Active duty army fiancé

Old 07-16-2017, 04:07 PM
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Active duty army fiancé

Hi,

I just joined the group literally 20 minutes ago. I am honored to be around so many people who are willing to share their experiences. I will stay as short and concise as possible. I am active duty Army and my fiancé is also. He is just an awesome man. He is highly decorated and was at the pinnacle of his career when he got a DUI. Prior to the incident, he managed to hide his drinking habits from me. I had no clue. Once the dui happened he confessed he drank a shot daily before work, and comes to work drunk often. I felt slightly betrayed because this was all hidden. The end result is the military is now kicking him out and he is left to pick up the pieces. I have a child from a previous relationship and he treats her great. He is not your normal alcoholic. When he drinks, he isn't belligerent or violent. He is just more social. He rarely drinks around me but the moment I leave his presence (we are long distance) he starts drinking again. Myissue is this. I love him and I believe in him. He just got out of a military treatment facility and we visited with each other for 12 days. Every since I've moved out of state I notice we fight ALL THE TIME. When I tell him about the drinking and the "white lies" he tells he gets upset which leads to more fighting. Here recently, he has ignored me for five days straight! No warning nothing. He has NEVER done this before and the only text I got was "I don't want to talk to you right now." After I called all day about 30 times, I've decided to stop and just leave him alone. I am a spiritual person and believe maybe I need to back off. But I don't want to. He also has two deployments to Afghanistan under his belt so PTSD is a factor. I don't want to give up on him. He really treats me like a queen. I've always been with habitual cheaters but he is different. But the arguing the binge drinking the drunk driving is scary. But most of all how can he just never speak to me again. It's hurtful especially being so far away.... my question is am I doing the right thing to just let him go. How do any of you deal with this? Are there any veterans on here? Any active duty? Please help!
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Old 07-16-2017, 05:29 PM
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hello, i don't have any experience with active duty issues, but i did want to welcome you.

He is not your normal alcoholic. secret drinking, dui, job loss, discharged from the military due to drinking, anger at YOU.....those are all classic signs.

He really treats me like a queen. except he LIED to you the entire relationship, hid a serious problem from you, now fights with you all the time and has most recently refused to talk to you.

this is all a lot to take in. you are wise to not push, to not power phone, to let him be. this gives YOU a break, time to think things thru. do you have access to counseling...it might be good to have a professional to talk to in a protected setting.
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Old 07-16-2017, 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
hello, i don't have any experience with active duty issues, but i did want to welcome you.

He is not your normal alcoholic. secret drinking, dui, job loss, discharged from the military due to drinking, anger at YOU.....those are all classic signs.

He really treats me like a queen. except he LIED to you the entire relationship, hid a serious problem from you, now fights with you all the time and has most recently refused to talk to you.

this is all a lot to take in. you are wise to not push, to not power phone, to let him be. this gives YOU a break, time to think things thru. do you have access to counseling...it might be good to have a professional to talk to in a protected setting.


Yes we have military one source which is free. I have been contemplating this.... however we just went to counseling a few months ago for premarital.... I am ashamed to go back to this guy as he toldme he isnt ready for marriage. I am ashamed that I have put out to the world that we are going to. Get married and a few people said not to.... and many of them were right. I have never in life been more ashamed than right now. So it's hard to talk to anyone without being super emotional. Thank you for your response and encouraging words.... this website is God send!
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Old 07-16-2017, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
hello, i don't have any experience with active duty issues, but i did want to welcome you.

He is not your normal alcoholic. secret drinking, dui, job loss, discharged from the military due to drinking, anger at YOU.....those are all classic signs.

