squirrelly77

I slipped. Fell right on my rearend. Okay...I'm not going to turn this into a pity party...really, but I feel like I should confess. Although none of you know me personally I still feel SOOOO ashamed and mad...and just plain...ICK for letting this happen. I'm also a bit angry. I understand that we all have free will in this life, but I thought that my HP and I had a deal. The last time around, I knew that it would only get worse if I went back out, no matter how long I was sober. And, I prayed and prayed to please release me from this bondage, but I don't think I held up my end of the bargain. I thought that it was over once I made the decision to go to the ER for detox. Man, was I wrong!
I haven't fully commited myself to AA or working a program or finding a sponsor. I must still be having issues with the whole asking for help thing. I'm asking now...for those of you that are stable with your sobriety. Is it really as easy as they claim? I don't even know why I fell off the wagon. I wasn't having a particullarly bad day. The stress level was low. Nothing major bad happened in my life. I just went to the store, debated for maybe a couple minutes, and basically said "screw it". I think that (close your eyes gentlemen...I know how much you hate hearing about "women issues"), but my weakness for drinking correlates with PMS for me. The worst time for me is about the same each month. Do any of you know about PMDD??? It's just lately that it's been pretty unbearable. I recently started having panic attacks, and it got so bad that I passed out. I know that I'm self-medicating but I also know that they are some unresolved issues in my past that I still haven't forgiven myself for. A friend of mine said give it all to God. But, I guess I don't know how. I mean, just pray for forgiveness? Without going into any detail for fear of self-incrimination (though maybe that's what I NEED), I should be in jail. But, I'm not because of sheer luck and perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. I know that I'm punishing myself for what I was involved with, thanks to the misguided influence of a very BAD ex-boyfriend. This isn't the life I ever dreamed of having for myself, and I hope that I "get it" before I'm dead.
Sorry, I'm rambling. I just wanted to say it out loud--or the closest to it, that I drank. I can't even imagine going to a face to face meeting and saying it. But, I need to. I know I do. I need to get to a doctor and get on some sort of medication too. I'm pretty sure of it. I need to go to AA more than a few times a week and I need a sponsor. Quick.
Like I've heard it said before on here...I was at the bar stool long before I decided to pick up. Dan--I'm sure you probably saw this comming, from the way I was talking in the chatroom yesterday.
Oh...the withdrawal. You definitely start right back up where you left off...and then some.
Forgive me for I have sinned.

Dan

Same result yes?
Very happy you got up this morning Danielle.
Welcome back.

lulu70

(((((((((((((Danielle)))))))))))) Oh, honey.... I am so sorry.
It is not easy, but it is simple. And I can tell by your post that you KNOW what you need to do. When I got desperate enough to do ANYTHING I had to in order to stay sober, I got sober. Get out and DO all those things you posted about. Hit 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, start working the steps, go to a doctor and see about getting meds, DON'T DRINK! You can do this, hon. If I can do it, anyone can. Go to a meeting TODAY! Tell on yourself. Ask for help. You will get it.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Send me an e-mail if you would like. Won't be able to check email til tonight, but I will write back.

Love and hugs to you---

wingsfree

No point in even figuring out why you slipped, that's how this goes, whatever this demon is, it lies in wait, for any of us to let our guard down for ONE SEC to me that's how I see it.

I commend you for talking about this ((((Danielle)))) it hurts doesn't it? it sucks, it stinks, it's rotten, and that to me is how this demon wants us to feel. I can still see it laughing and dancing knowing what it's done again. All I can tell you is get a GRIP on it right now, other wise.....well, don't let your demon dance and laugh anymore girl, you're doing fantastic. So a slip, pick yourself up TODAY and away you go again.

Lots of love and extra hugs coming your way, you'll be ok Danielle ...
We all understand....some more love.....Denise

heynup

Glad to see you talking to us here. To admit our faults is never easy, at least they aren't for me. Now its time to get back up. Thats what we do when we fall down. Isn't it. I had the same experience with the panic attacks. Started around my 8th month out of nowhere. Horrible... but then just as quickly they were gone. I guess it was just some of the muck coming out. So keep your head up and remember to be gentle with your self. Thank you for sharing your pain with us. We are all in this together. Take care and aloha.

Dunitall

Hey Danielle

Don't beat yourself up! Noone said this was easy.....it's just not complicated.

As the great Nelson Mandela once said. "The greatest glory in life lies not in never falling, but rising every time we fall"

You can do this. For you........and we're here to help each other.

Get back in the ring!

Rich

KEEGANSDAD

Welcome Back,

When I Read the Big Book , It always seems to give me hope.Here is a link
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

sweeks

I don't know anything about PMDD but I have a lot of experience with PMS. lol I swear to god it almost cost me my marriate quite a few times....bitchy, weepy....*sigh* Do you take any vitamins? I buy these ones from GNC called Ultra PMS Formula. They have 2500% of your daily value of B-6 and a couple other things. Sounds totally insane but I really can tell a difference. Try it for a month I bet you will too.

Chy

ARE you ready now? What change can you make today? Most can't do it alone, time to ask for help, do what is suggested and learn from this experiance. Next time you might not make it back.

You haven't sinned, your just sick like the rest of us. Make a choice, take action, and follow through.

OVERIT

Danielle

You CAN do it! You just have to do WHATEVER it takes. Please do it!

Glad you came back here.

