Fiona224

Thank you in advance for reading and for any replies. I am just so frightened, so overwhelmed, and so exhausted by this battle that I cannot escape - I don't know if I can do this, and my post is mainly because I'm looking for advice on where/how to begin putting my life back together.
I'm in my early forties, I'm a professional, a wife, a mom and an increasingly desperate addict. So my life is relatively stable on the outside at the moment. However, I've been battling my daily relationship to alcohol since I was about 20 years old, when things really began to get out of control. I also had an eating disorder in my early 20s, but I solved that problem by becoming addicted to ritalin - which I am still addicted to. I was also addicted to opiate painkillers for 15 years - I have been on suboxone for 32 months and have not used narcotics, but I am a very far cry from healthy or recovered and of course I am dependent on the suboxone. God this is hard to type out - I am afraid that I'm just too far gone.
A big contributing factor to this mess is that when I was seven years old, I developed an autoimmune response to a virus, which wound up attacking a part of my brain - long story short, this resulted in full-blown obsessive-compulsive disorder (it is called PANDAS when OCD presents this way - pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorders associated with streppocacol infection - a mouthful, I know). There was also some trauma in my childhood that I don't know what to do with - I've had some therapy, but I just haven't found that revisiting past trauma helps. I do understand, intellectually, that a perfect storm of events led to a really screwed up adult, but I still don't know what I am supposed to DO with that. I carry so much shame, particularly related to my OCD rituals as a kid - having to hide all of my door-locking, hand-washing craziness just made me feel like I always had secrets to hide from everyone. It took its toll, to say the least. So I mention the childhood problems NOT as an excuse, not as a "poor me its too hard" type thing AT ALL. I want to recover. I want to be strong, and to ultimately be at least vaguely healthy and normal more than anything in the world, and I'm so afraid that my brain is just not equipped to maintain that resolve, because I have tried so many times. I have tried and failed and excused my failure in my head and convinced myself over and over that I'm not REALLY an addict, that I am blowing this out of proportion, and so on. But the fact is, substance abuse has wreaked absolute havoc on my life and mind, and I can't even manage to stay sober for 30 days in order to even asses what life looks like from that vantage point.
Though the "classic" OCD compulsions are gone, I have never escaped compulsive thinking - I don't know - this is so hard to explain. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone can offer any advice for what to do. I love to read, I am a HUGE reader - is there a book that comes to mind for anyone that might help me? I studied Mahayana Buddhism for years, and lately I've been reading about Stoicism. I have a very cerebral approach to life, but I struggle to follow through on my ideas with sustained, steady action toward a goal.
If I weren't a mom, I would have just given up by now. But my poor kids - I can hardly bear to think of how I've already hurt them because I am not the role model I want to be. This got longer than I intended, I apologize for that, and thank anyone for reading this wall of text.

least

Welcome to the family. If you're looking for support in getting and staying sober, you've come to the right place.

Read around the forums and post as you like. If you're getting sober this month you might want to join the Class of July thread in Newcomers. There is also the 24 hour recovery thread in Daily Support forum, where you just post once a day with your commitment to staying sober another 24 hours.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-one.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-271-a.html

RuneStone

Welcome. There's this:
The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning

Jules714

Hi. I can relate a lot to your post...trauma, OCD (identical to yours doors/window locking) germs...and honestly? I don't think those are horrible attributes. Staying safe and having clean hands? Hardly harmful.
I underwent EMDR therapy a few times. Helped tremendously.
Drinking only exacerbated my anxieties. Expodentially.
If you like to read I gently suggest the first 200 pages of AAs Big Book. If it's not for you, that's OK.
Feel better,
Jules

fini

".....and I'm so afraid that my brain is just not equipped to maintain that resolve, because I have tried so many times. "

hi Fiona,

your brain may or may not be equipped to maintain that resolve, and that may have nothing to do with prior trauma or PANDAs or any such thing.
if you read here on SR a bit, you will see that many folk follow a plan. Or a program. and/ or go to support meetings.
rarely does willpower alone result in real longterm sobriety, and when it does, it seems a discontented tough hanging on a lot of the time.
you might want to check out the AVRT threads in the Secular Connections forum farther down, as that might appeal to your cerebral bent.
when i first got sober, i read everything i could gt my hands on about the various ways people had gotten and stayed sober. libraries are great!
Ann Fletcher's Sober for Good has a lot of individual stories from varied approaches.

the more cerebral stuff was my way at the beginning, combined with peer support, and that included lots of participation in an online forum.

back to your brain: don't fall into the trap of deciding your brain is somehow not equipped to do this!
that way lies resignation and depair.
know that all kinds of people with all kinds of brains can and do get sober!
willingness and openness to change and taking actions are some of the ingredients that make that dish.
showing up here is a great first step.

