Daughter and her BF
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Daughter and her BF
So, I'll try to summarize this as best I can, but the issues date back a way.
My wife and I have been married for 26 years, have 3 kids. The one that has vexed us the most has been our daughter. She turned 20 this year. She's been dating a guy since the last year of high school, who is now 26, I think he was 24 when they met.
Anyhow, she was living at home and he was pretty much constantly there, more so once she graduated. I asked a few times about his employment status, as he drove a really beat up pickup, but I didn't push to hard for a while, as I started out humble in life too. Time went by and he never seemed to be looking for work, which was a red flag. Another was I kept catching her in lies to me about where she was taking our car, etc... There was one morning when I was getting ready for work I heard her crying, and I mean in a really weird way, and I kick myself for not pushing, but she said she was alright.
The Friday in early November prior to the worst week of my life should have also warned us. My daughter had been working at a healthcare facility for a little over 3 months and really seemed to like it. Then one night she just walked off the job, no reason, no notice. She came home and supposedly went to bed.
My wife was called by a friend who works there that our daughter was missing at work. They were both working a midnight shift, so my wife rushes over, and in the processes of trying to find out where our daughter is, she is congratulated on the marriage, apparently they went to get hitched without telling us, while lving under our roof.
So saturday rolls about, and my daughter asks to use the car to supposedly try and talk to her supervisor about saving her job. I say yes. By this point though, my trust is gone, and I have an app on her phone that lets me track her location. She went in the opposite direction. It wasn't until I lit her phone up with the threat of reporting the car stolen that she finally answers my call and she comes home.
So we got a call at 6am on Monday from her BF that she was in intensive care, his story was that he had really high blood sugar or something to that effect. Earlier around 2am my wife (she works midnights, but was home and keeps the same hours) hear what sounded like someone making a lot of noise leaving the house. That was them leaving for the hospital.
We get to the hospital in a short amount of time, but the nurses won't tell us anything, our daughter was 19, and obviously hippa and all. So my wife gets her to admit that it was drugs, and to allow the medical staff to talk to us about her condition. After some confrontation with the BF, mainly because he could speak, our daughter was on oxygen and couldn't really talk she was so short of breath we found out it was heroin.
She was in bad shape, she had pneumonia, you could see severe bruises on her chest where they did compressions, she was on oxygen too. Her color was nothing but grey. A parent's worst nightmare. I am obviously furious.
As we get the whole story of what happened, that saturday when they used our car they picked up some heroin, and she used it. Apparently her BF has been using Heroin for some time, and "helped her." It turns out that when he realized she was in trouble, instead of getting us (my wife is a nurse) or calling 911, he calls his mom. She runs 20-30 minutes from her place to ours, they bundle our daughter into her car and they drive her to the ER... all while we are upstairs. Needless to say my opinion of his family isn't exactly positive.
4 days pass, she is due to be released, but we put a rule down that her BF will not be coming back to our house unsupervised. He can visit if we are there, and he starts to go to rehab. We want her to go to. She swears she only used 3 times... but at this point I can't trust anything.
So on that 4th day, she moves out with the BF to his parent's house. We're angry, more so because of our view that his parents are enabling a bad situation. But we take the unenviable step of cutting off any financial or material support. We keep communication open, and advise her she can come home any time she wants, etc...
A couple months go by and in early January she supposedly leaves him because he gets high again. We also discover that due to a paperwork mishap at the courthouse they were never technically married either. Things seem to be looking up some.
We find out she's pregnant by him. She starts seeing him again, at first under the theory that she is taking him to Narcalon meetings and to help him get into a sober living house.
We are still deadset against even talking to the BF at this point. Granted she took the stuff of her own accord, but as we spoke with local law and others the BF has had felony convictions and was under steady watch by the local cops due to past drug history. In fact we are informed that his whole family has had run ins and is under watch by the local drug task force. It's a sobering discovery.
2 months ago, she moves out supposedly on her own because she doesn't want to have her child in her parent's house. Every time we want to visit she has an excuse or is "out" I'd long suspected that the BF was living with her all along. They apparently both got jobs through a temp service a few months ago so he's actually working for once.
Turns out, even though my wife wanted to believe her, it was another lie, she'd been living with the BF again.
Which brings us to today. my daughter has asked that we let him talk to us so he can apologize for everything. My wife thinks we should at this point, more so she can see the baby and is afraid of being locked out. I'm having a much harder time of it, the lies, and all the frustration just keep welling up to the point that I just can't think straight. The last 8 months have been nothing but worry and it's hell.
