Peaches04

My AH and I are going to see our counselor today. Our homework for this visit was to complete an exercise in which we write down 3 things we don't like about the other persons behavior, an example, and how that makes us feel. We are to do the same with 3 things we do like. We were assigned this three weeks ago. Me, being the codependent I am, ofcourse, came home and completed mine that night.
In the mean time, I have worked on my recovery and understanding this disease and my contribution to it. So, I got out my prior exercise and redid it...what a change in my answers!!!! I've gone from short, angry, obscure statements like "I don't like it when you get angry and yell at me about things I buy" to "I don't like it when you expect me to ignore my wants, resent my wants, or try and make me feel guilty for my wants because they differ from what you want, when your actions are contradictory to the words you say regarding what you want" (ie, losing/quitting jobs). The other ones have changed just as much - including the likes. It may not sound like much, but to me it was like comparing the ramblings of a highschool child to a mature adult!
I am nervous about today though...I fear what will happen, but am going to be very honest! He has not done his exercise aimed toward me yet, so I'm going to call him and ask him if he wants me to go ahead and fill his out for him. Is that codependent?
I'm kidding - gotcha!!

sdg928

Hi Peaches,

I think that your revised statement does sound much more mature and I'm sure that the counselor will notice that you put a lot of thought and time into your list. So typical of these AH's to not do their homework until the last minute, if at all!

minnie

You did get me as well!! I was all set to give you a telling off.

Hon, I am so proud of you. It feel great to notice the progress, doesn't it? I am going to counseelng with my A b/f and the difference between the sessions now and those of a month ago are astonishing. My anger seems to have vanished and been replaced with a focus and energy for working on myself.

I keep meaning to do a thread about what's happened, but don't seem to have the time. However, I must make it a priority - it's important for my recovery. Maybe I'll do it tonight whilst my b/f is at AA - did I tell you he started going last week? It'll be his 4th meeting tonight.

Take care, Peaches, you little recovery star.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Karivan

Good luck in your session! My H and I were also assigned homework and the procrastinator that I am, I haven't done it yet. We don't have another appt until next Thursday though so I have another week. Isn't it amazing how much we can learn in a short period of time from this board and our readings? My h is like yours though and he isn't as serious about it as I am. I think he is hoping it will all go away and he can go back to his bad habits and it will all be the same as it was. Not going to happen this time.

Let us know how it goes!

cwohio

peaches - wow - i thought you were on the ball when you first joined the board, but you have, indeed, improved in your recovery! you seem to work at it so voraciously!

good luck with the session!

btw - i KNEW you had to be joking - you would never have done his for him!

cwohio

Petunia

Peaches,

What a great post. Thanks for sharing the growth aspects - we all need the encouragement. I hope that you have some quality time tonight with your counselor and get what you need. I may do that exercise myself - after last night I could probably use it.

Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah for Peaches -

Petunia

DesertEyes

Way to go Peaches! You rock.

Mike :-)

Peaches04

Thank you all! We went to the counselor and had a great session! We had me, my AH, our joint counselor, and his personal counselor. It turned out that he had been telling his personal counselor that he only drank 2-3 beers a night (haha!) and didn't think it was a problem, but that the problem was all with me (our joint counselor was afraid of that, which is why she wanted us all to meet together). So, when we were all together he came clean and told him the truth about how much he drinks and agreed that he may have a problem with alcoholism, although he feels like it is more an anger issue. Either way - he agreed something is wrong. We didn't get to do our exercise, but she said she has another one for us to do next time we are there that she thinks will be better. The counselor said we were a completely different couple sitting in front of her today, than we had been a few weeks ago. She said that now she feels like we are both on the same page in wanting to really address and admit to the problems and work on them... so I am hopeful!! My AH did say today that he will never go back to drinking the way he was, and that it was just insane. NOW - I KNOW that he very well may when this 30 day no-drinking spell is over, BUT his statement was very profound for me condsidering until then I have never heard him even admit he thought he had a problem or that his drinking was causing any problem for him at all... even his stopping for 30 days was more or less, to prove me wrong. I did say in the counselor today too, that if he does start drinking again in 30 days and things go back to the way they were, I am sure I will find myself in my place of peace again where I will make the decision for him to leave. So, all things said - he is really turning around. And for any person new to this process that might be reading this - I will say that everything everyone has told me to do that has gone completely against what I thought was the right thing - has turned my life around, and quite possibly, saved my marriage. so, thank you to everyone and I'll keep you posted!

minnie

Peaches

Fantastic news! I think we are both living the same life at the moment.

Just after I had started to "get it" (and decided that I deserved better than the life that I was living), my b/f started going to AA. But, strangely, I had not told him of my intentions at all, because I didn't have any sort of a plan and wasn't going to leave without one. Whether he picked up what I was thinking (but that would have meant thinking about me, which is unlikely to happen with an A), or the recovery lessons that I had learned here started to work. To be honest, I'm not that bothered. Life is a lot better around here now, and that's what matters.

There is long hard road ahead, but at least it is taking us where we want to go now, instead of round in circles.

I am so pleased for you, Peaches.

Love

Minnie
xxxx

Peaches04

Thanks Minnie! It is weird how it works when once you start getting your act together, it's contagious kind of? My AH is sloooooowly coming around to see that alcohol/pot is not how I intend to live my life or raise my children...I think he's starting to see that it's not really working for him anymore either. I'm so glad to hear yours is going to AA - for some reason, mine wont even entertain that idea (I think it's pride?). I really don't think he understands what it is about and still pictures a bunch of drunks sitting around doing the 'woe is me' thing... Every time I try to explain it's more abou spiritual growth, he gets very defensive...so, I've stopped even mentioning it. His counselor is going to work with him on a specific plan - wonder what that will be? I'm not real wild about his counselor because he seems like the laid back kind, that wont really 'call you on the carpet'. No wonder he didn't pick up on the fact that my AH HAD to be drinking more than 2-3 beers a night for me to be ready to kick him out the door!... I almost giggled when his counselor started reading back his notes about that! ... jeez!