Reconciliation/Mind Games 2
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
Reconciliation/Mind Games 2
I was just sitting here feeling lost and overwhelmed and then I read your post Caprigirl and I felt a sense of relief - not at you being led on by your AH - but at the situation.
Me and AH (although he has problems with alcohol/not nec. alcoholic apparently) recently had face to face contact to discuss divorce...since then he has been asking me to give him another chance to prove himself to me... Asking for time for us to resolve our problems...even if I go ahead with the divorce.
After feeling strong and moving forward - I am now in turmoil.
I find I do still love him - just walled it off somewhere inside .
Whether he is alcoholic or not (and he does not fit the bill of the persistent alcoholic - but alcohol has caused many problems over the years. His lying/people pleasing/low self esteem mixed with the big I am moods followed by a crash (he is so crashed right now) have caused /enhanced more problems.
I have not always dealt with it well and I am aware my codependency and overresponsible(controlling?) reactions have made matters worse but nothing as bad as abandoning him with nothing but a text message (which he did to me 8 months ago)
He wants to go into therapy and put his life in order...also claims he wanted me back 2 weeks after he left but felt lost and that I hated him (I did/do).
Claims he will pay his debts, sign house over to me, give me all passwords, only mutual friends on social media (he had been doing some over friendly or fake chatting to make himself feel better - pathetic/sick?) see therapist then couples therapy etc etc
Obviously words are easy but even if their is action - is it worth it?
I am being so calm and caring on the surface but I made it clear I have one foot out of the door already.
My friends say kick him to the curb
I am not sure I can right now
Was thinking to say ok 6 months - show me how you changed and we can talk then.
Even if it fails maybe at least we can end things more civilly and less abruptly plus therapy will help me for the future too
One minute all this sounds feasible - the next it seems ridiculous
:sc oregood
Me and AH (although he has problems with alcohol/not nec. alcoholic apparently) recently had face to face contact to discuss divorce...since then he has been asking me to give him another chance to prove himself to me... Asking for time for us to resolve our problems...even if I go ahead with the divorce.
After feeling strong and moving forward - I am now in turmoil.
I find I do still love him - just walled it off somewhere inside .
Whether he is alcoholic or not (and he does not fit the bill of the persistent alcoholic - but alcohol has caused many problems over the years. His lying/people pleasing/low self esteem mixed with the big I am moods followed by a crash (he is so crashed right now) have caused /enhanced more problems.
I have not always dealt with it well and I am aware my codependency and overresponsible(controlling?) reactions have made matters worse but nothing as bad as abandoning him with nothing but a text message (which he did to me 8 months ago)
He wants to go into therapy and put his life in order...also claims he wanted me back 2 weeks after he left but felt lost and that I hated him (I did/do).
Claims he will pay his debts, sign house over to me, give me all passwords, only mutual friends on social media (he had been doing some over friendly or fake chatting to make himself feel better - pathetic/sick?) see therapist then couples therapy etc etc
Obviously words are easy but even if their is action - is it worth it?
I am being so calm and caring on the surface but I made it clear I have one foot out of the door already.
My friends say kick him to the curb
I am not sure I can right now
Was thinking to say ok 6 months - show me how you changed and we can talk then.
Even if it fails maybe at least we can end things more civilly and less abruptly plus therapy will help me for the future too
One minute all this sounds feasible - the next it seems ridiculous
:sc oregood
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
M,
He sure has a lot of "promises" to keep to win you back. When an addict is working a recovery program, it is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Is he doing that?? Words mean "Nothing". They always say that you can "see" an addict in recovery.
Divorce takes a long time and you can pull it up to the day of signing the papers. IMO Follow through with what you are doing. When and if you see his progress good for him. His sobriety or his drunkenness is not your responsibility. Hit some alanon meetings or open aa meetings. Build up you strength to do what you need to do.
I would not recommend giving time frames as then you have to follow through with it. Talking to friends who are not "educated" in addiction is not always the best decisions either. Take your time, make calculated moves and it will fall into place the way its suppose too. Hugs
He sure has a lot of "promises" to keep to win you back. When an addict is working a recovery program, it is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Is he doing that?? Words mean "Nothing". They always say that you can "see" an addict in recovery.
Divorce takes a long time and you can pull it up to the day of signing the papers. IMO Follow through with what you are doing. When and if you see his progress good for him. His sobriety or his drunkenness is not your responsibility. Hit some alanon meetings or open aa meetings. Build up you strength to do what you need to do.