Part of my wants to be able to at least accept his apology, but a larger part just can't get past everything that's happened. She was never like this till she hooked up with him, Had great potential for art and music, wanted to be a teacher. Now she's happy with being just another factory grunt working through a temp service. It's heart breaking as a parent.
Any thoughts would be appreciated, and I apologize for the long post. I'm generally a keep to myself kind of person, and getting it out I think helped somewhat.
My wife and I have been married for 26 years, have 3 kids. The one that has vexed us the most has been our daughter. She turned 20 this year. She's been dating a guy since the last year of high school, who is now 26, I think he was 24 when they met.
Anyhow, she was living at home and he was pretty much constantly there, more so once she graduated. I asked a few times about his employment status, as he drove a really beat up pickup, but I didn't push to hard for a while, as I started out humble in life too. Time went by and he never seemed to be looking for work, which was a red flag. Another was I kept catching her in lies to me about where she was taking our car, etc... There was one morning when I was getting ready for work I heard her crying, and I mean in a really weird way, and I kick myself for not pushing, but she said she was alright.
The Friday in early November prior to the worst week of my life should have also warned us. My daughter had been working at a healthcare facility for a little over 3 months and really seemed to like it. Then one night she just walked off the job, no reason, no notice. She came home and supposedly went to bed.
My wife was called by a friend who works there that our daughter was missing at work. They were both working a midnight shift, so my wife rushes over, and in the processes of trying to find out where our daughter is, she is congratulated on the marriage, apparently they went to get hitched without telling us, while lving under our roof.
So saturday rolls about, and my daughter asks to use the car to supposedly try and talk to her supervisor about saving her job. I say yes. By this point though, my trust is gone, and I have an app on her phone that lets me track her location. She went in the opposite direction. It wasn't until I lit her phone up with the threat of reporting the car stolen that she finally answers my call and she comes home.
So we got a call at 6am on Monday from her BF that she was in intensive care, his story was that he had really high blood sugar or something to that effect. Earlier around 2am my wife (she works midnights, but was home and keeps the same hours) hear what sounded like someone making a lot of noise leaving the house. That was them leaving for the hospital.
We get to the hospital in a short amount of time, but the nurses won't tell us anything, our daughter was 19, and obviously hippa and all. So my wife gets her to admit that it was drugs, and to allow the medical staff to talk to us about her condition. After some confrontation with the BF, mainly because he could speak, our daughter was on oxygen and couldn't really talk she was so short of breath we found out it was heroin.
She was in bad shape, she had pneumonia, you could see severe bruises on her chest where they did compressions, she was on oxygen too. Her color was nothing but grey. A parent's worst nightmare. I am obviously furious.
As we get the whole story of what happened, that saturday when they used our car they picked up some heroin, and she used it. Apparently her BF has been using Heroin for some time, and "helped her." It turns out that when he realized she was in trouble, instead of getting us (my wife is a nurse) or calling 911, he calls his mom. She runs 20-30 minutes from her place to ours, they bundle our daughter into her car and they drive her to the ER... all while we are upstairs. Needless to say my opinion of his family isn't exactly positive.
4 days pass, she is due to be released, but we put a rule down that her BF will not be coming back to our house unsupervised. He can visit if we are there, and he starts to go to rehab. We want her to go to. She swears she only used 3 times... but at this point I can't trust anything.
So on that 4th day, she moves out with the BF to his parent's house. We're angry, more so because of our view that his parents are enabling a bad situation. But we take the unenviable step of cutting off any financial or material support. We keep communication open, and advise her she can come home any time she wants, etc...
A couple months go by and in early January she supposedly leaves him because he gets high again. We also discover that due to a paperwork mishap at the courthouse they were never technically married either. Things seem to be looking up some.
We find out she's pregnant by him. She starts seeing him again, at first under the theory that she is taking him to Narcalon meetings and to help him get into a sober living house.
We are still deadset against even talking to the BF at this point. Granted she took the stuff of her own accord, but as we spoke with local law and others the BF has had felony convictions and was under steady watch by the local cops due to past drug history. In fact we are informed that his whole family has had run ins and is under watch by the local drug task force. It's a sobering discovery.
2 months ago, she moves out supposedly on her own because she doesn't want to have her child in her parent's house. Every time we want to visit she has an excuse or is "out" I'd long suspected that the BF was living with her all along. They apparently both got jobs through a temp service a few months ago so he's actually working for once.
