nutz

I'm greatful for SR
I've admitted my relaps here.
I took simple directions of going back to meetings.
And it took everything I had just to walk back into those rooms.
But I havn't admitted my relaps here at home.
and it's F-f'en with me.
I have 30 sober today.
I've been reading and writing,
I'm finally got to the my bads part.

For some reason this issue is keeps coming up in the past couple of days.
I need to work an honest program.
I won't be able to grow if I carry this baggage with me.
It's been an internal struggle. My head tells me a bunch of crap
I"m going NUTZ again
I let go and take it back
I let go and take it back
HELP!!!

Dan

I'm only as sick as the secrets I keep, I've been told.
30 days back. You know it's bugging you.
I guess you have to weigh the consequences of not admitting to your family versus living with your conscience.
And it sounds you're dealing with that right now.
Pray you take the next right action Nutz.

nutz

I think about it.
It's just so much easier if I didn't say anything.
Personally I don't have a problem with it.
I'm clean and sober .Things are getting better.

But I know there's sometype of lesson or
my higher power is trying to take over.
I fall back in my comfort zone and don't step up to the plate.
I lack courage.
I feel ashame... relaps after 11 years and now I'm not honest
with my home group.
My head tells me that I can do it on my own again

lulu70

Is it really? You sound pretty miserable. I am SURE you would feel better if you confessed and went on. We have to hold ourselves accountable.

Good luck to you, and congrats on your 30 days.

Hugs--

nutz

No, not miserable today.

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired long before
I relaps.

I'm much better not be in an abusive relationship.
It's my choice and my life, damit !
I threw my clean/sober time away thinking she would go away.
She'd always tells me if I relaps she would leave me
well...I did ,and she didn't go away.

I'm more aware of verious issues today.
But it's first things first.
NO...I havn't apply her to step #1
Recovery is a process. I'm not sure if the lessons I'm suppost
learnd will help to me to completely breakaway and let go.
The courage..I think.


It's a simple program. But damn.....

Chy

You wouldn't be so guilt ridden if it was easier to keep it hidden. Have you talked to your sponsor? What has s/'he said to do? That's what I would do!

If she leaves, she leaves, wasn't meant to be then. I firmly believe in this. If she stay's well, time to tell it like it is and be honest. However, just because your in recovery, don't think relapse is part of it k? Some get that confused, it's just not so.

I'd suggest with all your issues and emotions you stick close with your sponsor during this difficult time. If you don't have a sponsor, find one now!

In memory of miracle

a reservation..I have always payed a price somewhere along the line thinking I could do half measures.Save a-- not face . Prayers, Trish

nutz

No..if i was talking or keeping touch with my sponor or going to meetings
I wouldn't had relaps would I.
I guess when all our children died that wansn't ment to be either.
I turn it over and take it back
I turn it over and take it back
I turn it over and take it back

1Marty

Theres the easy way, and theres the right way. Be accountable and admit that you made a wrong choice. If you don't, your inviting complacency in to your program. At least for myself, when I ease up and let things slip, I can see myself geting closer again to that first drink.

solstice

Nutz, You know it is an honest program. I personally do not know what it is like to have 11 years. As far as I am concerned it doesn't matter. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. I cannot tell you what to do except that you know it is an honest program and I hate to say it but the truth will set you free. Also anybody who judges you or puts you down if and when you decide to fess up, remember the people who matter won't mind and the people who mind don't matter.

You will be in my prayers
good night :sleeping1

In memory of miracle

I am so sorry about your children,I dont think there is a harder lesson in powerlessness on the face of the earth,my heart goes out to you .When I first came back to the fellowship some days all I could do was the next right thing.You are very fortunate that you didnt stay out longer.It took me ten years to stop using again.If you were clean for 11 years you already know what you haveto do.I tried every way there was to stop using including not telling and I just want to share with you that it didnt work for me.It sounds like you have had more than enough pain in your life.I encourage you to do what you know you haveto do and jump back in with both feet,Bless, Trish

nutz

I want to thank everybody for taking the time to help me.
and put up with my whimpering.
Certain words trigger certain issues that I continue
to struggle with. My defects comes right out.
I appologize.

I got the monkey off of my back.
faced my fears or one of them anywho.lol
I admitted my relaps here at home and got my 30 days chip.

I feel much better today

In memory of miracle

All right !!

Chy

You can whimper all you want! *hugs*

Dan

That's what it's all about.
Feeling better. It's why we quit in the first place I think.
Good going.

1Marty

Awesome!

nutz

I finally broke down, yesterday.
Truned everything over. even the twins
Truned my will and my life over.
I'm light hearted today.
I feel at peace, happy, and sereen today

1Marty

Doesn't it feel great!! Let Go, let God.