I would not recommend giving time frames as then you have to follow through with it. Talking to friends who are not "educated" in addiction is not always the best decisions either. Take your time, make calculated moves and it will fall into place the way its suppose too. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I think your idea of "let's wait six months and talk then" is a very good one. No promises or commitments on your side, and you get enough time to see if he's serous and if you're still interested in a relationship with him. You'll get some distance on all the strong emotions that you're processing at the moment.
It sounds like right now he's promising all these things to get you to say "yes", so you can't tell if he's actually going to follow through, or if these promises are just means to an end. (I agree, the real test would be to tell him "no, we're done" and see whether he goes ahead with recovery work for himself - but you don't want to actually lie to him).
It sounds like right now he's promising all these things to get you to say "yes", so you can't tell if he's actually going to follow through, or if these promises are just means to an end. (I agree, the real test would be to tell him "no, we're done" and see whether he goes ahead with recovery work for himself - but you don't want to actually lie to him).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
I haven't read your background, but it's only his words and promises so far...I would wait and look for actions...consistent actions over a period of time.
I almost want to caution him not to promise you anything he cannot follow through with since broken promises won't heal any wounds. His intentions may be good and he may follow through with his promises, but early recovery takes a lot of time, effort and work...it's not for the faint of heart...and there's lots of layers to work through for everyone involved.
I hope he follows through with everything and embraces recovery. I think you'll sense it and see it, but it takes time.
I almost want to caution him not to promise you anything he cannot follow through with since broken promises won't heal any wounds. His intentions may be good and he may follow through with his promises, but early recovery takes a lot of time, effort and work...it's not for the faint of heart...and there's lots of layers to work through for everyone involved.
I hope he follows through with everything and embraces recovery. I think you'll sense it and see it, but it takes time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm on the cynical side here. I think from what I read that you went back to Vietnam. Correct me if I'm wrong. That the house is in Turkey. Again, correct me if I'm wrong.
If he want to sign all these things over to you, which I think you did pay for, I would take that. Then after you get the things that you paid for, I would tell him "NO". See if he will still make the changes for himself, instead of trying to manipulate you.
Also, remember the children, they would have to live with him also.
I'm not trying to be cold here, but he was very cold to you, and I don't want to see you go through that again.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
If he want to sign all these things over to you, which I think you did pay for, I would take that. Then after you get the things that you paid for, I would tell him "NO". See if he will still make the changes for himself, instead of trying to manipulate you.
Also, remember the children, they would have to live with him also.
I'm not trying to be cold here, but he was very cold to you, and I don't want to see you go through that again.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
From what you've told us before, he's an easy-come easy-go man with few morals. He's full of promises now, but wait and see what he actually does.
Accept the signing over of the house, watch to see if the debts are paid off. If he does these things, as opposed to promising.
Place some priority on securing your future. Time will tell about him.
Accept the signing over of the house, watch to see if the debts are paid off. If he does these things, as opposed to promising.
Place some priority on securing your future. Time will tell about him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Why "agree" to anything with him? If he honestly wants to recover he will do so with or without any promises from you. If he claims he can't, without your commitment, well, there's your answer. It's a ploy to manipulate you to dropping everything, second-guessing yourself, etc.
I would really STRONGLY recommend that you simply stay the course you have set for yourself. When/if he actually DOES do what he claims he will do, and presents himself to you at some point in the future as a truly changed man, backing it up with actual evidence of that change, then you can, if you choose to, think about rekindling a relationship with him. But I wouldn't hold out any promises to him at this point.
Personally, I think he's simply stalling and trying to derail you. If I'm wrong about that, you still will be better off if you wrap things up for now and wait until he puts his money where his mouth is.
I would really STRONGLY recommend that you simply stay the course you have set for yourself. When/if he actually DOES do what he claims he will do, and presents himself to you at some point in the future as a truly changed man, backing it up with actual evidence of that change, then you can, if you choose to, think about rekindling a relationship with him. But I wouldn't hold out any promises to him at this point.
Personally, I think he's simply stalling and trying to derail you. If I'm wrong about that, you still will be better off if you wrap things up for now and wait until he puts his money where his mouth is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you wanna know if he's SERIOUS about all this?
tell him NO.
tell him NO.
i cant say how many times i begged,pleaded, im changing, im sorried,i promised my way back into a relationship only to prove i was full of crap in short order.
