New...scared...unsure...

Old 07-13-2017, 04:42 PM
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Unhappy New...scared...unsure...

Hello,

I hope I am doing this right, I am new here. My gut tells me this is where I need to be, but I'm not 100% sure my husband is an alcoholic.

He doesn't drink during the day or wake up drinking, but he must MUST consume 6-8 (tall boys not the regular sized cans) of beer every night. When the sun goes down he must begin drinking. He isn't a mean drunk, he's a smartass who's eyes start to droop. The problem is the next morning. He is so hungover every single morning that he has been kicked out of a very prestigious engineering program in college because he was unable to make 10 and 11 am classes...not 8am classes... his job rewards him with beer every shift he works and even though his job makes him miserable he continues to work there. We are in over 60,000 in student debt between the two of us (I have my Bachelors, working on PhD) and he doesn't have anything to show for it because he was in bed hungover instead of in class. Aside from missing classes and constantly being late to work, he is so ugly to me in the mornings. Name calling, screaming, throwing things around the house just because he "doesn't feel good" and "slept like sh*t"... Unless I keep my mouth shut and stay out of his way in the mornings, we fight 5-6 mornings a week.

When I bring this up to him, I ask him to cut back and only drink on the weekends for his health and for the money. He will agree, give it a day MAYBE 2 then it's back to drinking every night. For example, this Sunday he promised he wouldn't drink again until Thursday and he drank on Tuesday. Two whole nights. It is so bad right now I have a bag packed, but our last phone call has me questioning myself and questioning his problem. He defended himself by saying "Do I wake up and drink? Do you see me sneaking bottles around work or in my car during the day? Am I always drunk? No. I don't really get what you have to complain about".

Is my husband an alcoholic? Am I crazy? I defeated and paralyzed. Any insight would be so helpful.
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Old 07-13-2017, 04:47 PM
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No, you're not crazy. Whether or not he's an alkie is beside the point. His drinking is causing trouble and it seems he's choosing drinking over you. Make boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate, and stick to them.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but want to welcome you to the family.
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Old 07-13-2017, 04:56 PM
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Hi there, glad you found your way here. This forum has been extremely helpful in my journey with my AH and I think you'll find it very helpful too. The question isn't whether he meets some defined definition of what an alcoholic is. Yes, he doesn't wake up and drink but bottom line is it's creating a problem in your marriage and you aren't okay with it. You've set limits and asked him to cut back and he can't do it. I think it's safe to say that there's a problem and he needs some help. I'm sorry you're in this situation but you made a good choice by posting here for help and advice. I know it's hard to take it but eventually I believe you will know what you are supposed to do with this.
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Old 07-13-2017, 04:57 PM
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Thank you. I've tried to set boundaries in the past but they never work, I am a pushover. I've threatened to leave but he knows that I won't. Hopefully I'll find some strength here. Thank you again.
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Old 07-13-2017, 05:08 PM
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Sounds like drinking is more important to him than you are. If he isn't an alcoholic, he would have no problem setting it down for the sake of your relationship. You don't have to wake up and drink or live under a bridge to be an alcoholic. That's his ignorance talking, so we can forgive him for that. But you don't have to.
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Old 07-13-2017, 05:10 PM
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If you ask them they will never be an alcoholic. Like it was mentioned, if the drinking is affecting your life, then its problem drinking. For you.

Maybe it will get better, maybe it won't. Can you see yourself living like this for years waiting to see if it does?
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Old 07-13-2017, 05:31 PM
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Thank you all very much, this is the first time I've ever "spoken" about this and I never imagined I would get support back. Thank you.

Do any of you have any advice on getting him to stop drinking without leaving him? Should I bring up a treatment program? That seems like a "fight starter" and that's not what I want. I'm so unsure of what to do, because NO I don't want the next 50 years of my life to look this way. I just don't know what my next step here is...
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Old 07-13-2017, 05:43 PM
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You can't get him to stop drinking, that has to come from him. Until he wants to get sober, you are wasting your time and your voice trying to persuade him.

Alcoholism never gets better on its own, it only gets worse. Do you really want to spend your life fighting with him over his drinking? He values drinking more than he values you, which is very sad and frustrating.

I'd think long and hard about how you want to spend your life.

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Old 07-13-2017, 05:45 PM
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Luna, just as it is the dream of every alcoholic to drink normally, it is the dream of everyone who loves an addict to find the magic words or actions to get their loved one to stop.

You did not cause his drinking, you cannot control his drinking, and you cannot cure his drinking. Until HE is ready to stop, it will be an exercise in frustration and pain for you to try. And I am sorry to say that despite several negative consequences, he does not sound ready to stop.

But that does not mean that you have to put your own self-care on hold in the meantime. You may not be ready to leave and that is okay, but you do not have to suffer. Learning detachment and how to maintain your personal boundaries can make a world of difference in your day to day life. Do you have a therapist? Have you ever checked out Al-Anon?
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Old 07-13-2017, 05:58 PM
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Thank you. It's so hard to accept that he places alcohol above me, even though I think it to myself daily, it didn't seem real until I read it from others.

