DesertEyes

Sucks to be a newbie

I went to my first ever Al-Anon meeting last nite and identified as a newcomer. Managed not to cry and make a fool of myself for most of it. Every single person who shared last night brought up some "codie" behavior of theirs that has caused them pain in their life. Every last one of those behaviors describes me perfectly. I got _such_ a resentment.

But I shared. I know I can't survive this alone. I have to connect with all you crazy people in Al-Anon. I shared and cried like an idiot. I know I've got it all wrong. The only reason I'm going is because I've got this twisted idea that somehow I can save my marriage in the next few weeks. I know that's the wrong reason to go, but I'm going anyway.

Well, I think I need to do some rigorous honesty here. I'm going because I'm scared out of my wits. I'm scared for me a little, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter. I'm scared for my wife. I'm scared for all the pain that she is going thru, I'm scared for her living alone being disabled, I'm scared for what she will do with the rest of her life.

Yes, I was told that's all twisted also. But it's all I've got so until I get something better I'm hanging on to that.

Fear is the absence of faith. I've said that a million times to a million people. These last few days I completely lost mine. Still looking for it. My wife has had so many surgeries for her disability, and I remember all the times I held her and caressed her and promissed her that she was going to be fine, that I would have faith for her while she found hers. I had to take months off work to care for her, insurance wouldn't pay for a caretaker and it was cheaper to go without the paycheck than to hire somebody ourselves.

The meeting was good. They made me feel welcomed, I realize I belong there. I have a huge list of phone numbers they gave me. One of the guys invited me to a meeting tonite. It's a long ways away, somehow, the drive seems so long. Maybe it's just part of the whole "shock" that I'm going thru.

So, I am now officially on day #1 of my Al-Anon recovery. I want a newcomer chip. I'm not going thru all this pain and insanity and not getting _something_ out of it ;-)

Mike :-)

Lorelai

I'm not going thru all this pain and insanity and not getting _something_ out of it ;-)

Oh, Mike. You'll get something out of it. And it will be much more valuable than a chip.

Hugs - L

Rella927

Your not an idiot-sharing and crying is a good thing-it means you are on your way through all the pain and insanity to a brighter future! I myself would not trade being a newbie for anything-the insight that I have gained and will continue to gain from my meetings and others is such an amazing feeling once we see what going through all the pain means. It is the hardest thing to do but worth every step...we must go through the worst of it to get to the best of it. Hang in there and stick around here the people in here are so inspiring just when you will need it the most so try not to feel that you are surviving this alone the help is here for you ...Prayers to you on your new journey. And as Lore put it so well you will be getting something more valuable than a chip"

CrazyRed

Welcome Mike!

You mentioned fear in your post -I believe that anger is 100% fear.

Maybe you'll save your marriage, you will definitely save yourself first.

Keep reading and posting, we are glad you are here!!!


~Red

Magichappens

Mike,
New isn't ever comfortable. Comfort isn't always a good thing. Comfort kept me from being open to new and better ways to live.

Whatever reason you are going to Al-Anon for, you are looking in the right direction. I have found a lot of peace there. I highly recommend "How Al-Anon Works" and "Paths to Recovery" as good reading.

Praying for peace and healing for you and your wife. Hugs, Magic

journeygal

(((((((Mike))))))

I bet 90% of people who end up in al-anon are trying to save their marriage or stop their loved ones from drinking or using. That's ok. It's the ones who stay who end up saving themselves.

I'm glad you reached out.