Turns out, even though my wife wanted to believe her, it was another lie, she'd been living with the BF again.
Which brings us to today. my daughter has asked that we let him talk to us so he can apologize for everything. My wife thinks we should at this point, more so she can see the baby and is afraid of being locked out. I'm having a much harder time of it, the lies, and all the frustration just keep welling up to the point that I just can't think straight. The last 8 months have been nothing but worry and it's hell.
Part of my wants to be able to at least accept his apology, but a larger part just can't get past everything that's happened. She was never like this till she hooked up with him, Had great potential for art and music, wanted to be a teacher. Now she's happy with being just another factory grunt working through a temp service. It's heart breaking as a parent.
Any thoughts would be appreciated, and I apologize for the long post. I'm generally a keep to myself kind of person, and getting it out I think helped somewhat.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Trumanp
I'm sorry for what brings you here
While waiting for the SR troops to respond. There is a lot of good information. To read on this forum. Countless stories of pain & suffering you will read a lot of candid solid advice
I have my own story posted on this forum. I'm in the midst of dealing with it all now
Addiction is extremely destructive. Heroine is a horrible drug. Unfortunately there are no simple answers
I know it took courage for you to post your situation. I took me many months of lurking behind the scenes until I posted my story
I wish you all the best
I'm sorry for what brings you here
While waiting for the SR troops to respond. There is a lot of good information. To read on this forum. Countless stories of pain & suffering you will read a lot of candid solid advice
I have my own story posted on this forum. I'm in the midst of dealing with it all now
Addiction is extremely destructive. Heroine is a horrible drug. Unfortunately there are no simple answers
I know it took courage for you to post your situation. I took me many months of lurking behind the scenes until I posted my story
I wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Trumanp,
I am glad you found SR! I am so sorry to hear what you and your wife have been going through. I absolutely hate addiction. I understand your wife's fear of being locked out. Right now, that baby is the most vulnerable person in the family. In my experience, an addict can talk all day long but none of it matters....it's the actions you watch. Are they currently clean? Working any kind of recovery program?
My Al-Anon group has been a lifesaver for me. I don't think I could handle my son's addiction without the support I receive from them. I would encourage you to try to find an Al-Anon or NarAnon group. I think you would find it a huge help. Please keep posting and reading here at SR. There are many kind souls here that are always willing to lend an ear.
Jaeger
I am glad you found SR! I am so sorry to hear what you and your wife have been going through. I absolutely hate addiction. I understand your wife's fear of being locked out. Right now, that baby is the most vulnerable person in the family. In my experience, an addict can talk all day long but none of it matters....it's the actions you watch. Are they currently clean? Working any kind of recovery program?
My Al-Anon group has been a lifesaver for me. I don't think I could handle my son's addiction without the support I receive from them. I would encourage you to try to find an Al-Anon or NarAnon group. I think you would find it a huge help. Please keep posting and reading here at SR. There are many kind souls here that are always willing to lend an ear.
Jaeger
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am very sorry for what has brought you here to SR. Is there any other support that you, your wife and the other children have received to help the family navigate through addiction? Like nar-anon, al-anon, family therapy with an addiction specialist? And if the answer is no then I highly suggest you find something for all of you excluding the addict.
Already your wife is allowing the addicts to be in charge out of fear of a grandchild being withheld from her. Sadly, with your daughter’s situation I would suggest you both prepare to possibly raise that child.
Checkout what the laws in your state are regarding testing for drugs during pregnancy and how and where child protective services might enter this picture.
Already your wife is allowing the addicts to be in charge out of fear of a grandchild being withheld from her. Sadly, with your daughter’s situation I would suggest you both prepare to possibly raise that child.
Checkout what the laws in your state are regarding testing for drugs during pregnancy and how and where child protective services might enter this picture.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Already your wife is allowing the addicts to be in charge out of fear of a grandchild being withheld from her. Sadly, with your daughter’s situation I would suggest you both prepare to possibly raise that child.
Checkout what the laws in your state are regarding testing for drugs during pregnancy and how and where child protective services might enter this picture.
Checkout what the laws in your state are regarding testing for drugs during pregnancy and how and where child protective services might enter this picture.
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Thanks for the kind thoughts and comments.
Counseling is something my wife and I have talked about, and I think we need to take that step, for ourselves to start but would hope to get the rest of the family to go as well.
