Wisconsin

Hello, my friends!

In the many years I have been here, I have benefited greatly from the ESH everyone shares. And now, I am seeking some ESH to help me handle some things in my new relationship.

Quick background for those who have not followed my story: Married at 23 to a non-A. Two DDs who are now 17 and 14. Divorced after 10 years. Divorce was profoundly ugly, as were the first few years, but now XH and I get along and co-parent very well. During that divorce, I reconnected with an old high school sweetheart. He was an A "in recovery" (read: dry drunk, although I had no clue about any of that back then). We were married within a year, and had our DS 10 months later. Shortly after THAT he relapsed, and we began a 4.5 year descent into abusive hell. I left in 2015, but the divorce was not final until last month.

I have been seeing my gentleman friend for nearly two years at this point, and we have been living together for almost one year. He is great. He treats me well, the kids love him, and our kids all get along very well.

However, for really the first time in our relationship, I find myself projecting a whole lot of crap from my marriage to AXH onto my gentleman friend. On the one hand, I know that I have a right to have my own baggage and issues from my past relationships, and that it's OK to want to be treated a little more delicately when it comes to these issues. On the other hand, I know this is straight up unfair to my gentleman friend to "punish" him for things my AXH did.

For the most part, this is manifesting itself by me making huge mountains out of little tiny molehills. Molehills that were, during my marriage, one of many red flags that when taken together, indicated serious trouble ahead. Now, they will bother and upset me far more than is reasonable, and at times it turns into me being admittedly irrational about stuff. I am also doing A LOT of catastrophizing, and future tripping. I'm wasting a lot of emotional (and frankly, physical) energy on wondering what various things MEAN, and what will happen 6 months from now, or a year from now, or ten years from now.

I'm quite sure that this is rearing its ugly head now, as some sort of PTSDish aftermath of finalizing the divorce. The divorce was backburnered for over a year out of necessity, and I had largely put it out of my mind. Having to finalize everything and go over finances and paperwork really reopened some old wounds for me, and there's no doubt that this emotional upheaval is at least in part the reason I'm suddenly slipping back into old emotional patterns. But this time, it's with someone who really doesn't deserve it. I am spending a lot of time worrying about whether the future will bring choices by my gentleman friend that would cross my boundaries, when there has been absolutely no behavior to warrant me actually worrying about stuff like that. Plus, I feel like I am regularly forgetting or ignoring the fact that HE GETS TO MAKE WHATEVER CHOICES HE WANTS, and no amount of worrying on my part will impact that.

Any ESH you all can share about keeping in a good head space in a current, healthy relationship when trigger-y stuff is happening from an old, toxic relationship would be very much appreciated.

Jaeger

Wisconsin,
I really have no ESH to offer but I wanted to let you know that I can relate. Although my situation is different, I've been experiencing much of what you are. My RAH is now 2 yrs into sobriety and just in the last couple of months, I have had these PTSD type moments. He has not drank, he's working a very strong program and I try to in mine. It's as if something comes up and my walls are immediately activated and all those horrible feelings and thoughts of the past are there. I find myself feeling like I did during all those horrible drinking years. It's very hard to explain.
I look forward to reading others ESH. Be gentle with yourself. You have come a long way!
Hugs,
Jaeger

Wisconsin

Thank you, Jaeger! As always, it helps immeasurably just to know I'm not alone.

hopeful4

Oh gosh friend. Wow can I relate as well. I have actually been diagnosed with PTSD, and am currently working on my very horrible habit of catastrophizing everything to do with my XAH, especially in regards to my children.

I can only say that therapy has helped me immensely. And lots of rational self talk, or in my case, self writing. I have a journal, and when I feel myself start to get out of control in my thought process, I have to write out my rational thoughts. It does help me, and it does help me to go back and read what I have written in the past proving what I thought would turn into some huge commotion ended up being nothing.

You are never alone friend! Be your RATIONAL self, and don't give in to letting those thoughts hijack your brain and what you know. Your friend has proven himself through behavior, and that is what counts. Don't let your irrational thoughts rob him of what he has proven through ACTIONS, not words.

Big, huge hugs!

Wisconsin

Thank you, Hopeful! I will definitely make some time for myself to start journaling. I agree that it could be very, very useful for me.

SparkleKitty

It can be very, very difficult to balance working out your own personal issues while you are in a relationship with another person. I second the recommendation for one-on-one therapy, and carving out time for yourself outside the relationship to make sure you have a solid foundation of a trusting and loving relationship with yourself first and foremost so you can bring your best self to all of your other relationships.

atalose

I do not mean this in any kind of judgment at all but noticed with your share that you have never had time to heal/grieve/process the ending of any of your relationships thoroughly because you were already into the next one. Does not seem you have allowed any time for just you, you without a relationship going on.

I think therapy for yourself and working on all of those issues you brought with you into this relationship could really benefit you in the end.

Wisconsin

I have been in therapy for years, and it has benefited me more than I could possibly say. I am a firm believer that 99.9% of the population could benefit from therapy in some way.