Love,

Ang :heart:

squirrelly77

Thanks everyone for the responses.
Dan...this is the craziness of it all. We can say such things as "nothing changes if nothing changes" and "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." But, until we actually do something about that, well then...we'll end up here.
I really appreciate everyone's kind words and kicks to my ass. They all mean a lot to me. This is what I really needed growing up.
Yes, I have a plan. Yes, I'm ready. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of living a lie.
Chy...you're absolutely right. I need to drill and drill and drill into my head that I'm not a bad person. But, I'm definitely a sick person.
Good thing that I love Halloween. I love this time of year. It makes me smile.

Danielle

PS Sweeks...I will check out those vitamins. I would like to do this the "natural" way.

Dan

Yep. And for me, part of "doing something" was trusting myself the last time I spoke the words... Oh my, never again. I'm done.
I don't know how to explain it, but the last painful lesson out there left me with something I hang on to every day.
The knowledge I might not have made it back.
I promised not only myself, but my children as well that I was done.
There's a power in that promise that helps me, when my mind starts talking nonsense.
You know what you need to do.
And you also know that you can draw on the strength and spirit of the folks here to help you get going.

squirrelly77

Dan...yes, I know that I can draw upon the ESH of those like myself. I need to pick myself up, admit I'm human and not perfect, and know that I'm no different than everyone else with this same dis-ease. I have a lot going for me, thus I have a lot to lose at the same time. It's been a wise decision for me not to get married or have any kids. Although I want to one day, right now I couldn't stomach drawing another person in to my life while I'm still struggling. I'm just NOW getting over the break-up with my last bf, which happened about 2 years ago. Of course, alcohol and my self-sabotaging behavior was a major cause of that.
My prayer for today is that I will come to know, really really know that I am worthy of love and all the good things that life has to offer. I will also take the bad with the good, because you can't have one without the other. Today...just for today, I will know that everything is divine order. Even this bugger called alcoholism.

Privet

So we are in the same boat today! I'm just glad to have a job where I can browse the internet...sounds horrible! Yes, I don't even know why I drank last night. I have a paper due tomorrow, and I just thought I would get a sixpack, and write my paper. But 6 wasn't enough!!! My main problem is boredom....what do you guys do to fill all that time that was once spent drinking?

Yes, a relationship, geez. My last one broke it off with me because of my drinking too, but that was before I admitted I'm an alcoholic. I would always get really angry and defensive if anyone criticized my drinking. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I have kids they will be messed up and/or alcoholic too.

Tomorrow will be great. Just now, yuck, yuck, yuck.

squirrelly77

Boredom...oh yeah. I can definitely relate. But, I think that it isn't just boredom...unfortunately, it's something much more than that. I personally think that it's just the discomfort of being in our own skins. When we're alone...not doing anything...those nasty thoughts dripping with low self-esteem can come creeping in. I know that for myself, the alcohol drowned them out...and I didn't have to feel them, hear them...acknowledge them in any way, shape, or form. It's strange that we hate being alone...hate the boredom that accompanies it, yet we drive people away all the same.
Now that I'm more serious than ever to lick this thing for good, I want to get involved in "healthy" activities to meet people and do more with my time. I started attending church, and I want to get involved with some of the groups from there. I at least know that these people don't have their lives revolve around drinking. If you're not religious, I think doing something like volunteering would be good. I think you know that there's more to life than drinking. I know it too...it's just a matter of having it ingrained into every fiber of our being, that is the hard part. Of course, being involved here as much as you can is good too.

Danielle

Richie

:sleepy: I'm saying a bedtime prayer for you,Dani.

In memory of miracle

((( Danielle))) Glad your back..keep the faith ! I am pulling for you. Trish

sherbear5104

(((Dani)))

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep on keepin on. Don't beat yourself up too bad. It's not like none of us have ever slipped. I know where you're coming from. You have gotten wonderful suggestions here. Do what you gotta do, just don't drink, one day at a time. Prayers are going out for you. Keep your head up, you are not a sinner. God still loves you, and so do I. :smlove2:

Love and Hugs........Sherry

Phinneas

As someone who relapsed myself (day 5), I can sure relate to your pain. That's why I am here, that's why I go to meetings, that's why I read recovery literature, because there are others who know what it's like... and they are here. Ya know? My pain is so overwhelming, so raw, so ... everything, that I cannot bear it alone. I can't.

You are here now. THAT'S what matters. Good for you.

--JoJo

David 1

Hey Danielle!! You said something that really got my attention:

"I don't even know why I fell off the wagon. I wasn't having a particullarly bad day. The stress level was low. Nothing major bad happened in my life. I just went to the store, debated for maybe a couple minutes, and basically said "screw it".

I see some defense mechanisms in action in those words; minimizing the stressors that led to drinking, maybe some denial and rationalizing as well. We use these defenses to protect our relationship with alcohol, and before you know it, we take that first drink.

I found another passage that may be interesting: "Addiction is a negative form of worshipping through connecting with one's negative side, the addict, at the expense of the SELF. The SELF always witnesses the rituals of drinking and is sickened by what it is forced to watch and participate in, but is being held captive by the power of the disease. Recovering alcoholics need to acccept that their addict side has chosen preferred ways of acting out and there are danger areas, times and triggers we need to avoid and/or be aware of."

I have learned that a powerful trigger for me is when my wife and I argue. Boy, did that ever cause me to drink!! I really watch out for how that affects me now and I try to face the issue and put it behind me as soon as I can - not let it fester for a few days. You mentioned a few triggers in your post Danielle, now you know to watch for those stressors and patterns.

Talk about rambling????

Take care Danielle and hold your head up - we are with you!!!

Dave