Update... Need some help
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Update... Need some help
Hi everyone I posted last week about my addict partner relapsing and I'm 32 weeks pregnant. He came back a few nights ago begging to stay and he would be clean and be loves me all the usual. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him as he was half away with it still and told him to leave. Well I've been feeling ok but banged into him today and he just about walked past me. He lied about where he was going and didn't seem to care about me or baby at all. He pretended he had tried to see me but I wasn't in which was a lie. He said he loved me and that was about it off he went.
I'm so devasted that it's come to this. I know it makes no sense but I'm having a very hard time right now letting it sink in that he never loved me won't fight for us and just happy enough to accept things and away to get high. We were so so close. I just need some wise words it's hurts so bad. I know he has to want to get clean and probably never will. I'm just so sad and can't stop crying. Give me some tough love please people
I'm so devasted that it's come to this. I know it makes no sense but I'm having a very hard time right now letting it sink in that he never loved me won't fight for us and just happy enough to accept things and away to get high. We were so so close. I just need some wise words it's hurts so bad. I know he has to want to get clean and probably never will. I'm just so sad and can't stop crying. Give me some tough love please people
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
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Hi Miismac
I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. Can't imaging how difficult it must be especially since you are pregnant
I don't have advice to offer you. I can only tell you that I am in the same boat. Today started week 6 for me we haven't contacted each other. I know it's all very difficult. I know the sadness I also know it's for the best
I wish you strength & peace
Maybe it helps you some to know that you aren't alone there are others dealing with all of this at the same time you are
I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. Can't imaging how difficult it must be especially since you are pregnant
I don't have advice to offer you. I can only tell you that I am in the same boat. Today started week 6 for me we haven't contacted each other. I know it's all very difficult. I know the sadness I also know it's for the best
I wish you strength & peace
Maybe it helps you some to know that you aren't alone there are others dealing with all of this at the same time you are
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Thank you so much for your reply and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this too. I have found this site invaluable and it's helping me stay strong. I know this feeling will pass, I know soon the tears will pass and I know I have to let them put and not bottle the up and recharge again. Sending strength and hugs to you too
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Sending you a hug.
It's really hard to come to grips with because the addiction takes over from the inside out. So they look the same, more or less, they sound the same...but the person on the inside is gone. All their ability to love, be responsible, be truthful...gone. All that's left is the need.
He may well have loved you before. Whatever small part of him is left probably still does. But that doesn't matter anymore because his addiction has taken over.
It isn't you. It's addiction.
Please keep posting. There are so many here who understand.
Have another hug.
It's really hard to come to grips with because the addiction takes over from the inside out. So they look the same, more or less, they sound the same...but the person on the inside is gone. All their ability to love, be responsible, be truthful...gone. All that's left is the need.
He may well have loved you before. Whatever small part of him is left probably still does. But that doesn't matter anymore because his addiction has taken over.
It isn't you. It's addiction.
Please keep posting. There are so many here who understand.
Have another hug.
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Thankyou. I'd just give anything f for the pain to go away. I'm trying hard to stay strong , don't think pregnancy hormones are helping. If I hadn't seen him and his indifference i would be feeling ok. The joys of living in a small town. Just a bad day I think. When I saw him I knew my feelings had changed forever. I have issues with attachment and letting go so find this stuff really hard but I'm giving it my best shot. I know he's not clean and nowhere near even ready be, maybe never will and I know I need to carry on looking to the future on my own without him.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I'm so sorry. I can totally relate to your pain. My AH who passed away, was running around getting high while I was pregnant too, until he died. I had to go through 6 months of the pregnancy on my own. It hurts like h*ll doing it on your own, feeling discarded by the person you love. But I promise you, you will make it. It will hurt badly many times having to endure this, but you will get through on the other side. The baby will give you lots of love. It's sad and painful to do everything alone but having a father who's constantly high isn't better in any way either. It would be like having no father at all b/c they aren't participating actively on that area. It's dangerous leaving the baby alone with a father who is high. I know my AH probably would have been high around the baby if he had stayed alive.