As for grieving/mourning the failure of my marriage, I spent the last two years of the marriage doing that--for one full year, my now AXH was working hundreds of miles away and we did not live together. These are obviously topics I have discussed at great length in therapy, too. When I met my gentleman friend, he lived 90 miles away, and the beginning of our relationship was slow and measured--I was far more focused on my own emotional health and the emotional health of my children than on the relationship for quite some time (and still am, although things have equalized a bit over the last year or so).

That's not to say you don't have a point. Obviously, the reappearance of some of these negative feelings and behaviors is an indication that there is still much to work on. I do not, however, believe it is accurate to say that I never mourned the death of my marriage. My hope is to hear some real-world strategies from those of us here who have been in the trenches on this, to supplement my therapy and recovery work.

SparkleKitty

I hear you, Wisconsin -- when my first marriage was imploding (not due to addiction, but definitely due to my codependency and lack of self-esteem), I very quickly turned to another relationship. I believed that because I had been unhappy for so long in my marriage that I was ready for something new. I learned the hard way that there is a big difference between between married and feeling alone and actually being on my own in every respect. The new relationship didn't last, forcing me to be fully on my own for the first time in my life -- 32 years. And I hated it, at first. But it turned out to be the only thing that could have really allowed me to be okay enough with myself to be able to be a healthy, present and loving partner to someone else.

So it was less about grieving the lost marriage than about learning to trust, respect, and love myself without the aid or crutch of a relationship. I was on my own for three years before I got into a 10-month relationship with an alcoholic (!!!), but when I ended that, I had let go of the last vestiges of my belief that I could fix someone else, and was ready, finally, to accept the next someone for just who they were and to ask them to do the same.

Wisconsin

This is one reason why I love this place so much. I love hearing everyone's stories, and seeing how we are the same, and different, and how we can learn so much from each other.

I ran the show in my first marriage. I handled everything. I was the one who worked, paid the bills, ran the household, cooked, etc. And for a long time, that's how I wanted it. My XH and I were not equal partners, but that was fine by me, because I didn't have to cede a single iota of independence or control over my own affairs. My only heartache over leaving the marriage involved our daughters, and from the moment I started to realize that this was not a proper marriage of equals (due, in part, to my own design) and that I WANTED a marriage of equals, and that my XH was not capable of that, I never once thought I should stay married. I lived separate and alone for over a year before my AXH and I ever even got back in touch.

Part of the appeal of that relationship was that it seemed to me that it could be a relationship of equals. Yes, there were all kinds of co-dependent, addict, dry drunk red flags, but I DO think that a very healthy part of me connected with a healthy part of AXH, too, with respect to thinking that here was a person I could depend on to shoulder some of the burden of life. It wasn't too terribly long before it became apparent that shouldering some of the burden of life became my AXH's excuse for why I couldn't possibly exist without him, and it became ammunition for a lot of abuse. I wrote extensively here about how hard it was for me to get out of that headspace. It was MUCH harder for me to leave my second husband, than it was for me to leave my first husband. For all of the toxic, dysfunctional reasons we all stay far too long, but also because I just did not want to give up the idea that we could have a real marriage of equals and I did not want to admit how totally wrong I had been.

And it was that year that my AXH lived apart from us that pushed me over that hump and finally gave me a real appreciation for what exactly our relationship was and what it wasn't. And it reminded me that I could handle all this crap on my own. He came back, and it was another year before I had marshaled the money to leave and found an apartment, but for that entire year we slept in separate bedrooms and conducted ourselves entirely as roommates (except, of course, when he was abusing me).

I did meet my gentleman friend shortly after I officially moved out. I was, quite honestly, in the market for some FUN. My life had been so devoid of FUN for so long. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship at all, and actually really questioned my ability to maintain a healthy, serious relationship in the aftermath of my marriage to AXH. In many ways the physical distance between us was a gift in those first 9 months or so. It kept me focused on my own stuff. There were times when my gentleman friend wanted to help with certain things. On a couple of occasions, I agreed. On other occasions, I refused. The times when I agreed were occasions when I REALLY had to allow myself to trust someone and be vulnerable. And that was HARD. That's not a natural place for me, even moreso after AXH.

(And this to me is an indication that I would do well to add journaling to my own recovery plan, because simply typing these things out really helps to crystallize and clarify them in my own mind.)

I think part of my problem is that after two years together, my gentleman friend has demonstrated healthy relationship skills. He has demonstrated kindness, and respect for my individuality. I am happy--truly, legitimately happy in a healthy way--in a romantic relationship for the first time possibly EVER. And that scares the crap out of me. Part of that is future tripping in the sense of "I do not want to set myself up for heartbreak if everything falls apart." But part of it is also related to my independence, and my difficulty in really letting someone in on all levels. I'm officially divorced now. What if my gentleman friend wants to get married some day? I know many people think marriage is just a piece of paper, but to me, at least DECIDING to marry someone is an escalation of intimacy. To me, marriage involves a level of transparency and trust that I find very scary. THAT is what is left over from the end of my marriage to AXH, and what I continue to work on in therapy.