Counseling is something my wife and I have talked about, and I think we need to take that step, for ourselves to start but would hope to get the rest of the family to go as well.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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To be honest, I wouldn't accept his apology. He's proven by his actions that he's not trustworthy or responsible. To be blunt, his words mean nothing at this point. Let him prove by his actions going forward that he's sorry. That's true contrition, not hollow lip service.
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Doesn't sound like you are ready to listen to an apology, which is fine, nothing wrong with that. The whole scenario is still a pretty fresh wound to your parental heart. Just don't shut the door for possibly listening to one in the future.
As an alcoholic, along the recovery road for a few years, I can tell you that amends are a slow process and take a while. A verbal apology is all nice and wonderful, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. Many times it is not, nor should it be, the starting point. Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap, anybody can do it.
My part in an amend is to make sure that it comes from my heart, a desire to heal the pain of someone else, not my own.
Leave your heart open. Listen to your heart. It will know when.
Doesn't show me much on his part. Does point to enabling tendencies on your daughter's part.
My heart goes out to you for the pain this situation is causing. I will take your share forward with me on my recovery journey. Thank you and godspeed.
As an alcoholic, along the recovery road for a few years, I can tell you that amends are a slow process and take a while. A verbal apology is all nice and wonderful, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. Many times it is not, nor should it be, the starting point. Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap, anybody can do it.
My part in an amend is to make sure that it comes from my heart, a desire to heal the pain of someone else, not my own.
Leave your heart open. Listen to your heart. It will know when.
Which brings us to today. my daughter has asked that we let him talk to us so he can apologize for everything.
My heart goes out to you for the pain this situation is causing. I will take your share forward with me on my recovery journey. Thank you and godspeed.
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Originally Posted by cece1960
I agree with atalose. Being proactive when it comes to the baby is the best plan for now. Go ahead and let him apologize. You don't have to believe it or act on it.
My suggestion was more along the lines of preparing themselves to raise another child for when/if the baby gets taken away from their daughter due to drug use or the child being in a drug invested environment.
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Originally Posted by Trumanp
Unfortunately, that thought has more than once crossed my mind. I've considered talking to a lawyer I know to get a feel for our options if things go south. I have a feeling the BF's family will be a factor as well.
See I see it like this, your daughter is manipulating this situation so that you and your wife will be nice to him so that eventually when she wants to move back home with the baby, he comes along as well.
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Dear Truman, I am a parent of a heroin addict son (in recovery now). He has manipulated and lived off three different women since we asked him to leave our home in 2014. Addicts are MASTER liars. Thank goodness my son didn't have any children with these women, that would have made things so much harder. My thought is to meet with your daughter and the baby WITHOUT him and let her know how you feel about HER. She may be feeling lonely and lost and needs to know you still love her and more importantly, that you love the baby. As far as the guy goes, I would stick with your boundaries and let actions speak for themselves. Hugs, there is no easy path when dealing with Heroin.
TT
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Originally Posted by atalose
No, I did not say accept the apology. Actually my thoughts on that are. I wouldn't even meet with him, there has been so sign of real recovery other then "words".
My suggestion was more along the lines of preparing themselves to raise another child for when/if the baby gets taken away from their daughter due to drug use or the child being in a drug invested environment.
My suggestion was more along the lines of preparing themselves to raise another child for when/if the baby gets taken away from their daughter due to drug use or the child being in a drug invested environment.
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That's pretty much my take on it at this point. They are already scrounging for money, and I'm fully expecting her to want to move back home.
Sadly, as an update she uses a cell phone I pay for, she's never reimbursed me for the service. Anyhow I use sprint and they have a family locator service that lets you track phones on your plan, and when I tracked hers the other day it appeared at least her phone was in a known area where drugs are sold in a city 30 minutes away. Which probably explains why they are short on money again.
So calling lawyers I know to get a recommendation on one who specializes in family law today.
Sadly, as an update she uses a cell phone I pay for, she's never reimbursed me for the service. Anyhow I use sprint and they have a family locator service that lets you track phones on your plan, and when I tracked hers the other day it appeared at least her phone was in a known area where drugs are sold in a city 30 minutes away. Which probably explains why they are short on money again.
So calling lawyers I know to get a recommendation on one who specializes in family law today.