I'm so so sorry he hasn't changed for himself, you and his baby.
Sending you a billion hugs and prayers
I'm so so sorry he hasn't changed for himself, you and his baby.
Sending you a billion hugs and prayers
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
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MM
For me the pain of it all hasn't stopped. Each day is difficult
During my relationship there was always pain. It's not just now. In the past I really didn't understand the pain. I didn't understand the why of it all
At least now you & I both know the why of it all. Addiction. It does help to be able to at least understand
For me the pain of it all hasn't stopped. Each day is difficult
During my relationship there was always pain. It's not just now. In the past I really didn't understand the pain. I didn't understand the why of it all
At least now you & I both know the why of it all. Addiction. It does help to be able to at least understand
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Sodevasted that's awful 
it's hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes. It's so helpful to know others are experiencing this too. It's not something many other people I know understand and I am ashamed to talk about to people who don't understand addiction. Need to toughen up now and I find that anger and disgust is the only thing that's works as its puts my walls up and lessen the hurt. So so so hard not to take this behaviour personally
it's hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes. It's so helpful to know others are experiencing this too. It's not something many other people I know understand and I am ashamed to talk about to people who don't understand addiction. Need to toughen up now and I find that anger and disgust is the only thing that's works as its puts my walls up and lessen the hurt. So so so hard not to take this behaviour personally
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You are not alone MissMac😊. I was ashamed too, to talk to other people about my experience and I figured that wouldn't be helpful either, because they would just not understand addiction nor the fact that someone could love an addict. Judgemental people is not what we need. You need to talk to people who understand addiction and addicts, people who'll be supportive and understanding. Reach out for support here on SR and maybe there's someone you could talk to IRL to get more face to face support? A friend you trust? Someone in the family? Don't talk to people you don't feel like talking to. It will only cause you damage. Getting into counseling could be helpful too. I went into counseling and talked to a therapist who had experience of addiction and addicts. A "normal" therapist couldn't have supported me in the same way.
This board and all the wonderful people on it has rescued me. They supported me for months and taught me a lot about addiction which I knew nothing about prior to SR. Reading and posting here on SR has been a tremendous help to me. To know that I was not alone, learning from other people's experiences and about addicts/addiction and learning how to take care of me was important.
I understand that you're taking it personal. So did I. I'm still working on that. It's hard not taking it personal when you're in a relationship with someone, EVEN if they are addicts and EVEN THOUGH addiction and everything about it isn't rational. It's hard to understand why someone who loves you would hurt you the most. Take one day at a time without any huge expectations on yourself. Surviving the day is good enough and taking care of yourself and the little one on the inside. He/she will always be with you and will love you unconditionally. Try to rest and eat.
Hugs 💖
This board and all the wonderful people on it has rescued me. They supported me for months and taught me a lot about addiction which I knew nothing about prior to SR. Reading and posting here on SR has been a tremendous help to me. To know that I was not alone, learning from other people's experiences and about addicts/addiction and learning how to take care of me was important.
I understand that you're taking it personal. So did I. I'm still working on that. It's hard not taking it personal when you're in a relationship with someone, EVEN if they are addicts and EVEN THOUGH addiction and everything about it isn't rational. It's hard to understand why someone who loves you would hurt you the most. Take one day at a time without any huge expectations on yourself. Surviving the day is good enough and taking care of yourself and the little one on the inside. He/she will always be with you and will love you unconditionally. Try to rest and eat.
Hugs 💖
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Thank you for your wisdom and kind words they really mean a lot . I agree, I have been having a read through the hundreds of posts here and it's so so helpful to see that everyone is going through the same thing just at different stages. I just need to stick to stick to no contact as long as i can and run in the opposite direction if I see him in the street as I think that's what really upset me today. I received a message from a mutual friend saying he saw him today and he was to tell me he was sorry and he loved me. I said I bet he was high and with junkies when you saw him? He said yes says it all.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Hi missmac,
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but as you will know now, there are so many of us who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing so we all know how much you're hurting.
