thomas11

I'm not drinking (yet) and I am in a precarious position in my life right now. I have listened to some music and there is a particular song that explains it better than I can. So I will post it below. I know its song lyrics and folks will judge on that. Its just the way I feel and it goes back to 1992 where many of these feelings come from. They were never resolved. It starts with what so many come here for, and that is spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, but for me, it goes on to how life was in the subsequent years. Brutal. It turned my heart into a lump of coal but I'm trying to become human again. But I have my days.

We all come in from the cold, we come down from the wire
And everybody warms themselves to a different fire
When sometimes we get burned, You'd think sometime we'd learn
The one you love is the one That should take you higher
You ain't got no one You better go back out and find her

Just like children hiding in a closet, Can't tell what's going on outside,
Sometimes we're so far off the beaten track, we'll get taken for a ride,
By a parlor trick or some words of wit, a hidden hand up a sleeve,
To think the one you love could hurt you now is a little hard to believe,
But everybody, darling, sometimes bites the hand that feeds,

When I look around, everybody always brings me down,
Well is it them or me, well I just can't see but there ain't no peace to be found,
But if someone really cared, well they'd take the time to spare,
A moment to try and understand another one's despair,
Remember in this game we call life that no one said it's fair,

I've come to know the cold, I think of it as home,
When there ain't enough of me to go around I'd rather be left alone,

buk1000

What's going on Jeff? Are you by yourself?

thomas11

Yeah, I'm by myself just reflecting on the messes I've made.

buk1000

The messes you made in 1992? Don't forget to reflect on what you've accomplished over the last year or two. Many folks aren't able to reach the level of reflection and self understanding that you have.

If it's nice out where you are, maybe you could go on a walk or something. I remember the last time you started posting song lyrics. Play that tape forward.

Keep posting.

Ariesagain

I was out walking the dogs this morning and beating myself up over something I did when I was eighteen.

That was 40 years ago.

It was amazingly trivial...to healthy people. Most normal people wouldn't even call it a mistake or remember it. But when you combine perfectionism with a long memory and constant fear of making a mistake...any mistake...voila.

Point is, I get it. But drinking would only add another bunch of numbers in that mistake column, yes?

Distract yourself, yes? I am also having another heinously boring long day trapped in our temporary apartment and it's easy to get stuck in my head. So I think I'll go clean the bathroom. Yeehaw.

We are human. We screw up. Try to forgive yourself, yes?

Sending you a hug.

thomas11

I can't go for any walks, I'm an emotional basketcase right now. I'm so confused, I was poised to marry a farmer's daughter and a few years later I find myself in a hot tub with mafia members in Chicago so they know I'm not wearing a wire. How did it go so wrong? I wanted the simple life.

buk1000

Well, I may be mistaken but I don't think you're in a hot tub with mafia members today. So you have moved to a more simple life.

Has something happened in the last few days? Or do you just have some time on your hands to ruminate?

thomas11

Bingo.

Ariesagain

First, that would make either a great first paragraph in a novel or a song lyric. So if you're feeling creative...

We make choices. We have to. Some turn out great. Some don't. We just can't predict which way it will go.

Chances are the "simple life" would have bored you to tears. You don't strike me as a milk the cows kind of guy.

You're having a crap day, my friend. Try not to turn it into a referendum on your existence, yes?

Sending you a hug.

teatreeoil007

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is how to let go of things I can't do anything about. Things I can't change. Things I can't go back and do over. Things that I might want but aren't truly best for me.

You've let go of alcohol. You wanted it badly at one time. But you learned to let go.

Letting go is hard for me. So, I know the struggle. Letting go of the past. Regret.

I truly believe regret is a very heavy burden to carry around. We've got to find ways to let go of regret. 40 years ago is a long time. It's good to learn lessons from what has happened before so we don't repeat the same mistakes over and over, but it's also good to let go of things we simply cannot change. Like water off a duck's back. Just let that water slide on down, down down. You don't have to let that water soak into you and weight you down.

Water off a duck's back, m'friend.