"Was thinking to say ok 6 months - show me how you changed and we can talk then."
i highly suggest NOT mentioning any time limit. the old drunk me is thinking,"she wont see me ALL the time, so i'll just have to watch myself. make sure i dont call or answer the phone when im drinkin, dont drink on the days i see her, make sure i dont run into her when im drinkin.............."
you shall know them by their works
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Im in a bit of the same situation with my husband. I am giving it some time partially because I need it, and partially because I want to give him time and make sure he has his life together. Im not doing no contact because it not something I need in my situation right now. Do whats best for you, and try to be honest with him regarding your feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
It's a hard call. My ex divorced me in part because of my alcoholism. She had her own issues, but that's something else. I told her to give me chance to straighten out my life and prove that I could be a really good husband and father. She refused and went ahead with the divorce. I sobered up and embraced recovery. I'm a better dad now than I ever have been. I pay what I owe my ex and do what I say I'm going to do. I don't make promises I can't keep, and I'm active in every facet of my kids lives. I watch out for my ex from a distance but keep my nose our of her business and her private life. My life is in order and I'm happy. And I wouldn't take my ex back now for all the tea in china. She made her bed. She can sleep in it. What am I getting at with all this rambling? That ppl can and do change. Go ahead with the divorce, but let him know that if he really wants a chance with you down the road, he needs to prove it with actions. Long term, committed actions. Not words. But also be aware that when ppl really embrace recovery, they can and do change their minds about what they want out of life. Best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm speaking as a recovering alcoholic and codependent. My advice: run as fast as you can and don't look back. Alcoholics go to great lengths to hang on to their enablers and will tell you anything to keep you in place. There is nothing you can do or say to affect his drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
Problem is...I am not even sure any longer that he is an alcoholic...
He is drinking the odd beer but nothing more...has been more of a binge drinker in the past or a reaction to events...more of a weak character...low self esteem covered with lies ....and business failure.
Plus we had tremendous problems for the last 6 years with my eldest daughter (i adopted her as a single parent when she was 2.5years) When she hit adolescence at 12 ..life became unbearable and the damage caused by her indescribable really - hard to believ it but true.....chronic lying/stealing/running away/promiscuity/ dangerous situations. I know I overprotected her and we were often at loggerheads over how to deal with her - not that anything worked.
I am just so confused right now... H or AH ...working hard right now...still stating he will be transparent...deal with his demons...go to therapy when work eases up in October. He is signing the house and car over to me this week.
I have so many questions I want to ask...discussions I want to have with him but I feel now is not the right time...he is so tired and I am not clm enough...My 16 yr old is angry with me for even talking to him - she is so hurt by him and thinks he will only bring more unhappiness
but I feel like I am not done...that a final try with therapy/couples therapy will help me to look objectively. If run I feel I only take all this doubt with me.
He is drinking the odd beer but nothing more...has been more of a binge drinker in the past or a reaction to events...more of a weak character...low self esteem covered with lies ....and business failure.
Plus we had tremendous problems for the last 6 years with my eldest daughter (i adopted her as a single parent when she was 2.5years) When she hit adolescence at 12 ..life became unbearable and the damage caused by her indescribable really - hard to believ it but true.....chronic lying/stealing/running away/promiscuity/ dangerous situations. I know I overprotected her and we were often at loggerheads over how to deal with her - not that anything worked.
I am just so confused right now... H or AH ...working hard right now...still stating he will be transparent...deal with his demons...go to therapy when work eases up in October. He is signing the house and car over to me this week.
I have so many questions I want to ask...discussions I want to have with him but I feel now is not the right time...he is so tired and I am not clm enough...My 16 yr old is angry with me for even talking to him - she is so hurt by him and thinks he will only bring more unhappiness
but I feel like I am not done...that a final try with therapy/couples therapy will help me to look objectively. If run I feel I only take all this doubt with me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
merhaba.....I don't think that looking after your welfare and that of your children is "running".
Why does it matter, at this point, if he is an alcoholic or not.....the way you have been treated is the way you have been treated---regardless of the reasons.....
Promises are easy to make....talk is cheap....
Promises can vanish as quickly as the dew in the morning sun....
Look for actions....only actions....
Why does it matter, at this point, if he is an alcoholic or not.....the way you have been treated is the way you have been treated---regardless of the reasons.....
Promises are easy to make....talk is cheap....
Promises can vanish as quickly as the dew in the morning sun....
Look for actions....only actions....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
