myluckyday

We can be completely honest here right? I have a tough existance right now. I'm sure a lot of us do. I know I'm not the only one. I have nothing in my life right now that makes me happy. I probably really need to talk to my Dr. about increasing my depression meds. Anyway, since I have nothing going for me, I really miss that first sip you take when you've been waiting all day for a drink. That ahhhhh moment when you feel the warmth coursing through your veins. You all know what I'm talking about. I have nothing to replace that moment with. I'm looking for something. I've tried meditation, hobbies, volunteering, praying, gratitude. I'm looking for something to bring me that joy. That satisfaction. I feel empty. I'm sorry that I'm always such a downer here. I'm praying one day I'll be one of those of you who encourages and enlightens people here. Day 88 and counting...

SimplyFree

It's your heart missing it's abusive love....alcohol. Your heart is beginning the journey to find its true healthy love. Take some time to look around for what your heart might love. Something healthy, something passionate, something worthwhile. Alcohol lied to all our hearts and stole time we could've been with our true love. Good luck...thing will adjust to healthy lifestyles and interests. It's coming!

PhoenixJ

MLD- not a downer. You are trying....9 things out of 10 I try- do not click, meditation, hobbies. I wanted to really replace my drinking with something that was not just a happy distraction. It had to MEAN something. Apart from the 'work' required to keep sobriety up- AA, doc, therapy...It wanted to do something that helped my recovery to helping me understand who I am now, what I had become...and most importantly why. For me it is words and art. I find that this then defines itself in everything I do...having a shower is a symbolic reminder of my commitment to recovery- self respect, esteem and routine. To 'normalising' my behaviour..instead of revolving around that first sip. Actually the moment just before the first sip....
That is one out of 10 that works. BUT because

PhoenixJ

damn old computer posts for no reason- it is all the computer's fault- not mine.

BUT because I am open to doing new stuff, I learn new stuff that helps. Mindful breathing when that guy in the shop p.sses me off for being rude. My coffee not being hot enough when I buy my triple shot latte (unforgivable!).
I tried high rope adventure stuff- the being hurtled around attached to a giant rubber band. It was a 'meh' event, but worthwhile because I faced a lifelong paranoia of heights...to the extent I was given a choice at work- fly or find other work. AND SO ON.
Just do it. Empathy and support to you.

doggonecarl

Yeah, and how long does that ahhhh moment last? Not long. And the misery following the last sip? A long time.

That pleasure of the first sip is fleeting, but one our addiction chases. What we gain from sobriety is lasting. Congrats on 88 days. It's awesome. But early in recovery. You can replace drinking. Stay sober, it is worth it.

Dee74

You said it yourself - you have a tough existence right now.

Short of finding help in caring for your husband I'm not sure what will tangibly alleviate that situation, but there must be healthy positive ways for you to get some respite - please keep trying things.

Don't fall victim to the idea that alcohol brings joy - it doesn't.

when it worked alcohol sometimes bought me an absence of angst, sometimes even a chemical euphoria - it bought me an addicts satisfaction at getting a fix...but none of that is the same as joy.

And then alcohol stopped working.

I know it's not the same....but I have a disability - my life is still hard...no self pity in that statement...thats just the way the cookie crumbles.

But my attitude has changed - I have a peace and a serenity that I missed for 20 years.

I firmly believe you can find your own peace and serenity too...and the first step to finding those things is to stay sober.

D

least

I used to miss that 'first buzz' feeling, until I'd been sober about a year and was able to find joy without chemical stimulation. My brain had to rewire itself, but now I find all kinds of highs in everyday things. Just watching my dogs sniffing eagerly, waking up each day feeling good, taking pride in my accomplishments. These all give me great joy and it lasts for a lot longer than the first 'buzz'.

Give yourself more sober time. The feeling of missing out will fade with time.

BixBees505

This is a grippingly real thread. Thank you for posting honestly, myluckyday.
SimplyFree's response dropped my mouth open. Then PhoenixJ...then Dee. Don't let me hijack the thread. I just had to say how I really needed this today.

So...I'm no help to you, myluckyday...but you are helping me. Thank you.