He really treats me like a queen. except he LIED to you the entire relationship, hid a serious problem from you, now fights with you all the time and has most recently refused to talk to you.

this is all a lot to take in. you are wise to not push, to not power phone, to let him be. this gives YOU a break, time to think things thru. do you have access to counseling...it might be good to have a professional to talk to in a protected setting.
Also, iguess I have been in denial about his problem. I come from a family of crack cocaine addicts as mentally ill peope, and they are the "textbook" alcoholics. At least what I pictured them. He is poised charming helpful pleasant kind hearted. So although I've known him for 3 years, I was in denial because of how intelligent and just overall appearance. I've never actually dealt with an alcoholic such as him.
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Old 07-16-2017, 06:34 PM
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i understand that you feel a sense of shame, but in reality you did NOTHING wrong. this isn't your fault. we don't know what we don't know. he hid things well from you.

consider this for a moment......suppose he had somehow kept this all under wraps, and then you find yourself MARRIED to an active alcoholic......it may not seem it at the moment, but you are in a far better position now.

counselors have heard it all and they aren't in the business to say I Told You So. you don't have to announce anything to the world right now.
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Old 07-16-2017, 07:07 PM
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HeartNsoul.....I, also, want to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong.
I don't think most people know much about alcoholism (addictions)....even those who have lived with it. There is a lot of misinformation and myth that is passed around. Usually, people become educated about it when they have a really compelling reason to do so....Even medical people have to have additional special training courses....as well as mental health workers....special training as well as experience working in the field. Who knew?

Addiction is no respecter of persons...it can happen to anybody....to the intelligent and polished...to the good and kind....and anyone in between....

I will say another thing that I have learned about human nature....when two people decide that they want to get married or be together...they are not very inclined to listen to others who tell them not to....lol...Welcome to the human race!

I hear that you are very upset....naturally. I think you really need to talk with others who understand. That will give you a lot of relief.
You are probably going to go through a period of grieving....that is to be expected, I think....
Take it easy on yourself and get all the support that you can...so that you will be able to make wise choices....

I hope that you hang around and read and learn as much as you can...
You are not alone....
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Old 07-17-2017, 02:28 AM
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Just want to add that we do have at least one military vet here that I know of. Hopefully she will check in soon.
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Old 07-17-2017, 03:16 AM
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HeartNSoul, I'm sorry you're going through such a heartbreaking coming from the collapse of his big lie.

It's hard to say what's going on with him now. He may be sober and seeing the world as it is without the haze of alcohol. That takes some adjusting to. These columns are full of posters who don't like their newly sober partners. He was charming, but he was being helped along by his favourite drug.

I think you're right to give him space, difficult as it is for you. Let him work through his issues undisturbed, and he may come back when he's calmer. If he doesn't manage to stay sober, at least you know the truth now.
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:59 AM
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Welcome Heart,

You've gotten a lot of good feedback from the others. I've been out of the military for quite awhile, so things have certainly changed since "back in my day." Getting kicked out (meaning dishonorable discharge? discharge under other than honorable conditions? bad conduct?) for a single DUI seems extreme to me given what I've seen of military discipline, especially for alcohol-related offenses. Showing up drunk for PT was commonly blamed on "strong aftershave" and the soldier would, after sweating it out, be instructed to drive home, shower and drink water (the cure for everything!).

The only soldiers I knew of who were summarily discharged had failed drug tests. For NCOs it was an automatic DD, for junior enlisted it was at the command's discretion.

You now know that there are a lot of things he's kept from you, not saying he's doing drugs, but I suspect there's more to his issues than meets the eye. My ex seemed absolutely golden when we met and deployed together, and I felt I owed it to him to stay and support him no matter what because of all he'd been through. The only thing my "support" did was help him spiral down without consequences. He's right that he's not ready to get married. He's got a lot of sorting out to do in his own life first.
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Old 07-17-2017, 08:14 AM
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Getting kicked out (meaning dishonorable discharge? discharge under other than honorable conditions? bad conduct?) for a single DUI seems extreme to me given what I've seen of military discipline, especially for alcohol-related offenses.