I don't know if you've read any of my posts but my addict just stopped speaking to me and I (stupidly) texted and he told me to leave him alone or he'd go to the police. I'd only sent him one text. Anyway, I won't go into it all again. I do know how you feel. It stirs up a lot of emotions and it's very hard not to take it all personally. It is all about one day at a time at the moment. I know it's sad that you're not going to be a couple having this baby but he/she will make such a difference to your life. Just try to stay strong, look after yourself and know that one day you'll be glad he's not in your life. Take care.
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but as you will know now, there are so many of us who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing so we all know how much you're hurting.
I don't know if you've read any of my posts but my addict just stopped speaking to me and I (stupidly) texted and he told me to leave him alone or he'd go to the police. I'd only sent him one text. Anyway, I won't go into it all again. I do know how you feel. It stirs up a lot of emotions and it's very hard not to take it all personally. It is all about one day at a time at the moment. I know it's sad that you're not going to be a couple having this baby but he/she will make such a difference to your life. Just try to stay strong, look after yourself and know that one day you'll be glad he's not in your life. Take care.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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I'm sorry you're going through this. I am too. It feels like it would be so much easier to just end the sadness and take them back. But we have to know the sadness wouldn't end there, it would just be a different type.
I hope for your sake he eventually seeks help for himself and tries to get better. In the meantime please look after yourself. I've found spending time with friends helps, even if it's the last thing I feel like doing initially. Do you have people you can talk to?
I hope for your sake he eventually seeks help for himself and tries to get better. In the meantime please look after yourself. I've found spending time with friends helps, even if it's the last thing I feel like doing initially. Do you have people you can talk to?
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Bnecg you hit the nail on the head. It does seem easier to take him back but the reality is just a different feeling of sadness instead of this one. The acceptance of that is hard and when I think we are not a couple anymore or broken up in any quite believe it and don't want to. I still love him and still deep down want him to get it together for us and himself. I do know though , that this is very unlikely to happen and that very soon the rest of what I need to accept will occur. Day at a time like we say and at least we know this sadness has an end point somewhere rather than continued broken promises, manipulation and lies.
Sorry to hea what you are going through Cody it's awful. It's so hard sending you lots of strength and hugs
Sorry to hea what you are going through Cody it's awful. It's so hard
sending you lots of strength and hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by Missmac35 
Bnecg you hit the nail on the head. It does seem easier to take him back but the reality is just a different feeling of sadness instead of this one. The acceptance of that is hard and when I think we are not a couple anymore or broken up in any quite believe it and don't want to. I still love him and still deep down want him to get it together for us and himself. I do know though , that this is very unlikely to happen and that very soon the rest of what I need to accept will occur. Day at a time like we say and at least we know this sadness has an end point somewhere rather than continued broken promises, manipulation and lies.
Sorry to hea what you are going through Cody it's awful. It's so hard sending you lots of strength and hugs
Sorry to hea what you are going through Cody it's awful. It's so hard
sending you lots of strength and hugsMember
Join Date: Jan 2017
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I was in your shoes, now I'm dealing with a constantly rehabbing-relapsing "dad" that thinks he can push me around because I had his son. In the beginning, when I left him and told him supervised visits with the baby, he stayed away because the drug lifestyle is a tedious one that requires 100% focus and energy. At first it did bother me, but now I realize this gave me so much of the time I needed to get over him. It gave me time to learn, work on myself, and get over him, making me strong enough to protect my son from the whims of a full-blown IV-heroin addict.
Most recently he was charged with theft and put through a rehab program and used our son as an excuse to bully, harass, and threaten me throughout the whole recovery program he was on. Immediately as his Vivitrol program and probation ended, he started getting in trouble with the law, first for a "disorderly intoxication" and next for "assault" and "domestic violence" on his new girlfriend..