I had been getting therapy at my school, however I can only see a therapist in training and my issues were out of their realm of knowledge. I suffer from an extreme form of social anxiety and was advised to seek further help. However, my insurance (which I am in no position to change at the moment) does not cover mental health care, so I can no longer have counseling/therapy of any type (grad student budget). I have looked into the Al-Anon meetings, I really want to go but again my anxiety has prevented be from physically attending. I started here in an attempt to work myself up to am Al-Anon meeting. I'm hoping in time I'll be able to attend.
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Old 07-13-2017, 06:08 PM
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The hardest thing for me was not taking my XABF's or my mother's drinking personally. They were living with addiction. They were not drinking at me. Reframing it that way helped me detach. And detaching helped me get stronger and take better care of myself, and to understand what was my responsbility and what wasn't.

Detachment wasn't a long-term strategy, but it was a start.
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Old 07-13-2017, 06:23 PM
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Oh I take it so personally, I've been sobbing for what feels like years now out of not being good enough for him to stop drinking. It's comforting (yet sad) to know I'm not alone in that struggle.

When you speak of detachment, do you mean mentally, emotionally, financially? I am unfamiliar with this approach for self-care.

Can anyone explain what is expected of someone at their first Al-Anon meeting? Do I have to speak and tell my story the very first time?
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Old 07-13-2017, 06:33 PM
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I know how you feel. The good news is, you ARE good enough. More than good enough, even. Don't confuse not being powerful enough to control someone else's addiction with not being good enough or worthy of a loving, present partner.

When I speak of detachment I mean all three plus one -- mental, emotional, financial, and even physical when necessary. It's almost impossible to treat ourselves better -- with more love, respect, and attention -- when we are in the middle of a battlezone all the time and/or at the mercy of someone's else moods.

No one will make you speak at your first meeting if you are not ready. Everyone there will understand where you are coming from without expecting anything of you.
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Old 07-13-2017, 07:21 PM
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Hi lunalovegood85, (love your name by the way )

So sorry for what you're going through, but I'm glad you found SR. You'll find a lot of support here.

I agree with SparkleKitty about trying to detach. It's not that you're abandoning your husband, you're just trying to maintain some distance for your own well-being.

In my case, if my husband had a bad day, I had a bad day too. If he had a good day, I had a good day too. Even though we were married, I was way too dependent on him and that was not a healthy situation. Instead of trying to figure out what he was doing, what type of mood he was in, what to expect from him....I just started to take a step back and focus on me, whether that meant working on home projects, going for a walk, reading a book, coffee with a friend, etc. In other words, I didn't want my world to revolve around him and his addiction because that just led to a lot of misery.

It sounds like your husband is not ready to admit how serious the problem is and if he won't admit it, it'll be very hard for him to work on his recovery. The support here at SR meant the world to me, but I also attended meetings and that was also very helpful. Most of the time I wouldn't say anything at these meetings, I would just listen (I'm very shy). It helped to know that I was not alone in this type of situation or crazy like I was starting to believe. It was not normal to have such a toxic marriage and I wasn't wrong for wanting a partner who would be there for me and who I could trust.

Sending you a big hug and hoping that things get better for you soon.
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Old 07-13-2017, 07:59 PM
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I echo the props for your username - awesome!

You don't have to say anything at Al-Anon, ever, if you don't want to. If discussion or reading comes around to you, you can just say "I pass." You can go and just absorb it like a sponge. Many here have spoken of crying the whole time at their first meeting - I know I did. It doesn't faze anyone - you can go and be completely yourself, tears and all, and you will be loved.
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:03 PM
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You might want to look into finding some Al Anon meetings. If nothing more than to have a no cost way to talk to a lot of people that started out just like you. The minimum you will find is a good place to talk, tell your story, listen to all the rest that will sound so much like yours.

They are free to attend. You may not find it to be a long term thing or you might. But either way you have a safe outlet to use. Which you need.

I didn't find it a long term outlet but very helpful none the less.
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Old 07-13-2017, 08:21 PM
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Welcome luna. Good for you for seeking help for "his" problem. What we hear on sr and at alanon is that there is a lot of help for "us". We all come looking for the directions on how to get our addict sober and live happily ever after.

What we first learn, is that he does not have a problem with his drinking, you do. So technically it's not his problem, it's yours. So what are you going to do about your problem?

Hit some alanon and open aa meetings, keep reading all over this forum. Don't make any threats unless you plan to follow through. Stick around luna, we are here for you. Hugs my friend, your life is about to get a lot better.
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Old 07-13-2017, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by lunalovegood85 View Post
Thank you all very much, this is the first time I've ever "spoken" about this and I never imagined I would get support back. Thank you.