I also thought it was extreme if that is all he has done. My brother is an alcoholic and was in the military for 22 years and then seconded from them to do work. He did some awful things they covered up and let go, including crashing a tank while drunk into and over a line of civilian cars in Germany and having an inappropriate relationship with the daughter of an ambassador he was supposed to be protecting. I think way more will be revealed.
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:11 PM
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To all in reference to him being kicked out for just a DUI. I am active duty also. Unfortunately when they started the draw down all the old rules changed. An army NCO will now get QMP for a DUI. They have been kicking people out with DUIs from ten years ago. They have zero tolerance for almost everything. The only way you won't is if you are E4 and below. I am 100% sure it was alcohol related only. I actually work with our personnel clerk also. But either way, alcohol might as well be drugs.... they are all career enders and ruins people's lives. What I can say now that I wasn't so sure about is this clearly wasn't the first time he's driven. He just finally got caught. With each day I get a little stronger and hopeful though. Not so much for us anymore but for me. I know it's a disease, but I truly feel if you want something bad enough you will do anything to make it happen. And if he wanted to be in my life and make things work, then he would get help. Fact is, he isn't ready. I was never first, that damn bottle is his fiancé. I was just love struck and wanted to "stick it out". Again thanks so much for support and feed back. This forum is so empowering
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by HeartNSoul2019 View Post
To all in reference to him being kicked out for just a DUI. I am active duty also. Unfortunately when they started the draw down all the old rules changed. An army NCO will now get QMP for a DUI. They have been kicking people out with DUIs from ten years ago. They have zero tolerance for almost everything. The only way you won't is if you are E4 and below. I am 100% sure it was alcohol related only. I actually work with our personnel clerk also. But either way, alcohol might as well be drugs.... they are all career enders and ruins people's lives. What I can say now that I wasn't so sure about is this clearly wasn't the first time he's driven. He just finally got caught. With each day I get a little stronger and hopeful though. Not so much for us anymore but for me. I know it's a disease, but I truly feel if you want something bad enough you will do anything to make it happen. And if he wanted to be in my life and make things work, then he would get help. Fact is, he isn't ready. I was never first, that damn bottle is his fiancé. I was just love struck and wanted to "stick it out". Again thanks so much for support and feed back. This forum is so empowering
I drove drunk for over 20yrs( sooo ashamed to say that!) before I got caught. Then about 6yrs later,after a bad breakup, got caught again. That was a real eyeopener for me and my problem with booze..Did I change after that? Nope..still drank until I was court ordered to AA. I'm not religious and don't really practice AA but, I still go when I need it. He HAS to want to change,to change. Best wishes to you.
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:50 PM
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That makes sense. They used to just kind of coddle those folks along because they were a nice guy, close to retirement or to keep the numbers up for a deployment. But keeping that dead weight is expensive, and so are retirement benefits.

You have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed about the broken engagement. That's what dating is for, and good on you for getting premarital counseling and taking your time.

I think military relationships tend to be intense, with long work hours and periods of separation for training, schools, deployments, etc. the time you spend together is almost like a different life. I think there is also sometimes a feeling of pressure to marry so that you can ensure getting stationed together (plus the extra $).

Really glad you reached out here.
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Old 07-17-2017, 06:20 PM
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Not a veteran, but its concerning to hear what he has been through, and that there could be a PTSD going on that he hasnt been examined or treated for? Lots of times people self medicate to deal with emotional issues, and this could be a classic case. He finished a military treatment just recently.. so maybe he is dealing with a lot? Will he be able to go back into the service, or that is over and now he has to figure out his life? It seems like a lot on his plate to deal with at a time he is hopefully trying to give up the crutch of alcohol, or any substance.

My husband was very emotional and had various treatments he tried initially. It was a challenging time as his wife to deal with his emotional ups and downs. I feel for you right now.

I dont know if this will help, but try reading up on the symptoms of substance abuse. Denying the problem, minimizing, hiding, feeling shame, guilt, avoiding confrontations, lying are all very common. They are symptoms and if you read through threads here, most of us have been on the receiving end. Its not personal in most cases, think of it as a defense mechanism to protect his use, emotions, and maintain the illusion all is well in his world.

Neither of you have anything to be ashamed of.

For me, I think I would just let him know my feelings, if I wanted to talk Id let him know Im there, and while I miss him, and are concerned - I will honor his request for space and time. Or ask if maybe we could talk in a weeks time or something like that. Has to be tough being apart due to distance also.

Thank you for your service
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