Originally Posted by atalose
I would get ahead of this and speak with an attorney who specializes in family law. Find out what options may be available to you both for the welfare and wellbeing of the baby. I have no doubt his family will be a factor as will any drug use by either of them or living in a known drug environment.
See I see it like this, your daughter is manipulating this situation so that you and your wife will be nice to him so that eventually when she wants to move back home with the baby, he comes along as well.
See I see it like this, your daughter is manipulating this situation so that you and your wife will be nice to him so that eventually when she wants to move back home with the baby, he comes along as well.
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What you described as far as manipulation sounds about right.
We've had several sit downs , talked about how we will always love her, but that we can not accept her BF, nor his family who have been enablers in a big way. It was his mom who came to our house and transported our daughter to the ER, instead of calling the EMS like any normal parent would. My opinion has been that she was trying to cover for him.
We're unfortunately resigned to the fact that she takes his word over ours in all matters at this point, and know that this is likely to get worse before it gets better. I just hope that it doesn't lead to her going to jail due to his actions. But maybe that is the step that it takes to make her realize that he's that bad.
We've had several sit downs , talked about how we will always love her, but that we can not accept her BF, nor his family who have been enablers in a big way. It was his mom who came to our house and transported our daughter to the ER, instead of calling the EMS like any normal parent would. My opinion has been that she was trying to cover for him.
We're unfortunately resigned to the fact that she takes his word over ours in all matters at this point, and know that this is likely to get worse before it gets better. I just hope that it doesn't lead to her going to jail due to his actions. But maybe that is the step that it takes to make her realize that he's that bad.
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
Dear Truman, I am a parent of a heroin addict son (in recovery now). He has manipulated and lived off three different women since we asked him to leave our home in 2014. Addicts are MASTER liars. Thank goodness my son didn't have any children with these women, that would have made things so much harder. My thought is to meet with your daughter and the baby WITHOUT him and let her know how you feel about HER. She may be feeling lonely and lost and needs to know you still love her and more importantly, that you love the baby. As far as the guy goes, I would stick with your boundaries and let actions speak for themselves. Hugs, there is no easy path when dealing with Heroin.
TT
TT
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I'm so sorry you are going through this, trumanp.
My son is a heroin addict. At rehab right now after a short stint in jail. It sucks.
Al-Anon is a good resource. I see an addiction counselor. He has pretty much saved me and helped me stay grounded. Lots of love and prayers for your family.
My son is a heroin addict. At rehab right now after a short stint in jail. It sucks.
Al-Anon is a good resource. I see an addiction counselor. He has pretty much saved me and helped me stay grounded. Lots of love and prayers for your family.
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Well, this is a hard road, isn't it?
I applaud your boundary re the bf. Keep that strong, else you will have everyone back under your roof.
That's really all I have today.
But...sending you good thoughts, and hoping that your daughter gets her act together for the child.
Good luck.
I applaud your boundary re the bf. Keep that strong, else you will have everyone back under your roof.
That's really all I have today.
But...sending you good thoughts, and hoping that your daughter gets her act together for the child.
Good luck.
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Trumanp,
Sorry for what you are going through.
My first thought was that your daughter may not be being honest with you about her own drug use. But, time will reveal . . .
I agree with going to NarAnon and / or AlAnon meetings. I went to both and it saved my life - the support was so helpful. I knew (in my head) I wasn't alone in the struggle of having a drug addict son, but until I was in the room with the other parents and family members I still felt alone.
Sorry for what you are going through.
My first thought was that your daughter may not be being honest with you about her own drug use. But, time will reveal . . .
I agree with going to NarAnon and / or AlAnon meetings. I went to both and it saved my life - the support was so helpful. I knew (in my head) I wasn't alone in the struggle of having a drug addict son, but until I was in the room with the other parents and family members I still felt alone.
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Trumanp
I'm sorry for what brings you here. and please stay and pour your heart and soul here.. get your wife to do this with you.. Please.. for both of you need this great group of people to help you hold tight...
the Mom in me is weeping for your family.. the Great Aunt is weeping for the little one to be.. for if your daughter is doing drugs the little one is getting hooked without it knowing what is happening..
prayers so many many prayers..
I'm sorry for what brings you here. and please stay and pour your heart and soul here.. get your wife to do this with you.. Please.. for both of you need this great group of people to help you hold tight...
the Mom in me is weeping for your family.. the Great Aunt is weeping for the little one to be.. for if your daughter is doing drugs the little one is getting hooked without it knowing what is happening..
prayers so many many prayers..
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