Do any of you have any advice on getting him to stop drinking without leaving him? Should I bring up a treatment program? That seems like a "fight starter" and that's not what I want. I'm so unsure of what to do, because NO I don't want the next 50 years of my life to look this way. I just don't know what my next step here is...
There is a whole range of alcohol abuse and although people can identify themselves as an "alcoholic", its best to work with a doctor with knowledge in addiction to help determine whats going on. But in general Id say there is a problem if you are suffering consequences due to drinking and your not seeing it. One of the symptoms of alcohol abusing is denial that there is a problem. Addiction happens in the brain as well as the body... Whatever is going on with him, its also a problem because his behavior is making you unhappy, and it sounds like its putting your marriage in danger. I never labeled my husband, but his behavior was not tolerable for me when he was using.

In your post above you asked should you mention treatment? I would say yes, but its not so easy. When someone is in denial of a problem, how do you get them to seek help for what that dont see, or arent ready to accept?

I feel that anytime you are dealing with substance abuse, its better to deal with it, and seek professional help sooner rather than later. I dont believe change always happens like a brick falling.. its more of a process in my opinion.

I started seeing a doctor who worked in addiction medicine for therapy when things were bad with my husband. He had me study the process of change model.. its basically the same process regardless of what it is a person wants to change in their life.

I was told to try and avoid having conversations when my husband was using substances, or coming down, in one of those moods. Also to not guilt, or put him in a defensive mode because no one is very responsive when they feel like they are under attack. I think honesty comes into play..and some skill in communicating. We cant change people because thats an internal process. But we do influence people, especially those we are close to. We cant cure substance abuse, but we can encourage change and we can encourage the use of medical professionals who are trained to motivate people along the cycle of change.

You dont have to do anything except take good care of yourself. I had to put thought into what I could accept, and what I couldnt. I isolated mostly because of shame and that was a huge mistake. If you have family or friends who might be a support to you, then consider reaching out to them. It made me feel a LOT better.

You might check and see if the therapy from school would allow you to have a place for talk therapy, discuss your feelings, work on communication, learn the process of change, help you learn what your deal breakers are... Basic things even a student therapist should be able to help with. And there are lots of resources out there to help you learn about the medical facts of substance abuse, treatment options, role of family, and taking care of yourself and your emotions. And also family therapy/marriage counseling might help. Its not about fixing him, but more about helping with expressing your needs and feelings, and understanding his. Change for both of you can begin so many ways. I have some books my therapist suggested, send me a message if you would like these. I did a lot of reading this past year !

Congrats on your schooling. I know it must not be easy with the anxiety issues you mentioned.
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Old 07-13-2017, 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by TropicalWinter View Post
You don't have to say anything at Al-Anon, ever, if you don't want to. If discussion or reading comes around to you, you can just say "I pass." You can go and just absorb it like a sponge. Many here have spoken of crying the whole time at their first meeting - I know I did. It doesn't faze anyone - you can go and be completely yourself, tears and all, and you will be loved.
This^^, in spades. No one is going to put you on the spot--Alanon is all about support and acceptance for YOU, the spouse/partner/child/parent/sibling of an A. It's not necessarily about "telling your story" or talking about your qualifier (the alcoholic in your life) AT ALL.

I am one of those who cried through her first meeting. I went home clutching an Alanon book, "How Alanon Works." I laid in bed and read some of it once I got home, and I slept that night, like a blessing, like heaven.

If you call your local Alanon office, you may very well be able to make arrangements for someone to either pick you up and take you to your first meeting or at least to meet you outside so you don't have to go in alone. I volunteered in my local central office and we had a list of people who were willing to help out in this way, so maybe yours does too. I'd think that might ease your social anxiety a little if you could set something like that up.

Once at the meeting, as a newcomer, you'll usually be given a phone/email list of members, so you now have a whole group of people who you can contact for f2f support. If you get to a couple different meetings (which I recommend), you'll get a list at each one. Now all of a sudden you have a whole slew of f2f people! That's worth it's weight in gold in the early days.

And please, do keep reading and posting here at SR. Reading around the F&F section here as much as you can, as well as checking out the "stickies" at the top of the page, will give you a good overview of alcoholism and life w/an alcoholic. As one of our members here likes to say, "Knowledge is power!"

It's so true--when I was in my own little tiny world w/XAH, everything was an n of 1. I had no way to reality check what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, being told. I felt alone, scared, and constantly off balance and confused. Once I got started in SR and Alanon, I began to see the patterns of behavior that A's seem to share. I felt a lot less crazy and alone. Then I began to see the patterns of behavior that I shared w/other spouses/partners/etc. of A's. Now that was truly eye-opening!

To me, the strength of SR is the tremendous diversity of our members. Sometimes folks come in w/blinders on and only ever read/post in their own thread--they are missing the biggest part of the benefits to be gained here. So again, I will urge you to read widely and to post in other people's threads.

Hope to hear more from you in the days to come, luna!
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Old 07-13-2017, 10:50 PM
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Such wonderful advice here...just know that nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, are or aren't has anything to do with his drinking. Zero.

Sending you a hug.
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