-2017, 03:03 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's almost ALWAYS a good idea to lawyer up. Too much at stake here not to. Hopefully, if nothing else, your experience so far has made you a bit more confident that professionals can see through his BS. I'd minimize contact with his family, too. Don't discuss anything but the baby. Tell his mom you don't want to talk about what he and his dad are saying/doing. It truly won't help you--even though it might seem useful to know what they are thinking/saying, just assume it's not going to be good or generous toward you and you'll be on the right track.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 08-04-2017, 11:04 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm glad to hear that mediation went well. This not only signals that a good end to your saga is in sight, it's also validation that your concerns, worries and anxieties about ex were justified - if an external observer sees the same problems you did, then it's clear that you were not overreacting or behaving inappropriately. That's a nice confidence boost.

Concerning ex's dad - parents can be irrational when it comes to their children. If I had an adult son who had a restraining order against him for domestic violence I would ... ensure that he understood very very clearly that he must never raise a hand against a partner or a child ever again. Or else. But I can imagine that for many parents, they see their adult child in this screwed-up situation and they're looking for someone to blame. It can be too risky to blame the child, because that means confronting the fact that their baby is not a good person, so the only other person they can blame is you, even when it is entirely illogical to blame you.

I agree with Lexie, if you are going to be facing a lawyer in the next go-round, it would be wise to have your own lawyer.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 08-05-2017, 03:19 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
CelticZebra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Thoughts are with you during his difficult time. A roller-coaster that has many twists and turns but eventually will slow down and you will feel different again.
Everything I've read on this board sounds very in the right and safe things for you and your children, I'm so glad you have been working with professionals who understand the vital importance these matters have.
Try not to think too much about the future or what has been happening in relation to the XABF as he has his own journey that only he can take, as you do too, with taking time to relax and enjoy some time to yourself/with children as this nightmare begins to fade into this manageable reality you are creating.
Well done for all the good news (it really is!) keep yourself protected with a lawyer and continue working with those that have your families best interests firmly in sight. Wishing you a calm weekend
CelticZebra is offline  
Old 08-07-2017, 11:10 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Ugh. You're so right. I need to get off the gossip train, and his mother is obviously the conductor.

Today, we spent almost four hours together before she brought up AXBF. She was so sickeningly hopeful and optimistic. Apparently, he has admitted to having a drinking problem and said he is scared to stop because the withdrawal has been so painful in the past. Even though he has never said anything even remotely like this to me in the past, I felt... well, nothing. I just told his mom to remember that he is very good at talking and not so much at taking action. I mean, he doesn't even have health insurance, and he's talked about getting it for at least a year now--and this is a guy who couldn't even bother to get his license reinstated in the TEN YEARS I've known him.

I am proud of my reaction, which was pretty unemotional and detached, but I still have this desire--call it morbid curiosity--to continue getting these little updates from his mother. I mean, we were together for ten years, we have a child together, and we only split up three months ago, so it's understandable, right? And isn't it potentially helpful as far as the impending hearing is concerned? Or am I just kidding myself here?
SaveHer is offline  
Old 08-08-2017, 02:22 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
CelticZebra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
The problem here is that you are always going to feel/think differently to his mother, he's her child, always protective (it reflects on her too) of the 'lie'
Whatever he says to anyone is only framed in the way that he can make it work for his problem and those enabling him.
The problem I've found with the way the brain works is that this whole 'rescuer mentality' is actually harmful to us codependents. Discussing the problem should be restricted to lawyers, professional therapists etc
Any grapevine hearsay always has a vested interest in something other than the truth, it is designed to be slanted to show the messengerinthebestlight.
My thoughts here are that yes, you are kidding yourself....
Get off the crazy-making bus, extract yourself from ANY and ALL interactions that stray towards gossip or how things 'should' or 'ought' to be/turn out as far as your ex is concerned.
Stay true to youxx
CelticZebra is offline  
Old 08-08-2017, 03:46 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That's what I was saying before, Save. It may SEEM useful, but it really isn't. You can't trust that it's true or accurate, and whatever she tells you would be hearsay and inadmissible in court anyway.

Just shut her down when she brings him up, and tell her kindly that if she can't manage that you are going to have to end the visits. And then DO it. Next time she starts, just say, "Visiting time is over, will look forward to seeing you when you can respect my request not to discuss what your son is saying or doing."

Boundaries, m'dear.
LexieCat is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:20 PM.