And what if he DOESN'T want to get married some day? Does that mean something is wrong with me? I never doubted my own ability to take care of myself, and to live in the world, before AXH. But since...it has been a long, hard battle to regain that segment of my self esteem. I've come a long way, but there are definitely things that pop up and make it harder.

This is the stuff that rolls around in my head, and stuff that I discuss with my therapist. But I very much get lost in my own head at times, and it can be so helpful to hear about the things that folks here do on a daily basis to stay connected to their recovery, and to stay on their side of the street.

aliciagr

My situation is different but I see similarities as my husband is in recovery fairly early on. I also dont want to "punish" him for things that happened in the past, or be on guard, put up walls, or be skeptical and asking myself questions like what does this mean of some minor discussion, or action. It will destroy a relationship IMO and just cause me stress.

I also have used therapy. I know a lot of people do, however when described people often use different methods or tools based on this. When I recognize this pattern in myself I try to think it through before acting, responding. I use CBT techniques, and also lately Ive been finding mindfulness techniques helpful in dealing with all of my emotions, anxiety, centering myself so I think objectively. I had PTSD and therapy helped with it.

I was also wondering how your gentleman friend feels about all of this? On this site we often talk about partners who have issues, and do we accept this, run from it, are we sick because we choose to deal with it? I feel that most people have "baggage" and no one is perfect, so I tread lightly on judging others, but we all have our tolerance levels, and ways we feel we need to be treated in a relationship. I know having trust is important to me, and I wouldnt want to be constantly doubted or put under a microscope. I had to be open about my feelings with my husband and let him know where Im still having trouble. So yes, I think he needs to be a little sensitive, but I also dont want him to feel he has to jump through hoops to make it ok for me. He just needs to keep doing his thing and we should each be equally considerate of each other.

I think its excellent that you are recognizing this behavior and trying to correct it. Its the same for me... I know I have to work on my walls, my coping, deal with my traumas.. or my marriage wont work even if my husband does everything right.

I also journal a lot ! I mean its basically talking to myself, but it works.

FireSprite

Hey Friend.... I'm actually trying to work through a whole lot of similar crapola myself this last week so I can commiserate with your confusion about bringing the past into the present, even if our situations are very different.

All I can tell you is that I find that focusing on the problem or red flags doesn't bring me any closer to an answer or any understanding - but like you've observed, it creates mountains out of molehills almost every time. When I find myself hyperfocused on what I can't change or control or even KNOW, I've been forcing myself to find Joy & find Gratitude and focus on positive things in my life.... even if they are fully unrelated.

I have to forcibly remove myself from the negative cycle & get some distance so that I can equalize my own emotional grid & then reproach things with more clarity. I'm finding my HP is putting all kinds of these "distractions" or opportunities in my path this week - like when I was feeling really low on Monday afternoon but DD's good friend had a minor crisis moment. I realllllllly didn't want to come outside of myself at that moment, but looking into the teary eyes of that scared teen & knowing that I CAN help her made me put myself aside fully for an hour. She was struggling with perfectionism, forgiving herself for simple mistakes & being human & all the codie crap we see & fight every day & all that shame & vulnerability which is such a part of MY personal recovery to begin with. We've watched her struggle so much over these last 2 years but this was the first time I've been in a position to make a difference & in the end, it probably helped ME more than her!

LifeRecovery

I have not been brave enough to enter a new relationship after the end of my marriage.

This is less about ESH, but I just wanted to put a gentle nudge out there that your hormones start to settle down at about 18mths to 2 years and it is often a time of unrest in relationships. That I have found to be true. For me it is when I think we start being more "real."

I also want to say that I found the adage of actually being divorces very different from divorcing. It cracked open feelings that I needed to have, but was unable to entertain previously.....in retrospect it was not better or worse, but the finality of it definitely made it different and more emotional for a time.

SaveHer

It seems unfair, doesn't it? You escape a dysfunctional relationship, yet the dysfunction follows you, like an unwanted stowaway, into the next potentially healthy relationship.

I've always been a very emotionally reactive person, but after a couple of years with my AXBF, my behavior became ugly and unmanageable. It was a vicious cycle of anger, reaction, and guilt. I never trusted my reactions either--too strong? not strong enough? just right? At the time, a therapist recommended a book to me. It's called The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. It has exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. It helped me to really pause and think about why I was feeling what I was feeling and how to better regulate my emotions.

I thought maybe it could help you, too!

SaveHer

Don't do the "what if" thing. It'll just make you crazy. You say you're happy, so don't turn something into a problem that isn't a problem.

I also think it would be best to keep the focus on you. What do YOU want? Do you even want to get married? You can always be in a healthy, happy committed relationship without marriage.

Mango blast

Hi Wisconsin, my friend!

How are you doing today?

lizatola

The wise folks here, my friend, have told these very things to me repeatedly. I am planning on therapy for myself alone so that I can sort through the aftermath of my divorce and the fallout of what I'm bringing to my relationship today.

I don't have any majorly wise words but I do want you to know that I listen and that I wish you the best and that I will be thinking of you!!! HUGS!!!