Hugs,
JG

StandingStrong

Well, it may suck to be a newbie as you said, but I also think that it's wonderful in a way.
Okay, so you're thinking I'm truly one of these crazy people at this point, but that's okay.
You see, being a newbie is better than where you were in the sense that you have the opportunity to fix yourself. Living in denial may hurt less, but it's really unhealthy in the long run.
This is a big opportunity for you. And having been a newbie before (and consider that I always will be as I continue to grow and change), I can only tell you that this door that you've entered can lead into many wonderful things for you. Yes, it's scary right now and it's dowright depressing. It hurts, it sucks, and you probably have moments where you feel "stuck" and wanna just slam that door shut and go back to where you were. Pain hurts - and we usually have to go through the horrible pain to get better and heal.
I know things are rough for you right now and I'm sure you are feeling overwhelmed with despair. But you are on the right road here. I'm sure that by reading other's posts, you realize that we've all been in worse places than we are now.
It's one step at a time, one day at a time, etc. baby steps! Hang in there - it will get better.

gelfling

Hey Mikey,

Somebody's got to be the newbie. Who else are we going to help? Yeppers, it's insanity from all sides. But, considering you're doing the meetings and are posting here, you've got a good start.

Your gain will be tenfold. You'll grow in mind, body and soul in such a way you never thought possible. You'll become stronger, confident and in time, you'll look back and say, "oh sh**, was I screwed up." Even in regard to your wife, you'll be able to detach and get on with your life. I know it sounds impossible, but it's not.

Limit your pity parties to 30 seconds, one daily. That doesn't mean you should stop crying. Cry for goodness sakes... It cleanses the body and soul of impurities. Never be ashamed. My son is a big one for crying and he's 24.

Take care of yourself. Go to meetings and keep your higher power in mind. He/She's just waiting to hear from you.

Blessings, Kathy

jojo

Mike -

I'm sorry for all the pain that you are feeling right now. You've done a good thing for yourself by going to Alanon. You won't get instant results but gradually it will help you find your way.

Until then, I want to pass along something that I say to myself when times are tough and it seems to help me. GRAB YOUR A$$ WITH BOTH HANDS AND KEEP PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. Say it first thing in the morning and as many times as you need to each day. Some how it makes me feel more in control of my life. Hope it works the same for you.

Hugs, Jo

BigSis

Hey Mike,

Welcome and here's a big ol' hug. Heck, I tell my husband I only go to Al-Anon for the hugs, anyway (wink).

Actually, it has saved my life... I had a bridge abutment all picked out and everything, I even started saying good bye to things.... then I called one of the numbers those folks gave me and I got back a little sanity. It was such a relief! I really didn't want to leave here, but I was hurting too much to stay. Now I gotta stay... those folks NEED me!

Keep going, Mike. It takes a little while, but it really makes a difference.

BigSis

DesertEyes

Yes, thank you. Nothing beats the wonders of a good program.

Mike :-)

Alice Wonder

Mike i am so proud of you for taking charge of your own happiness. From thought to action is the biggest leap of faith anyone can take!!!! you have been through so much and yet you are open, caring and making an effort. opening up like you have done and allowing others to share your journey is wonderful and very generous of you. thanks! love-alice

DesertEyes

Thank you for your support. I'm hanging on.

Mike :-)

DesertEyes

thank you, it most definetly does _not_ feel like it, but I'm hanging on to my HP anyway.

Thank you for that, I'm soaking them all in.

Mike :-)

DesertEyes

Thank you magic. I know that it will be good for me. My mind is just not all that clear yet, still fuzzy from the shock. Definetly better than a couple days ago, but not yet ready to tackle big issues.

thank you, am soaking in all those prayers.

Mike :-)

DesertEyes

I realize I need it for me, I'm just a little desperate right now to save my marriage. AA has gotten me this far over the last 24 years, I guess it's time for me to add a new dimension to my recovery. You know, if I had only known, if anybody had given me a clue that I was causing my wife so much harm I would have come running in here _years_ ago.

Nobody said a frikkin word. Time to get a new AA sponsor, huh? Along with an Al-Anon sponsor. Maybe I should find a married couple and have them each sponsor me in a different program, save on my phone bills.

Reached out? I'm clawing my way onto this life raft with nails and toes!!!!

Thanx for all your hugs and prayers, you've been a wonderful support for me.