Fiona224

Wow. Thank you so much. I have just started reading this because it was the first recommendation I saw, and I got it online. Thank you so much - I never would have found this on my own. I look forward to reading the other recommendations given as well.

Nonsensical

Welcome Fiona!

I want to paraphrase what fini said - don't believe everything you think.

Part of your brain is broken (addicted) and will fabricate stories and narratives to help it get what it wants (more booze and pills). Mine does the same thing. Mine tells me I am not equipped to be able to defeat being addicted to alcohol and I once believed it so deeply I bought additional life and liability insurance to protect my family from the destruction I believed was inevitable. Turns out that was ONE BIG LIE part of my brain was telling me. I absolutely have what it takes. So do you.

We don't know where your answers lie, but we do know they are NOT in a bottle of booze or pills. Let's start looking at other possibilities.

You CAN do this.

PhoenixJ

Seems I have c-PTSD from something that happened to me as a kid, which is before I have such memories, but basically left my family - the adams family on steroids. And yes- to use such info to define us, as adults is not really helpful. The awareness of this is a way to grow and heal. I hate myself some days, Never like myself. Thus I always see fault in me. Guilt, shame, a bad person etc. I do the mindful stuff, and HALTS and reboot and blah... It is hard work, and very tiring trying so hard to keep the normal bit all together. I think your words show you to be a good person, resilient and hard working. And yes-0 addiction does not help and is crap. Empathy and support offered.

FreeOwl

the cerebral trap.

here's my advice;

stop thinking, start doing.

1) Embrace sobriety - with a full and deep CHOICE

2) ACT on that choice every day

3) Support that choice with actions like: a good therapist you're gonna get fully honest with and dig in to work with; changes to your life that keep you away from temptation; work a program using tools that resonate for you - but whatever path you choose, keep your head in recovery DAILY.

You can do it.

tealily

Fiona,

Just want to reach out to you with a hug and encouragement. As a wife and mom myself (just a little older) with anxiety too -- and familiarity with OCD and eating disorders -- I can totally relate.

You are not beyond help! No one is. I can tell by the way you express yourself that you care deeply and feel deeply. You sound like a lovely woman and a wonderful mom. I hate that you have been living under this cloud. Life can be so much better. You don't have to live with shame or regret. PANDAS happened, just the way all kinds of health challenges can.. it was not your fault. You are not to blame.

I understand the urge to hide and feel ashamed., it goes hand in hand with a lot of anxiety and eating disorders. I was using alcohol as a way to self-medicate my anxiety and depression and I then I hid the drinking too. It was no way to live.

Alcohol may seem to help ease anxiety in the short term, but it actually makes it worse. It's a depressant that heightens anxiety. I know you know this but the only way to truly tackle your OCD and other issues is to eliminate alcohol and other substances from the equation.

ALL of us have our scars and roadblocks .. but bottom line is that life can absolutely be better.

It may not be easy or happen right away, but why don't you see your introduction here as your first step toward a healthier life? It can begin now.

Please keep posting and reading around. We are here for you.

Dee74

Hi and welcoem Fiona.

I've never yet met someone here who was beyond hope.

I have cerebral palsy which involves substantial brain damage -I also did some some of my own through a childhood accident and then a couple of decades of hard drinking and a bad detox...

I recently celebrated 10 years sober,

Anything is possible if we want it enough

D

shockozulu

I have PANDAS which is related to my Tourette's, another neurological disease which presents itself with tremors, depression and anxiety and PTSD. I also used to drink excessively. Haven't touched a drop in over 5 years.

Welcome to SR.