You think it's hard just "getting over" an addict, try dealing with one constantly using your child as his pawn, knowing he has some legal support on his claim of proprietary ownership of your precious baby. You gotta get strong so you can be the protection barrier between him and that baby. You really are that baby's only mature advocate and they need you more than anything. Focus on yourself for a while. Work on putting up barriers for people, spend more time on your hobbies, do the things you need to do to be more stable, secure, and happy with your life. This will help you immensely now to get through this hard time and to prepare for the baby and it also will give you some backup in case you encounter any other problems in your future.
Most recently he was charged with theft and put through a rehab program and used our son as an excuse to bully, harass, and threaten me throughout the whole recovery program he was on. Immediately as his Vivitrol program and probation ended, he started getting in trouble with the law, first for a "disorderly intoxication" and next for "assault" and "domestic violence" on his new girlfriend..
You think it's hard just "getting over" an addict, try dealing with one constantly using your child as his pawn, knowing he has some legal support on his claim of proprietary ownership of your precious baby. You gotta get strong so you can be the protection barrier between him and that baby. You really are that baby's only mature advocate and they need you more than anything. Focus on yourself for a while. Work on putting up barriers for people, spend more time on your hobbies, do the things you need to do to be more stable, secure, and happy with your life. This will help you immensely now to get through this hard time and to prepare for the baby and it also will give you some backup in case you encounter any other problems in your future.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Missmac, as you can see, you aren't remotely alone in this. I still haven't wrapped my head around how my husband could have been so totally in love with me that it shone out of his eyes one year and the next I didn't matter at all. He'd still say the right words sometimes and make gestures, but he was gone. His body, his voice, his words were there, but he wasn't. It is enough to make a person question her sanity. If you feel completely insane and like you've lost any concept of what's real and what isn't, that's normal. It's a horror show and it makes no logical sense. You'll never make sense of it.
I can't express enough how you should behave as if he does not love you anymore and try to be strong, because it's the truth. In the state he's in, he does not love you because he can't love you. He can't appreciate you, he can't really even see you. It is utterly heartbreaking, but that's the truth. If you can face that early on, you'll save yourself so much agony in the long run.
If reading that makes you just want to die, you'll feel even more so that way if you don't try to take it to heart now and wind up letting him sneak back into your orbit. I wish that weren't true, but it is.
I can't express enough how you should behave as if he does not love you anymore and try to be strong, because it's the truth. In the state he's in, he does not love you because he can't love you. He can't appreciate you, he can't really even see you. It is utterly heartbreaking, but that's the truth. If you can face that early on, you'll save yourself so much agony in the long run.
If reading that makes you just want to die, you'll feel even more so that way if you don't try to take it to heart now and wind up letting him sneak back into your orbit. I wish that weren't true, but it is.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Going through a divorce now myself. I don't pretend to know whether or not he loved me. He says he did. But the bottom line was he loved drugs and liquor more.
I have been separated for 3 months now and have never felt more free, relieved, and safe. I no longer have to "take the temperature" of his moods every time I see him. I no longer have to smell weed or alcohol on his breath. I no longer have to wash the sheets that were "bleached" on the side he slept because he was sweating out whatever s**t he had put in his system.
No more mood swings.
No more worrying.
No more of his gaslighting me and telling me I am making it all up in my head.
No more having to listen to him make empty promises.
You deserve this peace and this freedom. You deserve happiness.
( hugs )
I have been separated for 3 months now and have never felt more free, relieved, and safe. I no longer have to "take the temperature" of his moods every time I see him. I no longer have to smell weed or alcohol on his breath. I no longer have to wash the sheets that were "bleached" on the side he slept because he was sweating out whatever s**t he had put in his system.
No more mood swings.
No more worrying.
No more of his gaslighting me and telling me I am making it all up in my head.
No more having to listen to him make empty promises.
You deserve this peace and this freedom. You deserve happiness.
( hugs )
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