Mike :-)

DesertEyes

Yup, all you Al-Anons are nuts. Why else would you endure this kind of agony just cuz you love

somebody? ;-) 'course, I'm sitting here in a pit of anguish as a result of the exact same

reasons, so I'm just as nuts as the rest of you <lol>

Yes, I just hit that denial wall last Saturday. I'm not real clear on this yet, but it does

seem like I've been in denial for 2 - 3 years.

Um.... no.... I most definetly do _not_ want to hurt like this. I do _not_ want my marriage

back the way it was because it was _broke_. I want it _fixed_. I want the tools to fix my

issues, the tools to learn how to communicate, and the fellowship to do it with. I know I can

fix me, it's my marriage that I'm frightened for.

That is a very good word. Overwhelmed. Everything hit me at once. I thought life's

challenges were supposed to come in waves? I got nailed with 3 at once. That wasn't part of

the deal, can I ask for a refund?

Yes indeed. It was those posts and my real life friends that got me thru the first few days of this nightmare. Knowing that it is possible to survive this kind of emotions from having read other posts over the previous weeks is what I was desperately hanging on to.

yeah, yeah, yeah, I want it _now_, durn it!

Mike :-)

cwohio

mike - you've been given so much good feedback from the wise ones above. i think we all felt/feel at some point in time that had we known the harm we were doing we would have done something sooner.

pain sucks, but most of us wouldn't have found this site and other help if we hadn't had enough pain to force us to surrender to change.

hang in there and take jojo's advice.

hugs - cwohio

DesertEyes

Hey gelfling :-) Is that gelfling as in the "Black Crystal"? Those were the cutest little

critters ever.

<lol> Glad to be of service <lmao>

thank you, thank you. Encouragement from old-timers is always welcomed :-)

You got that right. I'm not giving up on my marriage yet. I'm hitting the meetings and

praying my tush off. There's nothing separating us except our own shortcomings, and I have no

attachment to my shortcomings at all. It's the HP's turn to take a shot at fixing this mess,

and I'm giving him plenty of nudges ;-)

<lmao> You think I can _control_ these things?!!?! They just wallop me out of nowhere. The

harder I try to hold it in the longer they last. If I just let go then I'll cry for maybe a

minute and then it's over. Way better than my two day marathon over the weekend, mind you.

You tell where in the book I can find the way to control these things and I'm there :-)

I am down to just a handful in the morning and a few sporadic ones during the day. Oh yeah,

and if I share at a meeting, forget it, you better get in a life boat cuz I flood the place ;-)

Well I _was_ trying to stop it at first. Boy that sure didn't work. Once I just let it flow,

and got to eating properly, things improved quickly. I've also noticed that my blood sugar

levels make them worse. I have hypoglycemia and my moods tend to swing around with my blood

sugar, so I probably got myself into a sugar induced depression there and didn't even know it.

Working on that ;-) One of my major character defects there.

Oh yes, I'm praying 24/7 here. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, ya know ;-)

thanks for your kind words, it has made all the difference knowing that people care, especially when they don't even know me.

Mike :-)

DesertEyes

thank you for your kind words, I'm doing much better now.

yeah, I know. I _want_ instant results, in a bad way. Guess I should have never prayed for patience, huh?

<lol> I'm in Los Angeles, if I ran around with my hands on my ass people would think I'm some kinda nutcase ;-)

Prayer works better for me. Lords prayer especially. Simple and direct. There's the prayer of acceptance on page 63 of the AA Big Book that I need to be _able_ to say. I can read it, I can make the effort, but it's not coming from the heart. That's the one that needs to be my long term goal. I'm not going to be able to overcome this whole mess until I can _believe_ that prayer.

You know, I'm not able to do that. Feeling in control of my life usually gets me in some kind of trouble somewhere along the way. What works for me is to truly believe that my HP is in control. For the most part I can't do that. But when I do, the peace and serenity I receive is amazing.

thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

Mike :-)