AnvilheadII

jeff - drinking didn't fix it the FIRST time, and it won't fix anything now. our life is an endless SERIES of choices - and no one knows what our life might "look" like if we made A different choice along the way. all we DO know is that every choice we made got us to >>You Are Here<<. and none of the ruminating or contemplating, wishing or wondering can change that. we can't even change what we had for breakfast this morning, unless we have a second breakfast, but it still doesn't eradicate the FIRST one.

if you take anything with you out of this self-reflection take this - make thoughtful choices NOW. stay within your morals ethics and values. walk the path of least regret.

thomas11

Thanks Aries, I am having a crap day. We'll be ok in the end.

FarToGo

Maybe the life you wanted wasn't to be? Hope that doesn't sound hard, but we can live a life of striving and disappointment if we think we are entitled to a certain life with guaranteed outcomes of our choosing. Sometimes life has different ideas for us, that said, drinking will likely screw up any life as we all know. ... Please don't choose that hell ( again?)
I'm just grappling with some of this stuff in my spiritual practice, so it's not from any arrogance that I'm sharing, just learning and of course I have 'FarToGo'
As somebody has already said, 'keep posting' somebody will say something that helps.
Love to you.
Xx

teatreeoil007

So, if you had married the farmer's daughter, you would have had to deal with the Farmer and the farm and my friend, that ain't easy either. That's why people are leaving the farms in droves. So, no matter what turn we take in life I think we have days when we second guess ourselves.

But, here we are and it's today and look where we're at right NOW. Stay in the present as much as possible. We get it. We all have times of reflection and rummination and it can get us in a funk. But you are here right now and not in a hot tub being wireless with mafia bosses. (at least I hope you're not there). But, seriously, life on the farm can be really really hard and some farmers are just as mean as mafia bosses.

buk1000

I used to suffer from anxiety about the future and also long, extended bouts of rumination on all the mistakes I had made. When I used marijuana I would get stuck analyzing every word I had spoken in the day to that point and imagined what I should have said. It was pure torture.

One of the things I started to do was to apply all the anxiety I had about what could go wrong in the future to all the past mistaken decisions I felt like I had made. So if I felt like I chose the wrong career path, I would apply all my anxiety and catastrophizing to the decision I felt would have been the correct one. It just helped me understand that it was all in my head and had I made a different decision in the past I would still be second guessing it today no matter how it turned out.

Eventually I got better at understanding that what was happening was not that I was kicking myself today for something I had done years ago (and couldn't change). I was just kicking myself today - and I would find any reason there was to do it. And that was something that I had more control over.

You have a lot of tomorrows Jeff. Just remember that, because that's what's in front of you.

Ariesagain

Wow. What a wonderful insight. I have copied it into my "things to read when my head won't shut up" file.

SoberLeigh

Your heart is far from a lump of coal, dear Jeff - very far from that.

I've seen an abundance of goodness and kindles flow that heart of years. You have supported many here in a way that simply wouldn't be possible with a heart of coal or stone.

Remember your recent sober years, the self-respect you have garner, the respect you have garnered here, the obstacles you have overcome while sober. You have created a new past.

I, for one (and I suspect I am among many), are very proud of you.

Stay close and lean on us.

teatreeoil007

Yes, anxiety. What causes it? Too much thinking? One thing that has helped me with anxiety and stressing is to tell myself that to a certain extent, some things are just going to "happen", regardless of what *I* do or don't do. Those things are out of my control. So, stuff happens. What good does it do to worry about it too much? I have to remind myself to cross bridges when I come to them. And, there is no way I can cross a bridge until I come to it. I can anticipate a bridge, I can see it looming ahead, I can look forward to it or I can be anxious about it. Do I even like bridges?! Yes. Some bridges are pretty cool. But, every 'bridge' serves a purpose to get me to another side, right? Maybe it's really what's on the other side of the bridge I am truly worried about rather than the bridge itself. I don't know. This is just brainstorming....but the bridge itself is part of the journey. Some of the 'steps' on this journey are tiring or have trepidation, sure. But some are full of wonder and discovery and growth and decisions and love and joy. So then, what is stopping me from enjoying it more? In a lot of cases it is simply holding on to things that burden me down.

teatreeoil007

Sometimes we just have to tell ourselves we must look out ahead to keep our minds from turning back. Because we all do have a tendency to turn our minds back...

Anna

Jeff, I know it's easy to get caught up in the memories of what was and what could have been. It happens to me, too. Try to have faith that you are right where you should be, right where you are supposed to be in this life. And, you're sober and intending to stay that way.