Fiona224

This really helped me get to the root of my question, thank you. How do I get to a 24-hour resolve to actually take some actual actionable steps, day after day, as opposed to my habit of resolving to get sober only after I've used to the point where fun wears off and self-loathing begins, approx 3-4pm each day, the earlier hours being filled with self-assurances that I'm just fine, if a bit melodramatic? I am caught in this loop and however ridiculous, I can't seem to get clear of it

Dee74

Posting here regularly and reading really helped me focus on what I needed to be doing, and helped me realise it needed to be a lifestyle change and not just some fad.

I have no doubt that you can get sober and stay that way Fina , no matter how many times you've tried before

D

D122y

Fiona,

I relate to your mental issues, drug, and alcohol abuse.

I obsess and deal w stress poorly. I was heavily addicted to booze for the last 15 or more years.

When I see past pictures, my wife mostly takes, I seem ok. I guess after a while, for me, the main thing that went was my mind.

Physically, I was in pretty bad shape too, but the brain damage humbled me into needing to quit.

This is my therapy for now. Reading and posting. It has worked since May 9th, 2015.

Yesterday, I was in a bad way because i was so tired from work. My wife, a tough nugget, was just living her life, having fun around the house, but she was driving me crazy.

I had some patience and told her I was stressed and tired from work. She, as usual, initially laughed it off, then left me alone as I wanted.

I relaxed, in my own way, managing to not get too upset. Of course, I did not drink over it.

The booze had always been my crutch when I was like this in the past. It did work to numb and distract me, but that is not the life i want anymore.

It has taken a long time clean to realize how drugs, booze in my case, have ingrained into my life.

Being clean is awesome and I will never drink again. Learning to cope w life sober is a great and very welcome challenge.

Thanks for the therapy.

Meraviglioso

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for what you have gone through and what you are currently dealing with, it does sound like you have a lot on your hands. The good news though is that it is possible to get sober and that being sober will help nearly everything else.
Have you thought about finding a different therapist? If one does not work, try another. I have found it is really important to find one with whom you really connect and trust fully, sometimes that takes time and trying several different professionals.
One option, which may sound extreme, but is something that saved me, is rehab. You can find a rehab that specialises in multi-diagnosis, so one that addresses your alcoholism while also offering a DBT program that can address your anxiety and OCD. Will it be expensive, time consuming, difficult? Yes Will it be possible? Yes Will it be worth it? Yes.
Sending you tons of support, stick around here. I never would have gotten to where I am today without SR.

Nonsensical

Once I figured out that voice in my head was telling me lies I found it easier to ignore.

Imagine you are in a grocery store and someone walks up to you and says "Your shirt is on fire". You look down and can see that your shirt is NOT on fire. What do you do then? Do you rip your shirt off and stomp on it? Do you engage this sociopath in a debate? Or do you go about your shopping?

Things you've never done before often seem difficult. Then you do them a few times and they get easier and easier. Tell that voice in your head to buzz off! It is a wonderfully liberating feeling.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

stevepearce

Hi and welcome to SR. 'This Naked Mind' by Annie Grace helped me really understand the situation. There is a free download if you goggle it.

Fiona224

Thank you all so much for these words - every response feels like a lifeline. I’m back and trying again, and look forward to reading more from all of you.

wiseheart

Hi Fiona,

I am also relatively new here. Reading your post stopped me in my tracks. I immediately felt a deep connection to the frustration, overwhelm and desperation that I sensed in your post. I am in my late 40s and drank heavily for the past 30 years.

I am only about two months into sobriety/recovery, so I have no advice to give, but if you are still looking for some reading materials, I wanted to offer a couple of suggestions. The first are a couple of books on trauma: “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk and “In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness” by Dr. Peter A. Levine. There are also a couple of books by Dr. Gabor Mate on addiction (“In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts”) and attention deficit disorder (“Scattered Minds”) that you may also find interesting.

If you are interested in spiritual practices such as Buddhism, then I think that you will find all of these books align very well with that tradition, as well as any secular mindfulness/meditation practices.

For me, I don’t think that I could have started this recovery journey without really digging underneath my addiction to understand why I needed to self-medicate and numb my feelings. Like you, I also experienced childhood trauma and am finding therapy to be an essential part of my recovery.

If you would like any company on your journey, please feel free to PM me. I am happy to share my experiences and help in any way that I can.

Sending you hugs.