DesertTraveler

I'm sorry you're in a bad place right now, friend, but you HAVE to STOP drinking, especially if you are drinking and also taking anti-depressants. The two are a deadly mix. Take my word for it - it nearly killed me last year. Try to talk to your doctor about slowly tapering down/getting alcohol free. Sometimes you can do it outpatient, but there are inpatient programs as well.

Not trying to be bossy or tell you what to do. You're a grown up and have to make this decision yourself. But I can tell you for a fact that you may end up killing yourself accidentally if you continue to drink while taking your meds. I am not a doctor and do not know what you are on specifically, but I am talking from experience and what doctors have told me.

Again, talk to your doctor about giving it up. And I can tell you, alcohol is not going to help your depression. It may make you feel better for a bit, but then you will start to feel more depressed - that's what alcohol does.

Well that's my two cents. That combination of meds and alcohol nearly took my life last year, so I felt I should warn you. If my wife had not called 911 that night, I would be a dead man. Just think about it.

2ndhandrose

(((myluckyday)))

sometimes you just need to let time take time.

88 days is fantastic but it is really early days. And the early days can be pretty tough for some of us. They sure were for me.

Keep posting, keep keeping on.

DesertTraveler

My bad. This is what happens when you have ADHD. Missed a few things in your post the first time. Good job lucky on Day 88. So glad you aren't drinking and taking those meds at the same time. I did and it wasn't good. Well now you know some of my story.

It sounds like you're on the right track. It is hard in the first couple months. I know there is a thread on SR with different things to do besides drink. Maybe you could check that out? I think as the time goes by, our bodies are able to heal - especially our brains and neurotransmitters, etc. I think as our bodies heal, things that we do become more enjoyable, like they used to be. Alcohol messed with the pleasure receptors in our brain, so now we are a bit "off," so to speak. But I'm sure you will notice some changes in six months, a year, etc. Just stay sober friend.

myluckyday

I haven't had a drink in 88 days. I feel like I'm mourning my old life. I feel like an oddball, a boring person. I have nothing to contribute to conversations. I always look at people and I'm jealous that they have a normal life. There's nothing in my life going on to talk about. Day after day just existing. I just don't know why I was doing so well when I first quit. I thought as time went on it was supposed to get easier. I want to thank you all for your responses. They truly do help me. I post here when I feel like I can't take it anymore and then you all help me through. SR has gotten me through these first 3 months. I feel like I'm drowning in a lake of depression. I'm clinging to the hope that my brain is still being rewired and that these feelings will eventually subside. Wow alcohol has really messed up my life.

myluckyday

I just want to add that your responses are what is keeping me sober right now. I'm so glad to hear that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I keep thinking that I've been sober for so long, so thank you for the reality check that I'm still early in the game and I need to just breathe. Hugs to you all!!!

WallaceFunk

HiLuckyDay. I sometimes miss a icey cold tall boy beer when a server goes by me. I kind of feel down. I want to order one but know it won't stop there. I have replaced that feeling with being able to talk to my son anytime sober. I don't have to wonder if he thinks Dad is drunk again.I am finding this is worth not having that beer. Good luck finding what works for you.

Outonthetiles

Alcohol lies. It's just a chemical that plays a trick on our mind and makes us think we like it and we feel good. In reality it slowly kills us, which we all know. It makes us think it's our friend but its really our worst enemy.

TheProdigy

myluckday,

I can really relate to your story and everytime I relapsed it was because I was still 100% sure that drinking alcohol was the best thing in the world. Stay strong, I wish you all the best in your sober journey.

2ndhandrose

myluckyday, it really will get better ♥

Lean hard on SR

applewakesup

Hi Lucky,

Are you in AA or any program? Just wondering because you seem like you may really benefit from some fellowship. I know you have it here, but in person may be good too.

BrendaChenowyth

I miss being able to say it's been 3 months since I last drank.

Therapy would be good. The whole point is to learn to manage stress in more healthy ways. You can do it.

MidnightRider

It get's better........ Really it does!

The Light clicked on... It was dim.... very dim.

BUT it was a glimmer of hope.

That hope got me through.........to the better place in my mind.
The place where I am today which is OK..

Peaceful place can be found.

SR was and is very important. Stay close... It is a life line that is real as can be.

Stay close!!